overseas student.
International students.
In the eyes of others, studying abroad is such a romantic thing. You can meet gentleman foreigners and experience different foreign cultures.
In fact, the life of international students is not so leisurely. Foreign universities only promote grades of ABCDEF. If you like the teacher, you can get an A even if you don't go to class. If you don't like it, it will be useless even if you pester those weird old men. American teachers seem to be easy-going, but in fact, once they get serious, it will be tragic.
My name is Sera. I’m an international student studying civil engineering at MIT. I’m 26 years old. I don’t have a boyfriend or a romantic partner, and I don’t have a nightlife. Apart from studying, I work.
Maybe girls who study engineering have too strong appearance, so no one has ever pursued me until now. My mother often leaves me messages on MSN saying that a 26-year-old who is still studying is an old woman and may never get married. It seems that once a person is over 25, life is completely different.
I'm still three days away from turning 26.
Well, actually the main reason why I don’t have a boyfriend is that the guys at MIT are all kind of… reserved. I thought twice about using this word, fearing that I might offend my foreign friends.
Compared to blue eyes, blond hair, and high nose bridge, I still prefer Asian faces. But there are very few Asian faces in school, not to mention that foreigners are more open-minded and always maintain a casual attitude towards sex. It's over after playing, and they part ways. He abandons you, but occasionally comes back to sleep with you again.
I really can't accept such people.
I had been living a monotonous life in a foreign country numbly until I met Zhuang Li.
The class that day was about engineering science. The teacher was a weird old man who liked to speak in an American dialect, mixed with abbreviations and slang, making it difficult to understand. Professional terms are difficult to understand, and I still couldn't understand them after preparing for so long. When I was about to fall asleep, the classroom door suddenly opened and a boy came in.
He has a delicate oriental face, but his temperament is as cold as a prince of the royal family. Perhaps the princes of the royal family are more easy-going than him. His appearance is very much like the ice and snow in Antarctica that never melts all year round, leaving marks in people's hearts for no reason.
The light behind him made him look like an angel who had just fallen from heaven.
I heard foreign girls exclaim: "He is so cool!"
It turns out I'm not the only one who is obsessed with flowers.
The old man hated people being late the most, but when he saw the boy coming in, he just raised the corners of his mouth, showing a rare smile, and continued teaching.
During class, the boy sat in front of me on the right, and I never took my eyes off his back. At the end, I couldn't help but spit on myself: Sera, you are a 26-year-old woman, but you are crazy about an 18- or 19-year-old boy. How shameless are you!
My face is burning.
I tried my best to divert my attention, but I didn't hear a word of what the old man said. My mind was full of thoughts about how to get close to that boy.
Forgive me for being a real appearance-conscious person.
Even though I am not outstanding and do not have stunning looks, I always have a crush on people with good looks.
After finally waiting for the get out of class to end, I shamelessly sat down next to him with my book in my arms. He didn't even raise his eyelids. Looking at him closely, I realized that this boy's face made my heart beat faster and all the blood kept rushing to my head.
This feeling is terrible!
My experience of dating men for more than 20 years has taught me that this man is not easy to pick up.
When the word "bubble" appeared in my mind, I despised myself even more. I couldn't tell whether I was on Earth or Mars when I looked at a handsome little boy.
If my mother knew that my interest in men was rekindled because of a little boy, she would definitely call me shameless.
But I can't see the man in front of me as a little boy. His profile and his deep eyes seem to have seen all the vicissitudes of life.
After finishing my lines, I finally smiled and extended my hand, trying to greet in a gentle tone: "My name is Sera, nice to meet you. You seem to be new here and you are unfamiliar with the place, so feel free to ask me if you have any questions."
I kept the handshake in place for about a minute, even my smile became stiff, and he didn't even look at me.
If it weren't for his stunningly handsome face, I would have flipped the table and beat him up. He actually dared to ignore the friendly hand extended by the senior! Although my thoughts were ferocious, I still kept a decent smile on my face. Finally, I pulled my face, which was about to collapse, and asked with a grin, "Are you deaf?"
After a long while, he replied in a low voice: "I don't want to talk to old women."
This sentence completely pissed me off. If there weren't so many people around, I would have definitely beaten him up. Although what he said was absolutely right, it was so direct that it really made me want to flip the table.
At night, I squatted in front of the computer and asked my mother on MSN: "Am I really old?"
My mother quickly replied: "Go paint yourself some green and act young!"
"I want to pick up a handsome guy!"
"If he's younger than you, just give up."
My mother always knows where it hurts the most when she steps on me.
