I heard that I was born on a very beautiful summer morning.
My mother said that at that time she was lying on the operating table by the window, watching the darkness outside the window burst into light and the sky suddenly brighten. My first cry was like an angel singing.
So, she gave me the name "Chenxi".
How beautiful and full of vitality!
So, I tried hard to make myself worthy of this name, but unfortunately I was only good at studying. When it came to getting along with people, I was as clumsy as a three-year-old child.
When a lot of people are playing together, I always don’t know how to fit in, and I’m always worried about the homework assigned by the teacher that I haven’t finished yet.
Sitting alone in a corner, watching others playing happily, I must have felt a little envious. I wish I could get along with everyone easily.
"Chenxi, come and play." A clear voice with a smile sounded in my ears.
My dazed eyes quickly focused, and the person standing quietly in front of me, bending over with her hands on her knees, was Su Shaner.
There were several children my age on Qingtang Street, but the only ones who studied together were Su Shaner, Du Juan and the only boy, Jiang Huai.
"No, I have to go back to do my homework." I was clearly looking forward to it, but in the end I still avoided it.
I stood up and was about to walk back to the classroom, but Su Shaner grabbed my arm.
She said: "Xu Chenxi, come and play together."
I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt anxious.
I pushed her away with force and ran away in a cowardly manner.
I remember one time, Mr. Chen, my primary school teacher and principal, called my mother to school because I was always not sociable.
That day, I was outside Teacher Chen's office and heard Teacher Chen say to the mother, "It is indeed difficult for a smart and precocious child to fit in with others. But if they are always not sociable, it will have an impact on their future! If they don't know how to get along with others, it will be difficult for them to adapt to society in the future. Su Shan'er and Chenxi grew up together, right? That child is the opposite of Chenxi. Her grades may not be that good, but she can make friends with everyone, so she smiles every day and is so happy every day. Everyone likes her very much. As Chenxi's teacher, I don't want her to just have good grades."
That day I ran away from there with my lips pursed and my fists clenched .
She said she didn't want just good grades. Didn't the teacher like obedient and good students the most? Why did the teacher like the playful Su Shaner more than her?
I really hate that guy. He had a hard time studying and just barely passed the exam, but he got the recognition from the teacher that I always wanted.
Such an annoying guy shamelessly said to me: "Come and play together."
What a joke!
I ran to the backyard of the school and sat down under the rockery. Later, big raindrops fell from the gray sky. When I realized what was happening, I was already trapped there and couldn't go back to the classroom.
I was a little anxious, and suddenly I saw a purple floral umbrella floating in the heavy rain. When the umbrella got closer, I could see clearly that the person holding the umbrella and walking towards me was Su Shaner.
She looked at me sitting under the rockery with a worried look on her face, ran over to stand in front of me, spread her hands in front of me, and said, "Xu Chenxi, come, I'm here to pick you up."
"Why did you come to pick me up?" I said unhappily.
She smiled and said, "How can I ignore you?"
"Why?" I couldn't help but wonder the reason.
She tilted her head and said, "Because I want to be good friends with you, Xu Chenxi."
"Huh?" I stared at her with wide eyes. I don't know why, although I wanted to refute in my heart, but seeing her eyes were so sincere and honest, I couldn't say anything. I just murmured, "Become good friends?"
"Yes, become good friends."
As she spoke, she grabbed my hands on my knees, pulled me up from the ground, and despite my resistance, dragged me into the heavy rain, but the small umbrella fell on my head.
Su Shan'er is still so hateful in the rain , but...
I looked at Su Shaner like this, and the corners of my mouth curled up slightly.
Although it's hateful, it doesn't seem bad.
It was my eighth birthday, and it was the first birthday present I received from a friend, a piggy pencil from Su Shaner. I was reluctant to use it, and carefully placed it in the innermost layer of the drawer.
I thought we would always get along happily like this, but one day, when I found that Jiang Huai, the gentle and steady little boy who often played with us, had grown into a handsome young man, I couldn't help but be distracted in class. After class, I just wanted to follow him and I even didn't concentrate when doing my homework.
I seem to have fallen in love with JAC.
I began to feel distressed.
Su Shaner likes Jiang Huai, and she can't hide this love. Although she has never said it, as her friend, I can easily see it.
When I had no friends, it was Su Shaner who pulled me out of the heavy rain under the umbrella. How could I like the person she liked?
Finally, my grades began to plummet.
Jiang Huai is an excellent boy, and many girls in our class like him. One day, a girl put a letter in my drawer and left me a note, asking me to help deliver the letter to Jiang Huai. But the letter was accidentally seen by Du Juan.
