DIARY Eighteen I've read your heart 1
Tuesday, January 3, sunny
fine,
I have read your heart now.
I understand your heart...
I will always love you,
Even if you're gone,
I will still be the same as before,
Keep you in my heart.
Because as long as you exist in my heart,
I can hold it in my arms.
After being hit by the cold wind that day, I was admitted to the hospital with a cold.
The fever continued and I fell into a deep sleep. Sometimes I even wanted to disappoint my father, Chen, and Xu Yi and just keep sleeping like this and never wake up again...
Today is the fifth day of my hospitalization and it is also a rare sunny day in winter. My condition has finally improved a little, so I decided to go for a walk outside the ward.
I opened the door and ran into Xu Yi who came to visit me. He looked exhausted, but when he saw me, he smiled: "Xia, are you feeling better?"
"Yeah." I nodded, walked around him and continued walking out.
"Xia, it's cold outside, stay in the ward and don't go out." Xu Yi tried to hold me back, but I gently pushed him away and lowered my head: "No! I want to go outside to breathe some air, otherwise I'll suffocate."
Then he walked out without looking back.
The warm winter sun shines obliquely on my body, but that warm feeling seems so far away for me...
I wandered aimlessly across the grass and through the busy streets, breathing deeply every breath of air.
Cheye, do you know that every time I breathe, I feel that you have not left, you are still by my side, following me like a shadow?
"Xu Yi, how long are you going to follow me?" I turned around and glared angrily at the figure behind me who had been following me carefully.
"Haha, Xiaya." Facing my anger, Xu Yi smiled nonchalantly and raised his hand. His sunny smile instantly dispelled the gloom around me. "Are you tired? Are you cold? Shall we go eat? The newly opened western restaurant I said I would take you to last time is nearby. The discount card is still in my pocket, haha."
"You go by yourself. I don't want to go."
I could tell that Xu Yi was trying hard to make me happy, but now even breathing hurts me, so happiness is just an unattainable luxury for me.
"Go, go." Xu Yi ran over to me like a child, hugged my arm, and coaxed and dragged me into a western restaurant.
I was dragged by Xu Yi to sit at a table by the window, and I still felt a little unhappy. Xu Yi sat opposite me, holding the menu and talking to the waiter, looking up from time to time to ask for my opinion. And every time he looked up, there was always a smile on his face that seemed to never disappear.
"Why do you keep grinning at me?"
"Because I want Xiaya to fall in love with my smile." After placing the order, Xu Yi turned around and said to me casually.
"Then please put it away. There is no way I can fall in love with it."
Please forgive my cruel words, Xu Yi, you should know that I have sunk into Che Ye's smile, and perhaps I will never be able to get out of it in this lifetime.
"I believe that as long as I persist, Xia will one day..."
"That day will never come!" I got angry for no apparent reason and stood up from the sofa. "I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood to joke with you right now. I'm leaving now."
"Xia!" Xu Yi grabbed my hand anxiously, his smile froze on his face, and his eyes looking at me were filled with unprecedented anxiety. My heart softened and my steps stopped involuntarily.
For a long time, we all remained in this still posture, and no one moved.
Xu Yi seemed to want to say something. He moved his mouth but could not utter a single sound. Time passed slowly. Finally, he turned his head away and whispered, "I keep laughing because...if I stop, I might be defeated by depression, which is lame..."
My heart trembled violently, but my face remained calm and indifferent. Xu Yi, I am actually the same as you. If I don't have this hard shell of pretending, I will be completely crushed by the fact that Cheye has left forever.
I let Xu Yi hold my hand tightly and sat down again in silence.
Xu Yi calmed down his emotions and put a smile back on his face, but the smile was no longer as bright as before.
"Xia, I actually want to give you something today."
He let go of my hand, took something out of the bag he was carrying, put it on the table, and then slowly pushed it in front of me.
This is--
I was so surprised that my pupils instantly dilated several times, and I covered my mouth tightly with my hands so that I couldn't make a sound.
This is a very ordinary-looking diary, with the corners slightly worn out from frequent use. The sky on the cover is filled with white angel feathers, one by one; a girl reaches out her hand to a silent boy, and time stops at that moment. The air seems to be filled with the unspeakable secrets of the two people, and everything seems to be unspeakable, beautiful and sad.
All of this is too familiar to me, so familiar that warm tears welled up in my eyes.
