At that time, I didn't know how dirty the calculations of these mercenary businessmen were, and the manager chose to sacrifice me without hesitation when it came to his own interests.
I walked down the small stage and looked at the table next to me. There was an opened bottle of Erguotou. Without thinking, I walked straight over, closed my eyes, and drank it down in one gulp.
A cold light flashed before my eyes, and my throat felt like it was being cut by a knife. I vaguely saw that at the moment I picked up the bottle, Zhang Li wanted to speak for me, but the manager glanced at her and she fell silent.
One red and one white, one smile and one anger, on this stage, it seemed that between heaven and earth, there were only people's indifferent eyes. When time passed, I staggered to put the bottle on the table, and everyone reacted and applauded continuously.
"Xiao Lin, you are a heroine!"
The disgusting taste of alcohol rushed up my throat. How could I know that this is not how you drink liquor? Colorful stars exploded before my eyes, just like the time when Shen Xingmo took me to see the stars. It was wonderful, but the scenery and the people no longer existed.
I admit that the bottle of wine I drank tonight was the most unpalatable poison I have ever drunk. When I heard a scream, I fell straight to the ground.
But they still refused to let me go. The manager and Mr. Fei pretended to be panicked and almost dragged me, saying that they would send me to rest and that everyone should have fun.
Mr. Fei was holding me up. My consciousness was already beginning to blur, but no matter how dumb I was, I knew what was going to happen.
The manager had a mean look on his face and was talking to Mr. Fei about cooperation. Mr. Fei was so lustful that he agreed without hesitation. He impatiently rubbed my butt with his fat pig's hoof hand.
I struggled desperately, feeling anxious. Mr. Fei's greasy mouth attacked my lips: "Baby..."
His fingers pinched my palm tightly, but it was useless, completely useless. At this moment, I felt scared, and the despair and sadness in my heart overwhelmed me.
I understand, I understand everything, this is a Hongmen Banquet!
"Let go..." I punched him limply, but it was like hitting cotton, powerless and helpless. Waiters walked by in the corridor from time to time, and I found that I couldn't make a sound. Mr. Fei half-hugged me and took me outside in a hurry.
I know, I'm finished, my life is over.
Alcohol paralyzed my nerves and brain. He took me to the hall. I saw his car parked outside the door. I had no strength left. My body went limp, my eyes went dark, and I passed out completely.
When I woke up, I was in a hotel room. I sat up from the bed, lifted the quilt and looked at myself. I was wearing clean pajamas and my underwear was intact, and a new set of clothes was placed on the bedside table.
what happened?
Am I wrong?
Just as I was looking around in confusion, Chen Jinmo walked in, holding breakfast in his hands, and he took off his suit jacket and draped it over his arm. He did not look as casual as usual, and a storm was brewing on his face.
No scolding.
No anger.
"You've slept all day, your stomach is empty, eat something light." He walked up to me, casually put his suit on the bed, opened the hot century egg and lean meat porridge, and rubbed his eyebrows. "Fei Junyi, that old shrew, why are you with him? Do you know that if I hadn't happened to pass by last night and saw him dragging you out with a sneaky look in his eyes, you would have been eaten by him until there was nothing left."
It turned out that it was Chen Jinmo who saved me.
"You vomited all over your clothes. I was upset seeing it, so I threw them away. The cleaning lady helped you change your pajamas, and this set of spare clothes was bought by me, so just wear them." He comforted me.
"You threw it away? I spent a thousand dollars to buy it. " I wore a high-end piece of clothing to the party this time so as not to look shabby, but he actually threw it away.
"Shouldn't you worry about yourself first?" His eyes seemed to be spitting fire.
"Chen Jinmo, I can't explain it to you right away, but I was cheated. This is a fact." I picked up the clothes he bought, changed quickly, walked out, and put on my shoes. "Where did you throw the clothes for me? I'll go look for them now."
"Lin Jingyuan." He stood up.
"If you want to scold me later, I'll take it all. Now please tell me where did you throw the clothes?" The trash can is cleaned early in the morning every day. I can't guarantee that I can still find it, but those are luxury goods I bought for myself with my hard-earned money. He is willing to give them away, but I feel heartbroken.
