At the beginning of winter, after taking the accounting exam, I went to check the results. I missed the mark by two points in one subject, so I failed miserably.
You see, God will not favor those who lack ability.
Shen Xingmo has endured a lot during this period of time. I looked at his chin and saw blue stubble. I bought him a razor. On the thin and fair face of this gentle boy, I saw a light called strength .
But fate loves to play jokes on me. Before we even start, we are torn apart by reality.
Shen Xingmo's uncle rushed back from abroad and learned about Aunt Shen's condition. He wanted to take them to a good place for treatment. When he told me about this, his head almost buried in his collar. I knew how helpless he was.
I patted his back gently, coaxed him, and said it was okay and I would wait.
Just when we were feeling melancholy about the future, a phone call from Lin Jingxiang completely overturned my life. When I received her call, it was Shen Xingmo who reminded me that in order not to disturb Aunt Shen, I turned off the sound of my phone when I entered the hospital.
I helped him peel an apple. Shen Xingmo saw that the phone I threw on the table was flashing, so she took it and put it in front of me.
As soon as the call was connected, Lin Jingxiang's screaming curses hit my eardrums.
"Why don't you come back? You left the gas tank unturned, something's wrong with Mom—"
The apple in my hand fell to the ground, my head buzzed, and without even bothering to say hello, I stumbled out the door. Lin Jingxiang's voice on the phone was so loud that Shen Xingmo must have heard everything.
He ran out after me, and I got anxious and grabbed him: "What are you doing! Aunt Shen needs someone to take care of her!"
"I told the nurse, let's go this way, quickly." Shen Xingmo pulled me to run up the middle stairs. We didn't dare to delay for a moment. We ran to the side of the road, stopped a car, and returned to Tonghua Community without stopping.
When passing by my house, the door and windows were open, and the flowers and plants on the ground were trampled into a mess. I didn't have time to go home to check the situation, so I rushed directly to the health center that Lin Jingxiang mentioned.
Lin Jingxiang was wearing an orange sweatshirt and carrying a black shoulder bag. She stood in front of the operating room door, as anxious as an ant on a hot pan, running around in circles.
As soon as she saw me running towards her, she came over fiercely, grabbed my ears, and pulled me to the side: "You want to kill her, huh? Did you know? The gas tank was not turned off, and Mom went to the King of Hell and almost died!"
"I should have asked her to live with me! I'm sorry for having to deal with you, a heartless person!"
"You didn't know to turn off the gas tank after using the gas stove? You've wasted all these years of studying. You're blind!"
I didn’t hear what Lin Jingxiang said afterwards. My ears were almost twisted off by her. Shen Xingmo pulled her indignantly, “She didn’t mean to do that. You hurt him!”
"Who are you? Is it your turn to meddle in my family affairs?" Lin Jingxiang got furious and pulled my ears with more force, as ferocious as if Qin Fangrui was possessed.
I said nothing, knowing I was in the wrong, and let Lin Jingxiang vent. I don't remember when she let go, but she suddenly started crying at the top of her lungs, and I couldn't control myself, and tears kept flowing down.
It's not just the pain in my ears, it's also because of my own fault.
If Qin Fangrui were still alive, he would definitely kill me.
Lin Jingxiang kept wiping her face with one hand, her hands were full of tears. I didn't dare to move, staring at the three big red words "In Surgery".
She just said that Qin Fangrui almost died, and was almost killed by me.
This was the first time in my life that I felt that my life and hers were connected as one. The person who gave birth to me and raised us almost died in my hands in the early winter of that year.
Qin Fangrui survived, but her throat was severely damaged and she could hardly speak. We learned about the situation from the doctor, and he said it depends on her recovery. Maybe she will be able to speak tomorrow, or maybe she will never be able to speak again.
These situations were brought to me by Lin Jingxiang.
Qin Fangrui woke up on the second day of hospitalization. According to Lin Jingxiang, his face was as pale as a dead person, and his eyes were staring out the window all day long. He didn't cry or make a fuss, which was disturbing.
I didn't dare go in to see her for three days. Apart from lingering at the door and taking a look at her through the window when she was asleep, I didn't dare to appear in front of her at all.
I recalled the whole story. Qin Fangrui lost money playing cards and went to bed early. In the evening, I made corn and pork ribs soup for Shen Xingmo and left in a hurry, forgetting to turn off the gas. The gas tank in our house is aging, and even if it is turned off, it will leak a pungent smell, not to mention that I turned it on so high.
