Disappointment, pain, frustration, confusion...
We fought our way through all the obstacles along the way, our feet were worn out and our clothes were soaked with sweat.
I have cried loudly in the dark night when no one was around, and I have also pretended to be happy when there were many people around, but I was never honest enough. When facing myself, everyone is probably a coward at first, but fortunately, the coward eventually grows up.
——Su Shaner

Finding a part-time job that pays by the day was not easy at the beginning, and we were cheated by some unscrupulous agents, so we wasted several days.
As time was getting shorter and shorter, we were all very worried and afraid that we would be too late.
While we were struggling, Chen Xiaotian came to my house with his SLR camera and said goodbye to me, saying he was going back. He saw that I was unhappy and asked me what was wrong.
After I told him that I couldn't find a part-time job, Chen Xiaotian smiled and said, "So that's it. Leave it to me!"
So Chen Xiaotian took us to meet a person who was his classmate, who was in charge of organizing part-time jobs for people who wanted to work and study in the university.
So with his help, we officially started our part-time job journey.
On the first day, we received a part-time job handing out flyers in the city center. It was said that if we did a good job, we could do it for several days in a row and earn 50 yuan a day.
We were so happy, but when we officially started working part-time, we found out how hard it was.
Rongcheng in midsummer is much hotter than Qingtang Street, because everywhere here are reinforced concrete buildings, and even the ground is asphalt. The sun shines on them, steaming the air even hotter.
After the first day, everyone was noticeably darker, especially Xu Chenxi. She was originally very fair, so the darkening was very obvious.
"I'm sorry, you guys worked so hard for me." Du Juan whispered on the bus on her way home that night, "I know it's too late to say this now. If it weren't for me, you guys wouldn't have to work so hard."
"This is also an experience, isn't it?" I held her hand. "And everyone is very happy. It's much more fulfilling than watching TV or playing games at home, isn't it?"
"Thank you." Du Juan lowered her head, her voice choking, "If you weren't by my side, I wouldn't know what to do."
"Because there are many of us, there is strength in numbers." Ming Qinghe laughed. He tapped Dujuan's forehead, just like he did before. "Little bird, you don't have to feel guilty. The little birds I know are not so sentimental."
"Um."
Dujuan nodded, and when she raised her head again, she was smiling.
We handed her the two hundred and fifty dollars we earned that day.
Xu Chenxi said: "Du Juan, if you feel bad, use this money to realize your dream. We will be very happy then."
After arriving home, Dujuan took me to her house and asked me to help her put the money into the piggy bank she had specially prepared.
However, when we walked to the door of her store, we found that it was closed. The sun had not yet set, and it was not dark yet, so the store should not close so early, right?
With such doubts, Dujuan took out the key, opened the side door and walked into the inner courtyard. Dujuan's mother seemed not to be at home, and the yard was surprisingly quiet.
"Strange, where is your mother?" I couldn't help but ask her, "Did you tell me where she went?"
"No." Du Juan shook her head blankly, "She rarely goes out, why is she not at home today?"
Dujuan opened the door to the living room and was stunned. She saw her mother lying on the sofa in the living room, covered with a thin blanket, as if she was asleep.
Looking at Du Juan's mother from such a close distance, I realized that the beautiful lady in blue flower clothes in my memory has aged. She used to have black hair, but now she has a lot of white hair.
Normally she would hide the white hair among her black hair and comb it into a bun. But today, she let her hair down, and the white hair among her black hair was particularly eye-catching.
Her face was unnaturally pale and she looked a little haggard.
"Dujuan, is your mother feeling unwell?"
I turned my head to look at Dujuan, but saw that Dujuan was in a daze, staring at her mother's face, as if she was looking at a stranger.
"I have no idea."
It took a while for Dujuan to answer me.
Then she took my hand and walked across the living room into her room.
She gently took out the piggy bank, took off the key hanging around her neck, opened the box, and put the money she had earned that day into it.
"Hurry up and save enough." I patted the box and said, "Then you don't have to worry."
When I came back from Dujuan's house, Grandpa had already prepared dinner. Grape saw me coming back and jumped on me excitedly. Grape has grown up a lot now and is no longer a little puppy with milk smell.