In the end, all the countless words I wanted to say turned into an ellipsis.
In the middle of the night, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, my mind full of that man's profile.
"Sera, you are so shameless!" I cursed, closing my eyes and forcing myself to sleep.
The next day, I didn't have many classes, so after class, I went to the library with a pile of books. There are five libraries in MIT, and I met that person again in one of them.
If the first meeting was just a hasty arrangement by God, then the second meeting must be called fate.
The world is so big that we can meet each other twice in a row!
Well, I admit that in MIT, a school with less than 200 acres, there are only so many people coming and going, and the number of Asian faces can be counted on one's fingers. I just want to emphasize or paralyze myself that there is a chance between him and me, even though there is no chance at all.
Cold and aloof people should live in novels and TV dramas, and should not appear in reality, because the appearance of such people will only cast a dreamy shadow on reality.
I knew clearly that some people should not be touched, but I still jumped in front of him with a book in my arms, smiled and said, "Tim, nice to see you again!"
He replied expressionlessly: "You got the wrong person."
"You are Tim. I'm not mistaken."
"My name is Zhuang Li."
"So your name is Zhuang Li..." The trick worked, and I smiled with some pride.
He didn't say anything and seemed to want to bypass me.
I quickly stepped in front of him and said shamelessly, "I'll treat you to a drink at the Eagle Bar."
Zhuang Li didn't even look at me and walked away. I shouted loudly from where I stood: "See you tonight at 9 o'clock in the bar."
My intuition tells me that he will definitely go, he will be attracted by my talent and we will have a great conversation.
Well, these were all my illusions. I waited in the bar for two hours that night, but he still didn't come.
My mother is right, just go to bed.
When I woke up the next day, I found crow's feet around my eyes and almost cried out in shock. I was only 26, not 62, and I already had crow's feet. The sense of crisis of entering the ranks of women was terrible.
This feeling did not subside until I met Zhuang Li for the third time.
When he met Zhuang Li, he was blocked by two enthusiastic busty girls. The two busty girls pulled Zhuang Li's arms without knowing what was good for him, and his face was as cold as iron.
I walked over quickly, took Zhuang Li's arm with a smile on my face, and said, "Hey! He is my boyfriend!"
One of the busty girls gave a thumbs up and said in her unfamiliar Chinese: "So handsome... so cool..."
“Thanks!”
The proud expression on my face was as if the person being praised was really my boyfriend.
After getting rid of the clinging busty girl, Zhuang Li's expression still didn't improve much. He pulled my hand down and said coldly, "Don't touch me."
I was so disgusted by this ungrateful behavior that I argued, "Junior brother, it was me who saved you after all. I didn't ask you to marry me. You should at least repay me by treating me to a meal." My face became thicker again.
He threw a hundred dollars to me from his pocket and said coldly, "I don't owe you anything."
My dignity told me that I should refuse the temptation of money, but in fact I picked up the money with a smile and said thank you.
I can buy a lot of things with a hundred dollars.
On the weekend, I went to the supermarket and bought a lot of vegetables, preparing to invite Zhuang Li to taste the taste of Chinese food together.
Without his phone number, I had to go to the school library to look for him. Zhuang Li clearly saw me, but he ignored me and turned around as if he saw nothing. He walked like a mouse seeing a cat, and then I chased him. After two circles, I finally succeeded in losing Zhuang Li.
I sat on the steps in my high heels, panting, looking around, but there was no sign of Zhuang Li.
I told my mother about this shameless act, and she said, "You are so shameless that you even didn't let a little boy go."
I sent the secretly taken photos of Zhuang Li to my mother, and she typed a series of exclamation marks and said, "Daughter, please kidnap my son-in-law back as soon as possible!"
"He is seven or eight years younger than me..."
"You really are horny!"
I'm no longer surprised by my mother's avant-garde nature.
"Silent Separation" tells us a truth: if you want to chase your male god, you have to be thick-skinned. The prerequisite is that you have to be beautiful, naive, and pure like a white lotus.
I don’t think I’ve fallen in love with Zhuang Li yet, I just feel that he has a story and I want to hear his story... Well, actually, I just want to see more of his face.
Are you not allowed to take a look if you can’t get it?
During the Engineering Science class, I deliberately lingered until the end to enter the classroom, then strode towards Zhuang Li and greeted him, "Good morning!"
I thought he would remain silent, but he suddenly said, "Old woman, I'll treat you to a drink at the bar tonight."
I smiled and nodded, but what I was actually thinking was: If you call me old woman again, I’m going to kill you!
