Chapter 8 I want to say goodbye to my past self
I want to say goodbye to my past self. I want to get to know you again, starting with your name.
Qi Beichen01
Winter is finally over.
All the bad things seemed to be buried in winter. She came back to me. It was almost summer, and the weather was getting hot. She walked towards me in the square, raising her beautiful lips.
But is she really the Xiang Qianlan that I know?
In the sunlight, she was wearing a black miniskirt, with light makeup on her face, her long chestnut hair curled like waves, and her fair skin was almost transparent in the sunlight. She smiled at me lazily, but her eyes were cold.
In the blink of an eye, she was in front of me.
I stared at her blankly, and she stared at me.
I always have a feeling that Xiang Qianlan has become a different person after experiencing a winter. She is no longer a dazzling star, nor is she the thorny Xiang Qianlan of the past. She is now someone I cannot see through.
However, as long as she is willing to start over with me, this is more important than anything else.
"Is it true that beautiful women who have been stars will have different temperaments?" I tried to hold her hand, she frowned and held my hand with her backhand.
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," she said.
I want to take her somewhere.
There was an antique shop on the street. There was a piano that looked like an antique. I negotiated a price with the shop owner and borrowed it for an afternoon. When I brought Xiang Qianlan to the shop, she smiled brightly and said mockingly, "Are you here to show off?"
I pointed to a stool opposite and asked her to sit down.
The dim light in the store shone on her charming face and on the piano keys between my fingers as I played and sang my favorite song. Her eyes, which were shining slightly as she looked at me, were a little sad between her brows.
The sea of suffering stirs up waves of love,
It is difficult to escape fate in this world,
Blind date is unapproachable.
Or I should believe it's fate.
My fingertips played a slightly sad melody. She is my fairy Zixia. I have long wanted to play this song "Love of My Life" for her. I played it for a long, long time until a layer of mist appeared in her eyes and her whole body seemed to be shrouded in sadness.
Are you sad?
Her beautiful skin was coated with a soft glow, my black butterfly, so breathtakingly beautiful that it made me feel heartbroken.
The Xiang Qianlan I know shouldn’t be so fragile. She is a poisonous butterfly. She looks weak but can create a tornado in my life. Perhaps this is the "butterfly effect" in love.
That game when we were young made me lose my heart, and now I want to give her even my soul, but I don’t know why she is worried.
Is she unhappy being with me?
The whole world was silent.
The air became suffocating.
The past flashed by my eyes. This girl was so close to me, but I didn’t dare to ask. I was afraid that all this was fake, an unrealistic dream.
Coming out of the antique shop, we walked quietly. The atmosphere was a bit weird because of the silence.
I slowed down my pace, and she continued walking forward. My eyes fell on her graceful back. I watched her walk past several sycamore trees and a newsstand. I stopped and looked at her back as she left.
Xiang Qianlan, will there be a day when you will leave me behind and disappear just like you do now?
I curled my lips in mockery .
She seemed to be thinking about something. I bought two bottles of water from the newsstand and walked to her side. When she came back to her senses and looked at me, the distant aura around her made it difficult for me to approach her.
She said thank you to me, as if she were a stranger.
I reached out and held her arm, then turned my head to look at her tenderly: "Hey, I'm your boyfriend, can you please not be so polite to me?"
She was stunned for a moment, then nodded gently.
We found a coffee shop and sat down. The sunlight shone in through the floor-to-ceiling glass windows. There were not many customers, so it was very quiet inside.
I drank my coffee boredly.
She lowered her head and quietly flipped through the magazine.
I looked at her carefully, wondering what was wrong with her? Was it because she had been a celebrity and acted in commercials that she looked weird?
"You want to see a hole in me?" She said to me with her hand on the magazine and her chin supported by one hand.
"Ah..." I picked up the coffee cup and took a sip, smiling awkwardly, "It looks good. You said you would go on strike, so you went on strike. Sun Nuofan and the others won't cause trouble for you?"
"I gave back all the money I earned from filming the commercials to them. The merits and demerits offset each other, and Sun Nuofan didn't make things difficult for me." She answered without raising her head.
She began to leaf through the magazine again.
She moved back to her previous place, and now there are very few fans who come to ask Xiang Qianlan for autographs. She was a newcomer, and she suddenly gave up her career when it was just starting. I have never understood why.
I never had her, but it became so easy to fear losing her.
I looked at her with a smile, with obsession and amazement. Thinking of the way Sun Nuofan looked at her, I asked in a hoarse voice with a hint of temptation: "Would you like to move in with me?"
"don't want."
"You lived with Sun Nuofan." I emphasized.
She lives in the same house with Sun Nuofan, and that's what I care about.
"We are not living together, we are in a host and tenant relationship," she said.
"Are you explaining this to me?" I said, smiling.
She just glanced at me and then lowered her head as if nothing had happened.
At this time, a few little boys walked over outside, playing in groups of three or four. One of the boys saw Xiang Qianlan. He looked at her face, a strange light flashing in his eyes, and he pulled the person next to him to whisper.
