I never regretted anything before I was sixteen. The only thing I regretted was letting that girl into my world when I was sixteen.
The first time I met Jian Lening, I went to their school to cause trouble for Lin Jiarui.
When Lin Jiarui was beaten like a pig by us, she suddenly rushed over and blocked my punch for Lin Jiarui.
She was different from the girls I knew. She didn't care about her appearance and always wore baggy old clothes with an unattractive school uniform on top.
But her eyes were clear, and her look was inexplicably firm.
However, at that moment, I was so furious that I had no mood to pay attention to her. I wanted to deal with her and Lin Jiarui together, but she threatened saying that she had called the teacher over.
I couldn't help but curse, then hurriedly took people away, secretly memorizing her pretty and serious face in my heart.
At that time, I thought she liked Lin Jiarui and that was why she helped him. No, it should be that for a long time, I thought she liked Lin Jiarui.
The second time I saw her, I still went to their school to find Lin Jiarui.
I always wear little, so when I was blocking the school gate with others, I felt a little cold.
Lin Jiarui didn't come out, so I asked someone to go in and call him. I felt a little upset and looked up, only to see her dodging and trying to escape.
She was still the same, dressed casually, and from her clothes I could guess that her family was not well off.
I had no way to vent the anger aroused by Lin Jiarui, so I decided to play a trick on her .
I reached out and lifted her chin, looking at her carefully. She was pretty, with an oval face, fair skin, and delicate features. The most beautiful thing about her was the stubborn expression on her face, which made me feel familiar.
She was obviously very afraid of me, but she couldn't escape because the group of people who came with me blocked all around.
I looked at her ill-fitting down jacket and was curious. She was so thin, why did she wear such bulky clothes?
She was warm, just as I had expected.
I don't like wearing tacky clothes, but I wanted to tease her, so I tried to steal her down jacket. I exchanged my woolen coat for her down jacket because I thought she looked much better in my clothes than in that old, tacky down jacket.
She has a great figure which shouldn't be hidden. If she dresses up, she should be very pleasing to the eye.
I was thinking about this to myself and my mood inexplicably improved. However, she was very ignorant. Not only did she not run away, she also defended Lin Jiarui.
I hate anyone defending Lin Jiarui because that guy cheated on Xiaoyu.
I have known for a long time that I was adopted. The day my adoptive mother gave birth to a younger brother, I knew that my last name was not Xu and that I was not a true rich second-generation. I was a child abandoned by a poor mother.
A year ago, I secretly found Xiaoyu. My biological mother was indeed very poor. Xiaoyu lived a hard life. Other girls had beautiful clothes or jewelry, but she had nothing. She wore old clothes given by others all day long.
I wanted to do something for her, but I couldn't reveal my identity because I knew that once I met Xiaoyu and the others, my adoptive parents would never forgive me.
I have no source of income, and the money is all given by them. If I make them angry, I will have no money to use myself, let alone give money to Xiaoyu and the others.
I could only support Xiaoyu secretly, not letting her know that I had a brother, and I was too embarrassed to acknowledge her. Although my adoptive parents didn't spoil me as much as before because they had a younger brother, compared to Xiaoyu, my life was good, I had no worries about food and clothing, and at least they were willing to pay for the troubles I caused.
When I knew Xiaoyu and Lin Jiarui were together, I was very happy because I was friends with Lin Jiarui when I was in the first grade of junior high school. He was a pretty nice guy, but I didn't expect that he would beat Xiaoyu, causing Xiaoyu to be hospitalized.
The last thing Lin Jiarui should have done was to use money to buy Xiaoyu's love. Xiaoyu is very naive. She is so naive that she only knows to do things for whoever gives her money.
A child who is tired of poverty just wants money.
She is my own sister, how could she be trampled upon by him like that?
So, when I heard Jian Lening defending Lin Jiarui, I got angry again and slapped her out of control.
Seeing the fear in her eyes, my heart suddenly panicked for some reason. I was afraid that I would not be able to help but apologize to her in the next second, so I asked someone to take her away.
It wasn’t the first time I hit a girl, but for some reason, the way she tried not to cry was really heartbreaking.
I know that there is a kind of people in the world who, no matter how much hurt they suffer, will never expose their vulnerability to others, but will just go back and cry alone.
I think that's who she is, and I think that's who I am.
The next time I saw Jian Lening was after Xiaoyu had an accident.
Xiaoyu died. Before she died, Jian Lening went to the hospital to find her.
I couldn't accept Xiaoyu's death. I was like a mad beast, unable to vent my confusion, fear, and the heartache I felt that day, so I blamed everything on her.
She must have said something to Xiaoyu, which caused her to die suddenly. Xiaoyu should have stayed in the hospital I arranged for her, so how could she die suddenly? It must have been her. She forced Xiaoyu to death, my poor sister.
Xiaoyu died, and I couldn't tell my adoptive parents, let alone find my biological mother to see Xiaoyu off. I could only hide in a corner of the dilapidated shanty alley, watching the old woman who gave birth to me but didn't raise me lying on Xiaoyu's glass coffin with dull eyes, not crying or making a fuss, but just silently shedding tears.
Not many people came to the funeral, and I realized that my real family was actually very sparsely populated, and almost no one would consider them, an orphan and a widow.
I can only hide my sadness in my heart and cannot tell it to others.
Xiaoyu's death made me fall into depravity again and again. I hung out with that bunch of bad friends all day long. On the surface, I seemed happy, but my heart felt hollow and a little painful.