I am just such a schizophrenic...old woman.
Zhuang Li told me a story about a girl named Ding Lanyin. Before starting this story, I asked, "Is she very shameless, always pestering you and chasing you, silly and naive, pure as a white lotus?"
Zhuang Li drank silently, with a subtle expression on his face. After a long while, he whispered an irrelevant question: "If a girl breaks up with me, what is the reason?"
Before I could think about it, I blurted out, "She has a mental problem."
It is simply unjust that such an outstanding person like Zhuang Li would be dumped. Only a crazy person would break up with him.
Ding Lanyin is that madman.
I'm really curious about what the person who can conquer Zhuang Li looks like.
Zhuang Li said: "She is as cold and lonely as I am. She is not clingy and not naive. She always obeys and perfunctorily does what she is told."
"Do you love her, then?"
"It was only when we broke up that we realized it was love."
"What do you love about her?"
"Everything, no matter how false or perfunctory it is, is unforgettable..."
His voice was very soft when he said the last four words , but they hit my heart hard.
In my eyes, people like Zhuang Li are only suitable to live out their lives alone, and it would be best if they never fall in love with anyone.
But in fact, the more indifferent a person is, the less he cares about things. Once he finds a ray of light, he will use all his life to get closer. So such people always have a hard time loving, because they never say love, and all their love is suppressed and buried.
Those who left never had the patience to wait until the moment he spoke.
"Zhuang Li, can you tell me what touched you about Ding Lanyin?"
Zhuang Li looked out the window without saying anything.
Occasionally you can hear someone curse "bitch" in the bar, and the sound of the guitar mixed with the singer's voice forms a strange echo in the bar.
Zhuang Li turned around, took the last sip of wine, and said calmly, "Let's go."
I smiled and said okay, but in fact I was thinking: Why are you keeping me in suspense?
Zhuang Li returned to her aloof demeanor, as if the time she had been a close friend that night had ended. Our relationship returned to how it was before, and he pretended not to hear anything I said. Zhuang Li always lived in his own world.
I had always been curious about what his world was like until that encounter at the Old North Church.
Boston is a city with a long history and rich historical heritage. The Old North Church is one of Boston's city landmarks.
The Old North Church has a striking white spire, with a primitive political weathervane on top. Inside the church is a bust of George Washington, which the Marquis de Lafayette said was his best portrait.
I have been in the United States for so long, but I haven't had the chance to travel around, so the Old North Church is my first stop.
Perhaps every woman has imagined that one day she will wear a white wedding dress, be held hand by hand by her beloved, and have a holy wedding in the church with the priest as witness.
But I didn't expect to meet Zhuang Li as soon as I walked into the church. He sat by the window, with a large patch of sunlight pouring down on him. His shadow fell on the floor, slender and lonely. At this moment, he was looking intently at the lights in the church, as if he was immersed in another world.
I couldn't help but walk to his side. I felt that it was God's arrangement that allowed me to meet Zhuang Li again and again in Boston.
It seemed to be reminding something.
As soon as I sat down, Zhuang Li turned around with a cold look in his eyes.
I hurriedly explained: "I didn't follow you, it was just a chance encounter."
Zhuang Li said nothing, staring out the window expressionlessly. After a long while, he suddenly asked without thinking, "Is my name unlucky? Li, separation in life and death."
His thick eyelashes seemed to be covered with sadness.
I quickly used my confidant's intelligence and vetoed it, "Definitely not. Li is a hexagram. The hexagram of Li is Li below and Li above, which represents the continuous rise of light, fire on flame, light on light, and the image of continuous light. The person who named you really took great pains to name you."
"Really?" Zhuang Li asked self-deprecatingly, and then continued, "So this name is so meaningful."
"Let's not talk about names, let's talk about Ding Lanyin." I have been curious about this girl for a long time.
Zhuang Li seemed to be afraid to dig up his memories about Ding Lanyin and spread them out in front of everyone.
It was as if that was his own careful memory.
Of course, this is just my guess. After all, his personality is hard to guess, and he doesn't say anything. As his girlfriend, you must have a keen mind and be smart enough to guess what Zhuang Li wants from a look.
Obviously, Ding Lanyin is not that person.
Zhuang Li didn't seem to intend to talk about Ding Lanyin, but instead talked about the swing on the upper floor of their house and his mother who often sat on the swing.
