Maybe it was because I ate too greasy food at noon. After I got home, I dry-heaved for a long time before I felt better. I sat on the sofa with a glass of warm water, looking out the window quietly. My mind was in a mess and I didn't know what I was thinking.
Maybe it was because the process of being together was too difficult. When I was alone, I found that I didn't trust Yu Xia that much. Maybe I asked too much. In the past, I lived alone with our memories, but he found someone else after the grief.
I know this is a kind of compulsion, but I just can't make myself not care at all. I hate myself for being like this, I hate this self who is always unsatisfied.
The scene in the coffee shop kept appearing in my mind. The way the two people smiled at each other stimulated my sensitive brain nerves. Thinking of this, I couldn't help feeling nauseous again. I lay over the toilet and retched violently. My mouth was very bitter, as if I had tasted all the bitterness in this life.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, not because of Yu Xia's suspected betrayal, but because I was doubting the man who loved me so deeply.
It was already evening when Yu Xia returned home. I was curled up on the sofa watching a recent Korean drama. The hero and heroine in the drama were hugging each other and saying their final goodbyes. Neither of them shed tears and their expressions were indifferent. But after turning around, a line of tears fell without stopping.
The more you love someone, the more you cannot let the other person see your sadness.
"You're back." I stood up and took his coat and hung it up. "Have you eaten?"
"I've eaten." He hugged me gently, "Didn't you say you were going to go shopping for a day? Why are you back so early?"
"Shihan said she had something to do, so we came back after lunch." I made up a lie.
"Watching Korean dramas again?" Leaving his arms, he pulled me to sit on the sofa. Looking at the supporting actress screaming at the male lead on the iPad, I couldn't help laughing, "I don't understand why you girls like to watch this? After so many years, this is the only thing you haven't changed."
“Exaggerated?”
"No matter what you go through, you have a pure heart," he said seriously.
His serious look made me laugh out loud, and I said, "Are you trying to say that I cry every time I watch Korean dramas?"
"You always misinterpret my meaning." He rubbed my head. "Are you still feeling uncomfortable today?"
"No." I forced myself not to think about the scene of Yu Xia and that girl smiling, but it kept appearing in front of me and couldn't be shaken off.
I turned to look at him. He was frowning as he watched the plot on his iPad. This expression always overlapped with the way he smiled.
Maybe a customer?
Maybe...
"Yu Xia, what did you do today?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Didn't I tell you this when I left this morning? I have to work overtime for the company." He pinched my nose, "Why? Are you worried that I'll go out and fool around? Look at me, I come back to be with you as soon as I finish work. Mo Zhun laughs at me every day for being a wife slave!"
"Is that so?" I forced myself to smile at him, feeling extremely conflicted. "Where did you have lunch, and what did you eat?"
"I ate in the company cafeteria. What's ?" He seemed to have noticed something and looked up into my eyes. "Were you having random thoughts at home?"
"No, I can't be with you. I just want to know what you did during the day and whether you missed me."
"Of course, otherwise why would I come back immediately after I finished my work? Don't think about it, I'll take you out for dinner tonight?" Without the slightest impatience, he told me everything with a smile, and the love in his eyes seemed to be overflowing.
I believe that he loves me, and it is precisely because of this belief that I don’t understand why he lied to me. Is that woman some unspeakable secret?
"I want to eat the tomato and egg noodles you made. I haven't had it for a long time." I said.
"Okay, I'll make it for you." He stood up and walked towards the kitchen.
There was no impatience, but a gentle expression. These expressions could not make me harden my heart to ask about that woman. I was also afraid that if I asked, our relationship would be overshadowed. It was so difficult for us to be together, and I...
"Don't add chopped green onions." I said to his back.
"I remember."
Tears could not help but flow after these four words. I turned my head away from the iPad in panic and wiped them with a tissue. In the story, the heroine and the hero have been separated for many years. The hero has a female supporting role, but the heroine still can't agree to the male supporting role.