"Grandpa, Du Juan's mother didn't open the store today." I said casually while eating, "This seems to be the first time."
Grandpa's chopsticks paused in mid-air, then he sighed and said, "That's because Dujuan's mother is sick."
"He is really sick." My guess was correct. "He looks very listless."
"Dujuan probably doesn't know her mother is sick yet." Grandpa suddenly said, "Alas, what a poor child."
"What do you mean?" I had a bad feeling in my heart, "Is Dujuan's mother's illness serious?"
"It may not be a big deal for most people, but it is a very serious disease for Dujuan's mother." Grandpa sighed again, "I'm really afraid that one day I will be like that."
"What's going on?" I asked, putting down my bowl and chopsticks.
I remember that Dujuan's mother was so determined not to let Dujuan go to college, and we never seemed to have thought about finding out why Dujuan's mother was so determined .
Grandpa put down his chopsticks and waved his hands at me: "For craftsmen like us who make a living with our hands, hands are very important. The more delicate the things are, the more skillful and steady our hands are needed."
"What disease does Dujuan's mother have?" I was very anxious, but grandpa spoke slowly and didn't seem anxious at all.
"Have you heard of a disease called Parkinson's syndrome?" Instead of answering me directly, my grandfather asked this.
I shook my head blankly.
He went on to say: "This disease is a problem of the nervous system, and it becomes more serious in the later stages. This disease will make Du Juan's mother unable to hold an embroidery needle, and she will become emotionally agitated and depressed."
"Can it be cured?"
This issue concerns me the most.
Grandpa shook his head and continued, "This disease has not been completely cured so far."
"how so?"
I instantly felt my hands and feet become cold, and my breathing became rapid. As someone who grew up on this ancient street, I knew exactly what this meant.
"How long has Dujuan's mother been suffering from this disease?" I asked.
"It's been a long time, but it wasn't that obvious before. This disease will become more and more serious once you are over 50 years old." Grandpa's tone was heavy, "It's a pity that such a good embroidery skill will disappear."
After listening to what my grandfather said, I felt very conflicted.
At the beginning, I really hoped that Dujuan’s dream could come true. Although she gave up the responsibilities she carried, everyone has the right to choose, right?
But now, I am not so determined.
I returned to the room and took out some small sachets from the drawer. These sachets were all embroidered by Du Juan's mother. Whether it was flowers, birds, insects, fish, or cartoon characters, they were all lifelike and full of spirit.
Such beauty and vitality can never be embroidered by a machine.
There are really too few people who still insist on passing on the things left by their ancestors. Some sects even have only one successor left. If even that person no longer sticks to it, then these things will really disappear from this world.
I always feel that such things are too sad.
I was a little confused, not knowing whether I should tell Dujuan about this. In fact, Dujuan's mother has not told Dujuan about her illness until now. Isn't this also giving Dujuan a chance? A chance to choose her own future?
However, Du Juan's mother shoulders the responsibility of passing on the embroidery craft, so she has to become a hateful mother, seemingly unkind, but actually...
She should be suffering more than anyone else.
I don’t know why, but now I suddenly understand this feeling.
It's not a pleasant feeling to keep a secret in my heart. Looking at such a happy Dujuan, I don't know how to start.
"be careful!"
Jiang Huai grabbed my arm and pulled me back hard.
Almost at the same time, a small car drove past me.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you so absent-minded?"
"No, it might be because of too much sun and my head is dizzy." I quickly made up an excuse to get away with it.
Jiang Huai smiled slightly and reached out to rub my hair: "Su Shan'er, do you think everyone is as easy to deceive as you? What's going on? Can't you even tell me?"
I was a little conflicted, not knowing whether I should tell Jiang Huai about this, but it really didn't feel good to keep a secret by myself.
I thought about it and decided to speak out.
I don’t know why, but I always feel that if it were Jiang Huai, there would definitely be a better way to handle this matter.
After hearing what I said, Jiang Huai's expression became a little solemn.
He said, "I didn't expect it to be like this. What do you think, Shan'er?"