"There is a swing on the top floor of our house. My mother often sits on it, seemingly looking at the gate of the manor, but also seemingly not. There is nothing in her eyes, nothing at all, including me. She is always immersed in her unknown world , sometimes with red eyes, sometimes with deep sighs. The sorrow on her face is as thick as autumn fog, which takes a long time to dissipate. She would cry when she saw a flower falling into the mud, and her eyes would be wet when she saw the continuous rain, as if her tears had never stopped..."
"Then what?"
"The relationship of the older generation is very strange. They are forced to be together even though there is no love between them, but they live their own lives. My mother saw my father hugging another woman with her own eyes, but she was indifferent, as if nothing had happened. They got married in the church, and I have seen the photos. Neither of them smiled."
"My home cannot be called a home. There is no warmth, only endless frost. I have never dared to laugh since I was a child, because I never got a response, so later on my eyes were filled with indifference."
"I have always been alone since I was little, I have no friends, and I have never learned how to be nice to someone. Is that why Ding Lanyin left me?"
I patted his shoulder and said in a condescending manner, "Little brother, just because you didn't ask for some reasons doesn't mean you can guess them. Maybe she has her own reasons."
"real?"
"real!"
I smiled at him and took the opportunity to say, "This time you should treat me to a meal."
Zhuang Li nodded, and a smile finally appeared on the corner of his mouth.
Later, when I passed by the church, I couldn't help but think of that cool boy who also had such a confused and sad side. Those places are like the shadows behind the sunflowers, which can never be illuminated by the sun.
My friendship with Zhuang Li developed very slowly, probably because he was too slow to warm up and always so slow to react to feelings. Ding Lanyin was a living example, she had to break up before she realized how much she loved the other person.
Perhaps love always requires people to go through something before they can feel it and understand that it has arrived quietly.
I told my mother that people nowadays are very slow in love. She said disdainfully: "You talk as if you are not slow."
As I approach the age of 27, I set a goal for myself: to get married by the age of 28.
Maybe it was because of Zhuang Li that no man approached me this year, not even a male dog paid any attention to me. Zhuang Li was so dazzling that others mistook him for my boyfriend.
I often whispered in his ear: "Zhuang Li, quickly give me a boyfriend, and then we can go our separate ways and no one will recognize each other."
"Old woman, if you don't clean yourself up, you'll really be unable to get married." Zhuang Li felt no guilt at all, as if he was not the culprit who had kept me single until now.
"There is a kind of beauty called natural beauty that is hard to give up."
"That's because Emperor Tang Minghuang was blind to like a fat woman."
It is estimated that Yang Yuhuan would chase Zhuang Li from Mawei Slope and strangle him to death after hearing this. After all, she was one of the four great beauties in ancient times, but in Zhuang Li's mouth, she became a fat woman who was abused.
"Old woman, I'm going back to my country..."
I was originally very enthusiastic about discussing the issue of beauty and ugliness with him, but he suddenly dropped a bomb, leaving me a little at a loss as to what to do.
It was as if something was pulled out of my body, and I was a little unsteady. I grinned and asked , "You haven't finished your course yet, why do you want to go back home?"
Zhuang Li didn't say anything, his face showed indifference mixed with a bit of irritation.
Seeing his reaction, I immediately understood that Ding Lanyin had probably done something strange again. I didn't shy away from asking directly, "You went back because of Ding Lanyin?"
"She has a boyfriend..." When he said this, his eyes revealed the confused and sad emotions again. The aloof prince suddenly turned into an old man sighing and groaning because he couldn't sell vegetables on the street.
This metaphor may be a bit inappropriate, after all, Zhuang Li is so handsome.
"So what do you want to do?"
"Then what should I do?"
Several plans suddenly came to my mind, but it depends on the person's wishes.
"Are you going to rush over to give your blessing? Or are you going to snatch the person away?"
"I have no idea……"
"So do you like Ding Lanyin?"
"like."
"Okay, okay, you love her. Do you know? Since you love someone, you can't let her go to someone else, because only you know that you are the only one who can make her happy. You can't guarantee how others will love her, but you know how you will love her. So, you have to use all means to win her back." I said it in a direct and unreasonable way.
How can love allow for reason and mutual concession?
If I love someone, I would rather tie him to myself than let him go with someone else.
Sadly, I haven’t found that person yet.
On the day Zhuang Li returned to China, I went to the airport to see him off.
Zhuang Li stood alone in the crowd, and I saw him at the first sight. Some people are obviously not in your sight, but you can catch their figure accurately.
I ran up to him, and said viciously with red eyes: "Remember to create an MSN account!"
"Definitely." He replied with a twitch of his mouth.
His faint smile made my heart beat faster, and I couldn't help but ask, "Can I hug you?"
