I thought that since it rained heavily all night, the next day would be cloudy and rainy, but when I opened my eyes the next day, I saw a ray of sunshine coming in.
I was stunned, stretched out my hand and caught the sunshine.
The sunlight has color, not pale. I quickly got up from the bed and opened the curtains. At that moment, I instinctively blocked my eyes. I saw the sunlight, and I could see the color of the sunlight!
Why?
I don’t quite understand why I can see the sunlight, just like before, why I could hear Dr. Jiang’s voice?
I put on my clothes and ran to find Dr. Jiang. Did he do something to me yesterday so that I could see the sun? Because I was eager to know the reason, I was not afraid of the pedestrians for a few minutes.
I ran into the infirmary, grabbed Dr. Jiang, and asked him anxiously, "What did you do to me? Did you do anything yesterday?"
Doctor Jiang looked at me blankly. He gently pushed my hand away, shrugged and said, "I don't know what you are talking about. What's wrong, Xu Minyou? How dare you go out by yourself and come to see me?"
"Answer me!" I became anxious, but my patience was limited.
He finally got serious: "I really didn't do anything yesterday. I just injected a sedative into you so that you could have a good sleep. What's wrong? What happened to you?"
I opened the curtains and used my hands to catch the sunlight coming in through the window: "Light gold, I seem to be able to see the color of the sunlight."
Doctor Jiang's eyes lit up, and he looked at me in surprise: "Not bad, I thought that if you could recover to the point where you were no longer afraid of people, that would be the best outcome of the treatment. I didn't expect that you could also recover your color vision. This is a good sign. Maybe you can really become a normal person again."
"But why do I feel scared?" After seeing the sunshine, what surged in my heart was not joy, but uneasiness.
It was as if something that I really didn't want to see was about to happen.
"Well, maybe you still want to isolate yourself subconsciously. After this period of time, you will adapt and it will be fine." Doctor Jiang thought for a while and asked me, "Can you recall what you remember? What happened to you yesterday?"
I sat down on the stool, not wanting to think about what happened yesterday.
"I seemed to have hallucinations in the dark. I saw a butterfly flying towards me accompanied by a lot of sunlight. I don't remember what happened afterwards very clearly," I said.
"Butterfly?" Doctor Jiang was a little surprised. "Interesting, is the butterfly you are talking about Lu Nanxi?"
I didn't say anything, but Doctor Jiang seemed to have understood: "It seems that my guess was correct. The fundamental reason why there was a crack in your world was Lu Nanxi. Later, you could hear sounds and see colors, but they were all branches growing from the crack. It's better to say it's an illusion than a crack."
"This is indeed a dangerous signal." Doctor Jiang's expression gradually became serious. He said, "I can make a guess. If your world denies her existence, then the illusion will disappear and your world will return to the way it was before."
"I was wrong. I thought she was a fulcrum that could pry open your tightly closed world." Doctor Jiang looked very annoyed. "She is not a fulcrum. She is a seed. The seed germinates, grows, and finally blooms and bears fruit."
"What will happen in the end?" I was only interested in the results. I didn't really understand what Dr. Jiang said. In my heart, the seed and the crack were the same. I had indeed changed because of her. As long as this didn't change, then nothing else mattered.
Dr. Jiang shook his head and said regretfully, "To be honest, I don't know either, because your situation is too special and too strange. Few autistic patients actively want to return to the world of normal people, and all your motivation comes from a girl. I don't know what will happen in the end."
"Maybe you will become normal, maybe you will return to the starting point." Doctor Jiang took off his glasses and blinked hard. "But no matter what, I think it's a good thing to see the sun. The sun always makes people feel warm. Only when people live in the sun can they keep a gentle heart. Just like everything cannot live without the sun, this is a truth."
After leaving Dr. Jiang's place, I seemed to understand something, but I also seemed even more confused.
However, Dr. Jiang is right. No matter what, being able to see the sun should be a good thing.
