For a long time, I couldn't tell the difference between dreams and reality.
Sometimes I would sleep after eating, and when I woke up and saw the stars and the sky just turning dark, I would think it was the dawn. I would also listen to music and read books day after day, but I would always read chapters that I had already finished.
In response, Tang Tang said, I am hopeless.
But she couldn't do anything to me after all, after all, she was busy taking professional certification exams. But even so, she still did her best to indulge me and comfort me. For example, she would fill the refrigerator with food before leaving, cook for me as soon as she got back from get out of class, and after dinner, she would sacrifice an hour of reading time and take me to the night market to hang out.
In just a few days, my weight became lighter and lighter uncontrollably, but she gained weight like a balloon.
She was very angry about this, but more than that, she was still worried about me. She often stroked my hair and told me to cry if I was sad, and there was nothing to be ashamed of when I was lying on her large and comfortable sofa reading a book.
I always look at her quietly with a smile and tell her that I can't cry.
Then she would sigh, as powerless as a heavy weight dropping on a ball of cotton.
In a way, I think I am lucky. At least after experiencing the hurt, I still have a true friend who can accept me with open arms.
I still remember that day when I was escorted out of the company by the executive manager. I stood in the dark night and suddenly felt a huge hole in my chest, and every cell in my body was torn with pain.
I walked aimlessly like a homeless ghost for a long time, and finally I mustered up the courage to call Tang Tang.
In fact, we didn't contact each other very often, so when she appeared in front of me without hesitation, I almost, just almost, burst into tears.
But I didn't.
The left side of my cheek was still slightly red, and I didn’t want my uncontrollable tears to add to the shame I was feeling.
When she saw me, she took me back to her home without saying anything. It was a one-bedroom, one-living room, small house full of life. She didn't ask me what happened, but I knew she must know who caused me to become like this.
The incident had a very negative impact on the company, and even a video of it was circulated online. Yu Bing became the focus of the punishment, and I became the "mistress" at the center of public opinion.
In this era of information explosion, my bad reputation spread. But there is a little bit of luck that the uploaded video is not clear enough to see my face.
I wasn't really sad about this incident, I just couldn't stop laughing.
Just simply being by the side of the boy I love, watching him grow from immature and green to mature and strong, has inexplicably turned into an unspeakable guilt.
If I could really seduce Lu Mingyu, I wouldn't be in such a miserable state now.
The administrative manager called me and asked me to rest at home first and that my salary would be paid as usual.
So, I naturally became a parasite living in Tangtang's house. Chen Meihua, who depended on me for food, clothing and daily life, was like a mad patient, calling me again and again, asking me why I didn't go home, even though I had left money for her.
The receiver was very loud and her screams were so loud that Tang Tang could hear all the humiliating words she said to me.
I couldn't stand it anymore and finally hung up the phone.
Then I lay on the sofa like a listless dog, motionless.
Tang Tang came over and gently stroked the back of my head.
At this moment, I realized that the person who stayed with me at my most vulnerable moment was actually my good friend.
It turns out that I have worked so hard for more than 20 years, but still have nothing.
No family affection.
No love.
"Don't go back these few days. I'll buy some things for her. I'm an outsider, she doesn't dare to do anything to me." Tang Tang comforted me gently.
I buried my head in my arms, my eyes wet with tears.
Many times, Tang Tang is right.
Chen Meihua, who was like a lunatic and enjoyed torturing me all day long, chose to accept it all in silence after seeing that the person who cleaned her room and brought her food was Tang Tang.
Naturally, she didn't bother to ask about my whereabouts.
Tang Tang said, "She was on a business trip recently," and brushed the matter aside.
And I can finally heal my wounds in peace in her home.
However, inevitably, Lu Mingyu still came to the door.
It happened that Tang Tang was at home, and she blocked him at the door tightly and didn't let him in to see me.
I don't know what they talked about, or how long they talked. I only know that Tang Tang looked very unhappy when she came back. She put the pot of cooked chicken soup in front of me fiercely, and was angry for a long time before she shouted in a muffled voice, "Let's eat."
She never asked me a single question about it from beginning to end.
That night, the two of us slept on a bed that was only one and a half meters long. She hugged me gently and said, "I've met some nice guys recently. I'll take you to meet them someday." When she saw that I didn't answer, she lay straight, looked at the ceiling, and murmured, "Your current job isn't any good. You might as well quit it."
Afterwards, she fell into a deep sleep and did not speak again.
Early the next morning, after she left, I got out of bed, put on one of her dresses, put on a full makeup, and took a taxi to the company.
Before I made this decision, there were countless voices in my head that opposed me. They asked me, "Are you crazy? If you quit such a well-paid job, what kind of job will you find? Who will support your mother? You don't even have an education, what will you do in the future?"
I certainly don't have a reasonable answer to these questions, but even so, I will stick to my decision.
Because I finally understand that sometimes, self-esteem is more important than anything else.
The resignation procedure was much simpler than I thought, and the administrative director did not try too hard to persuade me to leave, as if she had expected me to leave. However, what I did not expect was that I would receive an extra compensation.