As for that letter, it was actually a prank. Just as I saw that Su Shan'er liked Jiang Huai, someone also saw that I liked Jiang Huai. My name was signed on the back of the envelope, and Du Juan mistakenly thought it was a love letter from me to Jiang Huai. She bared her teeth at me like an old hen protecting her chicks.
She threw the letter in front of me. We had a huge argument that day. She scolded me for being too much and actually trying to steal the person Su Shaner liked. I was probably too angry at that time. I was completely out of control and exposed Du Juan's thoughts.
Ming Qinghe's grandmother lived in Qingtang Street. He would come to play with us every winter and summer vacation. I accidentally noticed that Du Juan liked Ming Qinghe. Unfortunately, Ming Qinghe seemed to treat Su Shan'er better than Du Juan.
Neither Du Juan nor I expected that Su Shaner was standing outside the classroom.
She saw our hideous and ugly expressions.
But she still smiled before running away.
Later we pretended nothing had happened and that we were all avoiding something.
This escape finally ended when the letter was posted on the bulletin board. We completely turned against each other and built a high wall between each other.
When Su Shaner went to the principal to admit that she wrote the letter, Jiang Huai came to see me and asked me, "Chenxi, do you really think that Shaner wrote the letter?"
I don't know why he asked me this. I heard that he went to see Su Shaner.
He was obviously so disappointed with Su Shaner, why did he ask me this question?
At that moment, a devil was speaking in my heart. If Jiang Huai was disappointed with Su Shaner, would he notice me who was watching him in the corner?
So I said, "I don't know, but if she didn't write it, why would she admit to it?"
Jiang Huai said nothing, but there was a hint of disappointment in his eyes. He turned and left, and it was only then that I suddenly realized that Jiang Huai was not disappointed with Su Shan'er, but I was the one who disappointed him.
But what does he want me to do?
If I said that the letter was not written by Su Shaner, then all the contradictions would be directed at me, and I was afraid! In the end, I did not clarify anything because I was a coward.
After that, we graduated from junior high school. Jiang Huai and I went to Rongcheng High School together, while Su Shaner and Du Juan went directly to the high school department of our original school.
I got a glimpse of Jiang Huai's feelings for Su Shan'er during an outdoor learning class in high school.
He squatted in front of the gardenia tree on the back hill of our school with such a gentle expression.
I walked over, and he turned his head to look at me and said, "If Shan'er were here, she would definitely like it very much."
His tone was so gentle, revealing his unconcealable joy.
It turns out that Jiang Huai has always liked Su Shaner.
After knowing this, I felt even more unbalanced. What was so good about Su Shan'er? I was obviously prettier, smarter, and much better than her, but why did even Jiang Huai like Su Shan'er?
I quickly drove this thought out of my mind. I hated myself for being like this, but this thought quietly took root in my heart.
So much so that later when I was playing at the beach with everyone, I would do things like that.
I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, so I deliberately came out to chat with Jiang Huai. Later, I deliberately leaned my head on his shoulder so that Su Shaner could see it.
As I expected, Su Shaner saw everything, but she just walked away silently and did not show any abnormality during the day.
Did she think that I had been with Jiang Huai for three years in high school?
Later, when we were playing volleyball on the beach, the volleyball hit Su Shaner who was standing in front of me. She wanted to run away, but she saw me standing behind her and decisively stopped running.
She was going to help me block the ball, but I saw Jiang Huai pull her away, and the ball came towards me. I instinctively ran away and fell to the ground.
JAC, why?
Can I be sacrificed so easily in front of Su Shaner?
I was very sad, so I lied and said that I sprained my leg. I suppressed the little bit of guilt in my heart, and I wanted to be willful for once. I am also a girl, and I also want to be cherished by the person I like!
So when we had our big adventure the next day, I asked Jiang Huai to carry me.
In the dark cave, he put me down and said to me calmly: "If it's just a little temper, that's enough."
I was shocked. It turned out that he had seen through my little thoughts. I shouted at him, "Why? Why can't I do this?"
In the darkness, with only the light of the flashlight, Jiang Huai smiled at me and said, "Because you are not Su Shaner, you can't."
Jiang Huai likes Su Shaner so much.
I walked into the fork in the road with sadness and jealousy. I didn't expect to meet Su Shan'er at the first fork in the road. We quarreled and finally fell out, but Su Shan'er left the only light for me. Even though we became like this, Su Shan'er still wanted to protect me.
After parting with Su Shan'er, I met Ming Qinghe in the cave. He said, "I guessed it was you. Leaving the light to you is really what that guy would do."
I didn't say anything, but just walked forward with the flashlight, step by step in the long and quiet corridor.
Sure enough, Su Shaner is a hateful guy.
