I was in a daze on my bed when Cai Qihang called me. When I saw his name flashing on my phone screen, I realized that I hadn't seen him for a long time. When I occasionally played games, he was always not there. It seemed that he was very busy after work.
"Hello? Working guy, how come you have time to call me today?" Even though we haven't seen each other for a long time, he is the kind of friend with whom I can skip the greetings when answering the phone.
"Student, aren't you busy but why don't you call me all day?" The familiar voice was inexplicably kind. Although it was blaming me, I couldn't hear any blame in it.
"What's wrong? Is there something you want to talk to me about today?"
"Have a drink with me tonight." You can tell that he was in a bad mood and felt very disappointed at that moment.
I didn't ask any more questions, just said "OK".
After hanging up the phone, I curled up on the bed, hugging my knees tightly with my hands, as if this would make me safer and as if I would not be disturbed or hurt.
When he said he wanted to have dinner together, I suddenly felt very nervous, as if something was about to happen.
We went to a music bar. It wasn’t a very noisy place, but we could be sad as much as we wanted under the dim lights. We didn’t need to hide the emotions on our faces. No one could see your face or the sadness on it.
Cai Qihang picked up the wine glass, took a sip, and said in a muffled voice: "Qingtong, I broke up..."
I was confused at first, thinking that he had just had a quarrel with He Huanhuan, but I didn't expect it to be so serious.
"Cai Qihang, when two people are together, they are bound to be together on and off. Don't be too sad. Maybe they will make up tomorrow!" I pretended to be relaxed and tried my best to comfort him.
He smiled bitterly and said helplessly: "It's impossible. I know her character. She will never look back."
I thought of He Huanhuan whom I met that day, a girl who looked innocent and kind, and Cai Qihang was a well-known good man. I really couldn't imagine why they broke up.
He raised his head. The light was dim, but he could still vaguely see that his eyes were bloodshot. He took a deep breath, and his chest seemed to be trying hard to suppress his emotions: "Qingtong, life is too hard. I just started working, I earn little, and my life is hard... But He Huanhuan... She can't live a hard life..." As soon as he finished speaking, he laughed mockingly, as if he was laughing at his own incompetence, and as if he was laughing at the fragility of love.
I can't guess whether they will hate each other after breaking up, but I know clearly that the feeling of being abandoned by the one you love is very painful, very painful.
"Cai Qihang, stop talking, come and drink!" It seemed that all the consolations became powerless, so I had no choice but to pick up the glass and raise it towards him.
He looked up and smiled at me, and seeing that smile made me feel heartbroken.
"After she graduated, she took the postgraduate entrance exam. She was really good and was admitted. She wanted to continue her studies, but my pitiful salary was not enough to support the two of us... We had too many arguments about this. It was really tiring..."
His face was slightly red under the stimulation of alcohol, and the loss on his face gradually turned into despair, and despair turned into disappointment. He said: "Qingtong, I told her that I would work hard and let her live a good life, but she didn't even give me this opportunity. She said she couldn't see the future..."
I was stunned.
Why is it that someone like me, who only wants love and not bread and is even willing to give up everything for it, doesn't even have someone to love, while those who are deeply loved don't even have the courage to take the slightest risk.
"Stop talking. From now on, you are not allowed to talk about love. It's better not to have that thing. If you say another word, I will beat you!" I said harshly, but Mo Xiyi's face kept swaying in front of me. The alcohol was gradually taking effect, and the two of us cried like wanderers abandoned by this world.
Although I told you not to talk about love anymore, Cai Qihang talked about He Huanhuan all the time, the He Huanhuan of the past, the He Huanhuan of the present, and he even fantasized about what it would be like if He Huanhuan married him in the future.
After I despised him, I suddenly felt that I was really pathetic.
I have no claim to ownership of Moshiyi's past, present, or future.
I have always been an outsider.
I witnessed the whole process of Cai Qihang from breaking up to recovering. He also occupied most of my time. I either accompanied him to drink or to play games with him. I guess the term "brothers" refers to us, which left me no time to think about Mo Xiyi.
If Wenrou hadn't been seriously ill, I think I would have continued to play games for a while. Her sudden worsening of her condition was completely unexpected. I thought she would gradually get better with Mo Xiyi's help, but unexpectedly, it got worse.
