I have been sick for a long time.
The double-petal jasmine plant by the window, which had been motionless before, has bloomed its first pure white flower. My condition still shows no signs of improvement, because I don't want to get better at all. Being sick may be the only way to escape reality. Before I figure out how to face Jian Chen, I would rather stay "sick" like this.
Gu Xi would walk a long way to see me every day after school. He didn't ring the doorbell to come in, but stood in the shade of the sycamore tree downstairs, looking out the window of my bedroom. When he saw me sticking my head out, he would smile, wave, and then turn and leave.
It was Sunday, and the sun was so bright that it was a sin to stay in bed. My mother went out to have tea with her friends, and Aisi came upstairs and knocked on my door. I saw the person standing behind him, and for two or three seconds I could hardly breathe.
But I quickly recognized that the person was Gu Xi, not Jian Chen. Then I laughed at myself in disappointment, Ai Banxia, ​​haven't you had enough of daydreaming? At this point, why would Jian Chen come to see you?
Perhaps the disappointment on my face was too obvious, even Gu Xi could see it.
He came over and said to me in the honey-colored morning light: "Who said that wasting precious time is unjust?"
He teased me by borrowing the words I used when I was in high spirits.
I took this opportunity to laugh and deliberately said something that would make people's teeth ache: "Time is like a knife that makes people grow old. But, Gu Xi, if there is no scenery or person I am waiting for in front of me, what does it have to do with me whether I am old or not?"
I thought this was the most ridiculous joke I had ever told, so I laughed first. But Gu Xi, who loved to laugh, didn't laugh at all.
He looked at me, his expression becoming more and more serious: "Ai Banxia, ​​you are not sick."
"Yes." I looked up at Gu Xi, and said calmly , "I pretended to be sick. I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to meet him, and I don't know how to face him."
"Why?"
"Because..." I suddenly didn't know what to say. I just looked at Gu Xi and laughed so hard that tears were about to fall. "Gu Xi, I bet that even someone like you who makes up stories to make money all day long has never heard of such a ridiculous and absurd story."
"Banxia..." Gu Xi looked at me with concern.
I continued to laugh and said, "My mother is actually the one who kidnapped Jian Chen. Gu Xi, tell me, isn't this plot too rotten?"
I thought Gu Xi would at least show a little surprise, but he didn't . He just looked at me quietly, his eyes full of heartache.
I calmly told him about the past, my tone so calm that it seemed as if I was telling someone else's story.
Finally, I spread my hands and said, "Look, God is a novelist who has run out of ideas. He likes to do everything he can to create plots that prevent the hero and heroine from being together. The plot he gave to Jian Chen and me is 'your mother is the third party who destroyed his parents' relationship, and it was your mother who caused him to become a beggar.' This reason is indeed cliché, but it's enough, isn't it? Now, how could Jian Chen care about me again? It's a miracle that he doesn't hate me."
I faced the sun, tilted my head and smiled bitterly, thinking I was free and easy. I knew that the reason I could be so careless was because I knew that everything was a done deal and there was no room for change.
The warm morning light shone quietly on me, but I felt colder than ever before.
I even heard the sound of the flower in my heart withering, quietly dying, falling to the ground quietly, and turning into ashes.
Then, I heard Gu Xi say, "Why should he hate you?"
"Why not?" The fact is that he already hates me, doesn't he?
Gu Xi stared into my eyes quietly for two seconds, and then he said very softly but firmly: "Banxia, ​​he will never hate you, never."
I almost believed his words because of his affirmative tone: "You are not him."
"If I were him—" Gu Xi's gaze fell on a certain place outside the window and she laughed, "If I were him, I would definitely not ignore you, let alone hate you."
I fully believe that if he were Jian Chen, he would not blame me. Unfortunately, there is no if.
"Gu Xi..." I sobbed, and tears flowed uncontrollably like water bursting a dam.
"Gu Xi."
"Um?"
"You must be an angel, right?" Even if he's not, he's the most angelic person I've ever seen.
