Volume 6 2014 Chapter 1048 Concepts and Behaviors
“Do you think you are that kind of person?”
After listening to Yi Haoyan's inner statement, Professor Jin was silent for a long time.
"Yes."
The young man lying on the sofa in the consultation room had a serious expression on his face, his eyes staring straight at the ceiling without any hesitation.
The warm winter sun shines through the window of the consultation room, bathing the entire room in warmth and creating a very relaxing atmosphere.
But the boy lying there was still like a piece of ice, exuding coldness and closedness, which was out of tune with the atmosphere in the room.
"Actually... these are just moral issues, not that serious, and are far ."
“But I don’t think that’s forgivable.”
"Is it that you cannot forgive this behavior? Or is it that you cannot forgive yourself for doing this?"
“Does this make any difference?”
"Like, if this behavior happened to someone else, would you still feel so strongly about it?"
"That has nothing to do with me."
"So, you care about yourself doing this kind of behavior, and you don't care about other people's affairs."
"You could say that."
"You set high standards for yourself, especially morally."
"Is there anything wrong with that?"
"It's too demanding, and it's painful if you can't do it, just like now."
"I don't think this basic moral requirement is very high."
"Yes, but people always make mistakes."
“There are some mistakes that just can’t be made.”
"Yes, there are some mistakes that cannot be made, and those are usually written in the law."
"You mean what I have is nothing?"
"I mean you can try to forgive yourself."
"That's impossible."
…
The conversation went smoothly, but progress was slow. Yi Haoyan was very determined and basically refused to accept any changes.
He answered every question, but spoke very quickly, without the slightest hesitation or delay. This behavior showed that he already had the answers to these questions and would not accept other people's opinions.
But being able to communicate is a good thing, and you can always find a breakthrough between questions and answers.
Seeing that the young man was very persistent in his ideas, Jin Changhe changed his mind.
"If you can't forgive yourself, you will continue to attack yourself, and the root cause of depression will always exist. If forgiving yourself is difficult for you now, perhaps we can try to ask for forgiveness from those who have been hurt, which will also help."
"Um...you said to gain their forgiveness..."
Hearing this, the boy, who had always been very defensive and spoke every word clearly and decisively, hesitated for the first time and then fell silent.
He thought of Eun-bi.
After what she had gone through, was it possible for her to forgive herself?
And Choi Jin-ri.
Will she forgive herself?
And Victoria Song too.
How easy is it to ask for forgiveness?
Yi Haoyan couldn't even answer the method proposed by Professor Jin.
…
"You can also try to find other ways. The specific methods can be varied."
Jin Changhe noticed the change in the boy's attitude, which was a signal.
A chance to get to the heart.
So he didn't push the issue further and got straight to the point.
“I’m not actually discussing morality or how to seek forgiveness, my goal is just to help you find the cause of your depression and resolve it.
"The whole thing, at present, seems to be mainly due to your breakup , and the main reason for the breakup is that she felt you were cheating on her. There are many things worth pondering here."
Jin Changhe began to analyze the problem in detail.
"First of all, why did you choose to hide it from her?"
"There's a huge gap between our identities. I really like the feeling of being with her as ordinary people and don't want to change this relationship."
Without touching the painful points, Yi Haoyan recovered.
"Can it be understood that they are afraid that the gap in their identities will lead to a change in their relationship?"
"Yes."
"That makes sense. It's not impossible. That means you actually care about Eun-bi and are seriously in love with her."
"Yes."
"There is nothing wrong with the starting point, so the second question is, after such a long time of dating, with your ability and strength, it is not impossible for you to slowly let her know or accept your identity, right?"
“…”
This question made the boy silent again.
"Why not?"
“Fear, worry about the risks.”
After a long silence, Yi Haoyan gave the answer.
"What are you afraid of?"
"I'm afraid our relationship will change. As long as we try to clarify our identities, there is a risk of change."
"In theory, it is true, but if we keep it a secret, the risk will be greater, right?"
Professor Jin directly pointed out the crux of the problem.
"Yes, but I don't want to take any chances."
"You see, there is a paradox in the logic here. On the one hand, the reason for not making it clear is that you are afraid that the current relationship will change. However, if you keep it a secret, the risk of exposure will always exist. There are risks on both sides, and the latter is more morally risky. Why did you choose the former?"
"I……"
Yi Haoyan couldn't answer.
"You can't answer this because it doesn't make sense, but you made this choice anyway. So, it's not a choice based on rational logic."
“…Why is that?”
As the conversation deepened, the problem finally touched upon the part that Yi Haoyan had not thought about.
He doesn't know the answer.
"Some idea in your subconscious mind limits your behavior at that time. There is a theory in psychology that human behavior is a manifestation of inner ideas or desires, and everyone's behavior has reasons."
"What's the meaning?"
"Let me give you an example. For example, if you are walking down the street normally and a young man who looks like you is walking towards you, and you don't know him, will you suddenly go on the defensive to avoid him suddenly attacking you?"
"No, not under normal circumstances."
"Why not?"
“No normal person would do that.”
"How do you judge whether the other person is a normal person? And why wouldn't a normal person do this?"
Professor Jin's words were a bit strange, but Yi Haoyan understood what he meant.
"These are two questions. To judge whether someone is a normal person, you need to look at many aspects, such as clothing, appearance, behavior, etc. The second question is that normal people have normal behavior patterns and will not suddenly attack others."
“What is a normal pattern of behavior?”
Professor Jin suddenly started to ask questions .
"Forehead……"
The boy couldn't explain it clearly at the moment.
"Simply put, there are many rules in our society. These rules do not use specific physical measures to constrain people all the time, but the concepts formed by these rules control people's behavior."
Jin Changhe gave his own explanation.
"In the example just now, if a person randomly attacks a stranger on the street, he will definitely be controlled by the police, or sent to prison, or to a mental hospital. In short, there will be measures to restrain him."
"Yes."
"This is a rule, but it is not explicit. There are not so many police on the street to protect you, give you a sense of security, and restrain your behavior. In fact, there are basically no police on the street."
"That's it. What do you want to say?"
"What I mean is that what really constrains people's behavior is the idea that you can't attack others casually. It's the idea in your mind that controls and constrains people's behavior. And this constraint is observed by everyone. Everyone knows that you can't attack others casually. Everyone abides by this. So when you see a stranger on the street, you don't get nervous or defensive, because you have expectations. His idea is the same as yours. This is a concept that is generally observed in society."
"That's right."
"I gave this example to find out why the way you handle your relationship is illogical."
Professor Jin explained.
"Behavior reflects ideas, and people's behavior is also a manifestation of certain ideas. You mentioned your fear of change many times before, and we have reason to believe that this fear affects your behavior. For four years, you did not take any action, which means that this idea has been affecting you.
"We don't know exactly why we are afraid, or where this fear comes from. But it is this fear of failure that constrains your behavior and prevents you from doing what is logically best for yourself, which ultimately leads to an unacceptable outcome."
" ..."
Yi Haoyan did not follow Professor Jin's train of thought on this issue, he immediately connected it to another issue.
"So what you said before about me having too high moral standards for myself is also a concept, right? Is this also one of the problems?"