I was about to walk towards the apartment building, but after taking a few steps, someone suddenly grabbed my shoulder. I was so startled that I looked back and saw that the person who grabbed me was Song Yan.
I was very surprised. Why was he here? What did he want to see me for?
His lips moved, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I could only try to guess what he might have said by looking at his lip shapes.
But he spoke too fast, and I had never learned lip reading, so I had no idea what he was saying for a moment. I felt a little anxious. He saw that I was just looking at him without saying anything, and his expression seemed to be getting worse and worse.
He suddenly grabbed me and walked forward. I hurriedly asked, "Where are you taking me?"
He looked at me in surprise, and his expression told me that he had just told me where he was going, but I couldn't hear him. I didn't want anyone to know this, but now it seems that I can't pretend anymore.
If everyone knew that Xu Minyou, who seemed cold and indifferent in their eyes, was actually a deaf person who couldn't hear anything, would they look at me with the kind of disgust that I hate?
"Song Yan, what are you doing!" Her voice suddenly appeared at the corner. Her face looked very bad. She rushed forward and tried hard to pull Song Yan's hand away, but Song Yan held it very tightly and she couldn't pull it open for a while.
Song Yan seemed to be arguing with her. I was secretly anxious and became agitated again. Why couldn't I hear it? If I could hear it, then I would know what they were arguing about.
"I told you, it has nothing to do with him!" She was rarely so excited, "Song Yan, he is my friend, just like you are my friend too!"
My heart suddenly trembled and I looked at her face in astonishment.
In her heart, am I really the same as Song Yan?
Is it possible? I know better than anyone what Song Yan means to her. Song Yan is her sun, the direction her eyes follow, the secret love she carefully guards, and the sadness she dares not speak of or touch.
I watched them arguing, and I saw Song Yan's face becoming more and more uglier, even a little sad.
I still don't know what they said. I can only stand aside and can't help. If I let them know my secret, will they stop quarreling? Will Song Yan stop showing her such an expression?
I pursed my lips and lowered my head.
"I can't hear you." I whispered, "Song Yan, actually all along... I couldn't hear what you were saying."
I looked up at Song Yan, his expression was full of surprise and disbelief, he opened his mouth and said something. I looked at Lu Nanxi in confusion, she was obviously shocked by what I said suddenly, and she was still in a daze.
"I don't know what you two are arguing about. If it's because of me, then I'm sorry." I looked at Lu Nanxi's face and reached out to touch her hair, but my hand finally stopped in mid-air and finally landed on Song Yan's hand. I used a little force and slapped his hand away. "Do you think I'm pathetic or ridiculous?"
"Stop talking!" She suddenly shouted, turned to Song Yan and said, "Are you satisfied now? Everyone has their own secrets, and everyone has something they want to protect. Song Yan, don't you have any?"
Song Yan opened his mouth and suddenly smiled. He looked at me, and the emotions in that look were so complicated that I felt like I was struck by lightning.
I seemed to have spied on something. I took a step back and said, "Song Yan, you..."
"Don't say it." He said these two words to me, and the flying spirit in his eyes seemed to disappear. I don't know since when, the boy who seemed sunny at first sight also had such eyes.
"Don't say it." He repeated it again, then turned around, walked slowly forward, and finally disappeared from my sight.
She was the only one left standing in front of me. She was silent for a moment, looking very apologetic. I walked over and whispered to her, "You don't have to feel sorry. If it's really because of me that you're upset, I wouldn't be happy about it."
She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. Even so, I still want to say sorry."
I smiled at her, reached out and pinched her face, and said, "If you really feel sorry, then just smile. The sun is shining brightly today. It would be a pity to look sad on such a bright day."
She looked at me in surprise: "This is the first time I heard words of comfort from Xu Minyou."
She smiled happily and said, "It's such a nice sunny day, do you want to go out for a walk?"
