DIARY Nine Although I have made up my mind 2
Finally, I gave up this boring game, stared at him, and yelled hysterically: "What do you want to do? Do you want to laugh at me?"
"Are you crying?" Yuan Cheye looked at my red eyes in surprise and stretched out his hand as if to wipe my tears.
"I'm deaf!" I answered the question irrelevantly and my nose felt very sore.
"why cry?"
"Are you laughing at me?"
"Why are you sulking like a child?"
"I'm deaf, laugh if you want, asshole!"
"Hey, even the way they quarrel is like that of children, haha."
"Yuan Cheye! I'm not a child!"
"Then why are you crying?"
“It’s obviously rain!”
sweat……
What the hell? I actually had such a childish conversation with him! And, is there anyone who comforts people like ? It's totally irrelevant.
Seeing that my expression was no longer so stiff, Yuan Cheye took the opportunity to start showing his courtesy: "Your face is so dirty, come, let me clean it for you."
"I don't……"
I was forced to stop talking halfway because Yuan Cheye didn't even give me a chance to refuse. He just took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped my face without any gentleness.
“Mmmmm…it hurts…” I roared in dissatisfaction.
Doesn't this guy know how to write the words "pity the fair women"? He's so strong, as if he has a grudge against my face.
"Okay, it's as clean as the sky."
After wiping it around, he looked it up and down and finally nodded with satisfaction.
What are you comparing? Are you comparing my face to the sky? Are there birds and clouds on my face? God, am I really too stupid? Otherwise, why can't I always keep up with his thinking?
"Were you trying to smooth my face just now?" I touched my still hot cheek and glared at him in dissatisfaction.
"It's good to smooth it out."
"Great? It's going to be ugly."
"Well, if you're ugly, no one will want you."
"You have a wicked heart!"
"No one wants you, so I have to stay with you forever reluctantly out of guilt."
“……” I opened my mouth and didn’t close it for a long time.
My heart was trembling uncontrollably, and I didn't dare look at Yuan Cheye's eyes at that moment, because I was afraid of seeing the teasing in them, so I would rather not look at it.
But I still saw it. When I raised my head, I just saw the last trace of tenderness in Yuan Cheye's eyes. They didn't stay for long and disappeared in an instant.
"Yuan Cheye, how do you know that my ears are sick?" After a while, I whispered.
"Oh, because I'm smart enough." He laughed.
"Can you be serious? I'm asking you!" I looked at him, gritting my teeth and clenching my fists.
He hesitated for a moment, and seemed to sense that I might be really angry, so he told me the truth: "I actually had my suspicions before... I ran into you in the hospital yesterday, so I went to check it out."
"Before?" I thought about it. When have I ever exposed my flaws before? But then I thought about it again. He actually checked my medical records. I started to get angry. "Hey, who allowed you to check? You are violating my privacy!"
"Why do you seem to not want others to know that you have an ear disease?" Yuan Cheye looked at me in confusion, not taking my anger to heart at all.
“……” I didn’t answer out of spite.
"It's actually good to let your classmates and teachers know. Wouldn't that make them misunderstand you? If they knew your true situation, they would take care of you and help you. Just like today, you don't have to be punished..."
"That's enough!" I interrupted him abruptly. "You are not me, how can you understand my feelings? I don't want to receive any special care, and I don't want to be a special person. I don't want, I don't want, I don't want!"
“……” Yuan Cheye stood there in confusion, stunned by my sudden loss of control.
"That..." I calmed down my turbulent emotions. I also felt that I had gone too far by yelling hysterically at him just now. I couldn't help but blush and defended myself, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at you. I just..."
"Just what?" Yuan Cheye looked at me with unprecedented consideration and sincerity in his eyes, encouraging me to continue.
"I just don't want to lose friends by being special. Do you understand?" I finally struggled to say it, "If everyone knew that I have a problem with my ears, they would have to deliberately tolerate me and take care of me. In this way, it would be difficult for me to make real friends."
"Really?" Yuan Cheye's tone suddenly became a little strange, "It's better to be special and taken care of than to be ignored all the time..."
As he said this, a layer of lonely mist covered his handsome face, making it difficult for me to see clearly.
"How could it be?" I argued excitedly, "Let me tell you a story! There was a little girl who was treated as an alien by others because of her hearing disease. She was often bullied and ridiculed. After going to school, everyone around her knew that she had an hearing disease, so they no longer isolated her and often gave her special care that ordinary people did not have. But she knew that they were actually tired of carefully protecting her emotions and feelings. She gradually lost the opportunity to truly interact with others, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not get true friendship and care. She became even more lonely..."
After letting out the depression that had been weighing on my heart as a breath, I suddenly felt a lot lighter.
"Haha, is this hard to understand..." I looked at Yuan Cheye who was lowering his head as if he was thinking seriously.
"No, let me tell you a story too." Yuan Cheye raised his head and showed me a somewhat bleak smile, "Do you want to listen?"