"To be honest, I don't know either." My mind was a little confused. "Look, Dujuan has worked so hard to go to college. What will she do if I tell her now? Sometimes it's because we don't know anything that we can move forward courageously. If she knew this, would she still have the courage to fly into the sky?"
Jiang Huai was silent, his brows slightly furrowed, and it seemed that this question also troubled him.
"This is really a very troublesome matter, Shan'er."
"I didn't sleep much last night, I was thinking about this all the time." I said helplessly, "If I were Du Juan, what would I do? I thought about it for a long time, but I couldn't come up with an answer."
"Then don't think about it and let everything take its course." Jiang Huai said, "When you don't know how to make a choice, the best thing to do is to do nothing. Du Juan is actually a very sensitive girl, she will definitely notice it. She didn't say it, maybe just to pretend she didn't know."
"Is this really okay?"
I felt a little uneasy.
I clearly know everything, but I insist on pretending that I know nothing. How is this different from my past self?
"We are her friends. Although I can't think of any perfect solution to this problem, if we do nothing...are we still Du Juan's best friends?"
"What you said makes sense." Jiang Huai smiled, "Then why don't we call Chenxi and Qinghe to discuss it together! Don't forget, they are also Dujuan's friends, there is no reason not to let them know."
"Okay, then let's meet at the ice cream shop at 7 o'clock tomorrow night," I said.
After telling Jiang Huai all this, I found that I felt much more relaxed. It turns out that some things cannot be carried on one person's shoulders. Sometimes, relying on friends around you can make you less tired.
Today we were not working together, Jiang Huai and I were in charge of handing out flyers, while Xu Chenxi, Du Juan, and Ming Qinghe were helping out at the hotel. It was said that the hotel had several wedding banquets today, and they were looking for someone to help serve the dishes.
We stood in a crowded area handing out flyers and quickly completed today's task. After collecting today's wages with Jiang Huai, we decided to go to Xu Chenxi's place to see if they could help.
Because part-time work in a hotel is paid by the hour.
But as soon as we arrived at the hotel, we saw Du Juan running out in a panic. She looked pale and anxious, and she didn't even notice me and Jiang Huai walking towards her.
I quickly chased after her, reached out and grabbed her arm, and shouted, "Dujuan, what's wrong? Why are you so anxious?"
"It's Chenxi, Chenxi fell and got hurt!" Du Juan's eyes turned red when she saw us, and she almost cried, "When she was serving the dishes, she accidentally stepped on the greasy floor, and she fell backwards and fell to the ground. Her head... there was a big hole in her head, and she was bleeding a lot..."
"Ah, how could this happen? Where is she now?" When I heard this, my heart was in my throat and I was obviously panicking. "Dujuan, Dujuan, where is Chenxi? Where is she?"
"Wow, we went to the hospital. Qinghe carried her on his back and took a taxi to the hospital. I was just about to rush over." Du Juan's voice was filled with tears as she blamed herself, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's all my fault... If it weren't for me, Chenxi wouldn't have come here to work part-time, and wouldn't have slipped on the greasy floor... It's all because of me, it's all because I'm too selfish... I made everyone work so hard, and now Chenxi is in trouble..."
"Let's not talk about this for now, let's go over and see how Chenxi is doing."
Jiang Huai was relatively calm. Du Juan and I, who were a little out of control, went to the street and hailed a taxi.
Along the way, I kept urging the driver to drive faster and faster, and even made him run several red lights in a row.
I put my hands together and prayed silently in my heart: Chenxi, Xu Chenxi, please don't get into trouble! You just got the long-awaited admission letter, and your colorful future has just begun!
However, even though the driver was driving fast enough, I still felt that the short three-kilometer journey from the hotel to the hospital seemed as long as a century .
After a series of screeching brake sounds, we finally arrived at the hospital.
We rushed in hurriedly and looked around, only to be told that a girl with a big hole in her head was sent to the emergency room.
When I heard the words "emergency room", my heart felt like it fell into an ice cave and I was so cold that I was shaking all over.
The last time we were there, we said goodbye to Teacher Chen, and I have always been afraid of that place.
Outside the emergency room, we saw Ming Qinghe trembling all over.
