It was drizzling, people were hurrying by on the street, cars were speeding on the road, and the foreign faces looked so strange.
I stood outside the cafe with my drawing board on my back, looking at this strange city in confusion, not knowing what was waiting for me.
I never carried an umbrella before because I knew she would come to pick me up.
I'm waiting here, but she will never come.
A Yin, where are you?
The weather in London is always unpleasant. Every time it rains, I can only stay at home in a daze and start to recall the past. Those forgotten and unforgotten things are all replayed in my mind.
I picked up the pen and wanted to draw her appearance on the blank paper, but even though her facial features were deeply engraved in my mind, I couldn't draw her appearance.
Without her, I'm out of ideas.
After coming to London, I have never painted a satisfactory painting. Countless pieces of waste paper have become her outline as I painted.
Every night when I think of her hateful expression and resolute back, my heart starts to ache and I can't sleep all night.
Ding Lanyin is a scar on my heart that hurts me all the time.
Because of one person, I can't like another city.
But when I saw my mother's smile, I felt a little comforted.
"Baby, come down quickly, Shen Meng is here." My mother's voice downstairs interrupted my thoughts. I came back to my senses, looked at the blank paper, and sighed secretly.
When I went downstairs, Shen Meng was sitting on the sofa in a proper manner. When she saw me, she quickly stood up, smiled and said coquettishly, "Xuan, can you accompany me to play? I just came to London and I don't know anyone here."
My mother kept winking at me and said, "Baby, take Mengmeng with you. She came to London just for you. It's not easy for a little girl."
Her tone was unquestionable. I nodded expressionlessly and said, "I'll get the easel."
Shen Meng pulled my sleeve and continued to act coquettishly: "Just play with me today, don't take the easel every time."
I was silent for a long time and finally nodded.
Carrying an easel, finding a good view, and concentrating on painting can avoid a lot of unnecessary trouble. Along the way, I kept pushing away Shen Meng's hand on my arm. She asked with some displeasure : "Why don't you let me touch you? Do you hate me?"
"I don't hate you."
I just hated myself and didn't dare to go against my mother's wishes.
Shen Meng took me for a walk on the streets of London, exclaiming all the time, and she found everything so strange.
I stared blankly at her cheering figure, my eyes were dry and my heart was filled with melancholy.
In the past, when Ding Lanyin and I went out together, I always cheered and jumped for joy like Shen Meng. But now, I don’t know where that person is, and I haven’t even said goodbye, let alone greeted him.
From familiar to unfamiliar.
How nice it would be if I could go back to my childhood.
When I was little, I didn't like Ding Lanyin at all. She was as timid as a frightened rabbit and came to the Ding family just to take away my parents.
So I always try to find ways to get my parents to kick her out.
Maybe I was a little vicious at that time, but in order to defend my territory, I didn't care about anything else. But when I saw my mother beating her, I hid aside and felt so guilty. At that moment, I was even afraid that my mother would kick her out. I wanted to rush out and say that I lied, but I was timid.
Because people are selfish.
When Ding Lanyin came for the first time, I was really shocked by her eating style. She ate most of the dishes on the table. At that time, I wondered how this girl could eat so much and still be so thin.
At night, I secretly asked my mother who she was.
My mother said that because she felt sorry for her, she would live in my house from now on.
I asked if I should call her sister, and my mother said in an angry voice: "What kind of sister is she to you? Just treat her as a cat or dog you picked up on the street!"
Ding Lanyin is not my sister.
I have never called her "sister".
Ding Lanyin is the best person to me in my life besides my parents.
She always has a cold face to others, but in front of me, she always smiles, so gently.
When I was a kid, she would run all over town to buy me a color of paint. She would bring me an umbrella every time it rained. On cold days, she would always stop me before I went out and ask me to put on more clothes.
I remember when I was in the first grade of junior high school, our class organized an autumn outing to climb the mountain. I fell behind and got lost on the mountain. From childhood to adulthood, I have always grown up in a honeypot, never afraid of anything, let alone worrying about anything, but that time I was the only one, and I was so timid that I was scared to tears by the wind on the mountain.
At night, the lonely forest was so scary, there were so many strange noises, and any movement would make me tremble all over. Countless terrifying scenes emerged in my mind. In such a dark night, it was Ding Lanyin who climbed up the mountain with a flashlight and found me first.
When her voice rang in my ears, I almost fainted with joy.
