DIARY Eighteen I've read your heart 3

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The diary ends here.

My fingers gently stroked the clear and wild handwriting on it, and the tears that had dried up burst out again.

Yuan Cheye...you are a fool...you are a big fool!

Why don't you tell me the truth?

Why should we endure all this in silence?

Don't you understand? Even if you only have one day left, I want to be with you...

Because I love you so much too!

But now... it's too late...

In my ears, the sound of the saxophone was like weeping and telling stories, and the light and shadows in the coffee cup were shaking. I raised my eyes that had lost focus, and for a long time I couldn't see clearly the sad eyes of Xu Yi opposite me.

"Xia, I really want to replace Yuan Cheye and become your air."

"I'm sorry..." I said these three words eagerly, and then fell into awkward silence.

I'm sorry, Xu Yi, I'm very grateful that you let me know all this, but I can only give you such a pale and powerless response. I missed a relationship in a slow manner, and now all I can think of is Che Ye...

"Haha, Xiaya, you don't have to be embarrassed. Can you promise me one thing?" Xu Yi smiled and hid all the bitterness in his eyes.

"What?"

"Don't ever say sorry to me."

“…”

"I'll buy you some marshmallows." Xu Yi stood up and strode out of the restaurant.

His back was trying hard to hide his loneliness and frustration, as if he was afraid of being discovered by me.

I was immersed in my own world and didn't react.

I closed Cheye's diary silently, my eyes fixed on the cover for a long time, unable to move away...

On the cover of the diary, the girl stretched out her hand to the silent boy, and white angel feathers were falling from the sky, one by one, beautiful and sad.

I always thought that I was the girl on the cover who reached out to Cheye, but I never noticed the unspoken feelings behind Cheye's sad and silent figure...

I am too stupid. I have never understood Cheye’s heart.

If I could understand Cheye's feelings earlier...

If I wasn't so slow, if I had firmly tried to keep Cheye on the day he left...

So, will everything change afterwards?

But there is no "if" in the world.

My clumsiness destined me to lose the most important person in my life.

My slowness doomed my love to be full of regrets...

squeak--

boom--

Suddenly, there was a terrifying sound of a car braking and crashing outside the window.

I woke up from my chaotic thoughts, looked up suddenly, and found that the seat opposite Xu Yi was empty!

"I'll go buy you some marshmallows."

This moment flashed through my mind, like a shaking, out-of-focus camera, sometimes left, sometimes right, sometimes advancing, sometimes zooming out, and finally freezing on Xu Yi's lonely back as he walked away...

So blurry, as if it would be erased at any time and cease to exist...

I stood up suddenly, grabbed the diary on the table with trembling fingers, and rushed out desperately.

Outside the door, the pale sunlight pierced straight into my eyes, and it hurt so much that I was about to cry.

The surroundings seemed to have suddenly lost all sound, and the world was even quieter than when the ear disease attacked before, with only the sound of heartbeats remaining.

One sound after another.

thumping.

Beating.

It seems to come from another world...

The fingertips suddenly lost strength, and the diary drew a vertical trajectory in the air and fell on the smooth marble floor.

A gust of wind blew, and the pages of paper flipped lightly, making a rustling sound.

After a few blank pages, another type of handwriting appeared in the second half of the diary.

That was Xu Yi's handwriting...

The first day I met Xia——

Thursday, September 1

Before I met the girl who was constantly called "idiot" in this diary, I was just planning to give this diary to her on behalf of Yuan Cheye.

The car accident half a month ago caused me to lose a friend I had just met, Yuan Cheye, who got along very well with me. We talked about many things in the car, but the one we talked about the most was the girl he liked, who was confused, bright, and aggressive...

He planned to go back and give her the diary, but on the way, the car we were riding in collided with another car and had a serious car accident. Yuan Cheye pushed me out of the car immediately. I turned around and tried to pull him out, but I only pulled out his backpack. He asked me to give the diary to the girl named "Ye Xiya". In the end, he left this world with regrets...

During the days of hospitalization, I read this diary. I admit that I became curious about the girl named "Ye Xiya". I could even imagine her cute look when Yuan Cheye was so angry that she was speechless.

So I went to Yifeng High School to find her, and happened to see her being punished by holding up a white cardboard.

Haha, she is so cute. She thought I was here to give her a love letter.

But maybe this is really a love letter, recording another boy's deep feelings for her.

Later, she stared at my smile and said that I looked like someone she knew. I suddenly had a hunch that the person she was talking about was Yuan Cheye. Looking at the trance in her eyes, I knew she was looking for the shadow of another person in me. She must like Yuan Cheye very much. Even though he left, he has always lived in her heart and never left.

After realizing this, the hand that was originally taking out the diary from the bag hesitated. Although he followed her all the time, he was still hesitant about whether to give her the diary.

I didn't expect that she would offer to treat me to snacks. She had just been crying so hard, but she acted like a child when eating the snacks.

I understand why Yuan Cheye likes this girl so much, because she has this kind of magic that makes people want to protect her and love her. So I rashly confessed to her.

As expected, she was not mentally prepared at all and fled.

At that moment, I felt an urge to continue writing this diary.

The 9th day of knowing Xia——

Friday, September 9

Although she ran away in a panic, I still went to find her later.

I waited for the bus she took to school, pretending to run into her by chance. But I didn't know that "running into her by chance" was so difficult. Whenever a bus came, I jumped on it to look for her. If she wasn't there, I would jump off again.

