In the days after the outing, Mo Zhun still called me frequently, still telling me about interesting things around him like before, occasionally reminding me that I still owed him a big meal, and asking me when I would go back. However, he no longer mentioned Yu Xia as frequently as before, and when he did mention her, he just mentioned it briefly.
The sudden events at the company made us all so busy that we even wished we could save time for meals, and we kept postponing having dinner with him.
Finally, on a Friday afternoon, the senior student stretched her body and shouted in the office: "Finally everything is done! No need to work overtime tonight, everyone can have fun as much as they want!"
When I was packing up and preparing to leave work, she suddenly gave me a sly look and asked, "How is the progress between you and your handsome Mo?"
"I..." "Forget it, forget it. I don't expect to get any gossip from you. I'm going to go talk to handsome Mo and tell him that we have finally ended our long overtime life."
Sure enough, more than ten minutes later, Mo Zhun called me and asked me to treat him to a meal. He was quite humane and let me sleep for two days on Friday and Saturday, and then we would have dinner together on Sunday night. He would decide the place of dinner, and I only needed to bring people and money with me.
I slept soundly for the next two days. Finally, it was a call from my senior schoolmate that woke me up and reminded me to go on a date with Mo Zhun. I didn’t know when they became so close.
Mo Zhun's text message came yesterday. I took a closer look after I woke up. The location was relatively...popular, a restaurant with average prices, located in a shopping mall close to my home. It seems that even though we have known each other for a short time, Mo Zhun has already known my lazy nature.
It was dinner time, and the restaurant was full of people waiting in line. I thought we as soon as I walked to the door and asked how long we would have to wait, someone came up to me and said, "Miss, Mr. Mo is already waiting for you inside."
Mo Zhun was still dressed casually, as if he had rarely been seen dressed formally since they met. Sometimes one would even forget his identity as a workplace elite.
"What's wrong? Do you think I'm too handsome and you're stunned by me?" he asked me with a smile.
"I seem to have never seen you in a suit, so I'm a little curious." I replied honestly.
"Uniform temptation?"
"I don't have that habit."
I sat down and put my bag aside. Just when I was about to ask if I wanted to order, he spoke first: "I have already ordered the food, you just need to eat and pay!"
"If I don't have enough money, I will choose to run away."
He suddenly looked at me intently, and after a long while he said, "Su Bei, I really like hearing you joke and seeing you laugh."
"I'm so hungry. What did you order?" I didn't want to continue this topic, so I changed the subject.
I was a little surprised that Mo Zhun had ordered the dishes in advance. He has always been an extremely gentlemanly man and always gives priority to ladies when dining. This was the first time he did this.
After a while, the waiter brought the dishes. The first three dishes were common Sichuan dishes, which are also my favorite flavors. When the fourth dish was served, I was stunned for a moment, thinking that maybe he was the only one who liked it!
After Sheng Yinuo died, I gave up many habits, one of which was never eating pickled fish again. That was his favorite dish. Whenever my family cooked it, he would run to my house to eat it. He would not be considered full unless he ate so much that he could not walk.
"Try the fish, it's well cooked here."
"I don't eat pickled fish."
“Try it, maybe it will stimulate your taste buds and make you fall in love with this dish again!”
Fall in love again?
I put down my chopsticks and looked at the person in front of me in surprise. He was smiling and didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with what he said.
This meal, this dish, may not be an accident.
"I think you have something to say to me."
"Let's go to Q City next week!" said Mo Zhun.
Q City is a city I have been away from for five years. It is a place I never dare to step into and it is also the biggest taboo in my heart. He said it so openly and said he wanted to go with me. I felt a little ridiculous and his words were also stinging: "I don't need you to control and arrange my time."
"Su Bei, I have no ill intentions." He looked at me with sincere eyes. "After the last outing, Xu Shihan and I talked about you, and she told me everything that happened in Q City. You and Yu Xia both blamed yourselves for the mistakes you made back then. You closed yourself off, and he needed some external forces to relieve himself. You both are living too hard."
Seeing that I didn't say anything, he continued, "I'm not forcing you to do anything, nor am I trying to control or arrange your time. I just hope from a friend's perspective that you can move on from it completely and embrace a new life. You've had a very difficult five years, and I don't want you to carry that past with you for the next ten, fifteen, or fifty years. Maybe you'll think I'm meddling, but that's what I think."
"Thank you...but..."
"I know that returning to Q City is like tearing your wound apart. But now, this wound may look healed on the surface, but it is actually festered inside. It can only be truly healed if it is torn apart again and applied with medicine. Perhaps, when you return to Q City, you can find medicine to heal your wound, instead of letting it fester and fester like now, and not daring to touch it."