"Yeah." I nodded. I had a hunch that this story must be very important to him, so I pricked up my ears and listened carefully.
"There was a little boy. His father and mother divorced when he was very young. He could go to his mother's house and his father's house alternately. But for the boy, it was not that one home became two, but that one home became zero. He could no longer listen to his mother's stories, and his father never took him to the amusement park again. He felt that his father and mother had become so strange, and no one was willing to care about him. He became an ignored and redundant person..."
As Yuan Cheye spoke, his golden hair turned dull.
I vaguely recalled the night when Yuan Cheye rode his motorcycle to take me to the mountainside to see the night view of the city...
"Although I have two homes, the lights are off in both."
And the second time I went to his house...
"I've always been alone anyway, what's there to take care of? Even if I died, you wouldn't care, right?"
At that time, the look on his face was as lonely as it is now.
So, he, like me, had been silently enduring a kind of unspeakable loneliness. He caused trouble in school, causing the teacher to threaten to call his parents to school, in fact, he also wanted to attract his parents' attention...
"Yuan Cheye, the boy in the story is actually you, right?"
"So that little girl you just mentioned, is that you?"
"No. Haha..."
"Haha, then I am not..."
After the mystery was solved, we all smiled at each other.
The sound of the dripping rain seemed to become the most beautiful interlude.
"Haha, according to what you said, being treated as a special person and taken care of is a very good thing?"
"Of course. At least it means you won't be forgotten..."
"Then... Yuan Cheye, am I a special person to you?" I suddenly spoke impulsively, and then looked at him nervously with expectant eyes.
Yuan Cheye was a little stunned at first, his expression froze for a moment, and then he began to smile again, with a kind of tenderness that could not be concealed in his smile.
He was about to speak slowly, but——
damn it!
I covered my ears in pain, and at this critical moment, my ears suddenly began to hum like a bellows. The loud roar made me dizzy and almost vomited...
My stomach was churning violently, and I quickly took a step back and held onto the pillar of the pavilion, cold sweat pouring out of my forehead.
Yuan Cheye, who was standing next to me, immediately came over and supported me nervously. He seemed to be saying something, but I couldn't hear it at all.
“Hmm…Hmm.”
I couldn't speak, my throat felt bitter and sour, as if I was about to vomit my heart out, it was extremely uncomfortable. My tears began to drip out uncontrollably, and my head was dizzy. I felt like I would collapse at any moment and never wake up again...
Yuan Cheye looked around anxiously. My tears and swaying body seemed to scare him. He suddenly bent down, and I felt my body lighten. He picked me up. Then he rushed out of the pavilion and ran out of the campus.
While running, he lowered his head and said something to me again. Although I couldn't hear it, from his worried and concerned eyes, I guessed that he probably wanted to take me to the hospital.
My heart was filled with sweet emotions. In his embrace, breathing in the sweet scent of roses, I raised the corners of my mouth, closed my eyes peacefully, and fell into a deep sleep...
My consciousness gradually returned, and my nostrils were filled with the strong smell of disinfectant. I knew that Yuan Cheye had taken me to the hospital safely.
Just as I was about to open my eyes, I vaguely heard someone talking outside. It seemed that the medicine injected into my body temporarily controlled my condition, and the roaring sound in my ears was gone.
I pricked up my ears and listened to the conversation outside the room intermittently...
"Her ear disease has seriously worsened. Symptoms that used to be triggered by stress now occur very frequently. Just like the nausea, retching, and tinnitus that occurred today, these are all very bad phenomena. In the end, the patient is likely to lose her hearing forever..."
“Is there any way to treat it?”
"This disease is difficult to cure completely, but recently Dr. Helen, an internationally renowned ear specialist, came to our hospital. She expressed great interest in Ye Xiya's condition. If the patient and her family agree, the hospital can ask Dr. Helen to perform an operation on her..."
"So, what are the chances of success?"
"This is our biggest concern at the moment. The chance of success of the surgery is only 50%, and if it fails, the patient will be deaf for life."
…
deterioration?
Deaf for life?
These extremely cruel words are like sharp teeth gnawing at my heart. Is the thing that I fear and worry about the most going to become a reality so soon?
Then, I won’t be able to hear my father talking, Chen talking, or Yuan Cheye talking… I closed my eyes helplessly, trying not to let the tears burst out…
Squeak——
The door opened softly and someone came in.
The footsteps slowly approached and stopped in front of my bed. A gentle hand gently touched my forehead, and the scent of roses filled my nostrils...
I opened my eyes suddenly and saw Yuan Cheye's face close to me. He seemed startled by me.
"Ah! When did you wake up?" He looked at my pale face and asked nervously.
"I want to go home."
I said this while biting my lip, then suddenly sat up from the bed, but couldn't find my shoes.