If the neighbor hadn't come to Qin Fangrui to borrow soy sauce, the consequences would have been disastrous.
I didn't want Shen Xingmo to know the truth and blame himself like me, so I just said that I forgot to turn off the shower. Seeing Shen Xingmo constantly looking at his watch, I ignored his words , stuffed him into a taxi, and asked him to take care of Aunt Shen.
I have to bear the consequences of my own sins.
Lin Jingxiang has her own job and even took out a loan to buy a red sports car. She has to go to work and cannot stay in the hospital for a minute, so the burden of serving Qin Fangrui falls on me.
But she didn't listen to me at all and tried her best to go against me.
I don’t know if every sick person likes to smash things. Qin Fangrui threw everything he could at hand at me, but fortunately it didn’t cause any substantial harm to me.
The nurse said that if Qin Fangrui didn't eat anymore, her condition would worsen.
I brought a bowl of millet porridge, which was almost cold, to her and wanted to feed her.
Qin Fangrui suddenly lost her temper. She snatched the bowl and smashed it on my forehead. The warm porridge and blood flowed down my cheeks. My hand was still feeding her. Qin Fangrui babbled and uttered the syllables forcefully, as if she wanted to eat me alive.
She suddenly pounced on my face and grabbed my hair with her claws and teeth like a madman. I didn't dodge and she shook my body back and forth, making me dizzy.
She suffered as much as I did because of what I did to her.
A nurse who came to check on the ward screamed, and two people rushed in and pressed Qin Fangrui hard on the bed. They took out a syringe and started injecting her arm. Qin Fangrui's struggle became much weaker, and her eyes filled with hatred made me feel sad.
"Are you okay?" A kind nurse handed me a tissue and asked me to see a doctor, worried that I might have some problem with the hit on my head.
"It's okay, thank you." I walked to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and washed my face vigorously. There was a short cut on my forehead, but after flushing with cold water, the amount of bleeding was very little.
I looked at my pale face in the mirror and laughed at myself. I was really afraid that one day Qin Fangrui would poison me and make me mute. Because I had to stay with him, I brought some clean clothes in my bag. I changed my dirty clothes in the hospital toilet.
She smashed the porridge, so I had to go downstairs to buy one. As I paced in the cold wind and looked around, I saw Chen Jinmo's anxious face.
I really don't want him to see me in such a state.
God couldn't hear my prayers. Chen Jinmo walked straight towards me, grabbed my hand and left. I was still making porridge, but Chen Jinmo didn't listen to me and forced me into his car and locked the windows.
"Are you crazy? I have things to do, why are you crazy!" I was so angry that I didn't know where to put my hands and feet, and I punched his car hard.
I don't know why, but I felt extremely upset. I knew he might have heard about my situation and came to me, but I didn't want to have anything to do with him. He has been disrupting my life. Finally, I decided to live for myself, and now he comes to bother me again.
Fine snowflakes fell outside the car window, and the dim lights shone on the wide and quiet road.
It’s funny that every time I have an argument with him, it either rains or snows.
This is already my fourth winter away from him.
If you ask me to swear, I can’t say whether I wanted to propose a relationship with Shen Xingmo out of sincerity or out of selfishness.
I urgently need a reason, a person, to help me fight the panic this person brings to me.
He is a ferocious hunter, and I am like a frightened prey fleeing in panic. The gap in strength is too huge. I am afraid of him, I am afraid of falling in love with him, and I am even more afraid of being trapped in an emotional maze with him and Shen Xingmo, which would result in all three of us suffering.
I was barely surviving in the breath of fate, and was ready to accept the boy named Shen Xingmo, but he told me that he could no longer accompany me.
"Lin Jingyuan." Chen Jinmo's face was so gloomy that I immediately dared not breathe.
"You've been working for that man all the time? And you even caused your mother to go to the hospital? Why didn't I know before that you have such ability? It's amazing." His words poured salt on my already festering wound.
"Put me down." I raised my head and said in a bad tone.
"You fell in love with him, didn't you? That time at the exhibition hall, he carried you back, and you fell in love with him, right ?" He poured out a jar of old memories, leaving me speechless.
"When Lin Jingxiang and I had a fight and broke up, you eavesdropped on our conversation. I knew everything about it. I also saw that boy putting his arm around your shoulder." He was simply unreasonable.
"Aren't you also arm in arm with me!" I yelled without thinking.
After the roar, we all fell silent.