He did not answer, but leaned his shoulder gently towards her and said, "A mortal who is not an angel can also fulfill one of Ai Banxia's wishes."
"What?"
"You can pretend it's him."
That's right, pretend.
Pretending is humanity's last resort, isn't it?
Pretend that Jian Chen has never said that he hates me, pretend that we are completely unaware of the love-hate entanglement of the previous generation, pretend that I have not met him again in Baisha.
I returned to campus and pretended that I had never known that there was a boy named Jian Chen in Baisha College who was the little stone I had been looking for.
If you deceive yourself and others for a long time, you will start to believe those lies.
Occasionally seeing him and Xu Xiye walking together on campus, I wouldn't feel sad. It was just a boy and a girl walking together. He was not Jian Chen, let alone Xiao Shitou.
I deceived myself like this and learned to pass him by like a stranger.
I had practiced the expressions and movements in my mind thousands of times, and I thought I had mastered them by now. However, they were easily shattered by Xu Xiye's words.
She said, "Ai Banxia, ​​how can you pretend that nothing happened? Your mistress mother is the one who caused Jian Chen to wander outside for four years!"
At that moment, I heard the sound of crystal glass collapsing, "crash, crash", and the earth shook. The crystal protection tower created by lies was shattered by her effortlessly, and countless sharp fragments pierced into my heart, bloodying it.
I smiled at Xu Xiye in the heart-piercing pain and said, "You should thank my mother, otherwise, it would not be your turn to be with Jian Chen."
I watched the arrogant girl in front of me turn pale quickly, and then I laughed out loud with satisfaction as I watched her run away with gritted teeth.
However, I know that in this war between her and me, I will definitely not be the winner.
If you want to hide from someone, there is always a way. Besides, that person doesn't want to see me.
So, even though Baisha College is not too big, I haven't met Jian Chen for a long time. But this doesn't mean that Jian Chen has disappeared from my world.
Sometimes, I often wonder, is it because I deliberately covered my eyes that my hearing became so sensitive, so that the news about him came everywhere? Or is it because I always care about him in my heart?
I heard that you and Xu Xiye had a fight for some unknown reasons.
I heard that you and Xu Xiye reconciled.
I heard that you two are inseparable.
Those "rumors", those news about you, seem to all have something to do with me, but in fact I know that everything has nothing to do with me anymore.
Even though I know this is the case, I still can't help feeling sad sometimes, so I said to Gu Xi beside me in a naughty way: "Gu Xi, can you keep pretending?"
Gu Xi smiled and said, "Of course you can if you want."
Of course you can if you want.
It was not until one evening when I met Jian Chen on campus that I realized that I was unwilling in my heart. Jian Chen is Jian Chen, and Gu Xi is Gu Xi.
That evening when the sunset burned half the sky red, he and I met unexpectedly beside a cluster of blue jade peonies in full bloom. When I wanted to turn around and avoid him, it was too late, so I could only pretend to walk towards him as if nothing had happened.
There was no one else beside him. Didn't he already have a girl he liked? Why were his narrow eyes so lonely? I even saw the green stubble on his pointed jaw. This was incredible for Jian Chen, whose face was always neat and tidy to the point of .
Anyone with eyes could see that he was unhappy.
Maybe it's because of my mom...
He seemed startled when he saw me, and stood there in a daze, staring at me without blinking. His dark eyes were as deep as a cold pond, as if they seemed to capture me in their sight.
It turns out that after being truly desperate, I was no longer afraid. I walked over to him and said, "I'm sorry. I apologize to you for everything my mother did. I know that the three words 'I'm sorry' can't make up for anything, but this is what my mother owes you, and now I'm saying it to you on her behalf. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but I just hope that saying it out loud can alleviate a little bit of the guilt in my heart. I'm sorry."
I said it all in one breath, and found that facing him after the truth was revealed was not actually a very difficult thing.
He listened to me silently, and his handsome brows furrowed deeply.
