Chapter 8 Are You the Right Person? five
"Why didn't you lie?" I shouted at him in a hoarse voice, like a real shrew. "Why didn't you tell her 'I like her' at that time? Even if it was charity, even if it was to lie to her! Why? Why? Is it so difficult for you to say 'I like her'? Do you think that you are sticking to principles and being loyal? Not at all! Haven't you and I known each other for a short time? Didn't you easily say 'I like you' to me? Xu Yun, I would rather you were the kind of playboy who falls in love with every girl he meets and always says 'I like you'!"
I cried so hard that I could hardly breathe. I fell to the ground helplessly. Finally, I couldn’t shout anymore. I could only murmur in a voice that only I could hear: “If that’s the case, if that’s the case, Hexue would n’t…”
"I'm sorry, Xihe!" He leaned over and hugged me tightly, saying softly, "I'm sorry, Xihe."
I was stunned and in a daze for a long time before I realized that he had just called me "Xihe".
It turns out that it has been discovered a long time ago?
I looked at him fearlessly: "You know my name? You know who I am?"
He nodded, pity slowly building up in his eyes.
That cheap mercy stung me and almost made me furious.
I tried to control myself and pretended to be calm and asked him, "When did you know this?"
"After I met you for the first time at Mengsha's birthday party." He smiled bitterly, "Xihe, when you appeared in front of me like that, did you think I had forgotten Hexue? How could that be? Even if I have never liked her, I will never forget her. So, after seeing another 'Song Hexue' at Mengsha's birthday party, I asked someone to investigate you. How could there be such a coincidence in the world? How could there be two exactly the same people? No, in fact, you are not like her. Even if you wear the same clothes as her, have the same name, and try to have a similar figure, you are still not like her. Your delicate facial features cannot be changed, and your stubborn and proud character cannot be changed. Also, the tone of your voice when you speak, and even the flamboyant posture when you walk, are completely different from hers."
"You're wrong. I didn't mean for you to think I was her." I said coldly, "I used Hexue's name, wore her favorite clothes, and tried to gain weight, just to stir up a little guilt in your heart. I just wanted to get your attention."
"I know, you just want to prove that I, Xu Yun, will eventually fall in love with a girl like He Xue." He looked at me and smiled bitterly, "You just want to fulfill He Xue's dream. You just want to fulfill her wish in that way, right?"
I thought I knew him well, but at this moment he left me completely unpredictable: "You know everything? Then why don't you expose me?"
"Why should I expose you?" He turned his head away, his eyes fixed on the sky for a long time, as if he had already seen through this world.
He said: "At first, I let you get close to me just because I felt guilty. Later, later..."
He slowly turned his head to look at me, his face full of pity: "Later, I felt that you were having a hard time. Living like that as another person to atone for your sins was really heartbreaking, Xihe."
Even though these were such hypocritical words, I couldn't stop my tears from falling.
He frowned and reached out to wipe my tears, but I brushed them away. He was not embarrassed, but just sighed and continued, "At that time, I said to myself, let it be, pretend that I know nothing, fulfill your wish, fulfill your wish to help Hexue realize her dream. But later, later, it was not all guilt and heartache. Maybe liking someone is so contradictory! I want you to know that I like you, Xihe, but I am afraid to let you know. Because I know very well that if all the truth comes out, you will leave me without hesitation. How can you like me? You mind Hexue's departure so much, how like me, whom Hexue once liked? I was so desperate, and because of despair, I became cowardly and selfish. I told myself that it was just a name. Whether it was Song Hexue or Song Xihe, what did it matter? The important thing was that the person was by my side! As long as I didn't expose her, maybe she would keep acting, and maybe she would act for a lifetime..."
"Stop talking!" I knew what he was going to say, and I interrupted him almost by shouting, "Why do you feel sorry for me and sympathize with me? I don't need your sympathy. Do you think I will be moved by you? Xu Yun, I tell you, you deserve everything you've suffered, and I deserve it even more. I don't need anyone's sympathy, not at all ."
I didn't want to cry, but the tears kept flowing uncontrollably.
I wiped my tears vigorously, not wanting him to see my fragility. In Song Xihe's dictionary, there was never the word "fragile", only "dare to do and dare to take responsibility".
If you do something wrong, you have to bear the consequences, right? Is it hard to atone for your sins? What's the point of working hard? He Xue will never come back!
Even if everyone in the world forgives me, I will never forgive myself.
Thinking of this, tears welled up in my eyes again.
"Xihe, Xihe..." He called my name softly, so nervous that he didn't know what to do. He stretched out his hand halfway to hug me and then hesitated and retracted it, as if I was a transparent bubble that would disappear as soon as he touched me.
"Xihe, if there should be someone to atone for his sins, that person should be me!" He lowered his head and looked into my eyes, his face full of determination and resolve.
He said: "I was the one who rejected Hexue, I was the one who made her sad, I was the one who caused the final outcome, and I am the one who should atone for my sins! What does it have to do with you? Xihe, please don't embarrass yourself anymore, okay? Let me bear all this alone! I know that you are Hexue's only friend. If Hexue knew that you were embarrassing yourself like this, she would be sad in heaven too!"
"No, I'm not her friend. I'm not worthy of being her friend. What do you know? You don't even know how she died." I screamed and beat my chest hard, as if only this could make me feel better.
Eventually, I felt short of breath and my chest ached.
I murmured weakly: "You have no idea, the rain is so cold, how scared she must be alone..."
"Xihe, Xihe, don't be like this." Xu Yun hugged me tightly and patted my back gently, "I know, I know everything..."
I let him hold me and stopped struggling, as if all my strength had been used up.
I heard my own voice, low and hoarse, mumbling: "No, you don't know, you don't know, at that time..."
At that time, if I had not cruelly said to her, "You are not my friend. I don't let others look down on my friends like this time and time again", would she not have been so desperate to confess her love?
At that time, if I had not said decisively, "Okay, Song Hexue, go ahead and embarrass yourself, I won't stop you. But if you are rejected and hurt, don't cry and don't come back to me", would she still come back to stick to me as usual after being hurt outside, and with just an encouraging look from me, she would be able to revive and continue to be a happy fool?
"At that time, if I had pushed through the crowd, rushed over to hold her hand, and faced the ridicule and insults with her, what would have been the ending?" I raised my head, looked at Xu Yun blankly, and said those words that I already knew, "If I hadn't said those words, if I had walked over to stand with her, she wouldn't have left alone, heartbroken, wouldn't have fallen into the river in despair, and wouldn't have been washed away by the flood..."
"But what did my 'only' friend do that day? The rain was so cold that day, and she was surrounded and mocked by a group of people. Do you know? Her figure was so lonely, her eyes were so helpless, but when she was most desperate and helpless, I left her the coldest back in the world. Just because of that ridiculous self-esteem that was afraid of being laughed at, I turned around so decisively, leaving her alone and helpless. When she was most helpless and desperate, her only friend actually despised her for bringing shame to herself, and turned around and left decisively. How cruel is this? It was me, I made her feel that the world was cold and ugly, I personally pinched out the only hope in her eyes, how could I be her only friend? I am not her friend at all, I am her murderer."
I thought of the last look He Xue gave me, and it felt like a huge hole had opened up somewhere in my heart, and it hurt so much that I could hardly breathe. After the severe pain, I felt relieved.
I finally dared to admit the fact, to admit that I was the murderer who killed He Xue. I finally understood that I had hated Xu Yun so much because I thought that I could ignore my own actions and put all the responsibilities aside.
