Chapter 8 I want to say goodbye to my past self Qi Beichen03
The rain stopped at night.
I stood downstairs of Sun Nuofan's house, looking at the orange lights above, and I had a strong premonition that she knew I had fainted, she must know.
Sun Nuofan stood on the balcony, holding a glass of red wine and looking at me. Then he put down the glass of red wine and came to me.
"I'm telling you on Qianlan's behalf that she announced that you two have broken up." Sun Nuofan smiled indifferently.
"I want to see her." I didn't want to hear any more.
"You shouldn't have come to see her, you shouldn't have disturbed us."
"I want to see her." I controlled my emotions and didn't argue with him.
"Qian Lan and you were involved before, so I'm waiting for her to finish the matter between you. No one is welcome to disturb us here, and no outsiders are welcome. You seem to think that you are very important to her, so why don't you believe that she is just trying to get revenge on you? I know you had a quarrel with Qian Lan, and you broke her phone, which prevented her from seeing her mother for the last time. You know how much her mother means to her, don't you?"
"Sun Nuofan, don't you feel any guilt at all? Who brought her into this circle? Who turned her life upside down? Wasn't it you?"
"I have the ability to make Qian Lan a better person, can you? You did things that made her suffer and hurt her again and again. Is this how you love her with your life?"
I looked at Sun Nuofan with mixed feelings.
He said, "Now that she has chosen me, I will protect her. Mr. Qi, please."
I seemed to hear nothing and see nothing, but what he said made me terrified. My inflated self-confidence was like a balloon, which burst after being poked by Sun Nuofan's few words.
I am the instigator, I am the source of her pain, I destroyed everything with my own hands.
Sun Nuofan snorted coldly and walked into the house. I looked at my empty hands blankly, as if the last thing I had was also taken away by someone.
My heart ached. Sun Nuofan was right. All her injuries were caused by me. I hurt her time and time again. I did things that made her suffer. I was the one who rubbed salt into her wounds.
I staggered, turned around, and walked back in a daze.
Xiang Qianlan was wrong. It was me who hurt her so badly. I was desperate, willful, fearless, and had a lot of bad habits. I am just that kind of person.
I am the one who is least qualified to love her.
I spent some time in a daze, unable to tell what was a dream and what was reality.
It was another lonely night . I returned home and fell asleep on the bed. In the evening of the next day, I took out my cell phone and wanted to find someone to drink with. A name called "Shi Chonghou" appeared in my field of vision. I thought for a long time before I remembered that this was my roommate whom I met in the dormitory when I came to A University.
Later, Xiang Qianlan moved out, and I moved out too, and we contacted each other less and less.
I kept my finger on the dial button, thought for a long time, and finally deleted it.
I got up from the bed, suppressed my physical discomfort, and slowly walked towards the bar. I suddenly remembered that many years ago, Yin Shuitong had a car accident, and I was in the same situation.
At that time I could ask her to accompany me, but who can I ask now?
I walked to a busy street with cars and pedestrians coming and going. I saw the shadows on the ground were stretched out by the street lights. I looked up at the lonely night sky. The cold wind made me shiver. My stomach churned and I bent over to vomit.
I didn't drink, but I felt so uncomfortable.
There is already another person beside her...
She hated me, but she also tried to love me...
I walked into an alley, slid down to the ground, leaned against the wall, two lines of tears rolled down my cheeks, I buried my head in my knees, the alley was very quiet, no one was there, I looked at the black bluestone slabs, stared at the entrance of the alley in a trance, a white skirt fluttered by like a butterfly.
"Xiang Qianlan!"
I could feel her breath, so I stumbled to my feet and chased after her. When I caught up with her, she was startled and trembling all over. I put my hands on her shoulders and dared not move, for fear that I would do something that would disgust her, and she would run away again.
She turned around, her face pale, took a few steps back, and looked at me calmly.
I took back my frozen hand: "I know Auntie is because of me..."
"She is dead."
"Qian Lan..."
My whisper brought her back to her senses. She raised her head and I saw that her lips were tightly pursed and there was an unfathomable sadness in her eyes.
"I can't forgive you for what you did in the past." She looked at me steadily.
"I know. I will make it up to you. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made. I will never make you sad. I will make you the happiest woman. Please don't hide from me. I would rather you hate me and take revenge on me than hide from me..."