I went to the hospital to see her. Her bangs were scattered on her forehead, no longer neatly arranged on her forehead as before. Her black hair and dark eyes were full of spirit. Her eyes were slightly red and swollen, as if she had cried, but at this time she looked peaceful and smiling.
I took a step forward and sat next to her. She raised her arm and I extended my hand to her. She held my hand and looked at my fingers. Then she turned her gaze to me. Her clear eyes were very lovable. I think if it weren't for Mo Xiyi, Wenrou and I would have become good friends who could talk about anything.
"Qingtong, I'm sorry." Her voice was weak.
He apologized right away, leaving me confused: "Wenrou, why are you apologizing to me? You haven't done anything wrong to me."
She frowned slightly: "Xi Yi, he doesn't really like me, he just treats me as his sister, and he wants to protect me."
I smiled and said, "How could that be? He cares about you so much, how could he not like you?"
"Qingtong!" She squeezed my hand tightly. "He likes me, but not the kind of love between men and women. But I... took advantage of my illness to tie him to my side, so you couldn't be with him..."
I hurriedly said, "Wenrou, don't get me wrong. Mo Xiyi didn't love me anyway. This has nothing to do with you. You don't have to feel guilty towards me. You don't owe me anything. You just need to focus on recuperating and don't think about anything else. OK?"
She lowered her eyelids, stopped looking at me, sighed softly, and turned her face away.
I held her hand and whispered in her ear, "Wenrou, do you know that I really envy you because you are waiting for the person you love most at the most beautiful age. Is there anything more beautiful than this in the world?"
She suddenly turned her head to look at me, her eyes almost instantly filled with tears and emotion: "Thank you, Qingtong, this is the best comfort I have ever heard."
But gentleness, you know, this is not consolation, it is the love that you truly possess. If you don’t truly possess it, how can I comfort you?
Aren't you someone I envy?
I left after she fell asleep. She only talked to me for a while, but she was already exhausted and weak. I had never imagined that her condition would worsen to such an extent. The girl who was once as beautiful as a poem and a picture became what she is now in just over a year. Thinking of the way she looked when I first saw her, I still can't help but sigh.
Gentle, I really wish I could be you, I really wish I could switch roles with you, even if it’s only for a day, an hour, a minute, a second… At least I can make him love me with good reason, and I can leave a kiss on his lips openly.
If there is an if.
However, God is always fair. He gave some people love, but not enough time to love; he gave some people time, but not love; he gave some people love and time, but did not teach them to cherish... In the end, there are always more regrets than life, leaving regrets for everyone.
But why can't we have both?
Or is it that human hearts are hard to predict? We ask for too much and are too greedy...
It took only a week for Wenrou and I to meet again, but it was at her funeral. Fate plays tricks on people, making everyone look like a fool.
Many people cried until their eyes were red, and many people cried until their makeup was smudged. But Mo Xiyi stood in front of her portrait in silence, his straight black suit stretched his body out, the dark circles under his eyes looked like he had put on eye shadow, and he stared at the black and white photo with empty eyes.
She was smiling happily in the photo, with two beautiful dimples under her row of white teeth and dark eyes. God gave her a sweet face but did not give her enough time.
Mo Xi and I came out together, as if we had made an appointment, and didn't mention a word about our relationship.
Everyone has pain in their hearts, and everyone has helplessness in their hearts. Since they can't speak up, it's better not to say anything.
After asking about each other's well-being and reminiscing about the past, we each returned to our own lives.
At this moment, I seem to have become more open-minded and no longer obsessed with certain emotions. Ye Bihan has also gradually come out of the shadow of the last time. After all, she has to return to her life and start over again.
Perhaps youth is just like this. Whose youth is without flaws? Or perhaps it is precisely because of the flaws that it is more precious?
I was studying in the study room, preparing for an exam, and when I looked up and stretched, I saw Cai Qihang. He waved at me and smiled happily.
I was a little surprised, but still responded to him with a smile and walked out of the classroom.
"When did you come? Why didn't you tell me you came? Don't you have to go to work today?"
"I just came here. Ye Bihan said you were here, so I came to find you. I just quit my job and I don't have to work anymore."
