The butterfly is light blue.
It was a very comfortable color, not dazzling or threatening. But after a moment of illusion, I realized that it was not a butterfly, but a girl.
She was shivering in the cold wind, and she walked towards me step by step. I had a kind of expectation in my heart, as if this expectation had lasted for many years, expecting that this butterfly-like girl would discover my existence and find me hiding behind the heavy curtains.
Her steps were firm, leaving deep footprints on the ground step by step. Finally, she stopped in front of my window. At that moment, I lost the ability to think. Many familiar feelings rushed into my mind until a voice came into my ears.
"Xu Minyou, open the window. It's so cold outside. The butterflies will be frozen to death!" Her voice was so clear.
Before my brain could react, I had already opened the window, and she fluttered in like a nimble butterfly.
She stood in front of me, as if she thought I was too tall to look at me, so she pulled me down to squat, and she called me a liar, and she blamed me for forgetting her. Could it be that the voice in my head, the voice that told me not to forget, was hers?
"Xu Minyou, you must remember this time. I am Lu Nanxi. If you forget me again, I will definitely beat you up." As she said this, she waved her fist at me.
Some familiar things finally awakened in my mind bit by bit.
"You are Lu Nanxi."
"Yes, I'm Lu Nanxi." Her tone was so happy.
I found a piece of clothing and put it on her shoulders. I said, "It's so cold. Aren't you afraid of getting sick wearing this?"
She glared at me and complained, "Who told someone to forget it just like that?"
She pulled a cell phone out of her skirt pocket and handed it to me: "Here, your cell phone. Your grandfather asked me to return it to you."
I also remember this phone. I bought it specifically to contact her at that time, and there was only her number in the phone.
I said, “Thank you, and I’m sorry.”
I clearly promised her that I would try my best to remember her, but in the end I broke my promise. I did forget her, and in the end all I remembered was a vague shadow and some intermittent conversations. If she hadn't walked into my sight again on this snowy day, wearing this light blue skirt, I would definitely not have remembered her.
"Xu Minyou, what happened that day?" she asked carefully , "It's okay if you don't want to recall it."
I remembered the candied haws in her hand that day, the sugar on the corners of her lips, which were like medicine, making me completely out of control. At that time, I became more and more panicked because Nanxi couldn't calm me down. However, now I seem to understand why I became like that at that time, and why she couldn't make me feel at peace.
That's because she gave me the expectation of facing the future and a new day, while what I recalled was the past that I tried my best to escape from and forget forever.
"Because at that time I remembered a lot of things, including those that I really didn't want to recall."
I adjusted my breathing and tried to use the calmest tone possible to tell her the events that led to my current state.
In fact, the human heart cannot hold too many secrets. If there are too many secrets, the heart's ability to bear it will exceed its limit.
"I became like this because I witnessed the death of my parents." I lowered my head. "That day, you were eating candied haws and the corners of your mouth were stained with sugar, which looked like blood flowing from the corners of your mouth."
Once the memory of blood surfaced, there was no way to suppress it. The fear made my stomach contract violently. It was something I desperately wanted to forget and block out from the world.
The story begins when I was fourteen years old.
At that time, the Xu family had a large business, and because of the merger of a rival company, they made enemies. They kidnapped Xu Minyou and tried to use him to threaten my grandfather to return the acquired company.
Grandpa agreed directly, and Xu Minyou's parents went to deliver the contract together, but unexpectedly, they were also caught by the other party. It turned out that the other party's goal was not just to get back the company. They kidnapped Xu Minyou and Xu Minyou's parents and threatened Grandpa to declare the company bankrupt and transfer all financial power, otherwise they would kill the three of them.
Xu Minyou's hands were tied tightly at that time. He passed out. When he woke up, all he saw was blood all over the floor.
In addition to the blood, there was also his mother's cold body. The smell of blood made his stomach twitch, and his whole body trembled violently. He wanted to shout, but his mouth was tightly sealed with tape, so he couldn't make a sound. He looked for his father, but he was not in this room.
However, he soon heard it. His father's voice was so terrible that it conveyed the pain to his ears, and the fear was deeply imprinted in his heart. Later, the police came and all the thugs were arrested. If they were a step later, he would have ended up like his parents.
Since then, he didn't want to see bright colors, especially the color of blood. He suffered from autism. His grandfather found many doctors to treat him, but it was useless. Facing those eyes and hearing those voices, he completely collapsed. After suffering from autism for half a year, he locked himself in this attic.
His world was simple and pure. He built an indestructible castle for himself and thought it was foolproof. However, he never expected that one day someone would enter his world silently.
I have always been curious about what kind of story is hidden behind Xu Minyou's thick armor. Now that I know, I feel particularly heavy.
It's no wonder that he turned out like this after witnessing the death of two relatives at the same time.
I reached out and grabbed his wrist and said, "No one will hurt you anymore, so don't be afraid, whether in the past or in the future."
