DIARY Eighteen I've read your heart 2
Tuesday, May 24
If I pretend to forget the agreement with the idiot and ride a motorcycle to school, will the idiot be angry?
If I come to school on a motorcycle and give other girls a ride, will the idiot be mad?
If I pick up other girls and ask the idiot to help me choose, will the idiot be angry?
The answer is, idiots will be angry, very angry, very angry!
But she still likes me...
and I?
I am also very angry, very angry and very angry!
I was angry that I couldn't stand her giving up on me, and I kept trying to confirm her love for me;
I was even more angry that I couldn't bear her happiness, but I wanted to tie her down by being friends...
I'm afraid she'll leave...
…
Friday, June 17
I originally agreed to attend the social gathering because I was bored, but I didn't expect that idiot would insist on coming along.
Just because she followed me, I beat someone up for the first time in my life.
That jerk named Shan Qing actually dared to touch the idiot. I didn't bother to warn him and just greeted him with my fist. It took me less than five minutes to deal with this bastard. He probably won't be able to show up at any social gatherings for a month.
I had a little stain on my face, and the idiot almost found it. I lied and said it was a "bad quality lipstick mark", and the idiot actually believed it. Haha, she seems to have never doubted me.
But she always misunderstands me.
When it was her turn to name someone to kiss, she clearly pointed at me, but then changed her mind and raised her glass.
This idiot! I impulsively stepped forward and held her down, blurting out: "You've already made your choice, don't regret it! Idiot!"
But the idiot didn't react at all and just stared at me blankly.
Then I calmed down and decided to take her away.
Such an ambiguous place is not suitable for a simple fool, nor for a heartless me...
I couldn't keep running away from the fact that I was in love with an idiot.
When that guy named Gu Haochen came to take the idiot home, I looked at their backs as they left and suddenly felt very sad.
I caught the firefly, but I couldn't catch my own happiness.
Saturday, June 18
Because my sleepiness and sudden blurriness worsened, I finally went to the hospital for a check-up.
Seeing that the patients in the hospital were accompanied by their relatives and friends, while I was alone, I felt very bad. Even if I told my father about my illness, he would just tell me to "take care of my own affairs". I couldn't go to my mother either, because that would only cause trouble to her new family.
In fact, I have never understood why, when one home becomes two homes, I can no longer feel the warmth and attention. Am I not their child?
After thinking about it, I realized that only a fool would be willing to come with me, but I didn't want her to know.
When I told the doctor about my physical symptoms, I vaguely guessed from the doctor's increasingly serious expression that my illness might be serious. The doctor gave me some test orders and made an appointment with me for a more detailed physical examination next week.
When I left the clinic, I vaguely heard the doctor say to the intern beside him with a hint of regret: "Yes, it could be what you said... Well, that's the worst case scenario... But the diagnosis still needs to be determined based on the results of his next examination... I hope it's not the case, otherwise it would be a pity, he's still so young..."
The worst case scenario... Haha, I can almost guess it. Anyway, the worst case scenario is death. I wonder if my parents will take the time to come and see me when I am about to die. I came to the empty room where I met the idiot last time and sat on the windowsill in a daze.
And the fool... What would happen if she knew I was dying? Would she cry? Just as I was thinking about it, the fool came in and cried loudly at the door.
She wouldn't tell me why she was crying. I wanted to frighten her into telling me, but then I couldn't help kissing her.
When I kissed her, I was very clear, almost hopelessly clear.
Then, I wanted to run away. But the idiot said that she would follow me and accompany me wherever I went.
Once upon a time, I longed for someone to say such words to me.
But now that the idiot has said it, why do I feel an unprecedented fear? I am afraid of my illness, afraid that I will die, afraid that I can't give her happiness...
I'm afraid that I like her...
Forgive me, idiot...
Monday, June 20
An ant married an elephant. How would the ant feel after the elephant died?
Answer: He was very worried that the rest of his life would be wasted burying elephants.
It's a joke, but it makes me panic.
If I become the elephant in the fool's heart, then when I die one day, will she also spend her entire life burying this feeling? Perhaps, her life will also be ruined along with it...
But I was never able to firmly reject her, and even when teachers and classmates misunderstood her, I told them that she had an ear disease in order to protect her.
This was a secret she had been hiding for a long time. Although I had suspected it before, I only confirmed it yesterday. I wanted to know why she was hiding and crying, and I wanted to know why she was in the hospital, so I went to check it out, but I didn't expect that she would have this disease.
The reason she concealed her ear disease was that she was afraid of attracting attention. What about me?
I have always longed for more attention, but when a fool is really willing to care about me, I want to push her away and hope that she will never invest her feelings in me again...
The poor, conflicted guy didn't even have the courage to tell her, "You are the most special person in my heart."