The years in Q City were the happiest and most painful years of my first half of life. Those happy or sad past events float in my mind. Sheng Yinuo's noise and Yu Xia's smile are all engraved in my heart and I can't forget even a little bit of them.
"Now you need the courage to take the first step. I am willing to accompany you to take this step, okay?" He looked at my face and asked cautiously, afraid of touching my sensitive nerves and missing the meal.
"Okay." Perhaps it was because Mo Zhun's eyes were too sincere, or perhaps it was because I met Yu Xia and Xu Shihan again that made me want to find a way out, so I accepted Mo Zhun's invitation.
Just one simple word made Mo Zhun smile as brightly as a child.
He asked the waiter for the menu and handed it to me like a treasure: "See what else you want to eat, order whatever you want, it's my treat."
"For a business elite, aren't the dishes here a bit cheap?" I asked.
"How about changing places? If you tell me where to go, I won't even frown."
"Next time, today, I want to try pickled fish."
"Okay, I'll pack one for you when we leave, and take it back for Auntie to try too."
Mo Zhun really did what he said. After the meal, the waiter brought a packaged sauerkraut fish. I wanted to pay the bill, but was informed that the gentleman had already paid for it.
I looked at him in reproach, and he smiled and said, "I still think this meal is too cheap and I need to treat you. You should treat me to an expensive meal."
I knew these were all his excuses, and I didn't refuse.
When I got home, my mother was still awake. She was curled up on the sofa watching the Nth rerun of a very popular palace drama. When she heard that I was back, she first raised her eyelids to show that she noticed I was back.
When she saw me put the food on the table, she suddenly ran to the table excitedly and cried, "Did you buy pickled fish?" "Yes."
"Okay, okay, I really want to eat it. I really want to eat it. Open it quickly and let me have a taste."
She actually doesn't like eating fish as she dislikes the fishy smell. She made it before because Sheng Yinuo and I liked it.
"Mom, let's eat it tomorrow. The pickled fish won't swim away if you put it in the refrigerator."
" Silly girl, you are afraid that I will eat it all and leave nothing for you, okay, okay, eat it tomorrow, eat it tomorrow, as long as there is something to eat, it's good as long as you can eat it."
My mother understood my feelings about the pickled fish too well. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, her lips trembling, and she opened her mouth and finally said, "This concubine is so pitiful, so pitiful. Do you want to watch it with me?"
"No, I'll go back to my room first. Remember to keep your voice down when you cry."
I put the fish in the refrigerator and went back to my room. My mother kept sobbing in the living room. I realized that it was not because of the poor concubine, but because of me.
Sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the sky covered by city smog, without a single star in sight, my heart began to feel confused and uneasy.
Returning to Q City was a bold decision. Before I set foot on that land, I was not sure whether the starry sky in my heart would continue to be gloomy or shining.
Walking along the school's boulevard, I always think of Sheng Yinuo and Yu Xia, and think of all the things they have said to me and done along this road.
Mo Zhun originally wanted to accompany me, but I finally refused. As an ordinary friend, I shouldn't take up too much of his time. Besides, this time I come back, I need to face and bear everything alone.
The first thing I did when I arrived in this city was to go to the neighborhood where I used to live and knock on Sheng Yinuo's door. A strange woman came out and asked, "Who are you looking for?"
"Uncle Sheng doesn't live here anymore?"
"You mean the family named Sheng who lived there before? They left after selling the house to us three years ago."
"Do you know where they live now?"
"have no idea."
They also left this sad place like me, and I don’t know when we will see each other again.
Everything around me is familiar yet unfamiliar. There is a new building here, new trees there, and a fountain there... Everything seems like the year I first entered college, full of unknowns.
I still remember the day before the university started, the three of us bought a dozen beers and a bunch of snacks and ran to the small park outside the community to bid farewell to our youth. But the ideal is full, the reality is super skinny. I drank a glass and felt dizzy and never wanted to touch the second glass. No matter how Sheng Yinuo persuaded me, I just refused to drink. Until now, I still don't understand why someone likes to drink something as unpalatable as beer.
Yu Xia talked a lot after drinking too much. He liked to talk about many things we had never heard of, such as astronomy and the universe, which made Sheng Yinuo interrupt him frequently, saying that if he was born in ancient times, he would be a pedantic old scholar.
As for the drunk Sheng Yinuo, he liked to howl to the sky, shouting over and over again: "We will be together forever, Su Bei and I will be together forever, and Yu Xia and I will also be together forever."
at last……
The park security drove the three of us away. I heard that Yu Xia and Sheng Yinuo both vomited violently when they returned home that night, and the sound of Sheng Yinuo's father yelling at him could be heard throughout the entire neighborhood.