I stumbled towards the light, grabbed her hand and hugged her, but I felt her palm was wet. I looked and it was blood.
Ding Lanyin broke her wrist and her face was bruised by a sharp stone while trying to find me. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and cried, "You are a fool!"
She smiled and touched my head, saying, "You are a fool. You can even get lost when going down the mountain."
"What if you get disfigured?"
"Then I will never marry, and you must support me."
I nodded heavily and said yes, making the first promise in my life.
Although I didn't know how I felt about Ding Lanyin at that time, I knew that without her, I would never have become a painter.
Whenever I lack inspiration, she and I would go to faraway places to look for inspiration, regardless of the trouble. Those landscapes, those marks she left with me, have become black and white photos, never fading.
Those experiences all seem to shine brightly, making them so unforgettable.
In junior high school, I was going through the so-called puberty. I started to have acne on my face and my voice was changing. At that time, I never dared to face up to such changes, so I always kept silent, fearing that the sound of my duck voice would be laughed at.
Ding Lanyin found many ways to treat acne for me to try. I laughed at her for making a fuss, but she said seriously, "Boys need to be handsome. Acne will affect your handsomeness."
I don't care if my face will be ruined by acne, but she takes it to heart. When I don't dare to speak, she always comforts me: "Even if your voice is changing, it still sounds good."
Looking at the serious expression on her face, I even wondered if a duck voice could sound nice.
Ding Lanyin is changing me little by little, making me a better person. At the same time, I also hope for such a change, because one day I will be worthy of her.
This thought has been buried in my heart, and I dare not speak it out. Because I am afraid that once I say it out, everything will be ruined, so that love is buried in the deepest part of my heart.
I don’t know when I started to like Ding Lanyin. Those things seeped into my life bit by bit, and in the end I couldn’t let go.
The moment of sudden realization came from a love letter.
Ding Lanyin smiled very happily when she received her first love letter. She handed the letter to me and said proudly, "It turns out that there are still people who like me."
I was very angry when I saw the embarrassing words on the love letter, so I tore it up and said coldly, "This kind of love letter is not well written at all."
She smiled and asked, "Are you jealous?"
I was slightly stunned, and she continued, "I'm jealous that someone sent me a love letter, but you didn't receive one."
Her first sentence was right, I was jealous.
I envy others who can express their love openly.
I asked somewhat unhappily, "So do you like the person who sent you the love letter?"
Ding Lanyin shook her head.
I continued to ask: "What kind of person do you like?"
Ding Lanyin said: "I may never meet someone I like in this life."
Actually, I really want to ask you, do you like someone like me?
But how do I ask?
The first person to discover my thoughts was Shen Meng.
When I was in high school, Shen Meng was my classmate. She should be considered a pretty girl in the school, but compared to Ding Lanyin, she was not even close. Needless to say, she was not as good-looking as Ding Lanyin. Her personality was very different. Shen Meng had a bad temper, was willful, and unreasonable. She often asked questions that were a headache for me.
Shen Meng's thoughts are so easy to guess, everything is written on her face. When she is happy, she pulls others to be happy with her, and when she is unhappy, she makes others unhappy as well.
She always follows me around like a little tail bug, and she annoys me countless times every day. Every time she calls my name in a sharp voice, it gives me a chilling feeling. Her persistence is like a fire, too hot to avoid.
Originally the secret was well hidden, but after school, Shen Meng brought me a math test paper with a score of 35 and asked me to explain the problem to her. Then she turned to my math book and drew a sketch of Ding Lanyin. Although it was just a few strokes, it was enough to see the outline of a person.
She was so angry that her face turned red, and she asked, "Who is this girl? Do you like her?"
"She is my sister."
"You actually like your sister, this is incest!"
I denied it reflexively: "Shen Meng, are you crazy? How could I like my sister?"
Shen Meng was stunned, lowered her head, and whispered: "I'm sorry, I'm just angry."
How I wanted to shout out loud: "Yes, I just like my sister, so what?"
But I can't. The timidity in my heart prevents me from saying it out loud, so I am destined to lose Ding Lanyin in this life.
My mother remarried and my stepfather moved the whole family to London.
When I heard the news, my first reaction was to ask my mother, "Will Ding Lanyin go with us?"
My mother said coldly, "She is not related to me, why do you want to bring this burden with you?"
"But...but..." I was so anxious that I couldn't say anything.
