Standing at the entrance to the backstage, I needed to take a deep breath to suppress the slight trembling of my hands. Across the chaotic figures in the room, I saw Jian Chen at a glance.
He sat on the sofa in the corner, looking down at his phone, still with that indifferent and distant expression, like a piece of polar ice, silently emitting a bone-chilling chill that made people shiver.
But my eyes moved down and fell on his clothes, and I couldn't move them away. I could hardly believe my eyes. The thin sweater he was wearing was cornflower blue.
I told myself, maybe, maybe, it's just a coincidence. But in an instant, I denied it, no, no, I would rather believe that he chose this sweater for an occasion like today because I once said I liked cornflower blue.
Yes, I would rather believe that.
I stood at the door, staring at him motionlessly, hoping that he could feel my gaze. The next second, he really turned around, his eyes were so deep that they seemed to see through everything. My revived heart began to beat violently.
However, his eyes fell on my face but paused for only a moment, and then turned away as if nothing had happened, as if I was invisible.
It was as if someone had poured a basin of cold water over my head, chilling me to the core. I stood there, feeling cold all over, as if I were in an ice cave, like a puppet at the mercy of a makeup artist.
I heard the host announcing the program, and when he read my name and Jian Chen's, the audience cheered. Someone pushed me from behind, and I realized that I was going to go on stage. I mechanically walked to the drum set and sat down. When I looked up out of habit, I found that Jian Chen was already standing in front of the microphone.
I waited for three full seconds, but he didn't turn around. He just stood there quietly, looking at the audience.
According to convention, before the start of this kind of singing and accompaniment program, the singer should give the accompanist a hint. However, he did not turn around, even if it was just for the needs of the performance, he refused to turn around and look at me.
I gritted my teeth and struck the first note, and almost at the same time, Jian Chen uttered the first syllable. I don't know how he did it, but what I know is that he refused to even look back.
Obviously, those notes were so intense and cheerful, but they sounded like someone was wailing loudly, or like a farewell song knocking on the heart, again and again, until the heart was blurred with blood and numb without feeling any pain.
I heard him singing: "I could be your boyfriend! Hey Hey You You, I know that you like me..."
The timbre was perfect, but he lost the rhythm. Although he quickly adjusted himself, I knew that a musically gifted person like Jian Chen would never make such a low-level mistake.
I looked up at him in surprise. His profile was hidden in the shadow of the stage lights. I couldn't make out his expression, but I felt it was vaguely strange.
Then, I caught a small movement of his: his left hand, which was not holding the microphone, was tightly clenched into a fist and placed close to the left side of his body. I know that he would only do this movement subconsciously in one situation, that is, when he was nervous.
So, is he nervous now?
What is he nervous about?
Before I could think too much, it was already the chorus part, and I sang along with the rhythm: "Hey Hey You You!"
The next sentence was: "I could be your boyfriend!"
When Jian Chen sang this line, he seemed to subconsciously turn his head slightly towards me. At that time, the dim light fell on his eyebrows, like a dream. Although it was only a moment, I could see clearly that his sad eyes were filled with depression and pain.
My heart felt as if it was stabbed fiercely by an extremely long and thin needle. It hurt so much that I couldn't breathe, but in the next second I felt so happy that I felt like flying.
Gu Xi, I feel it.
I felt his heart.
His heart just told me that he likes me.
It seemed like in the blink of an eye, the song ended and the audience burst into applause.
He did not stay to take his curtain call with me. When the last note fell, he walked off the stage so quickly that it seemed as if he was escaping.
If it weren't for that look, I would have thought that he didn't want to stay with me for even one more minute, but now I know that he was afraid that staying too long would reveal the secret that he still liked me.
I searched for Jian Chen in the background. I wanted to ask him why he did this? Why did he pretend not to like me when he obviously liked me? This time, no matter how vicious his words were to hurt me, I would not believe his lies again.
However, I searched the backstage thoroughly but didn't see Jian Chen. Then I remembered that he should have gone to the ball.
The dance venue was set up in the lobby on the first floor of the school's exclusive hotel. When I arrived, melodious music was already floating out of . The bright crystal lamps reflected the energetic faces of the boys, the handsome boys, and the pretty girls.
My eyes wandered over the young faces, but I didn't see Jian Chen or Ai Xi, and even Gu Xi seemed to have disappeared.
Turning around, I saw Xu Xiye wearing a purple long dress standing in the foyer leading to the cloakroom from afar, looking eagerly, as if she was waiting for someone.
Only then did I suddenly realize that Jian Chen must have gone to change into a dress, and she was waiting for him there.
Should I go straight to find Jian Chen, or should I wait where I am?
I couldn't make up my mind for a moment.