I was startled and immediately began to feel sad, but was ruthlessly interrupted by this person.
"Don't rush to talk. I plan to start a business in City B. There are always more opportunities in coastal cities than inland cities!"
My eyes widened and my mouth seemed to be big enough to swallow his fist. I didn't expect him to make such an incredible decision.
"Cai Qihang, you are kidding me!"
"I'm serious. I'm on a flight tomorrow. I wanted to come see you before I leave and to thank you. In fact, I'm grateful that you've been with me these days. You know, boys don't understand and get impatient when they talk about these things all the time. Fortunately, I have a friend like you who helped me get over it!"
I felt a little embarrassed: "Hey! What are you saying? It's so polite of you to say that, but are you really going out of town?" I pushed his shoulder, acting as if it was a matter of course.
"Qingtong, I'm serious. There's more to life than just love. A good man has ambitions. I should cherish the present time."
His words were really inspiring. He changed his decadent look in the past. I was really happy for him that he could cheer up.
"Cai Qihang, since you have made up your mind, you must make a name for yourself before coming back!"
"Of course!"
He had a bright smile on his face, the most inspiring and determined smile I have ever seen. I have never seen him smile so firmly after being hurt.
He and I strolled around the campus and talked about many things, good and bad, useful and useless. I talked about everything. This kind of free speech made me feel satisfied and relieved. I said, "Cai Qihang, if you become rich or famous in the future, don't forget me. When I ask you to borrow money, ask your nanny to send me away..."
He laughed: "Don't worry, don't worry. I will never ask the nanny to send you away. How can the nanny take care of you when she is so busy? I will definitely ask the security guard to send you away...haha..."
I was furious and chased him to hit him, but he dodged too quickly and I didn't hit him, so we kept chasing and fighting on the campus...
Look, the sun is shining and the years are peaceful.
You see, the laughter is still there, and the youth is still there.
The next day, I went to the airport to see him off and stuffed the few hundred yuan I had saved into his bag. He didn't notice it - he would definitely need it when he was away from home. He hugged me easily, and I patted his shoulder and told him to take care of himself.
He nodded, looked up at me, and said in a very firm tone: "Cheng Qingtong, don't waste your time."
After saying that, he turned and left.
Cheng Qingtong, don't waste your time.
He didn't even need to say anything extra, I knew what he wanted to say next.
Don't waste your time, do what you want to do.
Goodbye, Cai Qihang, have a safe journey. In your youth, you are a brave warrior, and warriors are not destined to be, and you will definitely get everything you want.
After Wenrou left, I thought I would never see Mo Xi again. He was about to graduate, so it was only a matter of time before he left. When that day came, it would be the end of our relationship.
That day, he unexpectedly asked me to meet him at a restaurant.
He was wearing a yellow sweatshirt, a color rarely seen on him, and generally he only wore darker colored clothes. So when I saw him in the restaurant today, my eyes lit up and I was a little curious.
Seeing the doubt on my face, he asked, "How is it? Is this color suitable for me?"
I nodded woodenly, remembering that I once asked Ye Bihan that Mo Xi always wore black and white clothes, and whether he would look good in other colors.
But at this moment, he became what I imagined, sitting right in front of me, but I no longer had the excitement I had at that time.
"It's appropriate. Very appropriate."
In the end, only the calm word "suitable" remained.
He sighed softly: "Cheng Qingtong, it turns out you can also become such a quiet person."
After hearing this, I felt inexplicably sad. Yes, I could actually become such a quiet person.
"Oh, I guess I'm a little tired lately. Is there something you want to talk to me about?"
"My mom's birthday is coming up soon, and I... don't know what to get her. She doesn't seem to particularly like the presents I give her every year. You have a lot of ideas, so I wanted to ask you."
"Oh, so that's how it is... Then why don't you just call directly? Why do you have to go through so much trouble..."
The situation was a little awkward...
At this moment, I suddenly saw Lin Xiaozhu and a few friends walking towards me. They were probably also here to have dinner at this restaurant. I hadn't seen him for a long time, and seeing him felt like meeting old friends.
I waved to him very happily, but he just passed me by without any happiness.
"Mo Xiyi, your old lover has been gone for a short time, and now there is a new lover. Your emotional life is quite rich!"
