There is always a shortage of people in a hurry at the airport. Those unfamiliar people pass by us, some pulling suitcases, some carrying handbags. Some are happy, some are sad, and some are as conflicted as I am.
Yu Xia and I stood in the airport lobby, looking at the people rushing around, and suddenly I didn't know what to do.
He held two plane tickets to Xiamen in his hand. When he handed them to me , his voice trembled a little, and I also felt a strong sense of uncertainty in my heart.
It is easy to say that you can go on a trip without any preparation, but it is not so easy to do, especially with the man sitting opposite you, who already has a girlfriend and his girlfriend is my former friend.
No matter how much I love this man, I can't leave with him without hesitation.
Yu Xia stood beside me, waiting for my response. I looked at him and recalled the secret crush I had in the past. At that time, I loved this boy purely, and I could do whatever I wanted and did without any scruples.
Five years have brought us too much uncertainty, and we are no longer the same people we were before.
"Because of Xu Shihan?" Yu Xia immediately exposed my worries.
I nodded: "You are her boyfriend now, let's do this..."
"I know your worries." Yu Xia put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "You know what? When I learned that you were back, I hesitated for a long time. I was struggling with whether to come to see you, whether I would let down the people around me, and whether I would make you happy. But the moment I saw you, I knew that my decision was right. Over the years, the last thing I wanted to see was you crying, but I happened to be the one who made you cry the most. Su Bei, give me a chance to make it up to you, even if we can never meet again after this time, even if... this is the last time we travel together in this life."
"But……"
"I want to take you and Sheng Yinuo's final plan with me through this journey."
When I mentioned Sheng Yinuo, my heart softened. That was the beach he wanted to go to, the city he wanted to go to, and the place he wanted the three of us to travel together.
"Su Bei..." He called my name with a sadness he had never felt before.
"Okay." I nodded.
When I walked into the security check with my ticket, Yu Xia's phone rang. I saw that his expression was a little unnatural and I roughly guessed who was on the other end of the phone. He has always been a person who never lies, and I don't know what he will say this time.
Tell the truth? Or make up a lie?
I didn't ask these questions, and I don't want to ask them.
Now that I have made the decision, I must bear all the consequences of this decision. No matter what, I will face it calmly.
We rarely communicated along the way. I spent most of the two hours sleeping. Occasionally, when I woke up and looked at Yu Xia's profile reading, I felt extremely happy.
I don’t know what kind of storm I will face when I go back, but at least now I am happy, sincerely happy.
After coming out of the airport, I called a taxi and went straight to the hotel. I was a little confused as I didn't know when he made the reservation.
He shook the phone in his hand and said proudly: "I had already made the reservation when you received the ticket."
At that moment, I saw Sheng Yinuo’s shadow on Yu Xia’s face.
As the car drove out of the airport, I looked at everything around me with curiosity. The buildings here are completely different from those in the north, and the trees on both sides of the road are also not common where we are.
"How do you feel about this place?" Yu Xia asked me.
“A very comfortable city.”
"What do you think Sheng Yinuo will say?" he asked again.
I leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes and thought, imitating Sheng Yinuo's tone and said, "See, the place I chose is great, don't you admire me, Su Bei, do you love me more?"
I can even foresee his smug look.
Yu Xia smiled and said, "They really look alike!"
"I remember everything about him, but I wonder if he still remembers me?"
"I will definitely remember it."
The enthusiastic driver asked us with a smile: "Are you two here for tourism? Let me tell you, Xiamen is a place with outstanding people and beautiful scenery, which can make people's wishes come true."
"Master, do you have any recommendations for fun places?" I asked.
"There are so many fun places. Here is this for you. It has all the fun places in it." The driver took a travel brochure from the passenger seat and gave it to us. After opening it, we could see everything you need to eat, drink, and have fun.
Seeing this brochure reminded me that Sheng Yinuo had also made a travel diary, which recorded several routes after arriving in Xiamen. Yu Xia and I exchanged glances and realized that we had the same idea and decided to follow that route.
The hotel is located on the seaside and has an independent swimming pool. The sea is not far away.
Our rooms were adjacent. In the evening we bought a few bottles of beer and sat on the balcony, listening to the faint sound of the waves and looking at the starless night sky, just like that night many years ago.
I don’t know how much I drank, but tears started to flow as I drank.
I cried and said to Yu Xia, "This wine is really hard to drink."