The moment I walked out of the company building, I suddenly felt a sense of relief that I had never felt in the past twenty years. I no longer had to worry about having to be humble because of Lu Mingyu, no longer had to be sad about the gap between him and me and not dare to get close to him, and no longer had to watch him having sex with other girls all day.
It was like a trapped beast that had been freed from its shackles. Even the air around it felt fresh.
Until this moment, I finally realized how correct the decision I made was.
That night, I bought a lot of food and asked Tang Tang to come to my house for dinner. After all, she had taken care of me for so many days.
Tang Tang was very happy and screamed with joy when she learned that I had resigned.
I put down the unwashed vegetables in my hand and quickly covered her mouth.
"Keep your voice down. Ms. Chen doesn't know about this yet. If she knew, she might blame me!"
"Oh, I see." She said in a timid voice, "But it doesn't matter. You will be back to work after a while anyway."
"Not necessarily." I put the vegetables into the pot with a smile, "I have some new ideas recently, but I haven't figured out how to do it yet."
"Okay, you might as well take a good rest for a while and get your body in better shape before going out to work. No matter what you do, I support you." She hugged me with a smile.
"Okay." I stuffed a big piece of chicken into her mouth.
Before Chen Meihua came home from playing mahjong, Tang Tang and I had already prepared a large table of dishes.
As soon as she entered the room, she smelled the aroma of food. She threw her bag aside and asked sarcastically, "Oh, the big shot is back from a business trip, and he prepared a large table of food. That's amazing!"
"Mom, the soup and candy are here." I put the dishes and chopsticks on the table and winked at her.
At this moment, Tang Tang followed me and walked up to her, calling out in a naive manner, "Auntie."
"Oh, the cleaner from last time." She glanced at Tang Tang nonchalantly, deliberately said something irritating, then took out a cigarette and a lighter from somewhere and started smoking recklessly.
Tang Tang's throat feels uncomfortable when she smells smoke. I wanted to stop Chen Meihua, but was stopped by Tang Tang.
"I'm fine." She whispered to me.
But I felt even worse because of this. But I knew that I couldn't show it, otherwise Chen Meihua would stir up trouble and overturn the whole table of dishes.
Dinner started in this lukewarm atmosphere. Chen Meihua ate without paying attention to her manners, making some dishes that were served in good shape look ugly. But fortunately, she didn't seem to want to sit with us. After eating in a hurry, she threw down her chopsticks and went back to her room to play Landlord. She turned up the volume on her computer, as if she was deliberately making trouble.
After she left, Tang Tang and I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. If I had known this, I shouldn't have brought her home for dinner.
"Is she always like this?" Tang Tang asked softly after eating and drinking.
"Well, it's always like this." I smiled bitterly.
A hint of surprise flashed across Tang Tang's face. She turned to look at Chen Meihua's door, then turned back and sighed.
That night, I didn't let Tang Tang stay here. After all, given Chen Meihua's condition, I was really afraid that she would do something crazy.
After sending Tang Tang downstairs and calling a taxi for her, I finally felt at ease seeing her off.
However, I didn’t expect to see Lu Mingyu in such a situation.
At that time, he was sitting on a bench in the community downstairs, his suit jacket draped casually over his arm, and the dim street lights made his face blurry.
When I saw clearly that it was him, my originally calm steps subconsciously became flustered.
He was the person I once wanted to see the most, but now that so many things have happened to me, I don’t know what emotion I should use to face him.
"little stars?"
Faintly, I heard him calling me.
Even though I told myself to pretend that I heard nothing, I couldn't help but stop. I stood there at a loss as if I was under a spell.
He stumbled towards me, and the strong smell of alcohol hit me, mixed with the familiar scent of his perfume.
My heart was beating like a drum, just like when I first met him.
But today, I can never go back to the state of mind I had before.
Lu Mingyu seemed to have finally seen me after waiting for me for a long time. He suddenly grabbed my shoulders, grinned with a drunken smile, and said incoherently: "You finally showed up. I've been waiting for you for a long time. You finally showed up..."
"Why are you so drunk?" I answered the question irrelevantly, frowning as I caught his coat that was about to fall.
"I was talking to some clients today." He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. "I got a promotion."
"Oh, congratulations." I stepped back a little.
His eyes flickered, and after seeing what I did, he looked at me in a daze, his whole body frozen.
"I heard you resigned..."
"Yeah." I nodded.
"I'm sorry... I didn't expect to hurt you like this." He lowered his head slightly, not daring to look me in the face. "Yu Bing's temper is something that even I can't control. It's my fault. I didn't explain this matter clearly to her. It's my fault..."
He began to speak incoherently and raised his hand to hit himself in the face.
"Why are you acting crazy?" I stopped him, and the little emotion in my heart came out uncontrollably. I was the one who was sad, but he made it worse.
At this moment, he clasped my hands behind my back, then suddenly hugged me, holding me tightly.
