The news that I had been sexually assaulted began to spread in the school, and even in the shantytown area, people began to spread the news. Soon, those unbearable words reached the ears of my teachers and my parents.
I haven't felt this scared in a long time.
When the teacher talked to me, I denied everything in a veiled manner. However, I knew very well in my heart that even if I escaped the school's questioning, I would not be able to escape the questioning at home.
I know I shouldn't blame An Xiaoduo. The mouth is on someone else's body and I can never stop that person from saying anything.
I just felt panicked. I didn't know how to explain it to my parents and how not to make them sad.
Since leaving the restaurant that day, I have rarely seen Xu Yan. He seemed very busy, and seemed to be avoiding me on purpose.
On the day of the holiday, I finally couldn't help but go look for Xu Yan, but was told by his classmates that Xu Yan had not come to class for a long time and his parents had helped him to handle the procedures for going abroad.
I suddenly felt like I was struck by lightning. Why had he never told me about this?
I don’t know how I got home. I only know that when I got home, my father, who was shaking with anger, slapped me in the face.
"Tell me, is what those people said true?"
"Why are you so confused? How can I face people when I go out?"
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
…
I have never seen my father cry. In my impression, Old Jian has always been a very funny old man. Even last time when someone falsely accused me of pushing An Xiaoduo down the stairs, he didn't cry.
My father hit me, and I knew he was worried about me. He must have been thinking, how could such a good girl like me be like this?
My father is not well educated. Although he never praises me to my face, he will tell everyone he meets that my daughter did well in the exam and the school even gave me a big red flower.
People say, Old Jian, you are so lucky!
But now he says, how can I face people when I go out in the future.
"Dad, I didn't! Don't believe what they say, I didn't ! I really didn't!"
"Mom, please persuade Dad, I really didn't do it!"
…
I begged desperately and kept denying. I told myself that I couldn't admit it. If I admitted it, I would become a laughing stock in the eyes of everyone and I would make my parents lose face in front of everyone. I would never admit it, even if I was beaten to death.
More and more people came to the house, some to watch the show, some to help persuade the people. I saw Ling'er hugging my father's legs and crying, " Grandpa, stop scolding Aunt Xiao Ning!"
I saw my mother holding her chest and crying with the support of my cousins.
Qixuan came over to pull me, but I shook him off, knelt down in front of my mother, pulled her trouser legs and cried and begged: "Mom, you have to believe me, I didn't, I didn't! Mom——"
My mother's face looked very ugly. She grabbed my hand stiffly and said with a straight face: "Little Eyes, look at how many people are looking at us in this room, and listen to how many people are talking about you outside. How can you let them say that? Mom will take you to the hospital and you can get a check-up. After the check-up, it will prove that the rumors outside are slandering you. Little Eyes, listen to mom, let's go to the hospital."
"No! I'm not going to the hospital! Mom, I'm not going!"
I waved her hand away in panic, watched her fall down crying, watched my dad kneeling on the ground crying like a madman, looked at the faces with different expressions in the room, and then rushed out of the house.
I heard someone shouting that my mother had a heart attack, I heard someone shouting at me to go back, and I heard someone chasing me from behind.
But I can't turn back. I can't go to the hospital for a check-up. If I go, I will be too embarrassed to see anyone. My parents will be too embarrassed. If I go, Xu Yan will be ruined.
Xu Yan, where are you? Xu Yan...
I ran around in the alley like a madman, and finally reached the side of the road, stopped a car, got in, and urged the driver to drive faster.
I called Xu Yan desperately, tears streaming down my face.
What should I do? What should I do?
He didn't answer my call. I knew he was there and he was deliberately not answering my call.
I kept calling him like crazy, and when he didn't answer, I sent him a text message.
All I could see before my eyes was my mother collapsing and my father’s tearful face.
I told Xu Yan that I was waiting for him in the house he rented, and if he wasn't there, I would die.
I told myself that if my mother died of a heart attack, I would die with her.
I know Xu Yan will come, he will.
Yes, he is here.
He picked me up from the ground and said, "Jian Lening, don't be like this. I'm going abroad. If you want to do this for my own good, please let me go. My future will be better after I go abroad."
I seemed not to hear what he said. I just grabbed his clothes and cried while telling him everything that happened at home.
How my dad cried and scolded me, how my mom fainted, how people talked about us, my mom wanted to take me to the hospital for a checkup...
I hugged Xu Yan and cried, but he never spoke again.
Tired of crying, I grabbed him and said, "Xu Yan, you said you would take me away. You said so, why do you want to abandon me like everyone else? Xu Yan, you promised me, how can you not want me? How can you leave me alone to go abroad?"