I didn't expect to meet Jian Lening in the city late at night. When she walked out of the phone booth, she wiped her eyes with her hand, as if she was crying.
If it was before, when Xiaoyu was still alive, I might feel sad for her tears. However, now that Xiaoyu is dead, in my opinion, she has been judged as the murderer.
She looked at me, her eyes were clear and without tears , as if she had never cried before.
When she saw me, she wanted to run away, which made me even more angry. She must have done something wrong to me, so she ran away when she saw me.
So Xiaoyu must have been killed by her.
I was drunk and unconscious. At that time, I only knew two things: one was that Xiaoyu was dead, and the other was that she was guilty and wanted to run away.
My heart was so empty, and I tried hard to fill it with something. I grabbed her and, ignoring her cries, pulled her into the dark alley.
I listened to her screams and told myself not to be soft-hearted. She was the one who killed Xiaoyu, and I would make her be punished.
This is the most unforgivable thing I have ever done in my life.
I didn't expect to meet her again in the new school. Sometimes I think she is really ridiculous. Why does she always appear in front of me at inappropriate times?
At the beginning of the school year, there were only private cars parked in front of the school gate, and her friend's electric tricycle looked particularly out of place among them. Many people pointed at the two of them, but she seemed not to see anything.
Looking at her back, I seemed to see the scene a year ago when I first saw Xiaoyu.
At that time, Xiaoyu was also like this, being pointed at and talked about when walking on the street.
I was so nervous that I asked the driver to stop the car. However, my sudden command caused the driver's foot to slip, and the car failed to brake and hit the conspicuous electric tricycle.
At that moment, I thought that if she saw this situation, she would definitely cause trouble for me.
The driver left to find someone to deal with the accident, but I didn't leave. I just went into a nearby cafe to have a drink. My mood was confused, contradictory and complicated.
I want to see her, but I don't want to see her.
What should I say when I see her? Why did you kill Xiaoyu? Or I'm sorry?
As expected, she came up to me. When she saw me, she acted as if she had seen a ghost and started to leave with her friend.
I watched her arguing with her friends, watched her friends leave angrily, and watched her squatting on the side of the road crying secretly.
"You didn't cry that night, why are you crying now?"
I followed him for some unknown reason and said those words.
In fact, I just wanted to talk to her, but I couldn't help but mock her.
But she told me a cruel truth that completely knocked me down.
She said that Xiaoyu was not killed by her. Xiaoyu had stomach cancer and it was already in the advanced stage when it was discovered. She was going to die.
She didn't kill Xiaoyu, she said I owed her.
Yes, I owed her, but I knew that I could never repay the harm I had caused her, just like I couldn't save Xiaoyu, just like I couldn't stop Lin Jiarui from stabbing me , I couldn't make up for the harm I had done to her.
Humans are so insignificant that they are simply powerless to change many things.
She must hate me .
It would be better if she hated me to death, then I would feel better.
I deliberately avoided thinking about that incident and deliberately forgot the harm I had caused her. I continued to live my life according to my own personality. The only difference was that I wanted to fulfill Xiaoyu's unfulfilled wish and help her take good care of her mother.
But my biological mother doesn’t want to recognize me, so it’s difficult for me to show my filial piety.
I had no choice but to have contact with her again, and in order to be able to face her calmly, I pretended to have forgotten everything.
She ran away from me at the beginning, but gradually she was able to live in peace with me. I thought, like me, she was pretending to have forgotten what happened that night.
I never expected that one day she would cry like an abandoned child on the phone, yelling at me to save her, saying that she was going to die.
I don’t know what mood I was in when I heard what she said, and I don’t know what I was thinking on the way to the hospital. It seemed like I was the only one thinking about her.
I imagined how sad she must be in real life as she cried so loudly on the phone.
From the first time I met her, she gave me the impression of being very good at hiding her emotions. What happened to make her become so out of control?
I finally saw her. She was sitting on the floor of the hospital corridor like a madman, crying with a dull expression.
That expression was just like the one she had that night when she was hurt by me, but she didn't cry that night.
Even though I had caused her devastating harm, she had never cried like this.
My heart felt as if it had been stabbed with a knife, and it hurt so much that even my breathing became rapid.
As if trying to grab something, I walked quickly to her, but before I could do anything, she threw herself into my arms, her body as warm as I remembered.
My heart, which had been empty for so long, was suddenly filled, and my thoughts were confused.
What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I bear to push her away, but instead held her carefully and brought her to where I lived?
When I came back from my part-time job and saw the meal she had prepared, my heart was filled again. I have never liked this cold house, but because of her arrival, it felt like home.
And I am a homeless child.
But I know she shouldn't be here.
Lin Jiarui, who came with me, angrily called her stupid and scolded her for forgetting the harm I had done to her.
At that moment, my heart seemed to feel her pain, and I could no longer pretend that it had never happened.
If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have been slandered like that. I know she is a good girl who keeps herself clean.
I wanted to rush out of the bedroom and snatch her away from Lin Jiarui. I wanted to tell Lin Jiarui not to say that, that she was fine and that I was wrong, but the pain in my stomach made me unable to even open the door.
I don’t know since when, I have had stomach problems and my stomach often hurts.
I lay powerlessly on the bed, holding my stomach in pain, clenching my teeth to prevent myself from groaning.
Outside the door, the voices of her and Lin Jiarui became increasingly blurred , and gradually, the whole house became quiet.
She seemed to have followed Lin Jiarui.
My heart, which had finally felt full, seemed to be hollowed out in an instant. The empty feeling made me forget the pain in my stomach for a moment.
In fact, I really want to keep her.