Chapter 9: Can't wait for the stars to come, wait for Nanxi

It was that day that I felt anxious.
It rained heavily that day, I locked myself in the room, watching the rain on the window slide down the glass. It seemed that I caught a cold because I accidentally caught a cold yesterday. When she called me, I was actually thinking about her, but I didn't dare to disturb her frequently, fearing that she would think I was annoying and a nuisance.
Although I knew she would never do that, because I knew her so well. I didn't dare to look for her, perhaps because I didn't know what to say when I faced her. I carefully hid myself, afraid of being seen by others, but I didn't know when I started to look forward to being discovered by her.
I expected her to notice my presence. That feeling of caution, anticipation and fear did not make me resist.
I picked up her call and she asked, "Xu Minyou, are you okay?"
She was clearly asking me if I was okay, but she used such a sad tone. I was too familiar with her tone. When she was sad, her voice would be very low, and there would be a touch of melancholy in her voice. At this moment, I wanted to go to her side.
I saw her, her eyes were red, as if she was trying to hold back something. I could see that she must be sad for Song Yan. In my impression, every time she was sad, it was because of Song Yan. At this time, a trace of jealousy sprouted and took root in my heart.
She asked me, "Xu Minyou, what do you do when you are alone in the room?"
In fact, I really wanted to tell her that I spent most of my time waiting for her text messages or calls. If I couldn't wait any longer, I would read a few books, but in the end, I told her everything upside down. I could see that she was in a bad mood, but I didn't know how to comfort her.
I started to get impatient. If I wasn't afraid of other people's gazes, if I could hear what other people were saying, then I would be able to hear what Song Yan said to her.
I knew that if I was so impatient, something bad would happen sooner or later, but I couldn't calm myself down. The pain was like tearing my bones, and I finally fainted in class. I woke up again in the infirmary, but when I turned around, I saw her sitting next to me. I was about to speak when I heard someone talking.
The person said "Guo Jiani", and looking at her expression, I already knew who was speaking.
Apart from Song Yan, no one could make her look so lonely.
I couldn't help but ask her, "Are you sad?"
She quickly turned her head to look at me, her eyes full of disbelief, and I was also stunned - I just heard a voice outside. Until now, I could only hear her voice, and later I could also hear Dr. Jiang's voice, but now, I can hear other people's voices.
I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel a little uneasy and always feel that something bad is going to happen.
She grabbed my hand and said, "Don't be afraid of anything. I'm right here, Xu Minyou."
I really don't seem to be afraid of anything anymore.
After leaving the infirmary, she said she wanted to go to the German class. I guess it was because she wanted to avoid Song Yan and Guo Jiani. But it’s good this way, so she can stay with me.
She said she was heartbroken, but I was actually a little happy. If she was heartbroken, did it mean that she had stopped liking Song Yan? If so... would she be willing to look back at me who was always watching her?
But I knew in my heart that Song Yan was not what she imagined, and Song Yan must like her. But for some reason, Song Yan didn't say anything, and even mixed with Guo Jiani. I remembered the last time Guo Jiani came to me and asked me to cooperate with her, but unfortunately I didn't want to play with her at all. I really don't like girls like that.
She accompanied me to the class for five days. During these five days, although I could hear people talking, I didn't feel uneasy because she was by my side. She always made me feel at ease. I think if she stayed by my side like this every day in the future, I would not be afraid to face the future.
So I asked her to walk with me on the city streets. I wanted to have such memories, walking side by side with her on the busy streets, and no matter where the road led, she would always be within my reach.
I began to look forward to tomorrow. This would be the first time we would go shopping together. It was a pity that I only had black clothes, otherwise I would have worn clothes with brighter colors.
She was not late; she was punctual and never late.
I took her to the car and told the driver to drive to the downtown area. The driver was a little surprised because I had never been out since he became the driver of this car. I was afraid of crowded places, and the driver knew it.
"Let's drive." I said again.
The driver then slowly started the car, and the scenery outside the car window kept receding. She suddenly asked me, "Xu Minyou, do you like butterflies?"
"I like her very much." I answered her. I really wanted to tell her that once when she came into my sight, I almost mistook her for a butterfly. Since then, I have liked butterflies, because seeing butterflies always reminds me of her easily.