The moment I walked out of the cave, fireworks bloomed before my eyes. I don’t know why, but the things that were blocking my chest suddenly disappeared.
After the trip to the beach, we seemed to have really returned to the happy and intimate times of the past.
I think if I hadn't helped Dujuan save for college tuition, we would have continued this way.
That day, Su Shaner and Ming Qinghe went to the porcelain warehouse to pick up goods, but they did not come back for a long time.
Jiang Huai was very anxious. He went to look for her, searching for her everywhere like a headless fly.
It was the first time I saw Jiang Huai lose his composure.
Later , Du Juan went to find the supervisor to explain the situation and found out what had happened, so everyone went to the warehouse.
Seeing Jiang Huai so worried about Su Shaner, the beast in my heart showed signs of awakening again.
I said, "Shan'er and Ming Qinghe were alone in the warehouse. Would...if..."
"What are you talking about?" Du Juan frowned and looked at me, "Everyone is worried about their safety, what are you thinking about?"
Jiang Huai gave me an ambiguous look. I quickly lowered my head and said, "I mean, will something happen?"
"No!" Du Juan said firmly.
I don’t know if it was to punish me, but God played a big joke on me.
On the day I went to the hotel to work part-time, I deliberately exchanged tables responsible for serving food with Ming Qinghe, because I felt that the tables closer to the corridor were more convenient.
Who knew that when I was passing a large plate of dry pot, because I had to avoid people walking in the corridor, the dry pot blocked my view, I stepped on the greasy floor, and fell heavily.
In an instant, I saw Ming Qinghe's panicked face and saw everyone looking at me in horror.
I wanted to say that I was fine, it was okay, I just fell.
But when the bright red blood spread from the back of my head, my vision began to blur and I knew nothing. I thought I was dead!
In the darkness, I saw myself glowing, I saw the heavy rain when I was eight years old, I saw the sea of ​​gardenias when I was sixteen, and I saw myself floating in the air.
Everyone was crying and taking the blame on themselves, saying that if it hadn't been this or that, nothing would have happened to them.
In fact, I know that they are all innocent. It was me who accepted Su Shaner's suggestion and helped with the part-time job to earn tuition for Du Juan. It was me who wanted to switch with Ming Qinghe because of the convenience of serving food to the tables along the corridor.
So, what did they do wrong?
Jiang Huai was the only one who tried to hold back his emotions and spoke feeble words to comfort them.
But I heard Su Shan'er ask him back: "The back of your head was injured so badly and you lost so much blood. Are you really sure that you will be alright?"
Jiang Huai didn't answer.
It probably won’t get better!
I heard Dujuan's hysterical voice, as if she had lost her soul. I think she must be the saddest and most self-blaming person!
So the moment I opened my eyes, I said to the doctor, "Tell Dujuan not to blame herself."
Lying on the operating table, my mind was filled with images flashing through my mind.
It turns out that in the end, all that remain in the mind are happy memories. Those painful and unbearable past events become vulnerable in the face of death.
Is death another form of growth?
If so, I think I must have truly matured at this time.
If I die, they will definitely be sad, Su Shaner, Du Juan, Jiang Huai, and Ming Qinghe. Don't be sad, my friend, we have grown up through so many things, and we must become strong, strong enough to face the sadness brought by death.
Su Shan'er and Jiang Huai, two people who love each other, must always be together.
As for Du Juan, haven't you always liked Ming Qinghe? If you like him, then try to make him like you.
If that was the ending for those four people, I think I would be happy.
Mom and Dad rushed in front of me. Mom’s expression was so painful. She said, “Chenxi, don’t you want your mother anymore? You were fine when you went out. In a few days, you will go to college!”
"Mom, I'm sorry." I raised my hand to wipe away the tears on her face, "Mom, don't cry."
"If only I hadn't gone to work, if only I hadn't saved up money for Dujuan's tuition!" Mom said with a grim look on her face, "It's all her fault, it's all Dujuan's fault!"
I want to say, Mom, don’t be like this, don’t become like this. The mom in Chenxi’s memory will never have a hideous face.
I had a lot to say to my mother, but in the end, I used all my strength to say just one sentence to her: "Chenxi's last request is that if Dujuan can completely get over the shadow of my death, please forgive her."
My mother looked at me in a daze. This time, like Su Shaner, I finally smiled in the end.
"I promise you, Chenxi." Mom said, biting her lip.
Warm liquid dripped on my face, they must be my mother's tears.
Before I lost consciousness, I remembered the day when I was drenched by the rain. I was sitting under the rockery, at a loss, and a little girl with a smile and curved eyes came up to me holding a purple floral umbrella.
"Chenxi, come and play."
"OK."