"Is she Qian Lan?"
"That's her, that's her, my 'goddess'. I heard she's not going to be a star anymore, what a pity."
"Wow, go get her autograph."
Several people's eyes were focused on Xiang Qianlan. They pushed the door open, excited and shy.
I said, "Xiang Meimei is so charming that even after you quit your job, some people still regard you as an idol."
As soon as he finished speaking, the boys came in, pushing each other, and asked cautiously: "Qian Lan, we like you very much, can you sign an autograph for us?"
I turned to look at them and replied, "You have the wrong person."
"No! Qianlan, it's obviously you. He can't be your boyfriend?" A boy looked at me with hostility.
I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, you guessed it right, she is my girlfriend, not the star you know."
Xiang Qianlan shrugged and said to them: "Since my boyfriend doesn't agree, there's nothing I can do."
They made disappointed sounds, looked at Qian Lan a few times, and walked away unwillingly.
"I want to hide you so that no one can see you."
She said sarcastically, "Are you so unsure of yourself?"
I lowered my head and replied, "Yes, I am confident in everything, but you make me feel inferior and uneasy."
This is the truth, she makes me feel uneasy.
In order to find out why Xiang Qianlan had changed so much, I kept an eye on her every move. Unfortunately, there was nothing abnormal about her behavior. She behaved like a competent girlfriend. We went shopping, ate together, and watched movies together, just like ordinary couples.
Apart from that, we didn't have any other intimate actions. She didn't like too much physical contact with me, so I didn't force her.
I know she doesn't love me. What happened between her and Sun Nuofan?
All kinds of suspicions made me unable to sleep or eat. She had at least been attracted to me before, but now she doesn't love me. I can feel that she seems to be under great pressure and has lost her happiness when dating me. Why is that?
One day, when I was shopping in the supermarket near my house, I stopped at the adult products section. Qian Lan walked over and saw me holding a box of condoms in my hand.
The expression on her face made me a little scared. I was a little embarrassed and was hesitating whether to explain or not. I was also afraid that she would misunderstand me. When I was hesitant, she actually picked up another box, threw it into my hand and said, "Use this one. I don't like scented ones."
I was immersed in surprise one second, and the next second I was consumed by anger.
"Xiang Qianlan!" I held her tightly, holding her arm motionlessly, and asked through gritted teeth, " What do you mean by this? Did you and Sun Nuofan, you...you did it?"
"Yes," she said.
Her gaze made me want to run away. I didn't expect that she would really take this step. She sold herself out to Sun Nuofan. What about the previous news? Was it true?
She always knew how to hurt me the most. My mind was in a mess and I lost my mind.
I stared at her with burning eyes: "Are you so cheap? Sun Nuofan doesn't want you anymore, so you want me to pick up the broken shoes? Xiang Qianlan, who do you think I am?"
I clearly didn't want to hurt her with such words, and my heart was clearly aching, but it seemed that only in this way could I feel better. When I thought about how they had made love in a place I didn't know, I just wanted to take a knife and kill that man.
"Xiang Qianlan, what do you think I am? A fool?"
I pulled her out of the supermarket rudely, and of course I didn't forget to buy the box of things that made me upset.
Will you regret knowing me like this?
If one day I hurt you to the point of being completely broken, won’t you regret it...
She warned me that she did it on purpose.
All the good times were gone. No matter how I tried to convince myself, I kept imagining her and Sun Nuofan doing those things. This imagination was almost driving me crazy.
I took her back home, locked the door, and turned on the shower and faucet in the bathroom to cover up the sound of our quarrel. I tried to suppress myself, but I couldn't. I couldn't.
"Qi Beichen, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You are crazy!" Xiang Qianlan was struggling all the way. She wanted to open the door, but I grabbed her wrist. I kissed her roughly, and her tears suddenly flowed down.
"We are a couple and I am exercising my rights!" I roared.
"You are shameless!" she cried out and hit me hard.
I pinched her chin and forced her to look up and look at me: "Why are you crying? Shouldn't I be the one crying?"
"No, no! We didn't! Believe me! I was lying to you, Qi Beichen, I was lying to you just now." She was crying so hard that her whole body was shaking.
"Do you think I will still believe you?"
Maybe my tone was too grim, she couldn't help but shudder, she hit me like crazy. I seemed to want to transfer my pain to her, I hugged her, and we fell on the big bed together.
I began to tear her clothes off frantically, without any mercy. All the tenderness between us disappeared and hatred clouded my eyes.
Xiang Qianlan resisted at first, but later gave up. She stopped crying and looked at the ceiling with empty eyes. In the dim room, heavy curtains blocked the glaring light.
I saw her forbearing eyes, felt her pain almost cramping but she never said a word, she opened her eyes, I don't know what she was thinking. Afterwards, I hugged her tightly and said sorry, hot tears flowed down our faces, I couldn't tell whether they were hers or mine.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
This is the thing I regret most in my life. It deprived Xiang Qianlan of the last bit of hope she had for me. I regretted it after it happened. I should have listened to her explanation, but she was unwilling to even lie to me.