How could he abandon me like Qixuan and Lin Jiarui? He is different from them, why would he abandon me too?
Isn’t he the one who picked me up even when everyone else abandoned me?
Even Lin Jiarui hasn’t abandoned me, and even Qixuan has come back, so why is he leaving?
What should I do when he leaves? How should I go back and face everything?
He made me become what I am now, how can I just walk away?
But no matter how much I cried, made a fuss, or begged, he was determined to leave.
Looking at the faint smile still on his face, I doubt whether he really liked me.
Since you like me, how can you bear to leave me?
"I'm going to hate you if you leave."
"Next time...Jian Lening, next time, I will take you away even if I die."
He left, he left eventually, leaving me behind with just these irresponsible words.
I still remember the night he called me crying and confessed his sins to me, and he told me to never forgive him.
Once upon a time, I had completely forgiven him, but this time, as he wished, I really will never forgive him.
That day, I didn’t know how long I sat in the house rented by Xu Yan or how long I cried. I only remember that Qixuan and Lin Jiarui came to find me and took me to the hospital.
My mother was in the hospital for emergency treatment. Fortunately, God gave my mother back to me, otherwise, I would really have chased after her.
After my mother woke up, she never asked me about the incident again. After I returned home, the neighbors never mentioned it again. Only my father told me that I should live a good life with Qixuan in the future.
When Qixuan's grandmother sees me, she always has a stern face, but Qixuan's grandfather often comes to visit, and Qixuan seems to come to my house more often.
Later I found out that after I left that day, Qixuan, in order to protect me, told everyone that the person with me was him, and that he and I had tasted the forbidden fruit.
No matter how An Xiaoduo accused him of lying, he just wouldn't let go. He even knelt in front of my parents and begged them, saying that he was sorry for Xiaoyan and that it was a mistake I made in the heat of the moment.
Why did he say that? How could it be him? By doing this, he was promising my parents that he would be tied to me. Even if he felt sorry for abandoning me, he didn't have to sacrifice the rest of his life for me, right?
Just like Qixuan’s grandmother said, I am not worthy of her grandson.
Now I really don’t deserve it.
But in order to prevent my mother from being sad and my father from being embarrassed, I could only selfishly go along with Qixuan's lies and let everyone think that this was just a mistake we made during adolescence.
Xu Yan left. A few months later, the shantytown that had long been said to be demolished was finally demolished, and I finally left the land that had supported me.
I once loved that place, and I also once hated it, but the day I left, I felt empty inside.
Also demolished were my seventeen years of joys and sorrows, and the infatuation I had when I was seventeen years old was also buried here.
My parents used their life savings to buy an ordinary small house. They accepted the fact that Qixuan and I were together, but they still repeatedly warned me not to do anything illegal before I graduated from college.
Only Qixuan and I know that we will not violate the rules.
Just like when he was a child, he still has a strong obsession with cleanliness, both mentally and physically. To him, I am a handful of soil that he is reluctant to let go of but feels is dirty.
And at the age of seventeen, my heart built an empty grave, burying my youth that ended prematurely.
On the day I left the shantytown, I saw the woman selling leeks again at the vegetable market at the entrance of the alley. She squatted on the ground and watched me leave, she seemed to be saying something, and there seemed to be tears in her eyes, but I didn't know why she was crying.
Before leaving, Lin Jiarui called me and said, "Little Eyes, if I were there that day, I would have said the same thing as Qixuan. If it had been me, would we have been happier?"
I said "thank you" to Lin Jiarui. I knew that even if I didn't say it, he knew my answer.
I left the city with my love and hatred for this shantytown, and my love and hatred for Xu Yan.
A year ago, Qixuan and An Xiaoduo left, and I stayed here.
A year later, Qixuan took me away, but I didn’t know where to go.
My heart is empty, it doesn’t matter where I go.
It wasn't until six years later that I saw news about that person in the newspaper, and my long-empty heart began to ache again.
I spent six years hating Xu Yan, but I didn't know that person had loved me for six years with a lie .
For the past six years, Qixuan and I's relationship has been on the verge of crisis. After graduating from college, we got married, but on the very night of our wedding, our marriage was in name only.
Qixuan's mental obsession with cleanliness and my carelessness destined us to not be together.
Six years later, I found the man according to the address given in the newspaper. He had just finished chemotherapy and was sitting in the hospital corridor painting .
That baby face has lost its former childishness and has become a little desolate.
I have loved and hated, but at the moment of reunion, everything turned into a sigh in the empty years.
Under his astonished gaze, I moved closer to him, rested my head in his arms, endured the pain in my nose, and asked him: "Xu Yan, how are you going to pay me back for those six years?"
At that moment , I, who was always left behind, was finally hugged tightly by the person I cherished most.