But at this moment, he reached out his hand and grabbed my wrist. The warmth of his touch made me tremble all over. I turned my head and narrowed my eyes slightly, murmuring weakly: "Why not me?"
"I was just a little late."
"why it's not me."
"Stop it." I tried to pry his hands apart, but his strength grew stronger and stronger, until he grabbed both of my wrists.
Before I could react, the seat was suddenly reclined and I lay down. I kicked my legs to get up, and the next second, he turned over without hesitation and pressed me down.
The cool, thin, and eager lips conquered my mouth, a raging fire burned in my chest, and my head made crackling sounds like frying beans.
My brain was a little lacking in oxygen. I reached out to push him but couldn't. He was overwhelmed by anger, and one hand skillfully climbed up my neck and even unbuttoned my shirt rudely.
My heart sank and tears streamed down my face. I pushed him, pulled him, grabbed him, and bit him with all my strength, but he was crazy, really crazy.
He roughly tore open my coat and pulled off several buttons of my shirt. My chest suddenly felt cold. I bit him hard with my teeth. My mouth was filled with the smell of blood. I didn't know whether it was his blood or mine.
Perhaps the smell of blood stimulated his reason, Chen Jinmo suddenly shuddered all over and almost sat up from me. He looked at me blankly, looking at my shirt that was about to be torn by him and a large area of ​​exposed skin, and suddenly slapped himself.
"Yuanyuan..." After an unknown amount of time, he grabbed his hair and tried to help me button my clothes with trembling hands, but he pulled out the most crucial button, and the clothes could not be closed no matter how hard he pulled.
The white skin and cold air reminded us of what had just happened.
I held it back, I tried so hard to hold it back, until my teeth were about to break, but I still couldn't help crying. I kept my voice very low, I didn't want him to hear it at all. But we were in such a small car window, and my crying still had nowhere to hide.
"Listen to me, I'm not... I'm a bastard! I'm a son of a bitch!" He grabbed his hair in annoyance and banged his head on the steering wheel, making the horn beep loudly, which was harsh and unpleasant.
I was like a rag doll that had lost its soul. I silently covered my shirt and zipped up my coat to my chin.
It was the coldest time of the year, and it was very quiet outside. Snowflakes were gently falling from the sky, watching our show. The trees were covered with white gauze, and the ground was spread with a thick white quilt. The world covered with ice and snow was exceptionally enchanting.
My cell phone rang at this moment. It fell to the ground due to the large movement just now. The three words "Shen Xingmo" on the screen were like a long needle, piercing my skin and my body. I suddenly lost the strength to answer the call.
Chen Jinmo also saw it, but he didn't say anything. He bent down to pick up the phone at my feet and held it in front of me in a flattering manner. I didn't want to take it, and my heart was filled with grief.
Both he and I were absent-minded. After waiting for the long ringing to stop, the car fell into silence again.
"If you're angry, just say it. If you want to hit me, do it. Don't keep silent. It makes me feel bad to see you like this." He couldn't stand the depressing silence and looked like he was ready to go to the execution ground.
"Oh, sure." I agreed without thinking . After all, no matter how angry I was, it would not change the shame of being almost humiliated by him.
"Are you serious—" He raised his eyebrows in surprise, looking completely relieved, but I interrupted him, making his expression extremely dramatic.
"You want to die? Will you?" My voice sounded as cold as the air. I doubted that the calm and vicious female voice was my own. "No way. So, Chen Jinmo, why can't you live better?"
Hearing this, he looked at me in disbelief. He had never seen me like this before. He froze in surprise and his hands slipped weakly from the steering wheel.
I heard my own cold voice coming out of my chest: "Chen Jinmo, do you know what it feels like to like someone you can't be with? You want to let go but can't. His words can determine your mood for the whole day. You will like anything he is interested in. You have no right to be jealous. Even when you are angry, you have to control the degree, afraid that he will run out of patience and turn away. There is always a little sweet fantasy and a little fearless recklessness, but in the end you still have to sober up and face the reality."
"If you like that kind of person, you need to carefully maintain the status quo, hoping that nothing will change, never hoping that we can be together, it's fine just like this, years later the estrangement may be due to time, distance and other reasons, instead of awkwardly avoiding each other when you meet again so as not to bother the other person, this kind of distance is fine now, as long as I wait until I get home and turn off the lights, he will appear in my dreams again." Maybe because my emotions have stabilized, I spoke coldly about these past feelings.
The look in his eyes as he looked at me gradually revealed confusion. No matter how hard he thought, he could not truly understand the emotions that were entangled in my heart.