He smiled and replied: "The wine is really good."
There were several beer bottles lying around my feet . I was about to stand up and stretch, but my feet went weak and I fell down again. I looked at Yu Xia who was holding me up, and my eyes were a little swollen.
I felt sleepy and curled up in the chair, drowsy.
Yu Xia took off her coat and covered me with it, and asked in a low voice: "Are you okay?"
"Well... it's good." I choked, my voice was muffled, and I wanted to cry, "Beer is really too hard to drink."
"Then let's not drink it anymore and have cocktails instead, okay?"
"No... I still prefer to drink plain water."
"Then boiled water."
I fell asleep in a daze, with Yu Xia's gentle voice still in my ears. I couldn't hear what he said clearly, but I only remember that when I fell asleep, there was a warm embrace holding me, which stopped me from having nightmares.
It has been a long time since I slept so peacefully. In the past five years, I have had all kinds of nightmares, each of which woke me up in a sweat. Occasionally, when I calmed down, I would wake up early before dawn.
Sometimes when I open the curtains and look out the window at the sky before the morning star rises, I don’t know what to do.
Later, I tried to watch Korean dramas all night long, all kinds of shocking dramas, and fell asleep at two or three in the morning. I thought that maybe I would wake up with the sunshine. Facts told me that it was in vain.
When I woke up in the morning and saw the sunshine, my heart was as bright as the sunshine. This was the first time in five years that I woke up with the sunshine.
Yu Xia was sleeping on the sofa covered with clothes. I walked over to him, squatted down and looked at his sleeping face. Suddenly I felt sad. I stroked his face with my fingers and finally stopped at the tip of his nose.
I resisted the urge to kiss her, stood up and walked to the balcony. Sheng Yinuo, I'm standing in the city you want to come to, can you see it?
The seaside at night is as cool as water.
In the past few days in Xiamen, we walked all the routes that Sheng Yinuo wanted to walk according to memory, and the last item was to watch the sunrise at the seaside. After watching the sea so much in the past few days, we are no longer as surprised as when we first arrived.
Yu Xia set up the tent early in the morning under the curious gazes of a group of people. As night fell, there were fewer and fewer people on the beach. We sat side by side in front of the tent, watching the ebb and flow of the tide, and our hearts suddenly became much more open.
I asked for leave from the company and didn't tell anyone that I came to Xiamen. During this time, a senior called me once and asked me worriedly if something happened. I wanted to tell her, but in the end I didn't say anything. Maybe I was afraid that she would dislike me!
There are fewer and fewer people on the beach, and spots of light reflected by the city lights are flickering on the sea, one by one, with the ebb and flow of the tide.
Yu Xia prepared a lot of food and drinks, but this time there was no beer, not even any alcoholic drinks. Looking at the night scene, even without drinking any alcohol, I felt like I was drunk.
I don't know when I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up, Yu Xia called me for a long time. I woke up in a daze, rubbed my eyes and asked in a daze: "What time is it now?"
"You slept so soundly that the alarm clock rang several times." Yu Xia said to me with a smile.
"I wasn't like this before," I argued.
"Yes, yes, you weren't like this before. You just tend to be grouchy when you wake up. I still remember that one time, Sheng Yinuo woke someone up and got hit several times by that person. One of the hits was on the face. The bruises hurt just looking at them."
When it comes to Sheng Yinuo, we both fell silent, and he immediately changed the subject: "The sun is about to rise, you can see that the sky is already red."
Following his finger, I saw layers of fog where the sea and sky met, and the sun revealed a little orange halo. As he spoke, the orange color grew bigger and bigger, spreading continuously, and everything around him began to become clear.
The shock I felt was beyond words. I was used to seeing sunrises and sunsets, but I never thought that the sunrise at the seaside could be so beautiful.
I excitedly grabbed Yu Xia's hand and jumped up: "Yu Xia, so beautiful, so beautiful! Sheng Yinuo must have seen it too, right? He must have seen it too!"
"Yeah, I must have seen it." He looked at me steadily, as if the sunrise was not that important to him. "Su Bei, let's be together!"
The hand that was holding him dropped away in surprise. I looked at the person in front of me in disbelief, too shocked to speak.
Everything around me became quiet, everything around me disappeared, the sea, the rising sun, everything disappeared, only Yu Xia and I were standing face to face, I saw persistence and determination in his eyes, what was in my eyes?