"Hopeless!" Chen Jinmo didn't answer me. I hurried to go out. Less than two minutes later, he came back and threw a pile rags at me, his voice angry. "Here!"
I took a look and saw that it was indeed my white shirt and navy blue skirt. The shirt was wrinkled and had a stain on the chest, and the skirt gave off a disgusting sour smell.
No wonder he threw it away. I took prompt action and used the hotel's soap to wash the stains again and again. After drying it, I put it in a bag.
After doing all these things, I saw Chen Jinmo looking at me, and he seemed unhappy. The bowl of lean meat porridge he bought remained intact. I didn't care whether the porridge was cold or hot, and I ate it up in big mouthfuls.
"Look at you, what a mess you've made of yourself." He smoked fiercely, looking at me in such a mess, and stretched out his hand carelessly, a piece of cigarette ash was about to fall on his expensive suit.
I hurriedly caught his cigarette ash, threw it to the ground, and scolded him: "Be careful."
"Lin Jingyuan, are you crazy because of poverty? I've never seen you care so much about money before." He said with a sly tone.
I rubbed my hands and smiled bitterly: "That's because you have never been poor."
"I--" He wanted to say something, but couldn't, his expression stiff, "You quit that job, okay?"
"I will."
“…Okay.” He nodded.
I turned my head away to hide the sadness in my heart.
Compared with them, I always get into trouble. I think I am working hard, but I am just jumping from one situation to another and cannot get over the mountain of reality.
After Mr. Fei almost took advantage of me, I typed out a letter of resignation and threw it on my manager’s desk. But my manager at that time was cunning enough to play innocent and offered to give me a raise to keep me, but I “fired” him without any hesitation.
That day I was organizing things at my desk, and Zhang Li was leaning against the table next to me with a cup of coffee, trying to comfort me.
"Lin Jingyuan, it's better that you quit. I wish you a bright future and don't have to suffer like this here." She teased me.
"I'm the only one who's unlucky," I said.
"No way. How do you think the previous HR assistant resigned?" She looked at me meaningfully. This water was too deep. I was young and energetic, and I would drown if I wasn't careful.
"You said the last one was also..." I was extremely surprised. Zhang Li shrugged, looked at me with affirmation, and smiled mysteriously, "It's an unspoken rule. If you can do it, do it. If you can't do it, get out ."
I didn't know what the hidden rules were, and I had no intention of snooping into the dirty secrets of managers and clients, after all, they had nothing to do with me anymore. I always remember that when I walked out of the building and saw the bright sunshine, I suddenly felt weak in my heart, and I began to realize one thing: I was unemployed again.
Finally, I decided to treat myself, so I went to the supermarket with ease, bought a bunch of meat products, made a hearty lunch, and called Chen Jinmo to come and eat.
I owe him a favor.
When Chen Jinmo asked me why there were so many blue items in my house, I actually lied and said that I bought them because I thought they were beautiful.
Some people say that the highest level of liking a person is to live like him after he leaves.
I haven't told anyone that Shen Xingmo actually likes blue and everything related to blue.
And my love is as quiet as the wind.
I hope that he who is far away from me can hear me and tell him that I am thinking of him.
People should always learn to be nicer to themselves.
During Qin Fangrui's illness, I borrowed a lot of money from relatives. When I used my savings to pay off the debts, I finally went to a beauty hospital.
My left ear needs treatment. I gradually can’t hear clearly what some people say. Sometimes I have sudden tinnitus and sometimes there is total silence.
When I explained this to a beautiful female doctor, she suddenly looked at me with pity in her eyes and said, "Why did you come for treatment only now? Do you know that in two years, you might really become deaf?"
At this moment, I felt like I was dreaming.
I never hoped that I would become deaf. After all, I was in the prime of my youth, and I had not yet heard the person I loved whispering sweet words in my ear.
I even have a secret in my heart that belongs to all girls. One day, I will meet my Prince Charming. He will be gentle and caring to me for decades. He and I will become the protagonists in a fairy tale, living happily and growing old in an ordinary way.
Now, my wishes are still innocent, nothing has changed except that the person I miss is not around.