"Qi Beichen..."
She looked up, and I seemed to know what she was going to say, and fear came over me. She smiled and whispered, "If it hadn't happened in the rental house, maybe we would have a chance."
"Sun Nuofan didn't do anything to me. In comparison, what have you done to me?"
My whole body froze instantly.
"My promise to date you was fake, you know that? I wish you would die in an accident. I always wonder how miserable you would be if I hurt you with love, but I forgot what happened in the rental house. I would have used Sun Nuofan to hurt you and betray you, but now it's not bad. Sun Nuofan is still willing to be defiled by you."
"Do I... make you so miserable..."
"You ruined me."
"...What exactly do I need you to do to forgive me?"
"I'll never forgive you."
Never Forgive...
Under her gaze, my thoughts went blank. An indescribable chill flowed through my body. My blood froze into ice inch by inch, and all the warmth disappeared without a trace.
Happiness is like fragile bubbles on the sea, which are blown away by the strong wind.
"Are you here to see me?" I asked her stammeringly.
"I came to see how miserable you are, how miserable you are, and how you are dying. I will do my best to make you miserable," she said.
"As you can see, I'm very unfortunate now."
I said calmly that if this could make me feel less guilty, then so be it.
The clouds blocking the moonlight gradually dissipated, and I looked at her. She was standing there quietly, as motionless as a sculpture.
I pray to God to give me a chance.
Xiang Qianlan stood silently in the moonlight, her face as white as a gardenia, her eyes were dark, her lips were bright red, so sad and beautiful. We looked at each other, and time seemed to stand still.
She said something softly.
I watched her walk out of the alley and out of my sight. When I reacted and tried to chase her, the street was crowded with people and she was no longer in sight.
There was a roar in my ears, I held on to the street railing with both hands, and I felt dizzy. It took me a long time to stand still and see clearly where I was.
There is a sentence that rings in my mind like a spell.
"He proposed to me and I said yes."
God didn't give me the slightest chance.
I walked back home in silence and fell on the bed . I hadn't eaten, but I wasn't hungry. The moonlight shone through the screen window into the room and onto my face.
Why did we become like this...
I found the business card and called an Italian number. It was a friend of my mother's, a wedding dress designer. Ever since what happened, I had been planning to have a custom-made wedding dress.
I designed the wedding dress myself. I called him, explained my design concepts in detail, and asked him to make it according to my wishes.
The pickup date is not set, maybe it will be a month, maybe a year, maybe there will be no date at all.
I want to make it up to her, I want to marry her, but do I still have a chance?
A week later, I heard that Xiang Qianlan went abroad to study, and I was slightly stunned.
Normally I don’t pay much attention to entertainment gossip, but I saw in the newspaper unscrupulously writing that Sun Nuofan and Xiang Qianlan were engaged, that Sun Nuofan sent Xiang Qianlan to study abroad, and that their wedding would be held after Xiang Qianlan returned from her studies.
——I came to see how miserable you are, how embarrassed you are, and how you are about to die. I will do my best to make you miserable.
The students were all talking about Xiang Qianlan and Sun Nuofan. Overnight, she seemed to have become the shining star she used to be.
I was lost in thought as I watched the school playground, where the graduated seniors came back to take wedding photos. The girls wore holy wedding dresses and walked on the green grass holding roses, and the boys wore neat suits and walked towards their brides. They were surrounded by cheers and praises.
I stared at them in a trance, just like looking at Xiang Qianlan and Sun Nuofan in the future.
I don't know why Sun Nuofan suddenly wanted to marry Xiang Qianlan, nor do I know what happened between them. Maybe, as Sun Nuofan told me, I pushed Xiang Qianlan to him.
On the playground, the bride and groom hugged and kissed each other amid the shouts of people around them. The bride looked at her friends behind her with a smile, and a girl walked up to her and hugged her.
The onlookers hugged them and sent their blessings.
I stared at them for a moment and found the scene both beautiful and dazzling.
The wind caused the leaves to shake violently, and the swaying light and shadows between the leaves flickered on the ground. I turned around, my hands unconsciously clenched into fists, and walked away with my back to the playground.
Xiang Qianlan, I don’t wish you well.
You will never forgive me, and I will never bless you.