Just as I was hesitating, I saw someone walking out of the shadows at the corner of the hallway. He was wearing a black suit, a silver bow tie, and narrow eyes. He looked up and his eyes swept across my face. My heart was beating so fast that it seemed to burst out of my chest, but the next second, the intense heartbeat slowly returned to silence.
When I saw the corners of his mouth slightly raised and he smiled towards me, I knew he was Gu Xi, not Jian Chen.
But what happened next was a little confusing to me. I raised my hand to signal Gu Xi, but he pretended not to see anything and walked straight towards Xu Xiye. He leaned over and whispered something in her ear, which made Xu Xiye smile. She immediately took his arm and walked to the center of the dance floor.
I stood there in a daze, my mind was in a mess, my thoughts were like tied up in countless knots and I couldn't make any sense of it, but I knew something bad was about to happen.
It was not until Gu Xi led Xu Xiye past me without looking away that I suddenly realized what he was doing.
He said, Banxia, ​​I will help you.
He looked at me sideways and said jokingly, "Is it true enough to be mistaken for the real thing?"
He wanted to pretend to be Jian Chen and trip up Xu Xiye so that I would have the opportunity to get close to Jian Chen.
He is really a fool even more foolish than me. As smart as he is, how could he not think of the flaws in this method? But why did he still insist on doing it?
I knew I should have stepped forward to stop Gu Xi. However, I stood there, my feet rooted to the ground, my mouth open but unable to make a sound. I wanted to turn around and shout his name - Gu Xi.
However, when the person with the same face as Gu Xi appeared in the hallway, I swallowed all the words without thinking. I know how selfish I am, but I can't control my will at all.
I comforted myself by saying that it would only take a short while, and I only needed to say a few words to Jian Chen. It didn't matter, the first dance hadn't started yet, and even if it did, Gu Xi should be able to hold on for a while.
As I was thinking this, the lights in the hall suddenly dimmed and a waltz started playing. The opening dance was the waltz, which was known for its light rotations. Then Gu Xi's legs...
My heart skipped a beat and I rushed towards Jian Chen anxiously.
As if in a dream, in the hazy light and shadow like water and moon, Jian Chen stood quietly, looking at me without blinking with his slender eyes, as if he wanted to engrave me in his heart.
He stared at me with his eyes full of pity, bent down slightly, stretched out his hand and said, "Banxia, ​​let's have one last dance."
As if I was bewitched, I forgot the original reason for looking for him and Gu Xi's situation. The only thing I could do was to put my hand in his.
Johann Strauss II's "The Blue Danube" is beautiful and melodious. I followed Jian Chen and danced to the melodious music, feeling so light that I seemed to float up in the next second.
I couldn't help but look up at him, and I met his deep and cold gaze, which was no longer gentle, but cold enough to make my dance steps messy. He didn't say anything, but just focused on dancing. When I occasionally stepped on his foot, he lowered his head to look at me, and then continued without saying a word.
This person was becoming more and more difficult for me to guess. In the dreamy, misty light and shadow, I could no longer see his face clearly. I could only ask him softly in a dreamlike voice in the rapid rotation: "Why?"
He leaned to the side to follow the music, his eyes hidden in the shadows of the dim light, and deliberately avoided answering, saying: "Didn't you say that we should have a beginning and an end? Then let's fulfill your wish and end it with this dance."
"You know, that's not what I'm asking." I looked up, stared into his eyes and said, "You obviously like me."
After saying that, I stared at him without blinking. I saw a flash of struggle in his eyes, and I couldn't help cheering in my heart. It turned out that my feeling was right.
I looked him straight in the face, not giving him any chance to hesitate. "Why do you want to lie to yourself? You obviously said that on purpose for some reason."
Even through the heavy suit, I could still feel the stiffness of his back when I placed my hand on his shoulder. But in an instant, he returned to normal.
This time, he didn't rush to deny it. Instead, he chuckled and said, "So what? The fact is that I don't want to be with you anymore."
I closed my eyes, and his laughter seemed to still echo in my ears, full of determination and helplessness that I couldn't understand. That helplessness made me heartbroken, and also made me sure that there must be a reason why he broke up with me. I told myself that this time, I must not give up so easily.
I slowly raised my face, wanting to ask all the questions in my mind.
The brisk music was suddenly interrupted at this moment, and I heard Xu Xiye's sharp voice: "Dead cripple!"
Immediately followed by a loud "pop".
Something seemed to explode in my head. I turned my head subconsciously and saw Gu Xi staggering in the middle of the dance floor. He slowly raised his head in the surprised eyes of everyone, and his eyes passed over the shoulders of countless people and fell on my face. The moment he looked at me, a smile slowly bloomed at the corner of his mouth.
I don't know how I got in front of Xu Xiye. I only remember that when I slapped her hard on the right face, she didn't even have time to scream.
"Please take back what you said!" I glared at Xu Xiye, my eyes almost spitting fire.