My heart seemed to have suddenly fallen into an ice cellar. I couldn't help feeling disappointed when I saw his sarcastic expression and sharp words.
Mo Xiyi was uncharacteristically silent at this time: "Lin Xiaozhu, be careful with your words. You are a coward, but now you are throwing dirty water on me..."
"Who are you calling a coward!" I know Lin Xiaozhu's temper very well. How could someone who could explode with just one wrong word be so honest at this time? As he spoke, he stepped forward and pushed Mo Xiyi. When Mo Xi fought back, I was worried that they would really fight, so I hurried forward to stop them and shouted loudly: "Stop fighting, can't we talk it out nicely!" But unexpectedly, his fist hit me. When Mo Xi saw that I was injured, he quickly protected me and pulled me aside.
When Lin Xiaozhu saw me standing with him, his face suddenly turned pale and he turned and left.
Although the situation was a one-on-two situation at the time, and my fighting ability could be ignored, the reason why Lin Xiaozhu turned around and left was probably because he disliked me for not standing on his side.
Mo Xi asked with concern: "Qingtong, are you okay? There was no need for you to stop me just now. I won't be hurt. Don't be so reckless in the future." He stood in front of me and spoke softly, but at this time I could no longer be happy and just nodded at him.
"Senior Mo, I'm fine. I'll think about the gift for you when I get home today and call you later."
After I got back, I called Lin Xiaozhu and wanted to explain to him what happened today. I was not targeting him together with Mo Xi, but this guy was stubborn and didn't answer the phone, so I simply ignored him.
Ye Bihan was busy packing up her things, and I didn't know what she was doing. I was about to ask her when she spoke: "Qingtong, if I'm not with you in your last year of college, can you take care of yourself?"
I thought she was just saying it casually, so I didn't reply seriously: "Of course not. Without you to serve me, how can I go to the toilet, eat, and take a bath? I will definitely lose my appetite and sleep at night!"
She burst out laughing: "You only know how to talk. Seeing you like this, I feel relieved..."
I suddenly realized that she wasn't kidding me, she seemed to be serious. I jumped off the bed, lay in front of her, and asked her: "Ye Bihan, tell me clearly, what is going on with this matter! What do you mean you are relieved?"
She put down what she was doing, turned around, and said with a serious and reluctant look: "Qingtong, I applied for a three-plus-one program with the school. In my last year, I want to study abroad. I have already told my family about this, and my parents have agreed. They also hope that I can go out and see the world..."
I said "Oh" lightly and looked into her eyes, neither of us spoke.
There was silence for a while.
"Xiao Han, why didn't you tell me about this in advance..."
She looked up, and seemed to hear the reproach in my tone: "Qingtong, don't be angry, I'm just afraid that you won't agree to let me go. If you don't agree, I might soften my heart, and if I soften my heart, I might really not be able to leave."
"If you don't tell me, how do you know I won't support you? When did I become a stumbling block for you?" I turned around and sat down on her bed. "I'm worried that you'll get bullied if you go out alone. Don't you want to think about the last time... Every time I helped you deal with things, if you encounter any problems that you can't solve outside, how can I not worry about you?"
Seeing that I was just worried about her and didn't mean to blame her, she relaxed and said, "Don't worry, Qingtong. I can't rely on you to solve everything. I also want to exercise well this time when I go out. I can't always be like a three-year-old child around you."
"I'm only three years old in front of you, and you need to make the decision for me on everything..."
It was over, and the scene became sad again.
"What is love in this world? It makes people follow each other through life and death!"
"Alright, alright, just stop it!"
That night, Ye Bihan and I chatted until late at night, almost everything from who would be weaned first to our future eighty years. Even when we both had no teeth, we were still smiling foolishly at each other and talking all night long.
The night is quiet, the years are long, and our friendship will last forever.
I sent a message to Mo Xiyi, which said: Senior Mo, it doesn't really matter what gift you give her, as long as you prepare it carefully, Aunt Mo will definitely like it. The flowers you gave her before were too impractical, and she doesn't need the perfume either, so why don't you make a cake and give it to her in person?
This time, I got a response. It took only about ten seconds.
When I saw this message, I just wanted to cry. It's not because the content of the message is so touching, but because it's the first time I've waited for a response in such a long time.
