If Mr. Chen's death was a foreseeable future, then Xu Chenxi's departure was a devastating impermanence of life.
He was fine the moment before, but disappeared when I turned around. Why is it so cruel?
We just repaired the previous rift this summer!
We finally found the beauty and intimacy we once had...
Aren't we growing up and becoming better versions of ourselves?
Could fate not be so cruel?
In the past, we always watched other people’s deaths on TV and in newspapers. The ways of death were all kinds of strange. We just regarded them as a topic of conversation after dinner and never thought that such a thing would happen to us. Only when it happens to you, you will understand what kind of despair it is.
In the darkness where the sky and the earth have disappeared, you will never see a ray of light and can only wander in the darkness endlessly.
I have no memory of how I walked home that day, but from that day on, the smiles on everyone’s faces disappeared.
Each of us felt deeply guilty, and Dujuan was particularly unwilling to get over it.
She was completely devastated.
If turning a blind eye to her mother's illness was the source of her guilt, then Xu Chenxi's death was the sharp blade that killed her soul.
She took a lot of sleeping pills and was sent to the hospital for gastric lavage after being discovered by her mother.
Her mother stayed with her all the time, but she never gave up on death.
She even went on a hunger strike and no one could persuade her.
None of us thought that the person who made Du Juan give up the idea of ​​committing suicide would be Xu Chenxi's mother.
She found Du Juan and said to her with hatred on her face: "Do you think that you can be free and escape your mistakes by dying? People always have to pay the price for their willfulness. You want to use death to escape responsibility, which is too cunning."
After hearing these words, Dujuan seemed to come alive suddenly.
She said to Xu Chenxi's mother: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I won't think about dying anymore. I will live well and remember my sins. You are right, using death to escape is too cunning..."
Xu Chenxi's mother didn't listen to what Du Juan said. She left after she finished what she wanted to say.
Sometimes I wonder, did Xu Chenxi's mother say those things just because living is the cruelest revenge?
We will probably never know what Xu Chenxi said to her mother before she died that day.
I locked myself in my house and didn't go anywhere.
Sometimes, I would suddenly hear Xu Chenxi standing at my door calling my name. When I turned around, I seemed to still see her pure white dress, as beautiful and clean as a lotus.
But when I looked carefully, I found that there was nothing there.
Xu Chenxi is no longer here .
Grandpa walked into the yard with grapes in his arms, sat down next to me, and didn't speak for a long time.
I was the first to speak: "Grandpa, why do people have to face death? Why do such painful things have to happen?"
"Because this is life, this is living." Grandpa replied calmly, "I never told you that your grandma died in front of me. She was holding my hand a second ago and said, 'My dear, our son is coming home today, please don't quarrel with him anymore'. I said, 'Okay, I won't quarrel anymore'. But when I turned around, she was already dead. She had an acute myocardial infarction. There was no sign before. She was in good health. I thought she would live a hundred years."
"But Chenxi is still so young, she is the same age as me, and she is obviously... obviously such a good person." My vision blurred again, and I raised my hand to wipe away my tears fiercely, "This is too cruel, too unfair."
"Shan'er, there is no such thing as fairness in this world. People die every minute and every second, including children younger than Chenxi. Their families and friends also feel pain and sadness. So being alive is a precious thing, because you never know when death will find you." Grandpa said slowly, his tone as calm as if he was talking about an extremely ordinary thing, "Life always involves various separations and pains. If you feel that such a life is too painful, then try to add some happy memories into this painful life."
"But if I have to go through all this in life, I would rather be an innocent child forever." I leaned on my grandfather's shoulder and said while looking at the twinkling stars in the sky .
I still remember that day at the beach, the moment we walked out of the cave, the fireworks blooming in the sky were so beautiful, but unfortunately they were fleeting.
Is the joy of life just like those fireworks?
When it comes, you feel that you may be happy forever, and there is nothing happier than this. However, such joy and happiness are fleeting, and disappear before you can savor them properly.