"Okay," I said.
She put her hands in front of her eyes, and suddenly remembered something, and said, "Xu Minyou, let's go see the maple leaves. I heard that there are large tracts of maple trees on the hill behind the school. In this season, they should be as colorful as fire."
I was instinctively afraid and wanted to say no because I was afraid of the color of the maple trees, but seeing how excited she was, I swallowed my words. This was the first time she invited me to go out, two people, alone.
So I said "OK", she took my hand and ran forward quickly. I stared at her hand holding mine, this was the first time she took the initiative to hold my hand.
The corners of my mouth couldn't help but rise. Only now did I realize that I was a person who could feel satisfied so easily.
The maple forest that I was afraid of doesn’t seem so scary anymore, and now I can’t see the red maple colors all over the mountain.
The maple forest on the back mountain of the school is actually on the back of the mountain behind the playground. She probably had inquired about it a long time ago, so she was very familiar with the route. Half an hour later, we finally stood at the edge of the maple forest.
She looked at the maple forest with surprise and exclaimed, "It's really beautiful, Xu Minyou , can you see it? The whole mountain looks like it's on fire."
I looked at the light grey maple leaves in front of me and said, "Nanxi, do you like maple leaves?"
"I like it." She said with longing, "But I like the magnolias more. When all the magnolias bloom next spring, this city will be very beautiful."
The color of the viburnum.
I recalled that I had come to see the color of the viburnum that had regained its color on her fingertips.
"Hey, Xu Minyou, let me tell you a secret." She turned around and looked at me, her eyes seemed to contain the stars she had picked from the sky that night. "No one knows this secret, and I have kept it for many, many years."
"Are you telling me because you trust me not to tell anyone? Or is this secret too heavy on your heart so you decided to share some with me?" I asked her with a smile.
She thought about it and replied, "Both. I don't know why, but I just believe Xu Minyou won't tell anyone. I think if it's Xu Minyou, then there must be no problem."
"Nanxi, you." She said something that was impossible to refuse without permission.
She sat down on a big rock, resting her hands on her cheeks, looking at the maple trees, and said, "Xu Minyou, I like someone, and I have liked him for a long, long time."
My heart suddenly ached. I was probably the first person to know this secret.
She went on to say, "But I didn't dare to say it out loud. I was afraid because I felt that my world and his world had no intersection at all. How could someone like me pull down such a dazzling guy and make him stand only by my side?"
"I had already decided that I would just stand far away and secretly watch him for the rest of my life." When she said this, her tone suddenly became very low, "But, the sudden shortened distance made me overwhelmed. Xu Minyou, you know what? He said I was a good friend. Old classmates plus new classmates are enough to evolve into a good friendship."
"In fact, I almost told him how I felt that day." She smiled and stuck out her tongue a little embarrassedly, "I'm so glad I didn't tell him, otherwise we wouldn't even be able to be friends."
She treated me as a good listener and told me what was in her heart for the first time.
I have heard many of her little secrets before, but she didn't realize my existence at that time. Now, she takes the initiative to tell me these secrets. Does it mean that she has already accepted me in her heart?
But what she said is also a reflection of me. She will probably never know that there is another person in the world who has the same feeling.
I thought of the text message that was in the draft box and had not been sent. After all, she and I were both cowards. We were both afraid of losing and breaking everything we had now, so we were complacent and dared not move forward.
But she didn't know that even though she was like this, she encouraged me.
At least now I want to face the world properly.
"Do you know why we quarreled today?" She suddenly looked at me and said, "Because he suddenly took a superior attitude. He didn't allow me to come to you again, didn't allow me to care about you, and didn't allow me to associate with you. I think he was weird. He said you are dangerous."
"He said, 'Lu Nanxi, why are you always unaware of the danger around you? It was like this during military training, and then it was like this when you were scalded by boiling water, and then you took care of an abnormal person like Xu Minyou.'" She lowered her head and threw pebbles unconsciously, "Xu Minyou is not abnormal, Xu Minyou is just... a little special."
