The meaning of two roses represents that there are only two of us in this world.
"Thank you." I quickly took it and put it aside. There were too many surprises tonight and I didn't know how to face him.
At this moment, I finally understood what that fearful, nervous, sour and wet feeling really meant. It was impossible to say that I had no feelings for Shen Xingmo. I was just afraid that I would fall hopelessly in love with him. What would I do if he had had enough of the novelty and left when I had him in my heart?
Perhaps we were too eager for freedom, we ate and talked, and accidentally forgot the time. The cold wind blew the plastic bag in front of us. The bottle was empty, and I put the rose in it.
"Oh no, the mall is closed." Shen Xingmo looked at her watch and stood up from the ground in shock. I was not so nervous anymore. Perhaps when I started to trust someone, my guard would be lowered.
"I'll go see if the door is locked." Shen Xingmo said as he ran towards the corridor entrance and disappeared into the darkness.
I spread out the remaining newspapers and lay on the ground with my hands as a pillow. So this is what it feels like to be unrestrained. I fell in love with this feeling and didn't even want to leave.
Countless stars are shining brightly, like silver lamps. The dark blue sky is like a big pot shining above my head. The twinkling stars remind me of Shen Xingmo's smile.
When Shen Xingmo smiled, he liked to purse his lips, his eyelids slightly drooped, and his eyes were wandering, as if he was thinking about something. When he smiled happily, his bright eyes curved into crescents, and the corners of his mouth were raised with a large arc, sometimes revealing two small canine teeth.
There were footsteps in her ears. Shen Xingmo lowered her head like a child who had done something wrong: "A Yuan, the door is locked... I didn't mean to..."
"I know." I knew he didn't mean to delay until this time. I knew he just wanted to give me an unforgettable birthday. The phone showed that it was almost dawn.
I pointed to the brightest star in the sky, and Shen Xingmo looked in the direction I pointed.
"There was once a person who was like a star in the night sky in my life. I could only watch him from afar." I pointed my finger at my heart, with a slightly cold breath, "The distance between here and the star is immeasurable."
"Is she still watching now?" He asked me with his head down, stars flickering in his eyes.
I nodded gently: "It is so dazzling, how can it not be fascinating."
"Why are you so stupid? If that star is too bright and too far away, she will move her gaze away from that star and look somewhere else." Shen Xingmo coaxed me, as if she saw through my thoughts, and smiled slyly, "For example, I am willing to be a faint dark star in the sky. Although not as dazzling as the one in her heart, I will accompany her to the beginning of the universe, the annihilation of the stars, and I will never leave until I die."
He stretched out his hand and told me to get up with a reproachful tone in his voice: "Come on, the ground is cold, you will get sick if you lie down."
He pulled me up and I fell into his arms. I took a step back and he hugged me tightly, burying his head in my shoulders. His tone was a little weak and defeated: "Don't push me away. I'll hold you for a while, just a while."
The coldness of the night wind was not as heartbreaking as his words. He seemed to be tired and hugged me sullenly without saying a word. Only his shallow breathing could be heard.
The game between him and me was like a game of cat and mouse. In order to survive, I tried every possible way to escape, and he tried his best to catch me in order to survive. In the end, the cat was tired, and the mouse was tired too.
The silence lasted so long that I thought he was asleep.
I shrugged and called softly, "Shen Xingmo?"
"Hmm?" He let go of my shoulders and moved his face closer without warning. For a moment, he was so close that I could see his long eyelashes and the excitement in his pupils.
"actually, I……"
The unfinished words were drowned in his affectionate kiss. My breath became hot. His tongue slid into my mouth, greedily plundering my breath. My eyes were misty and watery, my face flushed, and tiny beads of sweat emerged from the tip of my nose.
He lowered his head and kissed my lips. All words became unnecessary. He gently wrapped his tongue around my tongue. I trembled slightly as I endured his love and pain. My eyelashes became wet unconsciously.
I was numb all over from his kiss, my head was dizzy, I forgot to struggle, my face and hands didn't know how to move, he held the back of my head, pecked my slightly cold lips, and whispered tenderly: "Ayuan, I love you."
Shen Xingmo is a kind of medicine, it is hard to tell whether it is my poison or antidote. But if I could faint at this moment, maybe I would feel better. In fact, I really fainted.