"Su Bei?"
"Yan Anyan?"
When Yan Anyan appeared in front of me holding the hand of a handsome man, I was a little caught off guard. I hadn't adjusted my mood yet, and I didn't know what expression I should use to face my former rival and savior.
"I'm going to chat with my classmates. You can go around by yourself first!" Yan Anyan said to the man next to him.
The man understood and left, leaving the space for the two of us.
I don’t know whether to say it was a reunion after a long separation or a chance encounter. Yan Anyan and I sat on the bench where we had had an argument, each holding a cup of coffee.
"You didn't like coffee before," she said.
"Huh?" I was a little surprised.
"I know everything about you." Yan Anyan raised his head and looked into the distance with resentment, his voice carrying a hint of loss, "Yu Xia told me everything."
"Why did you break up?" After talking with Xu Shihan, I kept this question in my mind. When I was in the most pain, Yu Xia frequently appeared in front of me with her, how come they broke up suddenly?
"We've never been together? How did you break up?" Yan Anyan slowly told me about a Yu Xia I didn't know. "Su Bei, you may not know this all along, but we were born on the same day of the same month of the same year. Your birthday is also my birthday. I saw the gift Sheng Yinuo prepared for you , saw Lin Momo and Xu Shihan singing for you on the basketball court, and met Yu Xia who ran around for you. I was really jealous. I found Yu Xia, and I hoped that he could give me a hug on my birthday, even if it was without any feelings. After seeing me begging and crying, he hugged me softly, and you happened to appear at that time."
That hug... So that's what it was like... What was all my sadness afterwards for?
Yu Xia, how much have you hidden from me?
"After Sheng Yinuo died, Yu Xia found me and asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend in front of you. I also wondered why he never wanted to be with you. He didn't say it, but just told me that he felt infinite guilt for Sheng Yinuo's death, and he didn't want this guilt and uneasiness to affect you and make it impossible for you to live a good life." Yan Anyan took out a tissue and wiped away her tears. "I laughed at his stupidity and his self-righteousness. I thought that even if he had you in his heart, I could still be with him without caring. I thought that as long as he nodded, I could do anything. But when I saw him going crazy for you, I was desperate. I knew that no matter what I did in my life, it would be useless."
"I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say.
"Su Bei, you are still so selfish. You always indulge in your own sadness and ignore the people around you. In fact, if you are more careful, you will find many things, but you don't. In this way, you will always miss them." She stood up after arranging her mood. She glanced at the man not far away and smiled gently. "As long as you learn to let go, you will always meet the right person. It's time for you to let go too."
She didn't look at me again, but walked straight towards the man, then walked away holding his arm affectionately.
We weren't in a relationship where we could say goodbye in a friendly manner, and I wanted her to leave without any hesitation, which was exactly what I wanted.
Sitting on the bench, looking in the direction that made me sad at the beginning, Yan Anyan’s words brought me a lot of shock. I don’t know how many things there are that I don’t know, or will never know.
After leaving school, I became confused and my mind was in a mess. Now, only Sheng Yinuo can save me.
In front of Sheng Yinuo's tombstone, I gently placed a bunch of beautiful sunflowers. He once told me that he was a sunflower and would always face me, the sun.
Now I am the sun covered by dark clouds.
I squatted down and removed one or two weeds. It was obvious that someone had taken care of the place all year round, so it wasn't too messy. I sat in front of his tombstone and talked about everything that had happened over the years, and how sorry I was for not visiting him all these years.
"Su Bei?"
An old voice interrupted my soliloquy.
I looked up and saw Uncle Sheng and Aunt Sheng standing in front of me holding flowers. My eyes suddenly became sore when I saw how old they looked. I choked up and said, "Uncle, Aunt, long time no see."
When she saw me, tears started to flow down her face. She came forward and hugged me tightly: "Where have you been all these years? We have been so worried about you, but we haven't heard from you for a long time ."
"Mom took me to a new city to live. I'm really sorry for not telling you."
"We know that Nuonuo's death has been very hard on you." Auntie let go of my shoulder and said, "We watched you grow up, and we know you too well. But Xiaobei, you are still young, and you can't live your whole life with Nuonuo's death on your shoulders."
"This is what Nuonuo left for you." Uncle Sheng took out a letter from his bag and handed it me. "We found this when we were sorting out Nuonuo's belongings. We bring it with us every time we come here, hoping to meet you. I think after reading this letter, maybe you can feel relieved."
"Thank you."
When I was leaving, my aunt forced me to go to her house for a visit, but I still refused.
Finally, I returned to the small park where we drank and chatted that year, sat on my favorite swing and opened the letter from Sheng Yinuo.