He was sitting on a bench in the corridor, his hands clenched tightly, unable to conceal the fear in his eyes.
Seeing him like this, and looking at the blood on his hands, my heart suddenly jumped.
Is Xu Chenxi really seriously injured?
How could it be? How could it be...
She was fine when we separated in the morning!
I pretended to be calm as I walked towards Ming Qinghe and asked, "Ming Qinghe, how is Chenxi now? Nothing serious, I think, he just fell down..."
“Shan’er, Chenxi… when she fell, the back of her head hit the ground hard and she bled a lot. When we got here just now, the back seat of the taxi was covered with her blood. You have no idea how pale she was…” Ming Qinghe’s eyes were still filled with fear. He grabbed my hand and took the responsibility on himself, “Shan’er, Shan’er, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault… I was in charge of her table, and she didn’t know it was slippery there… It’s all because of me that I didn’t tell her in advance, that’s why she got into trouble…”
I was completely frozen there. I didn't hear anything Ming Qinghe said to me.
All I heard him say was that the back seat was covered in her blood and how pale she looked…
Du Juan collapsed on the ground, her face as pale as paper, her hands tightly holding her arms, and her body shaking violently.
She kept muttering, "No, no, it's my fault, it's all my fault... If I hadn't been so willful and didn't go to college, if I hadn't agreed to you working part-time to earn tuition for me, this wouldn't have happened..."
"God must be punishing me. He is punishing me for pretending not to see my mother's illness and trying to evade responsibility." Du Juan laughed twice, "I'm sorry, Chenxi, I'm sorry! Please don't get hurt! It's my fault, all my fault! As long as you get better, I will compensate you in any way I can!"
"Fan'er." Jiang Huai patted my shoulder, helped me sit on the bench, and said softly to everyone, "Don't be like this, Chenxi is still receiving emergency treatment in there, there are so many doctors in there, she will be fine. We are all her good friends , if even we don't believe that she can make it, then no one will believe that she is okay."
“It’s a lie.”
My teeth were chattering. I knew what it meant to have so much blood on the back of my head. I knew what it meant to have such a pale face…
"She was fine when she left the house in the morning! Chenxi even told her mother that she would buy her mother something delicious when she returned home in the evening. But now Chenxi is lying in there, badly injured. How are we going to tell her mother?" I couldn't help but shout, "No, it's not your fault, it's all my fault! It was me who suggested that we work part-time together to save up for Dujuan's tuition. If I hadn't made this suggestion, this wouldn't have happened. It's all because of me, because of me, that Chenxi got into trouble..."
As I said this, I hit my head in pain, as if only by hitting the head that came up with such a bad idea a few times would I feel a little better.
"Shan'er, Shan'er! Stop it!"
Jiang Huai grabbed my hand.
"This is not your fault. Don't take all the responsibility on yourselves! This is an accident, an accident, do you understand? There are all kinds of accidents in life, and none of us can foresee them!" Jiang Huai saw that we were blaming ourselves and couldn't help but raise his voice, "Xu Chenxi will be fine! Xu Chenxi is not as fragile as you think, she will definitely make it!"
But how can I believe such words?
I raised my head and said weakly, "Really? I won't deceive myself anymore, and I don't want to escape. Jiang Huai, tell me, the back of your head was injured so badly, and you bled so much, are you really sure that you will be fine?"
"I'm sorry." Jiang Huai turned his head, his eyes darkened, "But even so, we have to believe that she will get better."
We waited outside the operating room for a long time, longer than the last time we waited for Teacher Chen.
Finally, the "in surgery" light dimmed and the door of the emergency room slowly opened.
"Doctor, how is our friend?"
Jiang Huai, who deliberately remained calm among the four of us, was the first to notice that the operation was over and rushed to the doctor.
The three of us followed and surrounded them.
"Yes, doctor, has the bleeding stopped? Do you need a blood transfusion? You can take mine!" This was Ming Qinghe's anxious voice.
"Take mine, take mine, doctor, my blood type is the same as hers!" This was Dujuan's voice, and she had rolled up her sleeves.