Zhuang Li refused without any hesitation: "I'm afraid she'll get jealous after knowing this..."
I curled my lips to show my understanding, but what I was actually thinking was: Can you stop being so pretentious? What does she know by hugging her here?
When Zhuang Li becomes affectionate, he is actually quite pretentious.
But when I become affectionate, I become a crazy woman.
I once had a man, but he cheated on me with an eight-legged octopus. At that time, I was as old as Zhuang Li, and I was also so hypocritical and serious about someone.
Now I am old, and my heart has aged with me, and I no longer have the ability to love.
For a long time after Zhuang Li left, I was extremely uncomfortable. The school was lacking delicate Asian faces, and it was dull. I watched MSN every day to see if there were any new friends who added me.
I have been in a very empty state for a long time. Although I started to try to date those people, I couldn't get interested in them at all. In the end, Zhuang Li's face was still appetizing.
After finishing all the courses, I couldn't wait to return home. The first thing I did was not to see my dear mother, but to rush to E City to find Zhuang Li.
At this time, I was almost thirty years old and became a real old woman.
I started wearing makeup and using expensive skin care products in an attempt to reduce the signs of aging. After all this trouble, I finally realized that youth is gone forever.
Maybe I like Zhuang Li just because he is young. Being with him makes me feel younger.
This is not a love story between an older woman and a younger man, but the last attachment to youth of an old woman who is afraid of aging.
I didn't expect Zhuang Li to have some reputation in E City, and I soon found out where Zhuang's company was located. I carried two oversized suitcases and stepped on high heels. I came to the front desk girl of Zhuang's company and said arrogantly: "Tell Zhuang Li that Zhang Jiaxi is here."
After the call, the girl at the front desk looked at me with disdain and said, "I'm sorry, the chairman said he has never seen this person."
I cursed silently in my heart, wondering where the problem lay. Then a light bulb went off in my head, and I finally realized that Zhuang Li didn't even know my Chinese name.
So I said, "Then you said there's someone named Sera looking for you."
The girl at the front desk impatiently made a second call.
After a while, Zhuang Li came to me in a black suit, with a little more light in his eyes. He smiled and said, "Zhang Jiaxi, welcome back to the embrace of the motherland."
Zhuang Li actually smiled at me.
After not seeing him for nearly three years, Zhuang Li had grown taller, his facial features had become more robust, and a green beard had grown on his chin. His aloof temperament had completely changed, as if it had been worn away.
I put down my luggage and smiled again, "Why don't you call me an old woman?"
Zhuang Li did not answer. He carried the suitcase and drove to find a place for me to stay. I sat in the passenger seat and said restlessly, "I want to meet Ding Lanyin."
As he drove, he said, "If you're not in a hurry, you can attend my engagement ceremony with her next week. You can accompany me to buy an engagement ring later."
"Congratulations, little brother." I wished him sincerely.
Zhuang Li is engaged, but I'm still single. How can I put my face aside?
To be honest, I'm really afraid to attend such a warm yet heart-wrenching banquet.
Zhuang Li showed me the masterpiece he had prepared without any mercy and without reservation.
He watched the designer make the wedding dress stitch by stitch, and the castle was not a castle before, but an ordinary villa. Zhuang Li had it turned into a castle. He asked many high school classmates for those immature photos.
Zhuang Li happily told me about his courtship plan, and everything was perfect and romantic. I suddenly interrupted him and said, "Are you like your father? If so, I want to be your stepmother."
He was slightly stunned, then replied: "Old woman, you should just find someone to marry."
Since I turned 28, I have been completely indifferent, but Zhuang Li's proposal rekindled my desire for marriage.
On the beach, I watched Ding Lanyin walk towards Zhuang Li step by step on the rose petals. She was so beautiful, indeed beautiful enough to match Zhuang Li. Her face showed confusion, surprise, and despair.
Yes, her eyes, her slow movements, and the expression on her face as she stretched out her hand were all so desperate.
Women understand women best.
When I found out that my ex was cheating on me, I was in the same desperate state.
It turns out that love that is snatched away will never be happy.
The fire burned everything cleanly.
That boy is gone forever.
I'll always remember him sitting in the Old North Church, staring blankly out the window.
Later, when I went to see Zhuang Li, I saw Ding Lanyin.
She knelt in front of the grave, crying softly, and her sadness made my eyes red.
But I didn't go over to comfort her because I had already heard the story.
After all, I am just a bystander in this story.
In their stories, youth is noisy, tearing, shedding tears, dripping blood, and walking to the end step by step.