The next day was Saturday.
I woke up in the bright and dazzling morning sunshine, vaguely remembering the terrible dream last night. I was startled and broke out in a sweat. When I wiped the sticky sweat from my forehead with my hand, I silently made a decision in my heart - I want to find Jian Chen. No matter why he treated me like that, I have to tell him that I once loved him so much, and I still love him now.
I was afraid that if I didn’t do this, something bad would happen to me, just like in my dream, and I would never have the chance to tell these things until I die.
I hailed a taxi and followed my memory to the simple house on the top of Qingzhi Mountain. The simple house was quiet and secluded among the green trees. Through the tall iron gate, I could see the begonias in full bloom in the courtyard, as bright as fire.
I walked up and rang the doorbell. The security guard came out immediately and asked me what I was looking for. When he learned that I was looking for Jian Chen, he asked my name and said politely, "Wait a moment." Then he went into the house and made a phone call.
After a long time, the door was opened again, and the security guard stuck his head out and said to me, "Ms. Ai, our Master Chen is not here. Do you have anything to say for me?"
"Yes, I have." I nodded immediately.
I knew Jian Chen was at home, and the white Wrangler he often drove was parked in the corner of the front yard.
I said, "Please tell him that I will wait here for him until he is willing to come and see me."
In late May, the sun in City C was gradually becoming scorching. I stood in front of the gate of a simple house in a white ankle-length pleated skirt from morning to noon. Fine beads of sweat slid chin, and finally fell silently on the cement floor under my feet, and evaporated without a trace in an instant.
I stared at the path leading to the main house from the iron gate, feeling that Jian Chen would walk through the courtyard covered with fallen petals and come towards me from the other end of the path. However, countless seconds passed and he never showed up.
Maybe it was because I was dehydrated, I felt top-heavy, as if I was walking on a ball of cotton. The hoarse cicadas' cries under the leaves seemed to be right next to my ears, and I felt dizzy as if my head was going to explode. Fortunately, the wind blew at this time, and I immediately became much more sober.
The Jian residence was surrounded by pine forests. When the wind blew, I could only hear the sound of pine waves in the distance, like thunder. Then the thunder really came, and in an instant, huge raindrops fell on my head. At first, I just felt cool, and then I felt cold. My wet skirt stuck to my body, and I couldn't help shivering when the wind blew.
The rain slowly blurred my vision, but I still stubbornly looked up in the direction of the main house. Although I couldn't see Jian Chen, I knew he could see me.
I stood there for an unknown amount of time before I heard the sound of a speeding car. Then the door suddenly opened and a black Hummer rushed out, stopping beside me with a "bang".
Jian Chen's expressionless face was visible in the wide-open car window. He said, "Don't you understand? I don't want you anymore. If I were you, I wouldn't do such a stupid and boring thing."
I looked him straight in the face and said calmly, “But you are not me.”
I don't know where I got the strength from, but I actually smiled at him.
Jian Chen seemed to be completely irritated by my smile. He didn't even look at me again. He pursed his lips tightly and shifted gears hard. The black Hummer roared out from my side like an arrow and drove down the mountain.
I never knew I had the courage to take such a gamble. Perhaps, such hysterical and desperate madness was just because he was that person.
It was not until someone walked out of the front door of Jian's house and woke me up from my dazed state leaning against the stone steps that I realized from the visitor's gaze how crazy and incredible my behavior seemed in the eyes of outsiders.
He helped me up and said, "Miss Ai, why are you so...stubborn?" When he said this, there was a hint of inexplicable horror and worry in his eyes.
I recognized him as Uncle Xiao, the butler of the Jian residence, whom I had met once before. I still remember the first time he saw me. The sudden surprise and fear on his face will never be forgotten.
I raised my hand to wipe the rain off my face, smiled at him, and said, "Uncle Xiao, I'm sorry to trouble you. But I have to do this."
"Alas!" Uncle Xiao sighed and said, "Forget it, come with me to see the master."
Jian Chen's father wants to see me?
I was very surprised, but still followed Uncle Xiao inside.
Uncle Xiao led me into the study on the second floor of Jian's house. Jian Ran, Jian Chen's father and the leader of the Jian Group, was sitting on a chair behind the desk waiting for me.
When he saw me, he stood up suddenly, and the look in his eyes on my face suddenly became unfathomable, as if he had seen a ghost in broad daylight.
I stood there and greeted him generously, but I was nervous. After all, my behavior was definitely an unforgivable act in the eyes of parents. I didn't know if he would call my mother or tell the class teacher, but at this point, there was nothing to be afraid of.
Uncle Xiao reminded him softly, and he came back to his senses. He smiled at me and said, "I'll have someone take you to take a shower and change into clean clothes, and then we'll talk, okay?"