"Doctor, is my friend okay?" This was my expectant voice.
The doctor took off his mask and scanned our faces. After finding that we were all young people, he frowned and asked, "Where are Xu Chenxi's family members?"
"Her family will be here soon. I called her family before." Ming Qinghe explained hurriedly, "We are her friends."
"Oh, there's no point in drawing blood. The patient suffered severe external injuries and internal injuries, including bleeding in the cerebral center, because she was hit on the back of her head by a hard object. We treated her external injuries through surgery and cleared the blood clots in her brain, but we found that the patient had congenital malformed blood vessels in her brain, so her condition is very bad now, her pupils are dilated, and her heart rhythm is unstable. You'd better urge her family to come to the hospital, otherwise they might not be able to see her for the last time." The doctor looked at us anxiously, and his cold voice instantly plunged everyone into the abyss.
"Doctor, doctor, where is Xu Chenxi?"
Just when everyone fell silent, Xu Chenxi's parents hurried over.
Xu Chenxi's mother was in such a hurry that her clothes were soaked with sweat.
Her face was very haggard. When she saw us, she pulled my clothes and asked, "Where's Chenxi? Where is our Chenxi? Where is she? Where is she? You kids, why are you doing part-time jobs? What's going on now?"
"You are Xu Chenxi's family, right?" The doctor at the side saw this and said, "Xu Chenxi is in the emergency room. You can go in and see her. She probably won't last much longer."
Xu Chenxi's mother's face turned pale instantly, and she almost fainted, but was supported by Xu Chenxi's father. They walked in with heavy steps.
The door of the emergency room closed gently in front of us.
"Is there a girl named Dujuan among you?" The doctor was about to leave, but came back after taking a few steps.
Du Juan, who had been sitting on the ground like a statue, suddenly jumped up and said, "Yes, yes, I am Du Juan!"
"Just now, the patient said something to me when she was awake." The doctor looked Du Juan up and down and finally sighed, "She told Du Juan not to be sad and to help her take care of her family."
"Ah!" Dujuan collapsed instantly. She couldn't bear it any longer. She hugged her head, squatted on the ground and burst into tears.
"Cuckoo. "
I squatted down and hugged her tightly.
I know how painful and sad she is at that moment, just like my pain and sadness. Although Jiang Huai said it was an accident that no one could have foreseen, we obviously had so many possibilities to avoid this accident.
I don’t know if this pain and sadness will cruelly follow us for the rest of our lives…
Every time we wake up in the middle of the night, we will never forget our sins.
"I'm sorry, Chenxi! I'm sorry, it's all my fault! If you hadn't saved up for my tuition, you wouldn't have taken a part-time job. If you hadn't gone, nothing would have happened to you!" Du Juan said hoarsely, "Shan'er, I'm the executioner, do you know that? I'm the executioner, I killed Chenxi, it's my fault!"
"Dujuan, no, no...it's my fault..."
My tears kept flowing down. I opened my mouth but couldn't utter a complete sentence because I didn't know what I should say to ease our pain at this time.
"She was so beautiful, she did so well in her studies, and she was admitted to such a good school. Her life had just begun, but I actually killed Chenxi for my own sake!"
Dujuan shouted until her voice became hoarse.
"Dujuan, don't be like this. If you want to blame someone, blame me. As a boy, I saw a girl fall into such danger but failed to pull her back in time..." Ming Qinghe ran to Dujuan and I who were crying, hugged us and said.
Jiang Huai walked over to us silently and hugged all three of us at the same time.
So the four of us sat in the corridor outside the emergency room and cried.
Loud noises were not allowed in the hospital, but perhaps because our voices were too loud, no one came out to stop us.
“Click—”
The door of the emergency room opened again, and I saw Xu Chenxi's mother standing there with a haggard face, as if she had passed out.
She looked at us sitting on the ground and shouted, "Executioner! You executioners!"
After saying that, she fell straight back. Fortunately, Mr. Xu came out and quickly supported her.
This day is seven days away from August 30th.
The four children who grew up on Qingtang Street felt as if the sky was falling and the sun was completely taken away by darkness.
The change came so quickly and so unexpectedly.