"This is Yuan Cheye's diary." Xu Yi said calmly.
"Cheye's diary?" I looked up blankly, staring at him in disbelief. "It's impossible. The diary I gave to Cheye, he clearly told me it was lost, how could it appear in your hands? This is impossible."
"It's true, Xiya." Xu Yi looked at me seriously, sadness spreading in his eyes, "This is what Yuan Cheye said he would give you in the text message. What he wants to give you is an exchange diary, not air. If possible, Yuan Cheye doesn't want to become air like this, even though he really wants to stay by your side like air."
"Xu Yi..."
"Don't interrupt me, Xiaya, let me finish." Xu Yi stopped me in a hurry. He was very excited, and his fingers clasped on the glass were shaking slightly, but he still insisted on speaking, "I thought I could keep it a secret forever, but I didn't expect this day to come. Before handing this diary to you, even if you rejected me again and again, I could still deceive myself and persevere, but after this, maybe I really won't have any chance. However, if this can make you know everything and cheer up, I will be very satisfied..."
"You mean... Cheye came back just to give me this diary, and that's why..." I didn't have the strength to continue. My fingers paused above the diary, but I didn't dare to touch it.
Cheye, is this really your diary? Is this really the diary you wrote to me for exchange? But when I gave it to you, you clearly refused it! Why did you secretly keep it later and tell me that the diary was lost?
"Xia, you must be wondering why this diary is in my hands, right? That's because that day, Yuan Cheye and I took the same return bus. He stopped the bus halfway and sat in the empty seat next to me. He told me that he had to leave a girl he loved deeply, but he regretted that he had never been able to let the girl know his true feelings. The girl once wanted to write an exchange diary with him, but he refused, but he secretly wrote a big one himself. Until he left, he did not give the diary to the girl, and also avoided accepting the diary that the girl gave him. He told me self-deprecatingly: How can this be called an 'exchange diary'? So he turned back halfway and prepared to take his diary back to exchange with the girl. He excitedly sent a text message to the girl, but before he could send it, the car we were riding in hit an oncoming large truck..."
When Xu Yi said this, he looked at me deeply, and I was already in tears.
That girl...
The girl who exchanged diaries with Yuan Cheye...
The girl that Yuan Cheye loved deeply...
Is it me? Could it be me...
"Yuan Cheye's feelings are all in this diary. Open it, Xiaya." Xu Yi encouraged me, but also blamed himself deeply. "I think Yuan Cheye has been waiting for this moment, waiting for you to see his heart and understand his heart... It's just because I'm too selfish that I've been hiding it from you..."
I couldn’t hear what Xu Yi said next because it was no longer important to me.
I opened the first page of the diary with trembling hands, and was so nervous that my breathing almost stopped.
Cheye, what is your inner world like?
Why is it that even though I love you so much, after you left for so long, I still can’t see…its full picture…
This is the exchange diary that the idiot gave me, so I have to record it well.
Make up for the previous encounters and acquaintances, and record here every memorable moment after I met the fool.
Sunday, May 15
It was an accident, or maybe it was destined that I and the fool met on such an ordinary day.
I transferred to this city because I found something wrong with my body. When I was walking around the hospital to see if I should get checked, I met a girl named Ye Xiya. She was the one who pulled me in but she looked at me in surprise. Her eyes were shining with light, so bright that it seemed to dispel the loneliness in my heart... Hehe. She asked me my name, and I answered: I won't tell you...
So I didn't get checked. I came out of the hospital and saw baby's breath at a flower stand on the street. This is my mother's favorite plant. When I paid for the baby's breath, I turned around and saw her again. She actually knocked over the jewelry stand. Haha, she is such a confused idiot...
When I was almost home, I thought of my empty home and threw the bunch of baby's breath lonely on the roadside.
I know Dad would not like to see...
Monday, May 16
I didn't expect to meet you again so soon.
Although I have been transferred to this school for a few days, I have never attended a class. I hope to get more attention from the two divorced adults in this way, but I never get it.
No one knows that I often stay alone in an empty room, staring at the VCR that I recorded with my mother when I was a child.
I miss my mother all the time.
But what about my mother? She left me without a trace of nostalgia, and probably never missed me...
There was a knock on the door, I opened it, and it was the idiot who showed up. I asked her how she knew my name, and she said I told her, haha, she was lying.