I shook my head, took a deep breath and said, "Uncle Jian, if it's about Jian Chen, I think I can give you an answer now. No matter what, I will not give up, absolutely not." I said it in one breath, not understanding where I got the courage from.
He looked at me with that strange look again, something like fear.
There were only two of us left in the room. It was so quiet that we could even hear water dripping from the eaves.
Much later, I heard him whisper, "You are a lot like your mother, both are stubborn."
I looked up in astonishment: "Do you know my mother? My mother..."
Maybe it was too sudden, or maybe I had too many questions to ask and I didn’t know which one to ask first.
He avoided answering and remained silent for a long time before adding, "You and Chen'er, you can't."
The tone was very firm.
I saw some clues from his expression, but I didn't quite understand: "Is there any special reason?"
He suddenly looked up at me, as if he wanted to say something but hesitated.
I suddenly seemed to understand: "Is it related to my mother?"
At this moment, I heard a burst of hurried footsteps coming from the other end of the corridor. The footsteps were getting closer and closer, and finally the door of the study was pushed open heavily from the outside. I turned around subconsciously, and it was indeed Jian Chen.
As soon as he came in, he called out eagerly, "Father!"
Judging from the voice, it sounded anxious and scared.
Jian Ran looked at me, then at Jian Chen, and suddenly sighed.
Jian Chen turned his back to me and said, "Father, please let me handle my own affairs." After that, he turned around and grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the study.
He was incredibly strong, and my arm was pinched so painfully that I couldn't help struggling.
He dragged me forward regardless, and the rain soaked him instantly. He turned his head to look at me, his tone colder than the rain: "What did he tell you?"
I was about to cry out in pain: "Nothing."
He stared at me, as if trying to judge the truth of what I said from my expression. After a long while, the corners of his tightly pursed mouth relaxed slightly, as if he had breathed a sigh of relief, but his expression was still cold: "Okay. From now on, don't let me see you again."
He pushed me to the ground, and said through the leaden rain, gritting his teeth: "You know, I hate you. I have never hated you like this before. If you really like me as much as you say, then don't bother me anymore - just think of this as your way of liking me."
The iron door slammed shut in front of me, but I wasn't too sad. Jian Ran and Jian Chen's reactions were so strange, so strange that I had to wonder why he did that.
I knew I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted from Jian Chen, so I could only go home and ask my mother.
I must have looked scary when I got home. Aixi jumped up from the sofa and held my hand: "Sister, don't scare me."
My mother was still as usual, well-dressed and with delicate makeup, sitting on the sofa, drinking tea and reading a magazine. She hadn't even lifted her eyelids since I walked in.
I rushed Aisi upstairs, stood in front of my mother, and said straight to the point: "Mom, please tell me about my mother."
My mother's eyes finally turned from the magazine to me, but after a moment she lowered her head again and said nonchalantly, "I don't know about you. Go ask Ai Yuhua."
"No, mother, I know you know, please tell me." I remembered that night, she screamed in a completely distorted voice, saying, Ai Yuhua, you are too much! How long do you want to hide it from me? Do you think I don't know why you were determined to adopt her and did everything you could to prevent me from sending her away? I already knew your dirty secret.
At that time, I knew that my mother probably knew about my background.
A hint of surprise finally showed on my mother's usually calm and delicate face. She put down the magazine, looked up at me, and her eyes stayed on my face for three full seconds.
"Xiao Xiao!" She called softly, then looked at me inquiringly and said, "Do you really not remember anything? I thought you knew it all along, but just pretended not to know."
I shook my head subconsciously, and then I realized that she was calling me "Xiao Xiao". But my name is Banxia, ​​and I have been called Banxia since I can remember, so how could it be "Xiao Xiao"?
I looked at my mother blankly, and she looked at me, with pity gradually filling her eyes.
She said, "Xiaoxiao, go upstairs, take a shower, change your clothes, and then go to the study and wait for me."
My mother's voice was soft and low, and sounded very gentle. She had never spoken to me like this before. Perhaps because of this, I listened to her and went upstairs obediently. Or maybe, I subconsciously knew that what my mother was going to tell me next was unusual, and I needed to conserve my energy to listen to it completely.
When I changed my clothes and knocked on the study door, my mother was sitting with her back to the door, smoking. I never knew my mother smoked.
She heard me come in, put out her cigarette, turned around and looked at me and said, "Xiao Xiao, do you really want to know? There are many things that may be better if you don't know them."
I was frightened by my mother's serious tone. I was stunned for a moment, then nodded firmly and said, "Yes, I want to know. Please tell me."
Mother's eyes suddenly became dazed and deep, as if she had fallen into some terrible memories. I had seen the same look on Jian Ran's face before.
When my mother waved for me to go to her side, the rain that had just stopped for a while started to fall again, rustling on the floor-to-ceiling windows, like my mother's chattering.