My mother warned me grimly, "We will be moving to England soon, so don't tell her about this."
"mom!"
"Also, you'd better forget about that person. You are a famous painter now, and her worthless life is not worthy of you."
In a hurry, I said without hesitation: "But I just like her."
My mother was so angry that she slapped me and said, "If you want her, you don't have me. You make your choice!"
"Mom..." I looked at her pleadingly with red eyes, hoping she would let go.
But she was determined. After a while, she said slowly, "Son, you can find a better person. I agree with everyone except Ding Lanyin."
"I love her all my life!" My face turned red and I yelled at my mother.
"You won't be satisfied until you piss me off to death!" Mom's face was filled with rage. She sat on the sofa, holding her forehead, and her face suddenly turned pale.
I didn't give up yet, I knelt in front of her and continued to beg, "Mom, can you please listen to me for the last time?"
"From now on, you are not allowed to go anywhere, not even to school! If you step out of the house, I will die in front of you!" My mother's attitude was very resolute, and I was powerless to resist. She also confiscated all my communication tools, determined not to leave me any way out.
My dad had passed away and I didn’t want to lose my mom again.
Every day I sat by the windowsill, hoping that the familiar figure would come back, but Ding Lanyin did not show up until I got on the plane.
I never thought that Shen Meng would apply to be an exchange student and come to London.
The first thing she said to me was: "Ding Xuan, if I let you run away again this time, you'll be my grandson!"
The tone was so overbearing, but it didn't make people feel disgusted. In fact, the moment she appeared, I felt a little happy in my heart. Not for anything else, just because there was finally a familiar person in this strange environment.
When I came to London, I didn't go to a regular school. My stepfather hired someone to teach me how to paint. Every time my mother told me that the tuition was too expensive and I should study hard. I tried hard to study, but I was always distracted because I would think of Ding Lanyin unconsciously.
I walked alone through many places in London carrying my easel, but I had no desire to paint.
Without Ding Lanyin, I can't paint.
Shen Meng said stubbornly in front of me: "Ding Xuan, I want to be your muse!"
She looked so bold and confident that I could only remain silent.
My mother always told me to take care of Shen Meng and go along with her personality, saying that she was not a bad person.
I admit what my mother said, but I cannot give love to Shen Meng. In this life, my heart has been given to Ding Lanyin, and then it was crushed by her. From then on, there was a void in my chest, and nothing can fill it.
Shen Meng said exaggeratedly: "In my previous life, I was Nuwa, and I could mend the sky. In this life, let me fill the void in your heart."
After living in London for a long time, Shen Meng has changed a lot. I asked her why, and she said that London is a city that can make people more open-minded.
On Valentine's Day, Shen Meng handed me the chocolates she made by hand and asked carefully, "Ding Xuan, I want to ask you one last time, can you like me, even just a little bit?"
The words for my answer got stuck in my throat and I couldn't utter a word.
The light of expectation in her eyes dimmed little by little, and she said, "Ding Xuan, I've been chasing you for so long, I'm so tired, so I want to take a break. All the love and passion of this life have burned out in you. From the first time I saw you, I liked you and chased you to London eagerly. My mother said that I was being a cheapskate, but there is nothing I can do, I just like being a cheapskate. I used to think that I could do anything for the person I love, but now I understand that love is a matter between two people. I'm sorry to have disturbed you for so long..." When she said the last sentence, her tone was indifferent and tears kept falling.
"I am the one who should say sorry... I'm sorry..." I was also sad and guilty, but I didn't know what to do.
"I saw Ding Lanyin before I came to London."
I was shocked and asked hurriedly, "How is she now?"
Shen Meng wiped her tears and said, "The person next to her is Zhuang Li, and the two of them look very happy."
It turns out that Ding Lanyin already has happiness.
That's good.
I closed my eyes, and countless memories of Ding Lanyin flashed through my mind. In the end, she still held someone else's hand.
At this moment, I sighed softly.
After Shen Meng left, I tried to pick up a pen and draw, and the final drawing looked a bit like her unconsciously.
Later I realized that the shadow in my heart was eventually replaced by a diligent person, and the empty chest was filled again by Shen Meng with her heart.
But I can't find her.
Shen Meng returned to China. Before she left, she sent me a paintbrush and a postcard. On the postcard was written: I hope you can paint happiness all over the world with your brush.
Without you, I couldn't draw this world.