"You know what, Nanxi? I ​​used to think that I would never be able to face the fear in my heart. I didn't even dare to think about what my parents looked like, because if I did, I would be so scared that I wanted to vomit." He said self-deprecatingly, "Do you think I'm a coward?"
"Xu Minyou is obviously very brave," I said, "If you weren't brave, why would you try so hard to remember me?"
He said: "Actually I am very scared. I am afraid of forgetting you. Then I will have to go back to a world without sound and color."
"So Xu Minyou, are you still afraid of what happened in the past?" I am very concerned about this, but since he can tell me his story, even if he can't face it properly, at least he won't lose control.
"I still feel scared, and I don't know if I can control myself. Nanxi, I find that I'm beginning to be afraid to walk out of this attic," he said to me.
I said, "Why are you afraid to go out? You have already gone out!"
"Just like you just walked into this room, now open the door, can you walk out of this room without fear in your thin clothes?"
I was stunned. The real fear always comes after seeing all kinds of horrible things. If you are ignorant, you will not be afraid. But Xu Minyou, because he has been out there, he knows how many scary things are hidden in the outside world.
"But Xu Minyou, you can't stop walking at night just because you're afraid of the dark, and you can't be afraid to see new scenery just because you've been hurt." I said, holding his hand tightly, "No matter how scary it is outside, you still have me."
He stared at me blankly and was silent for a while. He said, "I can't let you stay with me forever. You have someone you like and a place you want to go. Sooner or later, you will leave."
Doctor Jiang said: "It's not impossible for boys and girls to have a friendship, but it's impossible for Xu Minyou and you. Xu Minyou likes you, and he wants to pull you into his world."
I didn’t think much about it then, but now I can’t help but think about it.
If I can get him out of the attic, can I promise to stay with him forever?
How do I feel about Xu Minyou?
I used to keep my eyes on Song Yan. Although I deceived myself by telling myself that I had stopped having a crush on him, did my heart also think so?
There were too many uncertainties and too many reasons, and I had no way to continue what he was saying.
He said, "It's vacation time now. I'll tell you my answer next spring when the ice and snow melt."
I put on his clothes and walked out of the attic, picked up the down jacket that was thrown on the ground, and walked downstairs step by step. It seemed that all the problems came back to me. What should I do? I had no idea at all.
Then let's leave everything to time. I turned my head to look at the snowflakes flying outside. Next year, he will tell me the answer. But by then, will I be able to give myself an answer?
I went downstairs and met Grandpa Xu who had been waiting for me. I told him that Xu Minyou had remembered me, but he hesitated about whether to leave the attic.
"Well, let's just let nature take its course." He stood up with a sigh. Due to his old age, his body was a little hunched.
Time always goes by very quickly at home. Because we have heating and my mother prepares a lot of delicious food every day, all I have to do every day is eat and sleep. In such weather, no one wants to go out.
I didn't go to the rooftop because I didn't know what to say when I saw Xu Minyou.
Everything seemed to have come to a dead end. I was afraid that he had forgotten me, but in the end he remembered me and told me the story that he didn't want to recall. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, but I always felt that something was confusing.
During the Chinese New Year, Song Yan sent me a blessing text message, and I just wrote a reply. It seemed that the only interaction we had was sending each other blessing text messages.
I couldn't tell whether I was happy or sad. This complex feeling made me feel a little overwhelmed. I had liked him for so many years, but the funny thing was that I didn't even have the courage to tell him that I liked him.
I am a coward myself, so why should I give Xu Minyou courage?
Because I am a coward, has Xu Minyou, who has been watching me, also become a coward?
Is it really okay to end it like this? Should I tell Song Yan that I once secretly liked him and put a period on it this way, or should I just let it end like this?
I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep.
Holidays always go by very quickly, and before you know it you have to go to school the next day.
On the last day of the holiday, I went to see Xu Minyou. I wrapped myself up tightly and walked onto the rooftop. I was outside the window and he was inside. I asked him, "Xu Minyou, have you made up your mind?"
Xu Minyou seemed to be still wavering. He said, "Nanxi, please forgive me for being a coward who only dares to hide here."
He has given me the answer, although it is not the answer I had hoped for.
But I can’t even organize my own affairs, how can I organize other people’s affairs?
After saying goodbye to Xu Minyou, I boarded the train back to school. The train headed south, and I felt that the weather was getting warmer and warmer. In another month, the magnolias in the school would be in bloom.
I have never seen what a field of magnolia flowers looks like when they bloom.
I looked at the face reflected in the car window. It was really an inconspicuous face. I used to care about it, but now I don't care anymore. Because people who can see you can still recognize you at a glance even if you are drowned in a sea of ​​people. People who can't see you will not stay on you even if you are the only one left in the world.
When I got to the dormitory, Guo Jiani was the first to arrive. She seemed a little surprised to see me, but she still snorted coldly as a greeting. I didn't want to talk to her, so I went in to pack my things.