I can't keep being an ostrich. I can't stay away from the dormitory forever.
After saying goodbye to Xu Minyou, I returned to the dormitory holding an umbrella. Wang Sisi and Lu Feifei were doing their own things. They were still the same, but I always felt that something had changed.
Lu Feifei had her bangs trimmed at the barber shop. The bangs that originally covered most of her face were now at the length of her eyebrows. She no longer wore those glasses. In fact, she was not nearsighted at all. Those glasses were just plain glasses.
Wang Sisi glanced at me and continued doing her thing. I took off my outer clothes, which were already wet from the rain.
I subconsciously looked at Guo Jiani's bed. There was no one there. Guo Jiani was not in the dormitory.
I found my clothes and went into the bathroom, turning on the shower. The warm water could dispel the cold and also dispel the emotions that were blocked in my heart.
Wang Sisi came over and knocked on the door. She asked me, "What happened to Guo Jiani? She came back all wet, changed her clothes, and went out happily again. Is she playing tricks again?"
"Sisi, you said that someone always ignores your existence and never pays attention to you. Does it mean that person doesn't care about you at all?" I asked her.
I no longer cared whether Guo Jiani had played tricks or not, because if there was no Guo Jiani, there might have been another girl, and Guo Jiani was just one of them. But no matter which girl it was, it would definitely not be me who would make him stop and look.
Wang Sisi was silent for a moment, then sighed and said, "Lu Nanxi, are you a fool? If you want to know the answer so much, why don't you ask it yourself? What's the big deal? Isn't it just that we can't be friends? It's actually more painful to be friends instead of lovers, isn't it? You have to face the girls who come and go around him, and then sadly find that he changes one after another, but no matter how he changes, the person he chooses will not be you."
Her words were direct, but they could also make people sober up quickly.
"But I don't have the courage to ask." I laughed at myself, "I know you hate girls like me. Not only do you hate me, but I also hate myself for not being frank and brave enough."
"If you hate it, why don't you change it?" Wang Sisi's tone was full of confusion. "Sometimes I really don't understand people like you. You know you are not good, but you are still unwilling to change."
"Because change is not that easy." If it were easy to change, I would also want to change myself, but some people are like this, they know it but never change.
"Okay, this is your own business, I won't say anything, but do you want to give up just like that?" Wang Sisi asked me, "You must really like this person, is it okay to give up so easily like this?"
I have actually been asking myself this question. Should I give up? Is this a good way to give up?
But if you don't give up, nothing will change, right?
What I am best at is to wait quietly, and try hard to pursue and fight for it. I really don't have the courage to do so. I admit that I am really terrible like this, but this is me, this is Lu Nanxi.
After coming out of the bathroom and getting dressed, I lay on the bed, feeling a little hungry. I hadn't eaten lunch, and I didn't have much appetite for dinner. When I passed the canteen entrance, I remembered the scene of Song Yan holding an umbrella and walking towards Guo Jiani. I suddenly felt very depressed, so I didn't eat anything and went back to the dormitory.
I wanted to just sleep, but I was so hungry that I had no choice but to get up again, put on a thick coat, a pair of rain boots, took an umbrella, and left the dormitory, planning to go to the school supermarket to buy some food.
I walked to the door of the dormitory building and unexpectedly ran into Guo Jiani.
She stood with her back to me, with an umbrella over her head. The umbrella looked familiar, and I knew that if I walked a few more steps forward, I would see the owner of the umbrella - Song Yan.
He was still involved with Guo Jiani. Even if Guo Jiani hurt me twice, so what? He and I were just good friends. Even this "good friend" was just a definition he gave based on old classmates and new classmates.
I leaned against the wall. The scene I had been avoiding happened to happen to me.
Guo Jiani came in quickly, but she didn't see me because I had retreated into the water room. I stood there for a while, thinking that Song Yan had probably walked far away, and then I came out of the water room. The rain outside was much lighter, not as heavy as when I came back. It was a little cold outside, so I walked quickly, thinking about buying something delicious and going back early.
However, at this moment, someone suddenly grabbed my arm. I was so scared that I almost dropped the umbrella in my hand.
"Lu Nanxi." Song Yan's voice was so close that my heart skipped a beat. Shouldn't he have left? Why was he here? How did he know I was here? Could it be such a coincidence...
“What are you doing?” I asked in a calm voice. I wanted to pull my hand back, but unexpectedly, he held it very tightly, as if he was afraid that I would run away if he let go.
I laughed at myself in my heart. I had this ridiculous illusion again. How could he be afraid that I would run away?
"I'm going shopping, is there anything wrong?" I continued to struggle.
The smile on his face faded a little, and he asked me, "Why didn't you answer my call?"