The words I have been waiting for for many years have been said at this moment. Should I be happy? Tears can't stop flowing. Since Sheng Yinuo's death, I have never been so sad as I am now.
After years of chasing and longing , the day came true, but I didn't feel happy at all. Not at all. My heart felt like it was pierced by thousands of thorns and it hurt so much that I couldn't control myself.
"Su Bei, let's be together!" Yu Xia said again, his right hand tightly grasping my hand, refusing to let go no matter how hard I tried. "I don't want to miss you again."
"Yu Xia, no, we can't." I gradually regained my sanity and started thinking about how to end all this. "Have you forgotten Xu Shihan? She is your girlfriend."
"I remember, I remember everything." He hugged me tightly, "But what is even clearer is that life without you is so hard, Su Bei. I don't want to and can't lose you again."
"No, no..."
"Su Bei, I will take care of everything after I go back. I hope you won't reject me again. Su Bei, just consider it as a plea from me, don't leave me again." He choked and hot tears fell on my face.
Faced with such a fragile Yu Xia, I don’t know how to refuse.
"Yu Xia..."
"Believe me, I will handle this. I will stay by your side for the rest of my life and never leave you."
"Okay." I still didn't stick to my bottom line. I told myself a thousand times that I couldn't, but I still said "Okay". He hugged me tightly for a long, long time.
The sky was bright, and groups of people began to appear on the beach. I said, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, "Yu Xia, someone is coming, let me go!"
"I have waited too long for this moment, just hold me for a little while longer, just a little while longer."
When he let me go, I felt sore all over, but he was very energetic, with his eyes shining.
That afternoon, we bought return tickets. We came alone, but left with bags full of various local specialties.
On the plane, he held my hand the whole time, and occasionally our eyes met and we smiled at each other. The feeling was indescribable.
We all know that there are still many things to face after getting off the plane. This is the last calm before the storm.
After getting off the plane, Yu Xia kept holding my hand.
When I walked out of the passage, I looked up and saw Xu Shihan with a sad expression in front of me. I subconsciously wanted to shake off Yu Xia's hand, but he held it tightly and refused to let go.
Looking at Xu Shihan in front of me, I was so ashamed that I wanted to run away. We all used to despise the word "mistress", but now I was playing this role.
"You are all tired, let me take you home first!" Xu Shihan looked at Yu Xia and me and said expressionlessly.
"Shihan..."
"Don't say anything. This is a public place. Let's talk about it when we get back." After saying that, she strode in front of us.
I looked up at Yu Xia, and he sighed: "Before I got on the plane, I told her that I would talk to her when I got back, but I didn't expect her to pick us up at the airport."
"So what should we do next?"
"Go back first, go back and rest, I'll talk to her." Yu Xia comforted me, "It's okay, I'll take care of it."
On the way back, Yu Xia drove, she sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back. Along the way, we didn't talk, and there was only the sound of music flowing in the car.
When they were almost there, Xu Shihan finally spoke: "When did you start?"
"This morning."
"Yu Xia, can I talk to Su Bei alone later?"
"Okay." I agreed before Yu Xia spoke. I knew he would not let me be alone with Xu Shihan. He was afraid that I would get hurt.
When I agreed, I saw him frown, but he didn't say anything to stop me.
"Then please pull over there. There is a small park there. Yu Xia, wait for us in the car."
After getting off the car, I followed Xu Shihan along the park and finally stopped under a grove of blooming crabapple trees. She turned around and slapped me in the face.
"Su Bei, we haven't seen each other for many years. Is this the reunion gift you gave me?" Xu Shihan asked me. Her eyes were red, but she never shed tears.
"sorry."
"I'm sorry? Is sorry useful? Su Bei, you used to be my best friend. Why, why did it have to be Yu Xia? It took me three years to get him to accept me, but you took him away from me in just three days." She grabbed my arm and pinched it so hard that it hurt. "Su Bei, do you know that you are cruel? You hurt me more than those who bullied me back then, do you know that?"
When she first entered university, Xu Shihan was often bullied by the boys in her class because of her weak personality and good temper. Sometimes they even asked her to do something excessive.
Every time this happened, Lin Momo and I would stand up to help her block everything. We even quarreled with the boys a few times. After a few times, the boys would never pick a fight with her again. The three of us became a small group and best friends.