When I woke up, my fingers could move. Shen Xingmo held my hand tightly and pinched my philtrum. We returned to the corner of the corridor, where there was a shabby sofa. He hugged me, his face pale because of me scaring him.
He also took the two roses in the vase and placed them on the windowsill. The petals trembled in the wind.
"You scared me to death, do you know that?" He pulled his hand away, touched my forehead, and looked into my eyes with self-blame, "You made me look like an unforgivable villain."
"It could be anemia and arrhythmia." I felt a little embarrassed. I looked at his handsome profile and held my breath. Suddenly, I felt very happy to be loved by him.
I fainted once when I was fourteen. I was doing exercises after my morning run and fainted on the playground. This is what the doctor said when several classmates sent me to the infirmary.
"Arrhythmia? You ?" Shen Xingmo laughed, but soon he understood what I was trying to hide, and his tone went up a few notches. "A Yuan, you're not like me, falling in love with me without realizing it, are you?"
"What nonsense." I hit his arm, but my arm was so soft that I couldn't muster any strength.
Suddenly there was a crackling sound outside the window, they hit the glass window, and I saw it was raining. Shen Xingmo moved from my left to my right, blocking the wind. I was dizzy and couldn't get out of his arms, so he hugged me up.
"Be quiet, you're not that big, it hurts my hand." He panted and pushed the hair covering my eyes to the side. I twisted my neck and raised my head, and my ears were exposed from the long hair. I was startled and looked at him defensively and aggrieved. I reached out to cover my left ear and said in a fragile voice, "Don't look."
His eyes were full of love. He reached out and stroked my left ear, saying softly, "A Yuan, I'm sorry..."
"You've apologized, I forgive you." My strength gradually recovered, and I stood up from his arms awkwardly, combed my hair, sat on the sofa, and looked at the heavy rain outside with worry, "Is there no other way to get out?"
"The building is entirely controlled by electronic locks and closes at 11:30 sharp. We have to wait until 5 a.m. tomorrow before someone opens the door," he said dejectedly.
"We call the police?" I looked at him innocently.
"Do you think the police are in charge of everything?" Shen Xingmo glanced at me with a smile, stood up and closed the window a little. There was no air conditioning in the corridor, and it exuded a stuffy smell.
"Are you scared?" He took out all the food in the bag, leaving only a few bags of biscuits and a piece of chocolate. He handed the chocolate to me and I shook my head.
"I'm not afraid." I hugged my knees and curled up on the sofa like a kitten. My cell phone was out of battery and turned off. The time on his watch showed 1:30 in the morning. I forced myself not to doze off, fearing that I would get sick if I fell asleep.
Even though I had imagined countless scenes of spending my birthday on this day, being locked in the corridor of the 28th floor building with Shen Xingmo, listening to the rain and waiting for the dawn, was still the first fresh and exciting experience in my life.
The wind was blowing, and Shen Xingmo saw that I was very tired, so she closed the window. The soft neon lights of the city reflected the red sky. In the distance, someone was singing karaoke, but the singing was vague and inaudible. Crystal raindrops fell on the glass window, flowing down line by line.
Perhaps it was too quiet. Shen Xingmo leaned my head on his shoulder, kept rubbing my hands to warm them, and spoke to me softly. I gradually fell asleep in such silence.
"A Yuan, do you have any dreams?"
"Maybe not."
"Do you still remember my wish?"
"Yes, remember, it is to cure me."
Dawn gradually broke, the pale blue sky was dotted with a few remaining stars, and the earth was hazy, as if covered with a silver-grey veil.
I was cold and hungry, and when I moved my legs, my nerves went numb. Shen Xingmo was sleeping next to me, and he woke up when I moved. Seeing me rubbing my legs in a weird position, he squatted down and gave me a massage.
"Are you feeling better?" He pressed my ankles and calves with moderate force. My legs gradually regained feeling and I yawned, signaling to him that it was okay.
"The door will open in ten minutes. Go back and take a hot shower and soak your feet. Your leg is injured, so don't let it get hurt." He gently pinched my calf and nagged like an old lady.
At this time, the sky was slightly white, and the clouds were gathering at the horizon like they were going to a market. As if they were soaked in blood, they showed a faint red color. The city, which had been quiet all night, began to get busy again.
After massaging me for more than ten minutes, Shen Xingmo helped me stand up and asked me, "Can you still walk?"
"I'm not a glass doll." I paced back and forth, telling him that I had nothing to do with it.