She nodded thoughtfully. She seemed to want to ask me something, but she couldn't. I asked, "What do you want to know?"
"I'm just curious. Last time you asked me to guess when we first met." She smiled and said, "I recalled for a long time, but I'm sorry, Xu Minyou, I still can't remember when I met you earlier."
Of course you don't remember, because I am the only one who has that memory.
The driver stopped the car. There were so many people in the downtown area. She held my hand tightly, afraid of losing me. I really liked the feeling of her holding my hand tightly, because it made me feel that she was very worried about me.
"Are you feeling okay?" She tilted her head to ask me, and I nodded to indicate that I was fine.
"Hold my hand tight, don't let go." She was still worried and kept saying it over and over again.
"I won't let go. As long as you don't shake off my hand, I will never let go." I said in a very soft voice.
"What?" She obviously didn't hear clearly.
I shook my head, smiled and said, "It won't come loose."
I could feel many people's eyes on me, but I didn't feel anxious or scared because I could feel her strength being transmitted to me steadily from her hands.
"That boy is so handsome, but that girl is not that good." A girl next to us pointed at me and Nanxi and whispered.
"That's right, it's so strange."
I pulled her along and walked faster. What did they know? They were pointing fingers at us without knowing anything. It was really ridiculous.
"Tanghulu! Do you want some?" She pointed to a roadside snack shop. Next to it stood a Tanghulu rack with many Tanghulu on it.
"Okay." As long as she said it, I would agree unconditionally.
We squeezed over and bought two strings of candied haws. In my sight, the originally black candied haws turned red instantly after she took them in her hands.
My heart sank, and this color made me instinctively want to avoid it.
She didn't notice anything unusual about me, and stuffed a string of candied haws into my hand, saying happily, "This is how we enjoy shopping, let's go."
I held the candied haws in my hand, but I didn't dare to lower my head, because she was holding my hand and I could see the color of the candied haws in my hand. This color gave me a bad feeling and made me almost nausea.
That is the fear suppressed in the deepest part of my heart .
But we had just started shopping and hadn’t walked very far. I couldn’t let her see that I was acting strange, so she said, “The candied haws are so sweet.”
I looked down at her, she put the candied haws to her lips, her fair skin seemed to make the red color even more charming. She accidentally stuck the candy to the corner of her mouth, and at first glance, it looked like blood stains overflowing from the corner of her lips.
My stomach suddenly churned and a deep sense of fear gripped my heart.
"What's wrong with you?" No matter how careful I was, she still noticed something was wrong with me. "Xu Minyou, are you feeling unwell? How about we go back and go shopping another day?"
"It's okay, I'm okay." I took a deep breath and forced myself to hold it in. This was just the beginning. If I wanted to move forward, I had to face these, no matter what they were, I couldn't run away.
"Xu Minyou, look at me." She dropped the candied haws in her hand and pulled me to squat on the ground. She looked at me level and her tone was a little serious. I couldn't see my expression, but I knew that something must be wrong, otherwise she wouldn't speak to me in such a tone.
"Don't be afraid, Xu Minyou, I'm here, don't be afraid." She whispered, trying to bring me back to life.
But for some reason, her words didn't seem to work on me this time. She was trying to comfort me, but I was becoming more and more irritated. Why? Why couldn't even she make me feel at peace?
I remembered what Dr. Jiang said. He said, if one day Lu Nanxi can no longer make me feel calm, then I will definitely collapse. I will shut myself off again and forget Lu Nanxi who brought me voice and color.
But I promised her, I promised her that I would try my best to remember her, I will not forget her, and I don’t want to forget her!
"Xu Minyou, let's go back, now!" Her voice was full of anxiety. She pulled me up. This place was not far from where the driver parked the car. She wanted to take me to the driver and let him take us back.
People around me pointed at me, their eyes were all kinds of different, and these eyes gradually overlapped with the eyes I had at that time, contemptuous, disdainful, sarcastic, indifferent, sympathetic, I put my hands to cover my face, I wanted to say "Don't look at me, don't look at me like that"...
"Hey, it's that boy. How scary! That boy doesn't seem normal! Does he have epilepsy or is he mentally ill?"