"Do you remember when we were little and drank beverages? The first thing we did was to twist open the bottle cap to see if we had won a prize. You and Lin Jingxiang threw away the bottle after scratching the word 'Thank you', but every time I scratched the word 'Thank you', I would not let it go until I had scratched 'Thank you for your patronage' cleanly."
I would waste time on something that had no chance of success, always believing that there was a miracle in the cracks of reality.
Chen Jinmo is the bottle cap in my hand. Although I knew the ending from the beginning, I was reluctant to let go too early.
"Now that I think about it, my stupidity is the result of accumulation over time. I have reaped the fruits of my own action. Therefore, I have always been the one having a hard time." My face was reflected on the car window. Thinking about it this way, I was indeed like that, like a fool who played with fire and got burned.
At the same time, Chen Jinmo raised his eyes and fell on my hair. He saw my pale lips and turned off the heating. Oh, my internal organs felt suffocated. My heart was cold and could not be warmed.
Chen Jinmo, how should I tell you that I don’t even want to look at you now?
I returned to the downstairs of the hospital. Shen Xingmo was breathing hot air, rubbing his hands, and pacing back and forth in the cold wind. He was wearing a fat gray down jacket, his neck shrunk into the collar because of the cold. From a distance, he looked like a cute grizzly bear.
After buying a new bowl of porridge, I walked up a step. When he saw me, he quickly went down the steps and ran to me.
"Why don't you answer the phone? I'm so worried."
"I—" I wanted to say something, but couldn't. After a while, I raised my head and said, "Have you been waiting for me for a long time?"
"More than an hour." He nodded, his face red from the high altitude.
I looked at his eyes as dark as ink, and suddenly felt a little distressed. I smiled helplessly to hide the desolation in my heart. He mentioned the porridge I bought, took a look, and asked, "Did you go buy porridge?"
"Well, she can only drink porridge now." I said lightly.
"What do you mean, can't she just call me mom?" He looked into my eyes, very sincerely, and when he saw my expression change, he raised his hands in surrender, "OK, OK, I won't ask."
Who wants to be hostile to Qin Fangrui forever? I had planned to make more money after graduation. Maybe once she is happy, she will be merciful and treat me well. This is not impossible.
But this "gas poisoning" incident completely shattered my fantasy.
It's good enough if you don't hate me.
In the car before coming here, Chen Jinmo was probably moved by my words and let me out of the car dejectedly. He said he needed to think about it carefully. I don't understand why he chose me when there were so many people waiting to throw themselves at him.
Many things are wrong and they are wrong. I have no regrets, nor do I expect perfection.
I also really hoped that when I felt wronged and upset, there would be someone standing behind me, telling me how to fight against it, and telling me that with him around, I don’t have to be afraid of anything.
But at that time, Chen Jinmo did not show up.
In the past, there seemed to have never been such a moment in my life. When I needed someone, the person who should be there was not there. I faced it all by myself, and I was always the only one standing here.
So I became the unlikable person I am now.
He held my hand, and when he saw me come back to my senses, he smiled like a child.
"What are you thinking about? Come on, let's go inside. It's windy outside, don't get cold." He held my hand and looked at it over and over again. "Do you have frostbite?"
"Well, it happens every year, and it's not serious." I looked at those dark red spots and thought it was no big deal. My hands and feet would itch and get frostbite in the winter, but they wouldn't fester or ulcerate, so I never told anyone.
"Nothing is serious. It will be too late when it becomes serious. How can I feel at ease if you can't take care of yourself?" Shen Xingmo took me to the pharmacy outside to buy medicine. He originally wanted me to see a doctor in the hospital. Qin Fangrui's hospitalization has emptied my savings. I am not so squeamish as to waste this money.
I insisted on paying, and Shen Xingmo almost got angry. I had no choice but to put the crumpled bills into my wallet. He listened to the store owner's instructions without getting annoyed, and I almost yawned.
After so much trouble, I returned to Qin Fangrui's ward. She fell asleep. She was quiet only when she was asleep. The rest of the time, she enjoyed torturing me.
Fortunately, my bangs were thick and long, covering the wound on my forehead caused by Qin Fangrui, so Shen Xingmo didn't find it. At around one o'clock, Lin Jingxiang came to replace my shift. Shen Xingmo was worried that it was not safe for me to go back alone, so she sent me back home.
This year, because Qin Fangrui was hospitalized, we didn't celebrate the New Year and owed a lot of debts. Qin Fangrui felt at ease and enjoyed the care of Lin Jingxiang and me like a lady, and didn't feel sorry for the expenses.