This is so similar to us, but... am I really the heroine?
His deception made me more suspicious.
Yu Xia, why did you lie to me? Is there anything I can't know?
I looked at his back as he was busy in the kitchen, and my heart felt warm again. We looked like a couple, living a sweet life.
"Yu Xia, let's get married!"
I really wanted to rush forward, hug him from behind and say these words to him, but after thinking for a long time, until he came out of the kitchen with the noodles, I was still sitting on the sofa, without the courage to rush forward, nor the courage to say these words out loud.
I haven't had insomnia since we got together, but I had insomnia again that night. I woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. I walked to the bed, opened the curtains a little, and when I turned my head, I looked at Yu Xia's quiet sleeping face. The moonlight shone on his face, reflecting his handsome profile.
Yu Xia, I really want to ask you who that woman is. I also want to hug you and cry after getting your answer, and tell you my confusion and misunderstanding. I hope you can forgive me, and we will never hide anything from each other again.
But I didn't do it. I chose to ask indirectly, but the result was an answer I didn't want to hear. I didn't expect that the first lie we lied to each other after being together would be this.
I know it's impossible for a couple to be 100% free of lies, but why would it be about another woman?
Maybe this is a retribution. I took you away from Xu Shihan, and God will send another woman to you.
Thinking of this, my heart can't stop aching.
"Why did you wake up?" he asked me drowsily, rubbing his eyes.
"The moonlight is very beautiful tonight, and I suddenly want to see it." I also started to lie.
Yu Xia, even if our lives are filled with lies in the future, I don’t want to leave you, do you know that?
"Don't look, I'll hold you while you sleep." He walked to the window and pulled me to the bed, holding me in his arms, and said softly, "I'm by your side. I'll take care of everything."
"Yeah." I fell into a deep sleep in his arms. Perhaps when I woke up tomorrow, everything would be new again, without any more anxiety or doubt.
We never talked about this issue again after that day . It was just like our previous life. Every day he got up early to make breakfast, and after we ate, he sent me to work, and then he went to the company. Nothing had changed.
Maybe Xu Shihan was still a little worried so she asked me out, and I finally had someone to talk to.
On a weekend afternoon, Xu Shihan and I sat in a coffee shop. She drank coffee and ordered a glass of water for me. I originally wanted to refuse, but seeing her determination, I didn't say much.
"Have you asked Yu Xia about that?" she asked me.
"No." I sighed, "I really want to ask, but I just can't."
"Then why are you just holding it in? Su Bei, when two people are in a relationship, they can't just keep their grievances and doubts to themselves. If they explode one day, it may be irreparable." She asked the waiter to order a piece of strawberry cake, "Eat something sweet, maybe you will feel better. It really hurts to see you looking so unhappy."
"I'm sorry to have made you worry." I looked at the strawberries that Xu Shihan had specially forked for me on the plate, feeling a little sad. "I don't want him to think that I don't trust him."
"So you're just going to endure it like this?"
"Not really..." After thinking for a while, I told him what happened that day. "I asked him indirectly what he did and what he ate that day. He told me that he was at the company and had a canteen meal. He didn't mention the woman at all."
"How could he do this!" Xu Shihan slammed the table angrily, "Su Bei, he's already like this, and you still haven't asked clearly? You can't wrong yourself like this!"
"But... I'm scared."
"Are you afraid that Yu Xia will leave you? So you are so submissive? Is this still the Su Bei I know? Are you really going to throw yourself away for Yu Xia? Throw away your personality and self, and just live by relying on him? So are you Yu Xia's wife or Su Bei?"
"That way at least you can be there for him, right?"
"Are you happy about that? Is he happy?"
I really have no way to answer this question. It has been a week since that incident, and that question is still stuck in my chest and I haven't asked it out loud. I always suffer from insomnia because of it.
Am I happy?
I am not happy.