"Yeah, his expression is so scary, no wonder he would find a girlfriend like that."
"How could his girlfriend agree to this? Isn't she afraid?"

Stop it, stop it, stop it, shut up!
I want to block my ears. I don't want to hear these words. I feel like the sky and the earth are spinning. Everyone has a mocking expression on their face. Everyone! Some people even took out their phones to take pictures of me. I want to hide. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to stay here.
My hand was held tightly by someone, and she pulled me forward. No, no, no, I can't hide. If I hide, I won't be able to see her again.
If I can't see her, my world will be silent and colorless again, and I don't want that.
I can't forget her, I have to calm myself down, I need to calm down.
But it didn't work, no matter how I told myself, I couldn't stop the spasms in my body, I couldn't even stand up. I just wanted to squat down and bury my face deep in my arms, so that I couldn't see or hear.
"Xu Minyou, you promised me, you promised me that you would not forget me!" Her voice was already filled with tears.
"do not Cry……"
I almost squeezed out these three words from between my teeth.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have agreed to go shopping with you. I knew you couldn't handle the crowds." She was very anxious and pulled me forward. I tried my best to suppress the urge to run away. My feet began to stagger and my vision began to blur. I reached out and found that my forehead was covered with sweat. The sweat blocked my vision. The world in front of me, the golden sunlight that I could see, slowly faded.
I looked at her back, and she was like a butterfly, her color gradually dimming and finally being swallowed by black and white.
Her voice was sometimes far away and sometimes near, and a huge fear arose in my heart. Why was this happening?
Why can't I see her color anymore? I don't want to lose her voice. I want to hear her speak. I also want to hear her call my name!
"boom--"
There was a loud bang, and I felt as if my head was about to explode. Then, the world suddenly became extremely quiet. The pedestrians around me were still talking, but I couldn't hear them. She was anxiously saying something , but I couldn't hear it either.
Dr. Jiang said: "When one day she can no longer calm you down, you may forget her who brought you color and sound."
Lost the color, lost the sound, so next, will I forget her?
My eyes went dark, and then I knew nothing.
I seemed to have had a very long dream. I seemed to be very happy in the dream, but after opening my eyes, I remembered nothing.
I opened the curtains a little and peeked out. There were many empty flower pots on the rooftop, which would be filled with flowers next spring. There was also a rattan chair on the rooftop. I looked at the empty chair and felt like something was missing.
There should be more than that. There should be something else. What is that? Whatever it is, it feels wrong.
Days go by, and I am still the same. Today, my grandfather came to see me . He passed me a note through the door and said, "Xu Minyou, are you lonely?"
alone?
What does that feel like? I was a little confused because these two words seemed so far away from me. Why do I feel lonely? This is the world I want—clean, only black and white, no sound, no strange looks. I like this kind of life, why do I feel lonely?
I opened a book and started reading, but while reading, I was a little absent-minded, as if I was waiting for something.
What is there to wait for in a life like this? Obviously, there is no need to wait. Every day is the same. I just need to repeat this.
When night fell, I walked to the window. For some reason, I always wanted to open the curtains. My hands were faster than my thoughts. When the curtains were completely opened, I realized what I had done. I looked up and saw the sky full of stars through the glass window.
A pair of dark eyes flashed through my mind, and I seemed to hear someone say to me: " Xu Minyou, the first time I heard your name, I thought of this starry sky."
I covered my head tightly. Why was there a sound? I clearly couldn't hear any sound. My world was quiet. Who was the owner of this sound?
"Xu Minyou, you won't forget me, will you?" The voice in my mind continued to echo.
" No, I will try very hard to remember you."
"Okay, we have a deal. You have to try really hard to remember me."
Who is the person you want to try really hard to remember?
"Xu Minyou, do you like butterflies?"
Butterfly?
I turned around and dove into the pile of books, and pulled out a book about butterflies. I opened it eagerly, trying to find some clues, but there was nothing inside.
Who are you?
I really can’t understand it!

Jun 28, 2024
宇宙微尘不及你
Jun 28, 2024
我的男友是超人
Jun 28, 2024
星光小淑女
Jun 28, 2024
美少年樱之簿
Jun 28, 2024
你曾以世界为我仰望