It's like you want to eat a piece of cake, but you don't have money to buy it. You think about this piece of cake day and night and dream about eating it. Finally one day, you save enough money to buy this piece of cake. The first emotion you feel is not joy, but the desire to cry.
Every bite you take will remind you of your efforts for this cake, and you will think of the sad past. Only after these emotions pass will you feel satisfied.
He said, "Thank you Qingtong, I understand."
It took me a long time to come out of this feeling. Ye Bihan looked at me strangely and asked, "Qingtong, what's wrong with you?"
"It's okay, I want to eat Yilin's cake." After saying that, I smiled and fell asleep with this beautiful dream.
That day, after I hurried to the bar that Mo Xiyi mentioned, I was very nervous, worried that something might happen to him. So when I received a call from him drinking in the bar, I put down the book in my hand, turned around and ran, almost daring not to delay for a moment.
The bar was packed with people, making it difficult to find someone. The music was too loud and I couldn't hear anyone on the phone, so I had to look for everyone one by one, not wanting to miss anyone.
When I finally found him in the corner, he was already drunk.
That was the first time I saw a different Mo Xiyi, who acted like a child and acted like a spoiled child towards me. When he saw me, he stretched out his arm towards me and pulled me towards him. The moment he touched my arm, I froze. I had never been so close to him before, and I had never stood so close to him to see him. I could even feel his breath.
"Qingtong! Why are you here? Come, sit down and have a drink with me!"
He must have been too drunk to remember calling me.
"Senior Mo, you were the one who called me just now! Why did you drink so much? It's harmful to your health!"
Seeing him become like this, my heart still aches. Maybe it's because there is too much helplessness and pain in my heart that I am drinking and getting drunk today.
"Qingtong, you... sit down." His eyes were almost hazy, and I guess he saw two bodies of me at this time. He tried to grab my hand several times but failed, so I had to reach out. I sat down next to him obediently and drank the wine in his glass.
"Mo Xiyi, if you have anything to say or any grievances you have, just say it out loud. Don't keep it in your heart and don't let yourself be so depressed. I don't like you being like this."
I don't like the way you are.
After hearing this, he was slightly stunned, lowered his head, picked up the empty cup and poured it into his mouth a few times. When he found that there was nothing in it, he knocked the cup hard on the table: "Cheng Qingtong, they remarried."
Remarry?
Remarry!
His parents remarried.
I didn't know whether to comfort him or congratulate him. I stammered, "That's great. Finally, lovers finally get married. You should be happy!"
"Happy? Haha... should I really be happy? What should I be happy about? Happy that my dad's so-called true love abandoned him, so he realized that the one he should really cherish is my mom? Or should I be happy that my mom got a chronic illness because of this and she can never fully recover?"
The sentence is too long. After I reacted, I realized that remarriage, whether it exists or not, is a hurtful thing.
"If you fix the cracks and put on nice stickers, will the wound no longer exist? Will the marriage be the same as before? Going out for fun and only coming home when you get hurt, is this loyalty to the marriage? It's too fake... too fake..."
But Mo Xiyi, you are the superior Mo Xiyi, you can't do this, you shouldn't do this, I don't want you to do this.
I would rather you were still the serious and cold you, than the fragile you you are now. I don't want to make you sad, I don't want to let you get hurt. You are like this, which makes me heartbroken, and I can't help but feel sad when I follow you.
"Xiyi, don't be like this... In fact, love is not a simple thing, and marriage is even more difficult. There will always be problems of one kind or another, and those who can finally be together after going through all the ups and downs are the truly right people."
He shook his head, as if he didn't hear me. "The girl I have a crush on is called Xiao Nuan. She is like you, she likes to laugh very much, and she looks very pretty when she laughs. Every time I see her laugh, I can't help but be infected and want to laugh with her. I often like to sit in front of the classroom window to peek at her, watching her smile as she passes by my window. That's what I do every day. But that day, I waited for her for a long time, but she didn't come, and she never came. Later I found out that she had a car accident, and she would never appear at my window with a smile again..."
I sat next to him, but it felt like there was a galaxy between us. I couldn't get into his heart because his heart was filled with too many things.