I'm really useless...
Saturday, July 9
The condition of the fool has worsened, and the doctor suggested that she undergo surgery, but she has always refused. I want to persuade her, but I am afraid that she will ask for the answer to that question.
During this period, I frequently went in and out of the hospital. I was in a bad mood and was too lazy to do anything, including writing a diary... But I guess I won't be able to write for much longer... After a series of examinations, my disease was finally confirmed, and it was the worst case...
The doctor said that if I can control the disease well, I can live a little longer, but what's the use? It's not enough to accompany the idiot to the end...
By chance, I saw Sakura, the little girl who played with Baka when I first met Baka. Sakura, who was critically ill, was still thinking about her rainbow marshmallow.
I took Idiot to the hospital to see Sakura, but I didn't expect it would be the last time we saw each other.
Sakura's departure seemed to have hit me hard. Her depression scared me. When I die, will she also refuse to get over the sadness?
In order to encourage Silly to muster up the courage to undergo the surgery, I made her a meal of glutinous rice balls.
Once, she also made me a meal of glutinous rice balls, adding strawberry juice to the glutinous rice balls, the same way as my mother's. That meal of glutinous rice balls made me feel warm, but I told her that her glutinous rice balls were missing something.
I made up for that only shortcoming with this meal of dumplings.
The first glutinous rice dumpling that Silly Girl ate was filled with mung bean. In fact, she didn’t know that the whole bowl of glutinous rice dumplings was filled with mung bean. It was because I wanted her to feel the courage that I passed on to her.
Afterwards, I changed the bowl on the pretext that the glutinous rice balls were cold. When she ate the red beans, I thought of my mother.
Mom always makes red bean-filled dumplings for Dad, but Dad never understands.
Now I am making this bowl of red bean-filled glutinous rice balls for you idiot, do you understand?
She must not know that when she asked me the question "Is she a special person in my heart?", I have been trying hard to forget that I am sick, and then I will seriously pamper this idiot and live happily with her for the rest of my life...
But it’s impossible… How can the memory of a disease be erased so obediently…
So I still couldn't give her an answer.
I can only escape until the day comes when I can no longer escape.
…
Thursday, August 11
Today is the day that Silly is discharged from the hospital, and I took her to see the Lantern Festival.
She must not know that I have been planning this day for a long time. I bought her many, many birthday gifts, gifts for ten years... If I could, I really want to buy a hundred of them, so that she can remember me a hundred years after I die. But I can't be so greedy, if I die, I hope she will still be happy...
When we parted, I couldn't help but hug her.
I said to her: "I like you, I like you very much!"
I kept talking and talking, but it was only in my heart and she couldn't hear me.
I can't let her hear it.
When I left, I didn't look back because my tears had already drowned me.
Friday, August 12
I did something cruel. This was just like taking the fool to see the Lantern Festival yesterday. I had planned it for a long time.
I have to do this because my condition is getting worse. My vision is often blurred and sometimes I even fall asleep suddenly... I am really afraid that one day I will fall asleep and never wake up again.
I didn't want to make the idiot sad, so I decided to leave here.
My father agreed to my decision without asking any questions, just like he agreed to my transfer to another school. He only knew to give me money, but he didn't know that I would die soon.
I don't expect him or my mother to care about me anyway. I only care about idiots.
The way I leave is the most troublesome thing for me. I think of the night when we caught fireflies. The fool wondered if I had a failed relationship before, which made me reject love now. She thought that was my "secret".
Then let her think so. At least it seems reasonable and won't arouse her suspicion.
I made an appointment with the girl Jiang Shangxue, whom I met by chance, and asked her to play my girlfriend. Then I made an appointment with the fool and told her that Jiang Shangxue was my "secret" that she had always wanted to know.
The fool was very sad, but I ordered myself to be ruthless and finish the show.
Last night, the fool told me that I had become her air, and that without me by her side, she would gradually feel like she couldn't breathe...
This is what I fear most.
Stupid, you have to get used to life without me. Because I...can't be your air, although I really want to...
It turns out that idiots are also writing exchange diaries. Haha, we are really alike, two fools...
But I didn't stay and wait for her to bring the diary, because I was afraid that I would not be able to control myself and stay... I should leave here and then try to persuade her to forget me, anyway, I'll leave first...
Sorry, I ran away again...
Now, I am alone at the long-distance bus station waiting for the bus. Fortunately, I still have this diary with me, just like the fool is still with me...
Xia, if possible... in my next life, I will pray to God not to let me get sick, and to let me be well. Even if I am a little disabled, or not good-looking, it's okay, as long as I can meet you. I will definitely chase you, pamper you, and make you happy for the rest of your life...
because I love you!