"Oh, my phone ran out of battery." I made up a random excuse, "You just happened to call me, and my phone ran out of battery. I thought there was nothing important, so I forgot about it."
"Forgot?" He raised his voice a little, "Where did you go at noon? Why did you leave alone?"
Hearing this, I suddenly wanted to laugh, but then I wanted to cry. I asked him, "So, do you know when I left at noon? You don't know, right? You don't even know when I left, and you can't answer me. Why did you ask me where I went at noon and why I left alone?"
I shook his hand off and walked away. If I continued to face him, I was afraid I would burst into tears.
He quickly caught up with me, walked up to me, and said anxiously, "At noon, I was just... a classmate. I couldn't just ignore you. I thought you would wait for me."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I didn't wait for you this time."
I turned my head and smiled at him, saying, "But you don't need to tell me this. I'm going to go shopping. I'm cold and want to go back to the dormitory early."
He looked at me in astonishment. At that moment, the light from the street lamp fell into his eyes. I seemed to see a trace of fear in his eyes. He seemed to be afraid of something. But it didn't matter. If I was still hesitating before, then when I ran into him sending Guo Jiani back at the dormitory door just now, I no longer hesitated.
I am not Guo Jiani, I am only good at waiting, I am really not good at playing tricks. If I have to use that method to make him see me, then I would rather give up .
No matter how beautiful my fantasy is, it is just an idle thought, like a mirage, which will shatter with the slightest touch.
"Wait a minute!" He ran to me quickly, blocking my way, and said, "Lu Nanxi, I'm sorry."
I looked at him in surprise: "Why did you say sorry to me? I said it's okay, we can still have dinner together next time anyway."
His eyes were deep, as if he was hiding something. He said, "Guo Jiani and I..."
"Whoever you're with has nothing to do with me." I interrupted him calmly, "I'm really fine. It's just a meal. If you feel sorry for standing me up, treat me next time. There's no need to care about these things between old classmates."
I finished speaking and walked away. In fact, he didn't know how hard it was for me to hold back my tears. He thought I only cared about this time. He didn't know that it was not just this time, but many times. I was always the one who was swept by his eyes. There was no me in his eyes, he couldn't see me, so I could only become a decoration, put aside. He could talk freely with anyone, but me - even if he talked about high school, he still couldn't continue the conversation.
This time he didn't follow me. I couldn't hear his footsteps, and I didn't look back. I told myself not to look back and just walk past him, passing by him like passing by any beautiful scenery.
I once looked forward to watching a magnolia rain with him in a school where magnolias were in full bloom, and just treating this rain as the falling of thousands of magnolias.
Goodbye, Song Yan!
goodbye!
I bought some food and returned to the dormitory. Wang Sisi made a face at me and pointed to the bathroom. I heard the sound of water splashing and guessed that it must be Guo Jiani taking a shower.
I shrugged my shoulders to show that I didn't care, poured a cup of water, ate a piece of bread, and felt full. Then I wiped my mouth, took off my coat and went to bed. I grabbed the phone beside the bed, hesitated for a long time, and finally clicked on the text message Song Yan sent me.
He sent me three text messages in total.
The first one: Where did you go? Why can’t I get through on the phone?
Article 2: Sorry, I’ll treat you to dinner next time.
Article 3: Lu Nanxi, why didn’t you answer my call? Where are you?
My tears immediately flowed.
He always gives me beautiful illusions, but then cruelly breaks them.
I buried my head in the quilt, I didn't want anyone to know I was crying. At this time, a text message came in on my phone, I clicked it, it was from Xu Minyou.
He said: "Nanxi, if one day I accidentally forget you, will you forget me soon?"
My heart trembled. Why did he say this?
"I won't forget him. Xu Minyou is a very special person. He is so special that once you know him, you will never forget him." I replied to him.
He quickly texted back: "Thank you, Nanxi, I'm very happy. In your eyes, I am a special person. Can you guess when I first met you?"
The first time he saw me? Wasn't it the time I fell and he took me to the infirmary?
I suddenly remembered that he and I were from the same city. Could it be that he had met me by chance at some point?
"I can't guess." I answered honestly.
"I'll tell you another day. Go to bed early. Good night."
I replied with a "good night", took a deep breath, and told myself not to be depressed, because Xu Minyou was still watching me. How could I let him see me so lost?
Guo Jiani came out of the bathroom, looking very happy. I closed my eyes and pretended not to see her.
I tried to avoid contact with Song Yan, but we were in the same class, and no matter how much I tried to avoid it, I still had to go to class. Now it seems that it was a bad thing for me to apply for the same major as him. At that time, I just wanted to watch him quietly, and didn't even want to attract his attention. Who would have thought that he would notice me on the first day of school.