"I'm sorry, Pei Jixing, I'm sorry... I will never forget the way I saw you that day. I said I would protect you well, but I am always hurting you." He rested his chin on my shoulder, and I heard him sobbing softly.
Unable to stop it, my eyes started to feel sore.
This boy, who had gone through the storm and became extremely strong and indestructible, was crying for me.
"Lu Mingyu..." I tried to comfort him, but was interrupted by him.
"Tang Tang told me the other day that you and Cheng Duo had a big fight because of me. Cheng Duo said something really harsh that made you cry for a long time, but you didn't tell me anything. She targeted you for so long because of me, and you didn't tell me anything!"
"Are you a fool? Ah?" He gently touched the back of my head and finally raised his tear-stained face.
He drank too much, really too much.
Otherwise, how could I, who had never seen him cry, see him cry with my own eyes?
"Are you tired, Lu Mingyu?" I smiled and gently stroked his hair.
"You know, Pei Jixing, I can only feel at ease when I'm with you. Even my mother can't do this. So, I blame myself even more. Why do those people I like want to hurt you one by one when I can't bear to hurt you myself?"
Hearing these words, my heart suddenly felt extremely sour.
Maybe, what he said is really true. I do occupy a very important position in his heart, but this position always conflicts with his love, and even he himself can't handle it well.
Perhaps, it is because our relationship transcends friendship and love that we will always be entangled with each other.
"Pei Jixing, you are still my friend, right? You won't leave me, right?" He came over to me again and hugged me.
For a moment, I couldn't tell whether he was drunk or awake.
He has said this so many times, but even so many times, I still don't understand the meaning of this sentence. Is he unable to see clearly what he is thinking, or is he just greedy for my kindness to him?
No matter what, this sentence is too irresponsible. But I just can't say no to him.
I finally sent him back home.
He had drunk quite a bit, and after telling me all this, he couldn't bear it any longer and vomited.
Ever since I met him, I knew he had a problem. If he really drank too much, he would vomit. After vomiting, he would have to sleep, otherwise he would definitely act crazy for a long time.
The moment I dragged him into the taxi, Tang Tang's angry face flashed through my mind. But Lu Mingyu was lying on my lap, and I couldn't care less. But no matter what, I knew that he had a girlfriend. After sending him home, we had to go our separate ways. This time, I couldn't be soft-hearted.
However, I didn't expect that things would develop in an uncontrollable direction.
I took the key from him, opened the door of the apartment, and after some simple tidying up, I laid him on the bed.
Looking at his sleeping face and trembling eyelashes, I still couldn't bear to leave. I found a blanket and covered him.
But at this moment, he reached out and grabbed my wrist. The warmth of that second made me tremble all over. I turned my head and saw him slightly open his eyes and whispered softly: "Don't go."
"Don't go."
"Don't leave, okay?"
I tried to pry his hands apart, but he was getting stronger and stronger, even sitting up, and hugging my waist tightly from behind as I stared in astonishment. His face was pressed against my back, and the scorching heat came through my thin shirt, and my brain suddenly made a buzzing sound, like a thunderclap.
Before I could fully react, Lu Mingyu pulled me into his arms with force. The next second, he turned over and pressed me down without hesitation.
This series of actions happened in just a moment, but I felt that the whole world had changed dramatically.
Two thin lips smelling of alcohol kissed me rudely.
At this moment, there were only four bloody words in my mind - the sky is falling and the earth is splitting.
Something seemed to explode in my chest, making a series of crackling sounds. At that moment, my brain was somewhat deprived of oxygen.
I reached out my hand to push him away, but he was even more domineering and directly pried my hand away, while his other hand firmly pressed the back of my head. The more I avoided him, the harder he kissed me. I was stuck in his extremely experienced movements and couldn't move at all.
This is wrong.
I swear, I really wanted to push him away.
But how can I resist the strength of a grown man?
After trying to break free in vain, I suddenly remembered how Yu Bing scolded me that day. Maybe she was right.
Before I knew it, my tears were falling, wetting my collar and I couldn't stop.
Perhaps it was because his lips were stained with bitter tears, Lu Mingyu suddenly stopped moving. He looked at my face in confusion and suddenly uttered two words.
"Yu Bing."
The moment I heard these two words, I finally smiled helplessly with tears in my eyes.
His expression gradually became distorted, and I took the opportunity to push him away. He bumped into the corner of the table next to him and let out a low groan.
I sat up, frantically stroking my hair, and then tears began to fall uncontrollably. I could no longer control my emotions and burst into tears.
In all the years I've liked him, I've shamelessly fantasized countless times about how it would feel if he kissed me. I thought I would be so nervous that my whole body would tremble, and so sweet that my body would go limp. But now, at this moment, I don't feel the slightest bit of joy or excitement.
How could there be joy and waves?
He kissed me but called out other girls' names.
After all, he didn't like me. Even if I was willing to stay with him foolishly until the end of the world, I couldn't get into his heart. No matter how shamelessly I stayed with him, it would be useless.
But I realized this so late.