It's just a little special.
There was a loud noise in my head, and something made a crackling sound.
"So I had a fight with him. He thought I was crazy and that he was infected by you and became abnormal, so he came to you and asked you to break up with me." She laughed, and her eyes turned red. "Xu Minyou, he said that we are good friends. If that's the case, why did he quarrel with me for such a reason? I had a momentary illusion that in his eyes, I was actually a little important."
"Tell him." I looked up at the sky, "Tell him how you feel. Maybe it's not an illusion. You are really important to him."
"Impossible." Her eyes dimmed. "Xu Minyou, the reason why a miracle is a miracle is because the probability of its existence is really too low. Even if I work hard to get into this university, even if I give up my favorite German major and choose English like him, there is no way to create a one in ten thousand chance."
"He won't like me." Her tone was so lonely and sad.
At this moment, it was as if time had turned back, and she vaguely returned to the past, on the rooftop, she was wearing a light blue dress, holding the stuffed bear, lowering her head, and said sadly: "He will not like me."
After so many years, she really hasn't changed at all, still the girl in my memory.
"Secrets are exchanged for secrets." I wanted to ease the sad atmosphere, so I pretended to be relaxed and said, "Nanxi, why don't I tell you a secret too."
She looked at me with wide eyes, a hint of curiosity in them.
I remembered she said that she would be curious about secrets but would not take the initiative to explore them.
So maybe if I don't tell her some things, she will never ask me.
"Hey, Nanxi." I suddenly wanted to know, "What kind of existence am I in your heart? You said that I am your friend just like Song Yan. Am I really the same as Song Yan?"
She was stunned, with a hint of surprise in her eyes. She quickly looked away. At that moment, she didn't say anything, but I already knew the answer.
Some people are irreplaceable, just like Song Yan to Lu Nanxi, just like Lu Nanxi to me.
"I'm just asking," I said.
She shook her head and said softly, "No, it's different. I don't know why, maybe it was from the first time I saw you, I had a feeling that I absolutely couldn't ignore you."
"You are probably more special than Song Yan." She said, looking troubled. "I have known Song Yan for so many years, but I have only known you for two months. When I see you, I always think of a saying: Old hair is as fresh as new, and old friends are as close as ever."
She glanced at me with sparkling eyes: "Xu Minyou, you are very special. You are a very special friend to me. I have never thought about protecting anyone. Even if I have a crush on someone, I would just watch them secretly. But I don't know why, I always want to protect you."
"That's terrible." I lowered my head quickly, not wanting her to see my red eyes. "I'm a boy, but I made a girl want to protect me. As a boy, I'm such a failure."
She reached out, picked a maple leaf and handed it to me.
A small maple leaf flashed a beautiful color at her fingertips.
"I really want Xu Minyou to see this beautiful maple forest." She murmured, looking at the maple trees all over the mountains. The breeze blew and the maple leaves swayed gently. "You haven't told me your secret yet."
"Apart from not being able to hear the sounds of this world, everything I see is black and white," I said.
She was silent for a while, looked at me sheepishly, and said, "Dr. Jiang told me this secret a long time ago. He also told me that you can hear my voice."
I was stunned. What a guy, Dr. Jiang!
"He just... wants to help you." She said, as if observing whether I was angry or not.
"He didn't say it all. I can't hear this world, but I can hear your voice. I can't see the colors of the whole world, but you are the only scenery in my eyes." I said, looking at her quietly.
She was stunned at first, then smiled brightly: "So I am also very special to Xu Minyou."
I nodded slightly.
She said, "You know what, Xu Minyou? You just encouraged me. I originally thought that no one would notice an inconspicuous guy like me, but you told me that I am the only color you can see. Does this mean that I am also a little special?"