Xu Xiye was stunned by my sudden palm strike. He covered his right face for a long time before coming to his senses. He narrowed his eyes and said, "I told you, you cripple! What's wrong?"
Gu Xi pulled me from behind, but I stood still stubbornly, squinting my eyes and confronting Xu Xiye: "Listen carefully, if you say it again, I will hit you once."
"Dead cripple! Dead cripple! I said it again." Xu Xiye raised his face in protest, approached me, and smiled like a vicious witch, "Ai Banxia, ​​do you think you can make the fake look real by finding a dead cripple? Do you think you can snatch Jian Chen back from me like this? What a joke. I tell you, even without me, it would be impossible for you and Jian Chen to be together in this life. You only deserve to be with this dead cripple, because you are just like your parents..."
I didn't know what vicious words she would say next. She could scold me, but she couldn't say anything about Gu Xi and my parents. I was trembling all over, and before she could say anything more outrageous , I raised my hand and slapped her.
However, my palm didn't land after all, someone grabbed my wrist tightly. I turned my head and met Jian Chen's cold eyes. He held my wrist , allowing Xu Xiye to demonstrate to me proudly.
It turns out that he protects Xu Xiye so much.
It was as if millions of needles were piercing my heart at the same time, causing me to feel dizzy with pain. I bit my lips stubbornly to stop the tears from falling. I just stared at Jian Chen with my eyes, struggling with all my might, trying to block that palm strike.
But he held my wrist so tightly, and his eyes were so determined, as if he would stop me from hitting him even if it meant breaking my wrist.
It turns out that in his heart, I can be insulted at will.
It turns out that he cares so much about Xu Xiye, the person who insults me so wantonly.
I used all my strength to break free from his grip, and my tears welled up again. I turned my face away, stubbornly confronting him.
I think I was probably mad with jealousy, otherwise my arm wouldn't hurt so much that it felt like it was about to break, but I still refused to give up. For a long time, I thought that as long as I worked hard, he and I would have a good result. However, now, all I can hold on to is probably this little bit of dignity.
The figure in front of me gradually became blurred, and the bouquets of flowers, walls, tables and chairs used as decorations in the hall began to shake, as if the world was spinning.
I closed my eyes and vaguely heard someone shouting coldly, "Jian Chen, that's enough."
I opened my eyes blankly and turned to look. In a blurry image, Gu Xi stretched out her hand to me and whispered, "Banxia, ​​let's go."
His bright eyes stared at me without blinking, and endless pain slowly accumulated in his eyes, as if he would be shattered into pieces by the pain in the next second.
Only then did I realize that at this moment, the person who truly cared about me was Gu Xi, not Jian Chen.
At this moment, the only thing I can do is to flee under Gu Xi's protection. If, at this moment, I have lost my love, then I cannot lose my only remaining dignity.
But if love is gone, does dignity still matter?
I had been holding back my tears for a long time, but they finally burst out the moment I walked out of the hall. It was a pity that it wasn't you who stood up for me when I needed you the most.
Along the way, I just felt cold and shivered violently. Gu Xi was probably frightened by my appearance, and remained silent, just hugging me tightly all the way, as if I would fly away in the next second if she didn't do that.
I don’t know how long it took, but he helped me sit down on a bench. He then wrapped me like a dumpling with his coat, and put my hands to his mouth and blew on them.
He did all this in silence before saying, " Sorry , I screwed up."
"I should be the one to apologize," I said sadly, "I was too selfish and caused you to be..."
He interrupted me and said, "I planned this from the beginning to the end. You didn't know anything about it, and you didn't ask me to do anything. How can you say you are selfish?"
He had been hit by Xu Xiye and was humiliated because of me, but now he stood on my side and spoke for me. I couldn't help but be moved, and looked up at him, only to find that he was by the Moon Lake.
Behind him is a pond of green lotus. The green leaves flutter in the breeze, standing tall like a canopy. Among the countless green leaves, lotus flowers are blooming peacefully and gracefully, bathing in the moonlight, bright as jade, purer than snow, just like the look in his eyes as he looks at me now.
I looked at him and confessed to those clear eyes: "From the moment you walked towards Xu Xiye, I knew what you were going to do, and I also understood the consequences of your actions. I clearly knew that both the waltz and the foxtrot would cause great harm to your legs, but I still didn't stop you. If this isn't selfish, what is it?"
He sat down beside me and didn't speak for a long time. I thought he was angry with me, but I heard him say, "Banxia, ​​are we friends?"
I was surprised and didn't know why he asked that, but I still answered, "Of course."
He nodded: "I remember you said that you like all the characters in my novels, why?"
"Because of the friendship between them."
"I thought this was friendship." He pointed at me and him, smiled slightly and said, "Banxia, ​​I am willing to do anything for you in the name of friendship."