If I was five points sad when Lin Momo left me back then, then Xu Shihan is ten points sad now.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Apart from these three words, I don't know what else to say. Nothing I say will help and it won't relieve her pain. If possible, I would rather she hit me a few more times.
"I don't want to hear any sorry!" She yelled at me. After saying this, Xu Shihan broke down and burst into tears. She squatted on the ground, crying like a helpless child, and asked me while crying, "Su Bei, I can give you whatever you want, a house, a car, I can give it to you to the best of my ability, can you give Yu Xia back to me?"
Looking at her like this, I didn't know what to say. I half-knelt in front of her and hugged her.
"I like him. I like him no less than you. We have been together for so many years. I thought we would get married and have a lovely child. Why did you show up? Why did things turn out like this? Why did he leave me? Why? Why?" She beat her chest, "Do you know? It hurts here. It hurts a lot, Su Bei. It hurts a lot!"
I couldn't answer any of her questions.
"Does it have to be like this? Does it have to be like this? Su Bei, you are my best friend, why did it have to be you? Why?" She also hugged me and pounded my back, again and again, "Why did it have to be you? Only you, only you I can't hate, only you, Su Bei, why? Why?"
"Shihan..." Her words made me feel sad and guilty.
"I know, I know everything." She let me go, stood up, took out a handkerchief from her bag to wipe the tears from her face, covered her face with her hands and rubbed it back and forth twice, then took a deep breath to calm herself down, "I know that things can't be undone. In fact, the day I met you, I knew that all this would happen sooner or later. That day he heard someone fall into the water, and he jumped into the water without even thinking about it, completely disregarding his own body. I knew it. It's just... I didn't expect all this to happen so soon."
"At first, I really didn't want to destroy you. I wanted to bless you, but..." I tried to explain, but the words I said were so pale and powerless.
"I know that you can't control your feelings for him, and he can't control his feelings for you either." Xu Shihan leaned against the tree and looked up at the fiery red crabapple flowers. "Do you remember? You once told us that Yu Xia gave you a sunflower. I didn't tell you at that time that the flower language of the sunflower is love that can't be expressed."
"What?" When I first received Yu Xia's gift, I completely ignored the sunflower because of Yan Anyan, but I didn't expect it to have such a deeper meaning.
"Haha, you are so stupid that you didn't realize it. Su Bei, you and Lin Momo were the first people who gave me warmth after college. At that time, when I saw you two skinny girls blocking those who bullied me, I swore that I must be good to you and share my best with you." She pulled the corners of her mouth bitterly, "But today I found out that I am not that great. After my best thing was taken away by you, I was still very sad and had no joy at all. But I also know that no matter what I do now, it can't be saved. No one can change what Yu Xia has decided."
"Yes..." "Don't say sorry to me again, I don't want to hear such meaningless words." She stood up straight and finally looked me in the eye. "When I told Mo Zhun about what happened in college, I actually hoped that he could replace Yu Xia's position in your heart, but it ended up facilitating you two to be together. Su Bei, tell me, before you agreed to him, did you ever feel sorry for me?"
"Yes." "Then I wish you happiness." Xu Shihan bit her lower lip and took a step forward, hugging me, "Su Bei, tell Yu Xia that I am very happy to be with him for the past five years. Thank him for giving me five years of happiness, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to have these five years of happiness."
"Where are you going?" I shouted as Xu Shihan turned and left, "Aren't you going to see Yu Xia?"
"It's gone. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm a grudge."
"Shihan, thank you."
She waved her hands behind my back and said nothing more.
It was clear that the back was trembling and the shoulders were shaking.
"Does it hurt?" Returning to Yu Xia, he looked at me, and his cold fingertips gently touched my burning face.
I shook my head, then leaned my head on his shoulder and asked, "Yu Xia, will we be happy?"
"Yes, I will."
This sentence is very firm and affirmative. It is said to me and to myself.
"Let me take you back!"
"Okay." After returning home and explaining to my mother everything that had happened in the past few days, I lay on the bed and cried silently. I knew that I was sorry for Xu Shihan, but I couldn't let go of Yu Xia.
I am still selfish, and that selfishness that is deep in my bones always slips out inadvertently.
I was so shameless, I did something that I once despised the most, but I still expected Xu Shihan's forgiveness. Many things, if they don't happen to you, you will never know how sad they are. I clearly understand that I can't empathize with Xu Shihan, so I hate myself even more.