Yu Xia and I have laughed at Sheng Yinuo's ugly handwriting more than once. When I see it now, I can't stop my tears from flowing.
Su Bei, I'm sorry.
I don’t know when I will have the courage to show this letter to you. Maybe it will be three or five years later, or ten or twenty years later, or maybe when we are both old and gray. Then I will give it to you and say, “Old lady, this is what I wrote to you when I was young.”
At that time, I hoped that we could be together, have our own family and children, and sit in the sun with gray hair. I gave you this letter, and after reading it, you smiled and said to me, it turned out that you had so many little tricks back then.
Having said so much, I finally have to tell you this.
Do you remember your birthday? It was your eighteenth birthday, and I decided to confess my love to you on that day.
That morning, when I pushed the bicycle I bought for you downstairs to your house, I saw Yu Xia who was also pushing a new bicycle. We looked at each other, and I was the first to say, "Yu Xia, I hope you can let go."
I like you so much, since a long, long time ago. I also know that you like Yu Xia more than me, but I don’t care, I just want to be with you, and at that time I firmly believed that as long as I stayed and Yu Xia quit, I would have the opportunity to be the person by your side.
Yes, I was so sure, and then I said to Yu Xia the sentence that I regretted most in my life.
I said, "Yu Xia, I like Su Bei, I hope you can let go, otherwise we won't be friends anymore."
See, I am so treacherous that I actually used friendship to force him to give up you.
He finally agreed, and the brand new bike was locked in a warehouse and never saw the light of day again.
Later you came out and he said his birthday gift for you was a hug. I knew that it was a way of saying goodbye to his love for you.
From childhood to adulthood, I have always thought that I was an upright person, but this time, I feel sorry for Yu Xia and for you.
Seeing you sad and upset for him, I began to be unsure whether what I did was right, and I became more and more confused.
The pressure in my heart is getting bigger and bigger. Every day I want to shake your shoulders and tell you all this, but every day I am afraid that you will know all this. Finally, I wrote all this on the letter paper in the most old-fashioned way, and I don’t know when I dare to show it to you.
Su Bei, I'm sorry.
Yu Xia, I'm sorry.
The last few lines of the letter were stained with tears, and I could clearly feel how sad he was when he wrote all this.
Tears dripped onto the letter paper, and I whispered, "Sheng Yinuo, your handwriting is still so ugly."
After reading this letter, I couldn't help but burst out the tears that had been accumulating for many years. I covered my face with my hands, and tears flowed out from between my fingers, dripping onto the ground, splashing a circle of dust.
"Su Bei."
When I was crying uncontrollably, Yu Xia unexpectedly appeared. He stood in front of me and sighed silently.
I leaned my head against his and asked over and over again, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Su Bei, I'm sorry."
They all keep saying sorry to me, but the person who should say sorry the most is me, isn't it?
Yu Xia, like me, finished reading Sheng Yinuo's letter in tears. We sat side by side on the swing, the setting sun stained everything in the world with a light golden hue. I leaned my head on his shoulder, thinking about the happy past when the three of us were together.
The fragments of Sheng Yinuo in my memory, as well as his crying and pretending to be strong when he was a child, are extremely clear. He should be looking at us with a magical mirror in heaven now, or maybe he is laughing at our childishness!
Sheng Yinuo, I still can't think of you calmly now. I am trying hard to keep you in the best protected corner of my heart, carefully, never let myself get hurt again, and never let you be sad.
It’s just possible that, occasionally, I will still think of your smiling face, and remember you holding my and Yu Xia’s hands and saying, “Let’s go to the sea together!”
Just like what my aunt said, I can't live my whole life carrying the burden of your death. That's not what you want. I want to live happily and hard so that you can see it.
The wound in my heart that is healing on the surface but festering inside has been opened. After bleeding, it will slowly scab and heal, leaving a faint wound.
Maybe then, I won't shed tears when I think of you or mention you...
"Su Bei, is there any place you want to go?"
"I want to see the sea once, the sea he likes."
"Let's go!" Yu Xia stood up and pulled me out.
Yu Xia took me to the airport without any luggage or preparation, and bought two tickets to Xiamen at the nearest time, starting a spontaneous trip.
"Su Bei, let me tell you, I've been reading a lot of travel magazines recently, and I found that I really want to go to Xiamen. It's really a good place for you. I want to take lots of beautiful photos of you there."
"Su Bei, can we go to Xiamen after we go to college?"
"Su Bei, let's make an appointment to go to the beach together during the summer vacation of our freshman year!"
Sheng Yinuo, I am finally going to the place you have been longing for, to see the sea you like, and take a set of photos you want to take.
How great would it be if you were still here?