After a long while, he spoke, his voice so low and hoarse that it didn't sound like him: "You...know everything?"
"Yes." I nodded. "I know everything."
Apart from that, I couldn't think of anything else to say. As for whether he also remembered that there was a girl named Banxia when he was still called Xiao Shitou, I no longer wanted to ask.
I would rather he didn't remember it, so that he would hate me completely. I don't want him to have any embarrassment because of our past acquaintance.
He looked at me and said nothing more.
As I turned to leave, I heard him ask out of the blue behind me , "I thought you said you liked cornflower blue?"
"It's not because I like it. It's because other people like it, so I like it too." I don't know why, but this is the first sentence that came out of my mouth.
"Is that so?" He was stunned for a moment and said, "But, I remember when I first met you in Baisha, you seemed to have known me for a long time. A long time ago, you and I..."
"Haha, that happened so long ago, I don't remember it very well." I interrupted him quickly, afraid that if he continued, I would burst into tears in shame, or continue to pester him regardless of the consequences.
"Oh, I see." He murmured, his eyes suddenly fixed on something behind me, as if pointing to something, "Is it because others like cornflower blue that you like it?"
I turned around and saw Gu Xi standing far away under the dense shade of trees. She was wearing white casual trousers and a short-sleeved T-shirt, the most beautiful cornflower blue I had ever seen.
He stood far away under the emerald green leaves and smiled at me. That smile was as clean and gentle as the sunshine.
I blinked and felt like I was in a dream.
If I didn’t know that Jian Chen was standing behind me, if the boy smiling at me from a distance was called Jian Chen, wouldn’t this be the most extravagant and beautiful dream in the world?
The boy who had the same slender eyebrows and eyes as him stood in the light gray shadow, and the short-sleeved T-shirt on his body was so blue that it seemed to penetrate into people's hearts like the sunlight above their heads.
I didn't dare to stay any longer, and said to Jian Chen behind me hastily: "Yes, that's right. Because Gu Xi likes it, so I like it."
Then he fled quickly without looking back.
That's fine , even if he misunderstands that the person I like is Gu Xi.
I pretended to be calm and walked towards Gu Xi step by step. No matter whether Jian Chen's eyes were following me or not, I knew that I should firmly and resolutely play the role of his enemy's daughter.
Ai Banxia is just the daughter of Jian Chen's enemy, nothing more. Only in this way will he not suffer and struggle because of the helplessness of reality like I am now.
I stared at the clouds behind Gu Xi that dyed most of the sky. The brilliant colors were like blood falling on white brocade, so rich and bright that it made me dizzy. Therefore, I stumbled unexpectedly on the last step to Gu Xi.
Gu Xi quickly reached out and held me up: "Ai Banxia, ​​even if they think I'm so handsome that it's breathtaking, you don't have to kneel down like this to express your admiration for me, right?"
He smiled, trying to cover up my embarrassment in this way.
"Gu Xi!" I held his arm tightly and tried to speak, but my voice was so small that even I couldn't hear it. "Please take me away from here."
Gu Xi stopped talking and took me away silently. His right arm almost bore all my weight.
I turned around a row of classrooms and walked through a corridor. I made sure that I was out of Jian Chen's sight before I let go of Gu Xi. I sat down weakly on a wooden chair by the corridor and grinned at Gu Xi in a silly way: "Gu Xi, I am the most shameful person in the world."
"No way." Gu Xi looked at me seriously for the first time and said, "No matter what, it's not too shameful to like someone hard."
"Oh!" I waved my hand and pointed at my face. "Gu Xi, you don't have to comfort me. Whether it's embarrassing or not is like drinking water, only you know whether it's hot or cold."
"Then do you think I am also one of the most shameful people in the world?" Gu Xi slowly turned her head and looked at me. There was a smile on the corners of her mouth, but there was no smile in her slender eyes.
"Of course you are not." You are the most proud friend in the world.
"But, just like you, I also like someone." Gu Xi lowered her head and smiled to herself. Her cheeks and ears slowly turned red. Such a detached and unworldly boy actually blushed so tenderly.