A lot of suspicious and mocking looks were cast at me, but I didn't want to pay attention to them.

I finally waited for the bus that had her. She sat by the window, her face showing a lonely expression, which easily touched my heart. Sitting next to her, I felt so excited, and I found that I really liked her...

So quickly.

It caught me off guard.

So in order to have more opportunities to get close to her, I used the clumsy method of asking her to pay off my debts and dragged her to eat at roadside food stalls, so that we could spend more days together. Although I never eat roadside food, and once vomited for a long time because of eating roadside food, I endured it in order to prevent her from seeing the flaws.

When we had dinner together for the last time, I didn't take the bus, but ran to her side, faster than the bus. I thought that when she was sad in the future, I must be by her side as soon as possible, and not let her wait.

Since I met her, my behavior has always been out of control. Haha, is this the power of love?

I expressed my feelings to her again, but that made her angry and she said we should not meet again.

My heart aches, but I believe that one day she will know the weight of every "like" I say.

It is so deep and so heavy.

The 14th day after meeting Xia——

Wednesday, September 14

I formed a small band with a few friends. This has been my dream for a long time, but I didn't dare to realize it until I encountered that car accident...

The car accident made me realize that I should be brave enough to try for the things I desire. Just like if I like someone, I must let her know, otherwise I will regret it.

Even if she thinks that love that is easily expressed is definitely not love; even if she doesn't believe that a person who has only known her for a few days would like her so much, I will still say "I like" to her, over and over again, because love is love.

I didn't expect her to come to the orchestra rehearsal today. I happily told myself that she came because of me.

I hope she can understand my songs, then I will be very happy and satisfied.

After the rehearsal, I met her classmates. I could see that she needed a lot of friendship, so I gave her classmates gifts, hoping that they would see her cuteness.

Seeing her happy, I know I did the right thing. I want her to be happy and surrounded by many, many friends, but love... I don't know how much of her heart I can occupy...

…

The 52nd day of knowing Xia——

Saturday, October 22

Today, she looked at the award-winning painting and talked to me about Yuan Cheye and their past. She seemed to still be complaining about the cruel words Yuan Cheye said to her on the day he left. I really wanted to tell her the truth about that incident, but I lost my courage when the words came to my lips.

Then she said she was glad to hear me sing, which made me ecstatic! Does this mean that one day I will be able to enter her heart?

But there is one thing that bothers me a lot. She said that she had been in contact with Yuan Cheye, but the Yuan Cheye I knew had already died in that car accident.

She seemed unaware of the fact that Yuan Cheye had left this world. I vaguely felt this from the first time I saw her.

I don't know who is keeping this white lie, but I am very grateful to him. Maybe he has the same idea as me, and neither of us wants her world to be buried by sadness, so he would rather coax her and let her know nothing.

On the way back, we passed the flower bed where she and Yuan Cheye had been. Looking at the footprints on the cement ground, she suddenly cried and said it was a prophecy.

Maybe that was a prophecy, because Yuan Cheye really never came back. Or maybe he wanted to return, but fate didn't allow him to.

I hugged her and told her I wanted to take care of her, but she asked if we could just be friends.

I really can't accept it. The word "friend" is a meaningless word to me who loves her deeply.

But I still agreed, I couldn't refuse such a kind girl.

I am willing to wait forever because I like her so much.

…

The 121st day of knowing Xia——

Friday, December 30

Winter soon came and she smiled more often, but what about her heart?

Today, I skipped the band rehearsal and wanted to go shopping with her. With a little greed, I asked her if I was a special person to her, but she ran away again.

What was worse was that I was caught by the band members and couldn't continue shopping with her. I mouthed "sorry" to her, but I don't know if she understood.

I called her at night and she said she wanted to introduce someone to me. I was very happy. I met Gu Haochen, he is a very good person. No wonder Yuan Cheye was annoyed with him, because he and Xiya were so close that it made people jealous.

But then something unexpected happened. Gu Haochen concealed the fact that Yuan Cheye had gone to another world from her, and she found out that he continued to use Yuan Cheye's phone to keep in touch with her.

She couldn't accept that. She broke down.

She ran home and opened all the windows in the room to let the cold wind in. Even though her face was pale from the cold, she still stubbornly refused to let me close the window.

She makes me despair.

It turns out that in her heart, Yuan Cheye had never left.

He is the air she breathes, irreplaceable.

The 125th day of knowing Xia——

Tuesday, January 3

These days, she had a high fever and was in the hospital, feeling depressed. I couldn't sleep all night, until this morning when I finally made up my mind to write this last diary and then hand it to her in its entirety.

I know the reason she was depressed was that she thought she was the one who "caused Yuan Cheye to disappear into thin air", but this diary will tell her that the facts are not what she thought.

She will also know that the boy she loves deeply also loves her deeply. Although he has never said it out loud, the love always exists.

But after this, there will be no hope for me, right?

But there are no regrets.

Because I have expressed my feelings to her.

I say "I like" to her again and again, and smile for her again and again, even if I don't get the response I want, that is still my truest feeling.

I conveyed them all to her.

nothing left.

I often wonder, can the love in the world really be calculated in multiples?

if it is possible……

Then why can't I give double the love to the one I love double the happiness?

Are illness and death also replaceable?

if it is possible……