In this way, Shen Xingmo took me to the elevator and took me back to school in a taxi. After I washed up, I got into bed and caught up on some sleep. After Xu Xiaoran moved out, Guan Qianqian was also taken back by the housekeeper, and the dormitory suddenly became much quieter.
After sleeping for about two hours, I was woken up by the sounds of fighting and shouting. Tian Ye was wearing headphones and frantically pressing the mouse and keyboard.
I glanced at her screen and saw the game "League of Legends" that Chen Jinmo and his friends liked to play. Seeing me sit up from the bed, Tian Ye took off her headphones and smiled at me: "Hey, you stayed out all night, now you are amazing."
"I encountered some problems yesterday..." I was afraid that she would misunderstand, so I was about to explain what happened with Shen Xingmo, but Tian Ye turned his palm to me, indicating that I didn't need to say anything.
"You are an adult and I am not your mother. What are you talking to me about?" After the game was over, Tian Ye got up from the bed and went to boil water for instant noodles.
I was almost asleep and suddenly wanted to try my luck at the job market.
There are very few professional courses, and most people don’t take them. Unlike the three-year and four-year systems, after one and a half years of study, we will prepare for employment in advance. Teachers and counselors also encourage us to find jobs, so the management is much more relaxed.
I changed into some fairly formal clothes, copied my resume and some necessary materials onto a USB drive, printed them out at the school's printing shop, and headed straight to the job market.
Reality tells me that I am still too naive.
I contacted many companies that day. They knew that I was a student and that I did not graduate from a key university. Not only did they not value my diploma, they also pretended not to hear my questions.
There are also companies with good attitudes, but the salary is pitifully low, and your performance needs to be evaluated. For this type of company, they mostly recruit sales people, but it doesn't match my major, and I'm afraid I can't do it.
After all the hesitation, at the end of the day, I ended up with nothing, just like when I first looked for a part-time job.
I bought a bottle of water, sat on a stone bench in the park, and took off my high heels. This pair of sandals was bought for me by Xu Xiaoran. I don’t like wearing high heels and it makes me tired when walking, so they are still in very new condition.
Holding my high heels, I walked twice on the cobblestone road and massaged the soles of my feet. Then Xu Xiaoran called me. I answered the phone and poured out all my grievances.
"Xiao Ran, how did you find a job? I went to the job market today, but no company hired me." I asked anxiously. Xu Xiaoran went to Yao Ruhua to find a job, and it didn't take long for her to get the job.
"Did you write everything truthfully on your resume? And did you answer questions honestly and tell the truth?" she asked.
"How do you know?" I am in school, I don't have a diploma, and my time is limited. These are all facts. Am I lying?
"You are stupid. You must not say that. Those exploiters out there are very smart. They will certainly not hire you if you say that. You need to be more flexible and don't be too confident. They are a company that makes money. Who cares whether you live or die?" Xu Xiaoran said with an excited tone, which hit the nail on the head.
"You did this in the first place?" I couldn't help but admire her.
"Haha, no, it was my Huahua who asked his senior brothers to use their connections to get me in." Xu Xiaoran seemed to be eating potato chips. He said something and there was a crunch.
"..." I was speechless. It was really easy to talk while eating potato chips. "So what are you busy with?"
"Doing odd jobs, making forms, writing documents, it's very simple, you can do it." Xu Xiaoran finished speaking and laughed, "By the way, do you want to come? Otherwise, I'll ask Huahua to talk to their senior brothers."
"No." I want to find a job through my own efforts. Even if it's a bit hard, at least I can have a small sense of accomplishment. "I'll look for it again."
After hanging up the phone, I held up my high heels, looked at the green leaves around me and the blue sky above my head, and suddenly I felt confused.
Try again.
Thinking of this, I put on my shoes, took a sip of water, and plunged into the crowd again.
Although I didn't find a suitable company, I analyzed the issues that they were probably concerned about. The first was undoubtedly time, and the second was salary and acceptable workload.
After lowering these requirements, I returned to the dormitory at night and re-screened several suitable companies. I planned to try again next Saturday. There are job fairs in the talent market every weekend. There are many opportunities and maybe one is waiting for me.
It was really sad. I couldn't afford a computer after so long. So I went to the Internet cafe run by Uncle Shi. When he heard my purpose, he refused to take any money. He opened a computer for me and told me to search for information by myself. I could search for as long as I wanted.