This is the best plastic surgery hospital in the city. The girl in front of me had just returned from studying abroad. She was the doctor assigned to me by the dean. She had only been working there for half a year, but I chose to trust her without hesitation.
"Fang Ai, you can heal me, right?" I was like a survivor of a shipwreck, looking at the girl in front of me who could save me with almost reverent eyes.
She is so young, but she has already become a talented female doctor. This is the distance between her and me.
For me, I always seem to meet excellent people. They surround me like pieces of gems, constantly reminding me how ordinary and unsuccessful I am.
"I'm 70% sure, but you will suffer a little. Can you bear it?" She frowned her groomed eyebrows.
"I can bear it. I can bear any pain." Looking at her clear and bright eyes, which looked so much like someone, I tried hard not to let my tears fall, and then not to think about him.
"Then we will perform the operation in a week, and you go and handle the relevant procedures," she said.
No one can change the decision I made. That night, I finished the formalities, lay on the bed, looked at the moon outside the window, and couldn't sleep.
He said, A Yuan, I want to cure you.
Whenever I think of him, I always feel regretful. I want to give him a surprise. On the day we meet, I want to appear in front of him as a healthy person and love him well.
The operation was done in three stages. Thick gauze was wrapped around my face, making me look like a pirate. When the first operation was over, my ears hurt as if someone was cutting them with a saw. I held back the tears in my eyes, grinned, and smiled foolishly at Fang Ai.
"It's not the end yet, don't be so happy. The second surgery will be one month away. Don't touch water during this period." Fang Ai, wearing a white coat, was flipping through the stack of medical records in her hand. "I guess you won't be staying in the hospital for a month. You can be discharged in three days. Some of the things you should not eat are listed here." She handed over a stack of papers.
I don't know why, but my eyes suddenly felt a little sore. Fang Ai's phone rang at this time. Her eyes showed a gentle light. She walked outside to answer the phone and looked back at me: "...Yes, my patient needs ear surgery. You are so eager to learn? Can't you just chat ? Really? You said you will not be long..."
That look on my face, it must have been my boyfriend who hit me. It feels so good to have someone care about me.
Thinking of this, I felt like something touched the softest part of my heart. I hadn't seen that boy who smelled like cedar for a long, long time.
Shen Xingmo, how are you doing?
Ever since Fang Ai became my attending physician, she would call me whenever she was free to ask about my condition. Sometimes, when she was worried, she would drive over to ask me out.
After a while, we gradually became friends.
I have countless words in my heart, but I don't know who to talk to. Every time I see Fang Ai's smiling face, I feel cold all over and feel a little sorry for her.
On the weekend, the sunlight made the glazed tiles reflect dazzling light. I threw the sheets and quilt covers into the washing machine and hung them on the balcony. Fang Ai stood downstairs, leaning against her car, waving her bag of medicine.
I opened the door and invited her in.
After changing her shoes, she walked in and explained calmly, "I'm just a casual person. I thought you'd almost finished your medicine, so I dropped it off on the way."
I glanced at her, poured her a glass of water, and replied, "I can ."
She looked around my room curiously, her hand running over a row of books on the shelf, and she forced a smile. “I thought there would be at least one picture of a man.”
"Why?" I cut a cantaloupe for her, cut it into small pieces, put it on a plate, stuck a toothpick on it, and handed it to her. She picked up a piece and chewed it.
"Women's intuition." Fang Ai's face became extremely strange, and then she stretched and went to the balcony, bent down to play with the pots of succulents, and smiled: "Do you like to grow flowers?"
I couldn't help laughing when I heard her say that.
"I don't raise it well, just to pass the time."
Fang Ai leaned on the balcony, looking at the dilapidated urban area across the street, and asked softly, "Is it hard to be alone?"
I didn't know what she meant by this sentence, but I thought she was asking about girls earning money and living independently. I walked to the balcony and answered calmly, "It's okay. Look at this block in front. Every day when I go out, I see some people. Some of them sing under the overpass to make a living, and some beg on the roadside to earn a little income. Maybe it's a bit too much to compare with them, but I don't think it's hard for me to be alone."