Her face towards Lin Jingxiang is always sunny and bright, but when it's my turn, it immediately turns cloudy to overcast, and then overcast to heavy rain. I have become accustomed to being abused by her every day.
I worked on the graduation project that the school asked me to hand in over to my tutor over two nights. Graduation was actually very simple. In March, I moved all my books and belongings back home, and everything felt unreal.
Some students who were unwilling to leave so early would stay until the last day of June, the day Tian Ye decided to go back to her hometown. The dormitory was empty except for a floor full of garbage, so she organized a dormitory party.
Tian Ye ordered a Sichuan spicy maocai restaurant. She said that a hurried farewell was suitable.
After the three of us sat down, Guan Qianqian arrived late. Her temperament was even more outstanding. She was wearing a white lace long skirt with a denim Her hair was slightly curled and pinned behind her head with a hairpin.
As beautiful as a white lotus.
When Xu Xiaoran heard my praise, she picked up the big spatula and stirred the steaming hot pot vigorously, snorting coldly: "Venerable Saint White Lotus, I won't see you again, I'm so happy, hahahaha."
I finally told Xu Xiaoran the truth about my fall. When I was in the hospital, she kept chattering in my ear, cursing Guan Qianqian for being so cruel and saying that she would get her comeuppance sooner or later.
The dinner was quite pleasant. If Xu Xiaoran hadn't sat too close to Guan Qianqian and deliberately ate the food and drank the soup in a rude manner, causing Guan Qianqian to want to leave again and again, we would have ended the dinner quite successfully.
While Xu Xiaoran was eating hotpot, she drank a large bottle of ice drink and had diarrhea, so she ran to the bathroom. We waited for her to come out because we were going to go sing together in the evening.
Tian Ye is a smart man. Seeing that Guan Qianqian and I hadn't said a word the whole night, he left under the pretext of going for a walk outside.
Guan Qianqian and I were left at the dinner table. The soup in the pot was boiling next to my ears. Guan Qianqian put down her chopsticks gracefully and glanced at me.
I said, “Long time no see.”
She replied: “I don’t want to see him.”
For people who are incompatible with each other, even talking to each other is a torture.
"Lin Jingyuan, do you know why I came to this crappy school?"
I pretended to be interested and continued her question: "I don't know."
"He is the son of my parents' business partner. My dad gave me a bunch of photos and asked me to pick a suitable one to date. Chen Jinmo is so handsome that I fell in love with him at first sight, so I came here." Her tone suddenly became high. "I want to ask why you are so sure that Chen Jinmo will pursue me? Lin Jingyuan, do you know what you are not as good as me? It's confidence, beauty, and background. If I want to get close to a man, as long as I appear within his sight, he will definitely take the bait. Do you understand? Can you?"
Surprisingly, I didn't feel angry at all. There was a kind of damn sense of superiority in what she said, but now it has no effect on me.
"He and I have nothing to do with each other anymore. You don't have to keep trying to deal with me." I suddenly felt tired of this childish game. I just watched her speak eloquently and say words that stimulated me.
"I heard that your mother is sick? Why? Now is a good time for you to act pitiful and obedient. Chen Jinmo must be worried about you, right? You are a girl, and you have been around him for so many years without any status. Isn't he annoying? Are you cheap?" I satisfied her imagination of an "imaginary enemy" and let her speak her mind.
Guan Qianqian has definitely never been under pressure from society. The days when she had no money to pay for water and electricity, the days when she didn't turn on the air conditioner to save money, and the days when she had to beg relatives for help in order to raise medical expenses, these are the true appearance of life.
In the past, I might have cried over such words.
But now, I suddenly feel a little sympathy for her who grew up in an ivory tower. She is like a flower that has never been ravaged by wind and frost. Unless she has no worries about food and clothing all her life, once she loses her protection and is thrown into the society, she, as innocent as she is, will disappear without a trace.
Thinking of this, the corners of my eyes curved and I actually smiled gently.
It turns out that I am not a good person either. Our sense of superiority comes from different environments and mindsets. People who wear shoes laugh at people who are barefoot for their poverty, and people who are barefoot sympathize with people who wear shoes for their lack of freedom.
It's just a different stance.
It is precisely because I understand that Guan Qianqian is just an insignificant wave in the long tide of my life that she no longer poses any threat to me.
The world I want to conquer is still an unfathomable ocean.
It is turbulent, changeable and unpredictable.