"Don't think about it for now. Eat something first. You must not have eaten well recently. You look so thin." She pushed the cake in front of me. "You used to like strawberry cream cake the most."
My chest felt very stuffy, and maybe, just like Xu Shihan said, eating some sweets could help me feel better.
As soon as I put a spoonful of cake mixed with cream into my mouth, my stomach began to churn violently. I spit out everything in my mouth into the trash can on the side, and then dry-heaved for a while before I calmed down.
"Su Bei, are you pregnant?" Xu Shihan handed me some water and asked me to rinse my mouth. "You don't look like you just have a bad stomach."
"Pregnant? How is that possible?" I couldn't believe it.
"I felt something was strange last week, and I forgot to tell you about Yu Xia's matter. If you're still like this today, then you're pregnant without a doubt. Let's go."
"Where are you going?"
"Silly, look and see if you are pregnant!"
After paying the bill, Xu Shihan dragged me to a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test stick. When I saw the two red bars on it, I was a little confused.
I stroked my belly, which had not yet bulged, and couldn't believe that there was a little life growing inside.
"I'm going to be a mother soon?" I looked at Xu Shihan in disbelief, tears .
"Yes, you're going to be a mother soon, and Yu Xia is going to be a father." She said with a smile, "Why are you still standing there like an idiot? Tell Yu Xia the news right away."
"Will he be happy?" I was still thinking about that unknown woman.
"How can you not be happy? This is a great joy!" Xu Shihan comforted me, "You two finally got together, and having a child is such a joyful thing."
"Really?" I was still a little unsure.
"Don't worry, you will be very happy, believe me."
"Yeah, okay!" After hearing what Xu Shihan said, I took out my cell phone with some trembling, and finally dialed Yu Xia's number. After hearing his voice, I suddenly became excited. I shouted his name and couldn't say anything else, "Yu Xia..."
"What's wrong? Su Bei, did something happen?" Yu Xia asked nervously, "Where are you now? Didn't you go out for coffee with Xu Shihan? What's wrong?"
A series of questions confused me: "No, I'm fine..."
"It's okay. You scared me to death. What happened?" He breathed a sigh of relief. "Don't worry. I've been listening!"
"Yu Xia, listen to me, you're going to be a father."
"Being a father? You want to buy a cat?"
"Are you stupid? You're going to be a father. I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!" He had been talking about buying a cat to raise as a daughter. No wonder he thought of buying a cat first. I was so excited that I couldn't speak clearly. "Really... I just tested it... I'm really pregnant... Yu Xia, I'm really pregnant, with our baby."
"Su Bei, where are you now?"
Instead of the expected excitement or shock, Yu Xia just asked me where I was in a hurry.
"Huh? I'm near the coffee shop that Xu Shihan and I often go to. What's wrong?"
"Send me your location right away and I'll drive over to find you." After saying that, I heard the sound of a chair being dragged. "I'll be there right away, wait for me where you are."
"Yeah." After hanging up the phone, Xu Shihan asked me, "Is Yu Xia coming to pick you up?"
I nodded.
"He was also anxious and couldn't wait even for a moment. See, I said he was very happy."
Is he happy? But why do I feel uneasy in my heart? However, when Yu Xia appeared in front of me with a happy face, all the uneasiness disappeared.
I was so excited that I almost cried. After waiting for a long time, I finally calmed down and dared to call my mother to tell her about it.
She pretended to listen to me calmly, then said she was hanging up. Before she hung up the phone, I heard a loud shout of joy from the other end, and I couldn't help laughing.
In the past, I never understood why people in TV dramas would be so excited about pregnancy. I always thought that I would be very sad if I were pregnant. After all, it would mean that I would have to carry a baby for a long time, and I would most likely become a fat person. The thought of it made me feel a little scared.
But when there was really a little life growing in my belly , the joy I felt was indescribable.
I am looking forward to it, hoping that Yu Xia will be as happy as I am about the arrival of this life.