"But I couldn't do anything for you, and I caused you to get beaten." I looked at his slightly red and swollen right cheek, my heart full of guilt.
"Why didn't you do it?" Gu Xi said disapprovingly, "You risked your life for me and Xu Xiye."
I didn't tell him that the hysteria that followed was just because I was angry at Jian Chen for defending Xu Xiye, and it wasn't entirely because of him.
My right wrist ached slightly. I lowered my head and could vaguely see the bruises on it. Thinking of how fiercely Jian Chen pinched my wrist, the tears I had just held back began to flow again. I could only raise my head and pretend to look at the stars: "Wow, the stars are so bright tonight."
I regretted it as soon as I said it. Although there was a bright moon, the sky was covered with clouds. Where was the star?
Not only did Gu Xi not expose me, she also looked up at the sky like me and said, "Yes, look, that one is the brightest."
I turned my head to look at him. Why is this person always as warm as the sun?
"Gu Xi!" I called his name. I didn't want to make him worry too much, so I joked heartlessly, "You can't move me again, otherwise, I really think that aliens have invaded the earth and replaced your and Jian Chen's heads."
"Really?" After a long while, he looked up at the night sky and laughed, "This joke is not funny at all."
I think this joke is probably not that great, otherwise , the smile on his face wouldn't be so forced.
From afar, the fragrance of lotus floated over with the breeze, making people feel clear-minded. Gu Xi and I didn't say anything, but just looked up at the night sky quietly, as if there was really a vast starry sky there.
In the dark night sky in the distance, there were gorgeous fireworks blooming with a whistle, and in a flash, it returned to dead silence. At this moment, I heard Gu Xi whispered: "In fact, there is something more touching."
He stretched out his right hand in front of me, and his palm was covered with colorful and beautiful cellophane.
"What is it?"
He peeled off the cellophane layer by layer, revealing what was wrapped inside, and said, "Sugar."
It is the kind of hard, transparent, amber-colored fruit candy that is rarely seen on the market.
"I don't want children's stuff." I turned my face away, resisting instinctively. The most annoying thing was the emotions such as being reminded of the past by the sight of the scene and the things that reminded me of the people, but I couldn't help but secretly look at it.
He seemed to be able to see through my heart at a glance. He put a piece of candy in my mouth and said good-naturedly, "You are a hypocrite."
A sweet taste bloomed from the tip of my tongue and slowly seeped into my left atrium, a strange yet familiar taste. This is a taste I haven't tasted for ten years. I thought time had already made me indifferent to it, but I didn't expect it to have been engraved into my bones.
It turns out that some things cannot be forgotten just because you want to, just like Jian Chen and the love that I just passed away.
I held the candy in my mouth, sobbing and speaking incoherently, "Gu Xi, you must have done this on purpose. You actually found something that can't even be found in an antique shop. You must want to see me cry and lose face, that must be the case. Tell me, how did you rack your brains to find them?"
He looked at me and smiled, saying, “You can do it if you put your heart into it.”
I remained silent, not quite agreeing in my heart.
Can I do it just by putting my heart into it? But why did I end up like this even though I put my heart into some things?
When Aixi found me and Gu Xi by the Moon Lake, I was eating the last piece of candy. Judging from Aixi's expression, he probably knew what happened at the party, but he didn't say anything. He just came over, patted my back, and took me home.
On the way back, Ai Xi quietly pulled my sleeve and said, "Ai Banxia, ​​I like Gu Xi more."
I knew what his subtext was, but I pretended not to understand: "So you like Gu Xi, but, I remember Gu Xi is a boy."
"Ai Banxia!" Ai Xi seemed very angry. She glared at me for a long time but just said something in a conscientious way, "You should cherish the person in front of you."
I don't know where the nameless anger came from, I turned around and yelled at him: "I just like Jian Chen, I only like Jian Chen, I just want to think about Jian Chen all the time, this is called cherishing the person in front of you."
It seems that I can hypnotize myself and deceive myself that nothing is real.
Ai Xi must have been really mad at me. She looked like she was really disappointed with someone. She gritted her teeth and yelled at me, "Then if you have the ability, go and cherish her. Go and tell Jian Chen. Don't cry alone in secret. What kind of ability is that?"
"Let's go." I didn't give in at all.
"Okay, go ahead." Ai Xi glared at me angrily, "Ai Banxia, ​​I will never care about you again."
After saying that, Aisi turned around and left.
I jumped behind him and shouted, "Just ignore it."
Then, I saw Gu Xi. He stood in the orange light of the street lamp in the distance, with a bunch of white roses quietly blooming beside him. The moon showed its face at this time, and under the watery moonlight, the bunch of white roses moved with the wind, and the shadows of the flowers fell deep and shallow on his eyebrows.
For a moment, I felt that Gu Xi, who was looking at me with a smile from afar, seemed transparent, as if she would disappear in the night wind if I touched her.