Many years later, when I think back on it, I still can't believe that my mother could tell me such a story in such a calm tone.
What was I like at that time?
I only remember that I was silent at that time, and I had to hold on to the edge of the table tightly to barely stand, but in the end I still fell to the floor.
I want to cry, but I don't have a single tear.
The mother's calm yet cruel voice, like the sound of rain outside the window, echoed in my ears for a long time.
She said, Xiaoxiao, your mother's name is Yu Yin, and she is my classmate in college, just like your father Shui Mo. Your mother is smart and beautiful, and no boy doesn't like her, but she only loves your father. They love each other very much and got married right after graduating from college. Everyone thinks they are a perfect match. But, can you imagine that later, your mother became the third party who destroyed other people's families. Yes, a third party that everyone despises.
She said, Xiaoxiao, you know, I have never regretted so much. Even now when I think about it, I still feel that I am responsible. If your mother and I were not good friends, if I had not invited her to C City to relax, if I had not taken her to that party, she would not have met Jian Ran, and perhaps nothing would have happened.
She looked at me in panic, nodded and said, "Yes, Jian Ran, Jian Ran from the Jian Group. They fell in love at first sight at that party. Your mother fell madly in love with him and gradually began to be dissatisfied with being just Jian Ran's lover. But at that time, Jian Ran had already married Zhu Lingling and had a child. Your mother resolutely threatened to die and forced Jian Ran to divorce.
Mother said, how can it be that simple? Your mother is still too naive. How can a man give up his career and power for a woman? Moreover, the Jian family was on the verge of bankruptcy at that time and needed the financial support of the Zhu family. How could he divorce Zhu Lingling and marry your mother? Therefore, from the beginning, your mother was destined to be penniless. However, no one expected that something even more terrible would happen!
My mother looked at my face and sighed, "Xiaoxiao, you are too much like your mother sometimes. You are both so persistent and stubborn, so stubborn that it's scary." Your mother concealed her emotions very well. At that time, even Jian Ran probably didn't expect your mother to do such a crazy thing. She used the condition of visiting Jian Ran's house as a final condition for breaking up, and then took Jian Ran's son away when no one was paying attention, and threw him on the street in another city. Later, the truth came out, and your father was furious, and he threw your mother...
I took a deep breath. I finally understood why Uncle Xiao and Jian Ran looked as if they had seen a ghost when they first saw me.
It was as if all the air around me was sucked away in an instant, as if I was in a vacuum. The suffocating feeling that was worse than death made me dizzy.
Isn't Jian Ran's son Jian Chen?
It turned out that the reason he became an orphan and suffered so much was because of my mother. It was my mother who kidnapped him and separated him from his parents.
No wonder at that time, when he looked at the photo in my necklace pendant, he said that he seemed to have seen the woman in the photo somewhere.
He must have hated my mother, otherwise, he would not have still had a vague impression of her in his subconscious after losing all his memories.
He should remember everything now, right?
Did he also remember that I was Pinellia from the orphanage?
I smiled bitterly. Now, what's the point of remembering who I am?
I am my mother's daughter. This is an unchangeable fact.
He must hate me, that's why he ignored me after remembering everything.
It was not until now that I truly understood the real meaning of Xu Xiye's words, "Even without me, you and Jian Chen would never be together in this life."
Yes, there is no possibility for him and I to be together in this life.
He hated me so much.
He said, you know, I hate you, I have never hated you like this before.
It's reasonable for him to hate me. If it were me, I would probably be the same as him, so I don't blame him at all.
The truth was so cruel, but I didn't shed a single tear.
I stared blankly at the falling rain outside the window and asked my mother, "What did my father do to my mother?"
"Later..." Mother paused, put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Xiaoxiao, do you really not remember?"
When my mother said these words, I was sitting in front of the floor-to-ceiling window. Suddenly, a bright flash of lightning flashed through the lead-gray rain in front of me, as if it was striking right in front of me.
When the thunder exploded, I couldn't help but flinch.
After the thunder, the rain suddenly became heavier.
Outside the window, it was pouring rain. The raindrops hit the awning with a "crackling" sound, and it felt like someone was hitting me in the head with a hammer. My head felt like it was about to split.
I curled up with my head in my hands, and heard my mother calling me again and again: "Xiaoxiao, Xiaoxiao..."
Xiaoxiao, Xiaoxiao, such a strange, yet familiar name. Where have I heard it before?
I instinctively stopped myself from thinking any further. Something was stirring deep in my mind, as if it was about to burst out of my skull in the next second and turn into a monster that feeds on human souls.
However, those fragments buried deep in my memory came flooding back uncontrollably.
It was a summer day with heavy rain. In the dim room, there was a strong fishy and sweet smell. The little girl was huddled under the table, shivering, with her hands covered in bright red sticky liquid. Just a few minutes ago, she heard the man fiercely calling the woman a "bitch", and then she watched the man stab the woman's chest with a long fruit knife...