Fang Ai remained silent, and I didn't know whether she agreed with what I said or not.
"How's the family?"
"The relationship is not very good. My father remarried with another woman and we have basically no contact. My mother lives with my sister."
When I turned my head, I saw Fang Ai looking at me. I avoided her gaze and asked her if she wanted to eat something, as usual.
But she shook her head, her eyes shrouded in a faint sadness.
I looked at her dim eyes and asked, "You are so outstanding and everyone likes you. You must be living a good life."
Hearing what I said, Fang Ai let out a bitter smile. I couldn't understand why she was so lost when she possessed a status and wealth that ordinary people couldn't even reach.
"A Yuan, everyone has her own hardships to practice."
Perhaps it was because she called my name in the same way as Shen Xingmo, I felt a little desolate. I patted her shoulder in a friendly way and said with a smile: "Yes, without madness, you can't become a Buddha."
She frowned and pouted, looking at me, looking very cute. I tapped her forehead and changed the subject: "It's hot outside, come in and have some fruit, I turned on the air conditioner."
I had mentioned Shen Xingmo's matter to Fang Ai before, but she didn't say anything. Seeing that she was not interested, I didn't say anything more.
Some people say that fate is not the wind, blowing back and forth, but the earth, wherever you go, you are in fate. But I am young and cannot control my fate. I cannot live my life in peace. For example, I meet the person I missed again, or I lose the happiness I once had again.
After the third operation, when the gauze was removed, the fragrance of osmanthus flowers was wafting thousands of miles away.
The pink left ear, like a newly opened cabbage flower, gently opens and listens to all the secrets between heaven and earth.
I passed by some flowers and couldn't help but stare at the golden osmanthus for a few more times. The scorching breath in my heart seemed to run out of my left ear. The joyful mood enveloped me bit by bit, and all the good memories were uprooted.
I thought of Shen Xingmo, the gentle boy who had given me warmth. If he knew that I had recovered so well, would he jump for joy? I cleaned up the house, played some music, put on some delicate makeup, put on a sea-blue dress, and went somewhere.
Now, I started buying all kinds of blue skirts. Xu Xiaoran once said that girls look like girls when they wear skirts, which shows their temperament. Among the clothes for all four seasons, every time I bring home a piece, I imagine Shen Xingmo praising me.
Fang Ai asked me to meet a friend, a junior she met when she was studying abroad, a man whose eyes would light up when she talked about him. Chen Jinmo might be tired of playing hard to get, so he didn't take the initiative to find me. I was hoping that he had found other fresh prey. But when I got to the restaurant, I didn't expect to see someone anyway. I stood outside the glass window and watched them from afar. The smile on Fang Ai's face was brighter than ever.
Opposite her was a handsome man with clear and deep facial features, like the Greek sculptures favored by the Creator. There was clear water hidden in his dark and deep eyes, with a charming luster. His thick and sharp eyebrows, high nose, and thin lips all overlapped with the boy in her dream.
He looked like a model in a white shirt and suit pants. He was sipping a cup of coffee and nodding at what Fang Ai said. On his wrist holding the coffee cup, a silver watch reflected a dazzling light under the setting sun. The restless light spots followed his movements, hitting the glass next to him and piercing my eyes.
Just like the first time we met. Shen Xingmo was thinner, but he had lost his youthfulness and began to show the maturity of a man. His every move showed wisdom and elegance, and he was extremely charming. No wonder Fang Ai, a beautiful woman with a good figure and background, would also be obsessed with him. I began to piece together the scene of Fang Ai's meeting with him.
Fang Ai said that she was studying abroad, and every day she was surrounded by boys with blue eyes and high noses, whom she didn't want to talk to. But one day a boy transferred to the next class. His outstanding appearance and extraordinary temperament immediately attracted Fang Ai's attention.
She then appeared beside him intentionally or unintentionally. The strange country, similar interests, and equally attractive looks made them chat and become friends quickly. Fang Ai fell in love with him at first sight, and used her professional advantages to guide the novice medical student Shen Xingmo, and kept in touch with him after returning to China. Fang Ai always used Mr. Right to replace the protagonist in the story, so that I didn't know until today that this Mr. Right was Shen Xingmo.