I looked at Gu Xi in astonishment, and thought of the girl he had mentioned before. I suddenly felt distressed, for myself and for Gu Xi.
I smiled foolishly and winked at him: "Come on, let's share weal and woe."
Gu Xi was stunned for a moment, then she smiled and ruffled my short hair, saying, "For me, liking someone is a happy thing."
"Wow, so profound." I squinted my eyes and looked at him and smiled. As I smiled, tears suddenly fell from my eyes and I burst into sobs.
Gu Xi turned sideways and generously lent me his shoulder, letting my tears and snot stain his shoulder.
In front of Gu Xi, I don't need to pretend at all.
How happy it is to like someone.
I think I understand Gu Xi's feelings a little bit, just like me now, even though I can't help crying because of the intangible pain, but as long as I think about it, I once liked such a person, I will find that it is actually a painful and happy thing.
I don’t know when it started , but rumors about Gu Xi and I spread around the Baisha campus in early summer. On the way home from school or during breaks, I would occasionally hear a few unabashed discussions.
I don't care what the reason is or who I'm dating. I don't think I need to explain it to them.
I believe that rumors will break down on their own. It was not until one morning when Long Xuan took my hand and asked me about it that I deeply understood what it meant to be afraid of what people said.
Long Xuan held my hand tightly and stared at me for half a minute with the eyes of a fallen girl. "Ai Banxia, ​​you are not really like the rumors say, you are so shocked that you immediately look for a replacement? Don't hurt others because of your own pain. They are so innocent."
She stood up for the "stranger" Gu Xi, but I loved her character very much.
"How do you think I hurt others?" I smiled, "Gu Xi and I are friends."
"Humph!" She glared at me with her bright eyes. "No one would believe that you two are just friends. Would a friend run through the streets of City C just to find that weird fruit candy you like? Would a friend wear a blue shirt every month just because you said you like cornflower blue? Would a friend go and argue with Jian Chen because of you? Banxia, ​​do you need me to give you another example?"
I didn't even notice that Gu Xi had done so much for me, but when did he go to find Jian Chen?
"Long Xuan!" I looked seriously at the girl in front of me who hated evil, "Do you believe me or them?"
Long Xuan gritted his teeth and said, "Of course I still believe you. "
"Gu Xi and I are friends," I said. "I regard him as a confidant, an irreplaceable confidant. Moreover, we met on the Internet before he transferred to Baisha College, but I didn't know he was Gu Xi at that time."
I told Long Xuan how I met Gu Xi, and she heaved a sigh of relief after hearing it: "Banxia, ​​you know I hope you will always be the kind Banxia."
I clapped her hands: "I understand."
"But what exactly happened between you and Jian Chen?" A few days after I returned to school after "recovering from a serious illness", she finally asked me carefully about Jian Chen and me.
I think she should have known that I had been waiting in front of Jian's house in the rain, and she was a friend worth confessing to: "Did you know that Jian Chen once lived on the streets? My mother was the culprit."
Long Huan was so shocked that he could hardly close his mouth. I think the shock in Jian Chen's heart when he learned the truth was definitely no less than that of Long Huan at this moment.
"Banxia, ​​that's not your fault." Long Hao spoke up for me, "Your mother is your mother, and you are you. Jian Chen shouldn't treat you like this."
"No, Long Xuan." I shook my head. "You don't know the hardships of being an orphan. If you had experienced it, you would understand that he was being kind to me."
Long Xuan suddenly fell silent, and then I heard a long sigh. This was the first time I heard her sigh .
After a long while, she suddenly murmured, "Even if that's the case, how could Jian Chen stay with Xu Xiye? I thought he was just dating Xu Xiye to be angry with you, but it's not the case."
Have you always been with Xu Xiye? Jian Chen, please believe me, at this moment, I sincerely hope that you really like the girl named Xu Xiye, because only in this way can you be happy.
Because, liking someone is a happy thing. And I hope you are happy.