Xu Chenxi's funeral was scheduled for the day before school started. Jiang Huai knocked on my door and asked me to go with him.
Today, Jiang Huai was wearing a black suit with a white rose in his pocket. He was more mature than before, and his expression seemed more resolute.
He said, "Shan'er, go and see Chenxi off for the last time. You have always been the only one watching over Chenxi, who is always ignored by others. This time she is staying in that place alone. If you don't go, she will forget to move forward."
When he said that, the tears that I had managed to hold back burst out again.
I said, "Let's call Du Juan to join us."
Jiang Huai shook his head at me and said, "I went to check, Du Juan wasn't at home."
When Jiang Huai and I were about to reach Xu Chenxi's home , we saw Du Juan kneeling at the gate of Xu Chenxi's home from afar. Xu Chenxi's mourning hall was set up in the flower shop, surrounded by flowers, and she was sleeping there.
Jiang Huai and I stepped into the mourning hall, and Ming Qinghe was already there.
He stood silently beside the crystal coffin. I knew that Ming Qinghe's pain was no less than Du Juan's and mine, because he was there on the day Xu Chenxi had the accident. He knew that the floor was covered in oil and very slippery, and he was supposed to go to the table where Xu Chenxi served the dishes.
The moment Xu Chenxi fell, he didn't have time to run over and support her.
I was right there, but I couldn't do anything. That feeling of helplessness was really uncomfortable.
"Shan'er," Ming Qinghe said, "is there any way to make everyone less miserable? Think of a way, just like when we were little, you always made everyone forget their sorrows and made everyone happy. Do you know? Shan'er, you are omnipotent in my eyes."
"I'm sorry." I bit my lip and said, "There is no other way. This pain must be firmly engraved in my heart. Qinghe, this is pain, a pain that will make people cry uncontrollably."
"You're right." He reached out and touched his face, then laughed. "Remember what it feels like to be in pain, and then keep moving forward with the pain. If this is what adults have to do, then I think we have finally grown up."
"Someone once said that in the two months from high school to college, immature children will suddenly grow up. Is this what growing up is all about?" I murmured, "Growing up, haha, growing up."
In the end, Xu Chenxi's mother didn't say a word to us.
Although the doctor later told everyone that the reason Xu Chenxi could not be rescued after hitting the back of his head was because there were deformed blood vessels in his brain, so any head injury would be fatal.
However, it seemed that no one accepted this reasoning because she shouldn't have been hurt in the first place.
Dujuan, in particular, could not forgive herself.
Tomorrow is the day to report to school. Originally, Xu Chenxi should have embarked on a journey to Beijing, but now, she can't go anywhere.
I pulled up Du Juan, who was kneeling on the ground, and Jiang Huai and I sent her home.
Dujuan's mother sat in the rocking chair in the yard, staring at the sky.
When she heard our voices, she said, "Thank you for sending Dujuan back."
"I'm sorry, Auntie." I looked at Du Juan's mother, who was also haggard, and said guiltily, "Actually, this was my idea in the first place. I suggested that everyone work part-time to help Du Juan save for tuition."
"No, you're not wrong, you just made a suggestion. The one who's wrong is me and Dujuan. If I had talked to Dujuan properly at the beginning, she wouldn't have been so extreme. If she had known about my illness earlier and the real reason why I stopped her from going to college, she wouldn't have been so selfish to let you pay for her tuition, and then none of this would have happened."
"Auntie, it has already happened. It is useless to ask who is responsible now." Jiang Huai said, "The living still have to live. No matter how difficult it is, we will not evade the responsibilities we should bear."
"Yes." I nodded and said, "And Dujuan, although this is difficult, do you still remember what the doctor told you?"
Dujuan suddenly raised her head and stared at me in a daze.
At that time, the doctor said that Xu Chenxi said one thing, which was to ask Du Juan not to be sad and to take good care of Xu Chenxi's family.
During this period of time, Dujuan was overwhelmed by self-blame and forgot about this matter.