He came back, why didn't he come to see me? Instead, he met with Fang Ai.
Maybe, maybe he has changed...
Two years had passed, and the distance between us was unpredictable. I was so stupid that I thought everything was still there. I slowly backed away from them, my heart was in a mess, dust was piled all over the floor, and there was no rational way out.
It has been two years. Fang Ai and Shen Xingmo have been in contact for a long time, but he didn't tell me.
A feeling of loneliness and despair of being abandoned slowly rose up, wrapping my whole body like ice. The sunset was as red as blood, and I staggered back, hugging my arms, trying to forget the heart-wrenching pain.
Tears fell onto my skirt one by one, blossoming into gorgeous flowers. I felt like a lost person who had lost his beloved things, and the miserable sobs kept echoing in my chest. All the backgrounds on both sides of the street condensed into black and white pictures. I was lost and didn't know where to go.
The person I was waiting for came back, but he didn't want to see me. I stood firm at the exit like a rock, and he waved his hand gently, and the vast ocean appeared in front of me. I didn't have a boat to ferry, and he didn't have the heart to cross the river. When I reached the corner, I heard a familiar song from the music in some store.

My melancholy white shirt
The first cigarette in the pocket of youth
My first love
I never dare to tell you
…
The playful teenager holds the comic book tightly
Accompany me to sleep
It's the moon's sorrow
…

It's this song again. When I first encountered it, I ran away in panic. This time, I ran away again.
What made me miss him was not the opportunity, but my countless hesitations and the inferiority complex as dust. As the night gradually fell, my eyes hurt. I blinked and seemed to see him smiling at me and saying goodbye to me that year.
My legs were numb and I had no feeling at all. I took off my high heels, sat on the ground, and stared blankly at the passers-by. They might think I was a slovenly woman, a madman crying for love. I couldn't win over Fang Ai, and I wouldn't fight.
This clear realization made me feel desperate. Late at night, I dragged my feet to turn on the light in the room, looked at the silent house for a long time, and then walked step by step to the bedroom.
The room was still the same as before I left, spotless.
I took off the skirt I had carefully chosen that morning, threw it on the floor, put on my nightgown, and went to the kitchen barefoot to drink water. I made up an excuse, told Fang Ai that I couldn't keep the appointment, and turned off my phone. In the end, even Shen Xingmo didn't want me anymore. I untied the red string, held it tightly, and my heart sank.
At the convenience store downstairs, I bought a dozen beers. After being drunk for a day and a night after drinking white wine last time, I felt disgusted with the taste of alcohol . After opening the beer, I drank it in big gulps, retching from time to time.
I needed to numb myself, otherwise I was afraid I would die of heartache. I took the bottle of wine and walked around the room drunkenly.
The blue skirt on the ground, a melancholy blue, is like my attachment and sadness to him. I dug out a tin can under the bed and put the red string in it, along with the necklace he gave me and the ticket to visit the Yuhua Stone exhibition. How pitiful, after knowing each other for so long, I only have these few things related to him. I burped and didn't turn on the light. The moonlight outside sprinkled on the ground, a silvery white, and the whole world was so cold and lonely.
In my memory, Shen Xingmo's funeral for his father was also very lonely, because his mother was not awake yet, Shen Xingmo ended the funeral hastily, and I accompanied him to the cemetery. The moonlight that night was also so cold, Shen Xingmo hugged the tombstone and cried, he was so sad, I looked at him, and my heart ached with him.
Sad memories are so cruel that I always don't want to recall them. We sat on the cold stone platform, the night wind blew across his face, his tears had dried up, but my heart began to cry.
Shen Xingmo held my hand, his voice as cold as moonlight. He said, Ayuan, I only have you. He didn't know this sentence, I also heard it in his dream, the pain of losing a loved one, when I recalled it, it was like being swallowed by despair. Maybe, I should let him go, with the decisiveness of a dictator, let him find his own happiness. From the beginning to now, my story is so sad, now, there is no place to put it. When I was young, I only had you in my heart, you were the only one. Now, I can no longer enter your heart, youth is annihilated, gone forever.
Goodbye, Shen Xingmo.