Finally, the man walked to the window, looked back at her reluctantly, and then jumped down with a "bang". Her world collapsed at that moment.
The woman, who was breathing her last, stretched out her hand towards her and called out intermittently: "Xiao Xiao... Xiao Xiao..."
Yes.
The man is my father, the woman is my mother, and Xiaoxiao is me.
At that time, when I was six years old, I instinctively chose to forget, to forget that bloody fact, as if it had never happened; as if I had never had a name called "Xiaoxiao"; as if I was born as the orphan named "Banxia"; as if I was reborn at the age of six, turned into a hedgehog that could not speak or laugh, with thorns all over its body, locking up that bloody past and myself in a place where no one could reach, until he appeared.
He stood in the warm sunlight, smiling and opening his palms to me. The honey-colored fruit candy looked like a huge teardrop in the amber sunlight, or like a small sun, easily illuminating my gray world. It was also from that time that he became a vital existence in my life.
But I know that from now on, this sun will never appear in my world again. From now on, my world is dark.
My tears finally burst out, hitting the wooden floor silently and violently, one by one, just like the double cherry blossoms in Nara that bloomed wildly on the branches when I met him again.
I know that this time, I really lost him.
My mother squatted down to look at me, and gently stroked my back: "Xiaoxiao..."
I raised my head, and in the midst of the tears that could not be stopped, I tried to smile: "It's okay, I'm really okay, really."
My mother looked at me and suddenly let out a long sigh. I thought she wanted to say something, but she didn't say a word. She just sat on the floor with me silently, watching the bleak wind and rain outside the window.
After a long time, she whispered, "Remember, it was also a rainy day when you came here?"
I was stunned for a moment, then realized she was talking about the day I came to Ai's house from the orphanage, so I nodded and said, "It was at night, and it rained non-stop."
The mother smiled reluctantly: "Ai Yuhua called me and said you would probably be home at ten o'clock in the evening. I went downstairs at nine and waited at the door for an hour. When I carried you out of the car, you didn't cry, but held on to the seat tightly and refused to get out. Your eyes were fixed on the rearview mirror, as if there was something more important than life in it. Later, I tempted you with candy, and you finally let go and let me hold you, but you just looked at me, pursed your lips and didn't want to eat a single candy I fed you. Xiaoxiao, you see, you have always been a very special child. I know that from the beginning, you didn't like me."
I was secretly surprised that my mother could remember such a long-ago event so clearly. It turned out that she was not as indifferent to me as I thought. I didn't tell my mother that I stared at the rearview mirror and refused to get out of the car, just because the little stone that had been running after the car disappeared from the orphanage when I left. I thought that as long as I kept looking at it, the little stone would appear again. And I didn't eat the candies she fed me because I was afraid that eating those beautiful and delicious candies would make me forget the taste of the most ordinary fruit candies. And I didn't want to forget.
For a long time, I thought my mother didn't like me first, but I didn't expect that she thought so.
I shook my head and softly denied: "I don't dislike it..."
"It's normal that you don't like me. I wasn't nice to you. But, Xiaoxiao, you know, I don't want to be like that, but I can't control myself." Mother waved her hand to interrupt me, and sadness gradually appeared on her usually proud face. "In the second year since you came, I discovered Ai Yuhua's secret. He has always had a woman in his heart. That woman is none other than your deceased mother. It's ridiculous that I have been fighting with a person who is no longer alive for more than ten years, but in the end I still lost miserably. Ai Yuhua no longer wants to look me in the eye. I know that this matter has nothing to do with you, and I shouldn't vent my anger on you. It's just that when I think of how Ai Yuhua loves your mother Yu Yin deeply, I get jealous and crazy. When I see your face, I think of your mother... Xiaoxiao, can you forgive me?"
As my mother said these words, she kept looking out the window, and the fingers holding the cigarette were trembling slightly.
This was not the calm and self-controlled mother I was familiar with. This was just a pitiful, ordinary woman who was hurt by love. It was not that she did not love me. She just loved her husband too much. She loved me so much that she hated me because she was jealous of my mother, but she also loved me so much that she was willing to tolerate the daughter of her rival living in front of her for so many years. What was her fault? She just loved someone too much. I suddenly understood the indifference she had shown me before. She actually loved me. She just couldn't face my face that looked too much like her rival.
I felt relieved all of a sudden and whispered to her, "Mom, you didn't do anything wrong, so you don't need to ask for my forgiveness."
She was a little surprised, and looked at me sideways. She didn't say a word for a long while, and finally burst into tears. She slowly reached out and hugged me, murmuring: "Xiaoxiao, I'm sorry, Xiaoxiao, mom loves you. You are so sensible, how could mom not love you..."
"Mom..." I hugged her and tears fell uncontrollably again.