I tried my best to act normal and greeted him, and he looked the same as usual. I smiled bitterly in my heart. Of course he would be the same. How could my presence affect his mood?
I listened very carefully in that class, more carefully than ever before.
Wang Sisi patted my arm. She couldn’t help but say to me, “Song Yan seems to be looking this way all the time.”
I subconsciously looked over, but he was sitting upright and didn't look at me. I glanced at Guo Jiani who was sitting in front of me, thought for a moment, and said softly, "He's probably looking at Guo Jiani."
"No way, what kind of vision does Song Yan have?" Wang Sisi looked at me incredulously, "Are you really not going to fight for it?"
I shrugged. "It's nothing in the first place, is there any need to fight for it?"
She looked at me helplessly: "Well, since you think so yourself."
She doesn't understand. It's not that I think so, but the fact is that any fantasy cannot defeat the barrier of reality.
Seeing me like this, she no longer tried to persuade me and seemed to have given up completely.
After class, I was about to go to the cafeteria with Wang Sisi and the others to eat, when Dr. Jiang, whom I hadn’t seen for a long time, suddenly appeared out of nowhere and called me politely: “Student Lu, come here for a moment, I have something to tell you.”
Under the curious gazes of Wang Sisi and Lu Feifei, I waved to them and followed Dr. Jiang to the infirmary.
"What's the matter?" I looked at Dr. Jiang in confusion. "Did something happen to Xu Minyou again?"
Doctor Jiang pointed to the inner room. I walked in curiously and saw Xu Minyou lying on the bed, apparently sleeping. I asked in surprise, "What's going on? Why did you bring him to the infirmary again?"
"He suddenly fainted during class, so I went to the classroom and carried him here." Doctor Jiang spread his hands and gave me an innocent look, "This guy is too stubborn."
Being stubborn? I remembered the text message he sent me, in which he asked me if I would forget him if he accidentally forgot me one day.
Did his condition worsen again? But over the past few days, wasn't he slowly adapting to the crowd? Why did it suddenly get worse again?
"How long has he been sleeping?" I asked Dr. Jiang. "Is he in this state dangerous?"
Doctor Jiang's face showed no emotion, and I couldn't tell what was happening to Xu Minyou from his expression. He said, "He seems a little anxious. Autism can't be treated in a hurry, it needs to be treated slowly, but he's too anxious. He wants to adapt to the crowd faster. Did something happen that made him so anxious all of a sudden?"
"What happened?" I had no idea. "No, nothing happened recently."
"That's impossible. Something must have happened, and it has something to do with you." Dr. Jiang said with certainty.
I felt very strange: "Why are you so sure that his emotions can be affected by me? We don't see each other very often. Isn't this strange?"
"What? Don't you know yet?" Doctor Jiang looked at me as if I were an alien. I became more and more confused. What should I know?
Doctor Jiang suddenly laughed: "Really? He will be influenced by you, of course it's because he likes you."
"What?" I stood up from the stool in shock. "Are you kidding? This joke is not funny at all!"
Doctor Jiang spread his hands helplessly: "Xu Minyou is really pitiful. His world almost revolves around you, but you don't even know such an obvious thing that he likes you."
I stood there in a daze. I thought Dr. Jiang was just joking with me, but there was no trace of joking in his tone.
"Why can he only hear your voice, why can he only see your colors, why does he regard you as a safe haven, don't you understand? How slow can you be, girl? Because he likes you. There is an obvious explanation for all these miracles, that is, Xu Minyou likes you, Lu Nanxi." Doctor Jiang finished calmly, "However, this guy will probably never tell you on his own initiative. What he wants to do most is to stand where he can see you and look at you quietly."
There was a sudden sharp pain in my heart.
What he wants to do most is to stand where he can see you and just look at you quietly. He is so similar to me that I can easily understand his sadness and pain. However, I am much happier than him. At least I can see the colorful world and hear everyone's voices, but he doesn't have that. He can't even walk into the crowd.
I really wanted to convince myself that this was just Dr. Jiang's nonsense, but he took out two photos from the drawer and threw them in front of me.
In the photo, Xu Minyou's eyes were hideous and his expression was so painful, he seemed to have completely lost control.
"This is what he looked like the last time he lost control. At that time, I suggested that he forget you, the one who brought him sound and color. But even if it became like this, he still endured it." Doctor Jiang said, "If this is not love, then tell me, what is love?"
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't make a sound, as if I had been deprived of the ability to speak. Just by looking at this photo, I can feel how painful Xu Minyou was at that time. That day, in the warehouse next to the playground, Xu Minyou, who was huddled up and shivering, must have been in the same pain.