This kind of warmth that I gain unintentionally is sometimes a driving force for me to be strong.
Lin Dongming has never called me. I don’t know if he is about to forget me. Qin Fangrui paid my tuition and completely ignored my life. I am like a dogtail grass. It can survive anywhere and live well.
I logged into the chat software. This QQ was applied for by Chen Jinmo for me. He had access to the Internet earlier than me. Later, I got a mobile phone and applied for an account myself, but I basically never used this account, so it was managed by Chen Jinmo.
Suddenly, something flashed through my mind and I logged into my space and found the photo album.
Oh my god! That’s right, it’s true. The photos in the pile of photos Guan Qianqian gave me at the beginning were the ones in it. But why didn’t Chen Jinmo explain it? Why didn’t he make it clear?
He is always like this, he doesn't care about anything. There are only two people added on the chat page, Chen Jinmo and Lin Jingxiang. I clicked on Chen Jinmo's private chat, typed a line of inquiry, and clicked the send button with the mouse. I backed off again and pressed delete.
In this situation, what can I do if I ask him? In his heart, I am probably just a sister. Why should I make myself unhappy? I don't want to tell him that I have a crush on him, like a fool, and I left him in disappointment and got close to another boy. The photos in the album are also his thoughtfulness. Many of them are ugly photos of me.
Some of them were lying on the table reading, some were sleeping in the pavilion, and some were meeting Lin Jingxiang while I was secretly watching for them... He wrote a line in the description of the album: "I hope you will always be so innocent and naive."
I was wrong, he cared about me.
No matter what caused us to become like this, among all the people and things that have changed, he is simply good to me, and I cannot deny that. In front of him, I am still the same Lin Jingyuan. He has loved me and cared about me, even if not as much as he did to Lin Jingxiang, but he has tried his best.
I have no right to ask for it and cannot be blamed.
I went to the Internet cafe three times and interviewed at several companies. One cultural development company was interested in hiring me for the position of a clerk.
That day, I went to the supermarket to buy daily necessities. There was a lot of traffic and crowds outside.
Shen Xingmo suddenly called me. I seldom call people, and he is the same.
"Did you eat well?" His voice was always so gentle and sounded a little hoarse.
"Well, I've eaten. How about you? " I switched the phone and walked to a quiet place to answer him.
"I haven't eaten yet." His mood sounded very wrong, and my heart couldn't help but tighten. I could hear his heavy breathing through the phone.
"Shen Xingmo, are you okay?" I was a little worried about him.
There was a long silence inside.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked again.
Every time he saw me, his face was filled with irrepressible joy. He called me less often, but I could often feel his happiness just from his tone.
I took it for granted that he brought me tenderness, but I never considered that Shen Xingmo was just an ordinary person, who had joys and sorrows, and would encounter natural disasters and man-made tragedies.
After a long while, his barely audible words came through the microphone: "My father passed away."
"You——" I felt like someone was choking my throat. I swallowed a few times and couldn't utter a complete syllable. My feet walked out of the school uncontrollably. "Where are you?"
"Shiming Hospital."
I tried not to think too much, but whenever I thought about him encountering such a thing, my heart couldn't help but feel sore. Shen Xingmo's father died, and his world must have collapsed!
Such a big thing happened and I knew nothing about it. What kind of friend am I?
When he arrived at the hospital, he stood outside the corridor in a daze.
The night enveloped the black figure. He stood quietly, looking at the mountain behind the hospital. It was pitch black there, making people feel depressed for no reason.
The corridor was quiet and there was no one else. He was standing at one end and I was standing at this end. I walked over quietly, but perhaps he was too distracted and he didn't notice me walking behind him.
"Shen Xingmo..." I smiled at him with all my might.
"Huh? You're here." His tall body turned around, his eyes dull and emitting sadness. The bitterness in my heart surged up, and I pulled his sleeve and could only say these three words, "Shen Xingmo..."
"Dad went to pick up Mom from work...a serious car accident happened on a slippery road due to rain...Dad died at the scene of the accident and Mom was in a coma ...she was sent to the hospital...I just got here in the middle of the night yesterday..." He uttered a few words mechanically like a cold machine.
Comfort him. Although he said it so easily, I know how much psychological barriers he had to overcome before telling me this.
Just like I don't want him to notice my sadness, he also doesn't want me to know the pain in his heart.