"Oh, can you hear me? The doctor said you need to be hospitalized for observation for a while." Yuan Cheye tried to dissuade me, "Just lie down and I'll call to ask for leave for you."
"I want to go home!"
"But……"
"I want to go home!"
I raised my head and looked into his eyes seriously.
I don't want to stay here. My ear disease is just a temporary ailment. It's impossible for me to be permanently deaf. That doctor is just exaggerating! I told myself.
Because only in this way can I control myself from crying in front of Yuan Cheye.
"Idiot, you want to go home? Then I'll take you home. Why do you look so serious? It's so scary. Come on, smile for me, and I'll take you home!" Yuan Cheye suddenly laughed, and it was obvious that he was trying his best to liven up the atmosphere.
"I'm not a puppy, so I have to do whatever you tell me to do. I don't want to." As he was talking, Yuan Cheye found my shoes from under the cabinet. I was about to jump out of bed and put them on, but he reached out and held my shoulders to stop me from moving, then squatted down in front of me naturally.
I was stunned.
"Yuan Cheye, what are you doing?"
"I'm putting on your shoes!" He answered without looking up. His dazzling golden hair exuded a gentle luster, and his slender bent back cast a gentle dark shadow under the light.
"Why... do you have to put shoes on me?" I asked with a trembling voice.
"Idiot! Do I need a reason to put shoes on you?" I felt his hands pinching my ankles and he gently helped me put on my shoes.
The skin burned intensely where his fingers touched.
My will began to waver... Yuan Cheye, how could you do this? Every time I was off guard, you took a step forward and rushed into my heart without hesitation. In this way, how could you give me the courage to make the decision to give up on you?
I suppressed my inner throbbing and thought of the question he hadn't had time to answer in the pavilion on campus -
"Yuan Cheye...you haven't answered my question this morning."
"What's the problem?" He stood up after helping me put on my shoes and asked me in a puzzled tone.
"That's it...that's it, am I a special person to you?"
I stood in front of him, looking up at him, my heart beating restlessly. His face was as vivid as a sculpture in the sunlight, and his clear and bright eyes easily moved my heart.
"Are you eager to know?" He smiled and looked at me intently. The heat in his eyes suffocated me, and they were filled with complex emotions that I could not understand.
Time seemed to freeze at this moment, and the atmosphere in the room was ambiguous...
Bang——
The door was suddenly pushed open by an anxious hand, and Chen's figure appeared at the door: "Xia!"
"Chen? Why are you here?" I calmed down and showed a surprised expression.
"I was the one who notified them." Yuan Cheye answered my questions.
"Xia, how are you? Are you okay?" Chen looked at me with concern.
I shook my head. “I’m just getting ready to go home.”
"What did the doctor say?" Chen turned to ask Yuan Cheye for his opinion. Yuan Cheye looked at my determined eyes, nodded helplessly, and motioned Chen to take me back.
"Okay. Let's go home first." Chen gently took my hand.
"Wait a minute." I broke free from Chen's hand, ran closer to Yuan Cheye, and asked in a low voice, "What is the answer to that question?"
Yuan Cheye was stunned for a moment, opened his mouth, looked at Chen who was looking puzzled, and remained silent without answering.
"You can take your time to think about it. Tell me when you've thought it through. I'll wait." After saying this, I took Chen's hand and walked out of the ward without looking back.
I will wait, but I don't know how long I can wait...
Before the day comes when my ears become completely deaf, Yuan Cheye, I want to hear your answer.
I stayed at home for the next few days. Although the final exam was approaching, I didn't want to go to school, so my father had to ask for a long vacation for me.
"Xia, you don't have to worry about the money. Dad has saved enough over the years." Dad advised me to go to the hospital for another check-up, hoping to determine the surgical plan as soon as possible.
I hesitated and didn't answer.
"So, is Shia afraid of pain?"
I nodded and shook my head.
My father probably doesn't understand my feelings. Fear is only a small part of the reason why I don't want to undergo surgery. Perhaps what I lack is some kind of inner courage, the direct motivation that prompts me to bravely undergo surgery...
My hearing was sometimes good and sometimes bad, sometimes I could hear, sometimes I couldn't. When I realized that I was about to get sick, I would quickly lock myself in my room and pretend to study to deceive my father and Chen.
I kept smiling in front of them, not wanting to worry them, but the constant tinnitus made my appetite very bad.
When I was alone in front of the mirror, I shouted countless times: "Xia, Xia must be fine, the doctor is just scaring you! Don't worry. You will be fine soon!"
But I know how pale and powerless my words are, and how scared I am inside.
I am so afraid that there will be no more voices in my world. I am even more afraid that I will become a burden to my father for the rest of my life.
Chen Yi would come to see me whenever he had time. In order to help me develop an appetite, he studied a medical recipe book for a long time and tried to cook different dishes every day. Dad also turned down a lot of work and tried to make time to eat and walk with me...
But the more this happiness is within reach, the more uneasy and elusive it makes me feel.