"When Wenrou died, I was very scared, very... I was afraid of the separation of life and death, and I felt even more sorry for her. She was sentenced to death when she was born. This feeling was understood by her and me. The doctor said she would not live past the age of 20. It was only with the careful care of her parents that she survived until now. When she left, she kept holding my hand. There was too much sadness, reluctance, relief and hope in her eyes. I would rather it was me who died, really, why didn't I die."
His tone became more intense and he tapped the table. I silently refilled his glass with wine and poured some for myself. I didn't say anything and listened to him tell those stories, those stories I knew and those I didn't know.
People say that when a person is hurt, he will not cry, he will hold on and get through it alone. But when someone comforts him, he will instantly collapse and release his emotions.
And I am the one who comforts Mo Xiyi. My existence is a kind of comfort.
Does that mean that, in his heart, I am actually very important?
"I have been living with this pain for a long time, and have been immersed in Xiao Nuan's smile for many years. I once thought that I would never be able to get out of it, and that I would always sink in her world. But..." Mo Xi suddenly looked up at me, with endless tenderness in his eyes.
"But I met you, such a special you. You often appear in my life in a hurry. You help me get water, rush to get me food, and even smile at me foolishly during meetings... I never knew that I could actually accept love from others. I hope you will always be noisy in my life, but I can't love you well."
I hope you will always be making noise in my life, but I can't love you well.
What an ironic statement.
What a hurtful statement.
"That period of time was really warm and beautiful. I once thought that I would become brighter and brighter. I thought that I would get out of the haze, but at this time, the gentleness was dead. A person who grew up with me and loved me deeply suddenly left. It seemed that a big piece of my heart was missing. Qingtong, can you understand this feeling?"
Moxie, I understand.
I know this feeling, it's called despair.
And I was eventually buried by you in this despair, never to be seen again. And all the things I did for you became nothing.
"Cheng Qingtong, you are really good, very good. But, I am really sorry."
My tears instantly burst out and fell down like beads that had broken off the string.
"You fearlessly took 99 steps towards me, but I chose to take one step back and walk away."
Sobbing and trembling was like an endless and terrible spell.
He drank glass after glass of wine, and I sat beside him sobbing. His voice was always in my ears, and every story he told was replayed in my ears one by one, especially the last sentence.
You fearlessly walked towards me 99 steps, but I chose to take a step back and turn away.
"Mo Xiyi, if Wenrou hadn't passed away suddenly, would you accept me?" I stopped crying, turned around and looked at him.
His movements stopped . His eyes looked straight ahead with his brows tightly furrowed. I didn't know why I asked this question, nor did I know what the point of asking this question was now, but the words were on my lips and came out without warning.
He didn't say anything, but tilted his head to look at me. His face turned red under the influence of alcohol, his eyes were bright, like shining stars in the night sky, his eyelashes fluttered, and his eyelids felt heavy, as if he had to use force to support them.
He nodded slightly. I laughed through my tears.
No one understands the feeling of laughing while crying, only I do.
Because he was moved by the love that I had put so much effort and sincerity into.
I helped him out of the bar. He was staggering and I had trouble standing. Sitting on the street, I vaguely recalled the past.
I said goodbye to him gently that day. I was so sad that I got drunk and staggered on this street.
I used to be drunk because of you, now I am drunk with you.
Mo Xiyi, you see, the past and the present are all because of you.
Mo Xiyi, you see, my entire youth is filled with you.
Mo Xiyi, when can you take that last step for me?
The night was cool, I helped him up, staggered to a taxi. Your eyes were closed, your eyelashes cast a shadow on your face, you fell asleep, I was still awake, this city was still awake, and the ones who felt pain were always those who had not been anesthetized, looking at the lights and feasting outside the car window, feeling a myriad of emotions.
The train of youth has traveled a long way, with endless scenery along the way, but I have long since changed from the initial enthusiastic and expectant me who boarded the train to the current me who is covered in bruises and filled with sorrow.
But when I saw the boy next to me, I suddenly felt lucky. I was lucky to have him because he gave me so many ups and downs in life. I was lucky to have him because he made my youth not go through in vain.
I slowly leaned over to his ear and whispered softly into his ear: "Mo Xiyi, I love you."
Whether you can hear it or not, from now on, it no longer matters.