I looked at the listless, melancholy and taciturn boy in front of me, and a tremor passed through my heart, followed by waves of bitterness.
"Don't say anything, don't say anything." I put my arms around his waist. His body stiffened, then slowly relaxed. He leaned his heavy head on my shoulder, saying nothing. Suddenly, he looked older.
I know how much pressure he is under. Death, what a sad and desperate word. Such a good person, such a gentle boy in the world, he suffered such a trauma. What should I do? What should I do?
The night is like a thick inkstone, so deep that it cannot be dissolved.
At that time, he was no longer as fragile as he was when I first saw him. Only after my strong request did he agree to eat something. Looking at the rice in his hand, I made a hole as big as an egg. He didn't want to eat it anymore.
"Eat the meat." I sat quietly beside him and smiled at him.
"Oh, okay, fine." He narrowed his eyes, resisted for a while, frowned and ate a few pieces of pork belly, and teased me, "I don't usually see you care about me so much."
"What? Are you unhappy?" I frowned seriously and handed the clay pot of soup to him, "Drink this too."
"A Yuan——" He looked at me awkwardly and refused politely.
"If you're not full, how can you have the energy to be sad?" I ignored his refusal, took his lunch box and exchanged it for the can of soup, "Well, it's still hot, eat it while it's hot."
I know very well that I can't say many words of comfort, and I can only supervise him on small matters like this.
Let it go, let go of things that cannot be changed. His health is the most important thing now. Excessive grief, not eating and resting according to the schedule , will definitely ruin his body.
Just as we were sitting on the bench eating and talking, a middle-aged woman about forty years old came out and started calling out "Mo Mo".
Shen Xingmo put down the half-drunk earthenware pot of soup, looked at me apologetically, ran over and grabbed the woman's hand: "Aunt, is my mother awake?"
"Life was hard in the late Qing Dynasty. Old Shen left you and your son behind. In the days ahead—" The woman wiped her eyes. Shen Xingmo tried to hold back the tears in her eyes and comforted her instead, "Aunt, I'm fine. I'm not afraid."
The night was as silent as dead water, and the moonlight illuminated me as I sat quietly. I didn't know when I became like this. Seeing Shen Xingmo sad, my tears had soaked my eyes.
I'm fine, I'm not afraid.
In the past, I also used such words to comfort others, but only we ourselves knew that it was a lie. We were obviously scared to death, and it was obviously not good, not good at all.
I picked up the leftovers on the chair and dumped them into the trash can, then went to the door of the ward. Aunt Shen was sleeping quietly on the bed with a thick gauze wrapped around her head. Shen Xingmo's aunt was trying hard not to cry out loud. Shen Xingmo had her back to me, her shoulders trembling slightly.
Shen Xingmo, you must be very scared.
Shen Xingmo's aunt stayed for a while and then went back. I walked behind Shen Xingmo and accompanied him. I had known him for so long, but it seemed like this was the first time I saw him so vulnerable.
Late at night, Shen Xingmo had a nightmare. He held my hand and asked me not to leave. He said, you are the only one I have.
Later, he fell into a deep sleep and didn't speak again.
I suddenly wanted to make it up to him. Because of the work location, I declined the clerk job and started to work for Shen Xingmo wholeheartedly. It was impossible to cook in the dormitory, so I went home and brought most of my luggage back. Qin Fangrui was playing mahjong with her friends at home. When I entered the room, it was full of smoke.
"You can go to the mahjong room, but why did you bring it home?"
"Oh my god, this is terrible, this is terrible, you are controlling me now." Qin Fangrui was holding a toothpick in her mouth, with a towel draped over her shoulders, and her hair was wet from just washing.
"You are the one who is amazing." I couldn't control my emotions and dared to talk back to her even though there were outsiders present.
Qin Fangrui touched the cards with one hand, not caring about my disgust at all: "Don't mess with me, you silly girl. I'm telling you, I just lost 500 yuan and I'm waiting for a comeback. I don't have the heart to argue with you. I've been looking forward to Xiangxiang's return, but I didn't expect you to spoil my fun. Hey, you're still angry. I just left after saying a few words to you. What's wrong with you? Stop right there-"
I walked quickly into the room, slammed the door shut, and finally I had some peace and quiet.
Some people think life is worse than death, while others are ignorant of the sufferings of the world.
But the world is unfair, and nothing has changed.
In my future life, there are still so many unknown roads waiting for me to complete step by step.