But she is really a very funny girl, especially when she shows her teeth, so I deliberately try to make her angry.
Later, my father came back and saw the VCR on the TV. I knew he was angry, but I deliberately went against him and kept turning on the TV. I wanted to make him angry.
After letting the idiot leave, my father and I remained silent. In the end, he left the house without saying anything.
No, maybe this empty house is not my home at all.
I ran out, but the idiot didn't leave and kept following me. She mistakenly thought that it was her who caused my father to scold me.
In fact, she didn't know.
My father is very cold, he never scolds me, and he never even cares about me. I suddenly felt very sad, so I hugged the fool. Her embrace was warm, and reminded me of my mother's embrace.
Mom, I miss you.
Hate you too.
I decided to go to school because I didn't want to stay at home alone.
Maybe it's because there are guys like Idiot in school, which makes me a little bit excited.
Tuesday, May 17
Idiot is indeed as interesting as I imagined, and going to school is no longer a lonely and boring thing.
In the afternoon, she twisted her ankle while running the 4×100m mixed relay race and fell before reaching the finish line. For some reason, her classmates were very cold to her and she was obviously very sad.
She was deliberately forgotten, just like me.
I walked over and told her that the way she walked with her sprained ankle was as beautiful as a wounded mermaid.
It makes people want to get closer and closer...
Wednesday, May 18
I rode my motorcycle to school on a whim, but I met a limping idiot on the way. She looked like she would definitely be late for class, so I was kind enough to give her a ride to school.
The dean of studies got really mad when he saw me riding a motorcycle to school. Haha, he should have been more excited and informed my parents, then things would have become more interesting.
But I wouldn't let him cause trouble for the idiot, so I took the idiot to a less crowded place and dropped him off. She still seemed very unhappy.
What happened next was not interesting. I bumped into the bulletin board and fell down because I suddenly felt dizzy. I have been like this recently, often dizzy and sleepy. I vaguely felt that my physical problems were getting worse, but when I thought of my father's indifference, I also ignored it. Anyway, no one cared about my life.
Idiot seemed very worried about me falling, and later I found out why - she fell in love with me.
But I couldn't respond to her.
I don’t dare to believe in something like “like” because I’m afraid that after I’ve invested my feelings in someone, I’ll be abandoned without any regrets.
I am even more afraid that we will end up like my parents...
Monday, May 23
I didn't expect that the idiot was so obsessed with my secret that she even gave me an exchange diary to exchange secrets with me. I kind of regretted telling her that she had a secret on the mountain that day.
In fact, when I was in school, I often heard other girls say to me that idiots were very aloof, and I would often pretend not to hear them and ignore them.
But I believe that fool is not that kind of person.
I wonder if she is deaf sometimes! But I don't plan to ask her. Everyone has their own secrets, and everyone has the right to keep their own secrets.
So I don't plan to exchange any "secrets" with her, but that diary... I want to tease her.
But later I skipped class out of anger because she kept praising a boy named "Chen", and that guy even came to our class to find her.
accurate!
But that guy seemed to be there to deliver the lunch box that the idiot left at home, and the idiot later gave it to me. I thought that lunch box had something to do with Chen, so I accidentally broke it in my annoyance.
Seeing the idiot's frustrated expression, I knew I was wrong.
This must be the lunch box that the idiot made for me. She must have put a lot of effort into it, but I disappointed her.
After she left, I finished the lunch box by myself.
This is the saltiest bento I have ever eaten in my life.
But I want another one.
In the afternoon, I followed the idiot to school. She was uneasy all the way, probably wondering why I suddenly got angry when I clearly agreed to go to class.
In fact, I don’t know why I get inexplicably angry when I hear the name “Chen”.
I didn't go to the classroom. I lay on the rooftop of the teaching building and watched the clouds for the whole afternoon.
The fingertips seemed to still retain the warmth of the fool's tears.
Warm, happy, and scary.
She cried for me.
But I can't do anything for her.
I think the only thing I can do for her now is to make her give up her love for me.
Don't cry for me anymore...
After school, I came to the empty classroom and found this diary in the desk.
It seems that the idiot still hasn't given up on me, but I...
Maybe I can only accept this diary.
I added what happened in the past few days in my diary. I wanted to fully record every memorable thing that happened after I met the idiot.
But I won't tell her. Just like I didn't tell her today that I found her beautiful with light makeup!