"Du Juan, think about what to do. You have always been very smart, much smarter than me. Use your intelligence to make your choice." I said, "I finally understand now that life is a series of multiple-choice questions. The answers you choose determine the kind of life you will have."
After leaving Du Juan's house, Jiang Huai grabbed my hand and said, "Shan'er, come to the bell tower tomorrow night."
"Okay." I nodded.
August 30th was the first day of school, but none of us went.
Jiang Huai and I asked for leave from school, and we also communicated with Mingqing River. At eight o'clock in the evening, we gathered in front of the bell tower.
That day, Xu Chenxi mustered up the courage to confess her love to Jiang Huai here. Today, Jiang Huai gathered us here to say goodbye to Xu Chenxi in our own way.
When Dujuan came, she was holding something in her hand.
When I got closer, I realized that it was her admission letter.
The Jianghuai River and the Ming and Qing Rivers came together.
They pushed a small cart with a lot of fireworks on it, but those fireworks did not have the colorful packaging like those in the stores.
"Say goodbye, and then move forward with pain." Jiang Huai said, putting the fireworks on the ground, "Shan'er, Dujuan, Qinghe, it's time to start."
The clock struck eight and the hands pointed to eight o'clock. Jiang Huai handed the lighter to Du Juan.
Du Juan looked at Jiang Huai in confusion.
Jiang Huai encouraged, "Light it up. It is said that when the fireworks bloom, the light will reach heaven. In that case, the morning light will be visible."
Dujuan lit the fireworks, and at that moment, a beam of light shot straight into the sky from in front of her.
"boom--"
With a loud bang, huge fireworks bloomed in the sky, and a few words appeared in the air -
sorry.
These words sparkled in the air, then gradually dimmed. Dujuan and I both stood there in a daze.
I asked Jiang Huai: "Did you do all this?"
Jiang Huai nodded: "Finally caught up."
Fireworks exploded in the air one after another, leaving something behind after the explosion, and then disappeared.
"Goodbye, Chenxi, goodbye!" I closed my eyes and prayed silently to the sky, "If you can hear me in heaven, please be happy. Su Shaner wants you to be happy."
Ming Qinghe just raised his head and looked at the sky quietly. He suddenly became calm, as if he had grown from a naughty boy into a calm young man overnight.
Dujuan stared blankly at the brilliant fireworks, tears rolling down from the corners of her eyes.
Suddenly, she tore the acceptance letter in half, threw it into the air, and shouted, "I already know what I want to do. I've thought about it all!"
She still made her choice on this farewell night.
Who said there will ?
Such a beautiful fairy tale, like fireworks, so dazzling that it seems unreal.
We grow up in the wind and rain, gradually become tough, understand the meaning of responsibility, know that we have to walk the future by ourselves, and understand that life is not a beautiful fairy tale.
Real life is never perfect. Everyone has to carry something heavy and move forward with difficulty.
Someone once said that life is made up of half tears and half happiness.
"I think my happiness is probably that one day I can forgive myself, and one day Chenxi's family can forgive me. Before that, I have to punish myself with tears and pain. I don't know when such happiness will come. It is unpredictable, but this is the real life."
Dujuan looked up at the fireworks gradually disappearing in the sky, then turned around and smiled at us.
After the fireworks ended, we sat in front of the clock tower without moving and no one spoke.
We didn't stand up until the clock struck twelve.
“Only by saying goodbye to yesterday can we have the courage to move towards tomorrow.” I looked at Du Juan, Jiang Huai, and Ming Qing River and asked, “Are you ready?”
"Um."
Jiang Huai nodded gently.
"Ready." Ming Qinghe said.
"There's no need to say anything more."
Dujuan smiled slightly.
"Then let's go!"
After saying that, I turned around and ran towards home.
No matter how heavy it is, no matter how difficult it is, we already have a place we want to go.
Life is like brilliant fireworks. There will always be a brief moment of light . That is enough, enough for us to move forward with the most determined steps.