"Everyone is special." I remembered what she said before, "Just like everyone thinks I'm an abnormal person, but only you think I'm a little special."
We stopped talking at the same time, I looked at her, and then we both burst out laughing.
"Why do I feel like we are complimenting each other?" She said with a smile, "But, Xu Minyou, thank you. I haven't been in a good mood , but I feel much better now."
Seeing her happy face, I felt very happy too.
Looking at the vast maple forests, I seemed to be looking forward to seeing how beautiful the maple leaves on the mountains would be.
We returned to school before the sun set.
Back at the apartment, I opened the curtains to let the sunset in. I thought, if I try to get used to the color of the sunset first, and then see the color of the maple leaves, will I be less scared?
I turned on the computer and was about to write an email to my grandfather, but at this moment, there was a knock on the door.
I was wondering if it was Dr. Jiang who came to see me, but when I opened the door, I found someone standing at the door who absolutely could not be here.
The person who appeared in front of me was Guo Jiani.
She smiled at me, and I felt strange. Why did she know I lived here? What did she come to see me for? I didn't like this girl very much. Her eyes always made me feel uncomfortable. In addition, she hurt Nanxi twice, so I couldn't like her at all.
She opened her mouth and seemed to say something to me, but I couldn't hear it.
She reached into her pocket and took out a sticky note, and quickly wrote a line of words with a pen: "Would you like to invite me in and sit down?"
"You are not welcome here." I said coldly.
She smiled, as if she didn't care at all, and continued writing: "Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?"
"I'm not interested in knowing." I reached out to close the door, but she slipped in before I could.
After she came in, she looked around, pulled out the whiteboard on the wall, took out the marker on it, and quickly wrote: "You are not interested in knowing about Lu Nanxi?"
What does she want to say?
Regarding Lu Nanxi's matter, I can't seem to keep calm.
She seemed a little proud. She wrote: "I know you like her, right? But I'll tell you a secret. She has always had a crush on Song Yan."
I looked at her coldly, and at this moment I suddenly realized that Guo Jiani was actually a very pathetic girl. She thought she had grasped something, but she was really ridiculous.
I have always disliked people who sell out other people's secrets. There are always some people who are too smart for their own good and think that everyone is a pawn in their hands who can be used and bribed, but they will never realize that in the eyes of others, they are just a clown.
"Would you like to cooperate with me? Then, Song Yan and I will be together, and you can also be with Lu Nanxi as you wish." She looked at me with a smile, "How about it? Neither of us will suffer any loss."
"Does Lu Nanxi look like a threat to you?" I asked calmly.
A hint of annoyance appeared on her face as she said, "She's just an insignificant fellow. How can she be a threat?"
"Then why should you cooperate with me? Since she is not a threat, her existence or non-existence has no effect on you." I picked up another marker and wrote a sentence on the blank space on the whiteboard: "Because you found that Song Yan actually cares about Lu Nanxi, so even the insignificant Lu Nanxi has become a threat to you. You are just afraid that one of them will confess to the other, and then you will be completely out of luck."
Her face turned pale and she looked at me as if she had seen a ghost: "How did you know?"
"It's none of your business. Go away. You are not welcome here. Also, three times the limit. If you do anything to hurt her again, I will not let you go." I said coldly.
Guo Jiani wanted to say something, but I pushed the whiteboard away. She gritted her teeth, turned around, walked to the door, opened it and walked out.
She slammed the door, but unfortunately I couldn't hear the bang.
I sighed. I was right. The look in Song Yan's eyes when he looked at me at that time was one of defense, unwillingness, and perhaps some other emotions.
In Song Yan's eyes, I am a threat. Thinking of this, I feel a little bitter and a little relieved.
I could see his thoughts from that glance! Song Yan hid it too deeply. I just didn't expect that a boy like that would actually set his sights on a girl like Nanxi.
I thought it was just my illusion, but when I almost said it, he silently said to me: "Don't say it."
Everything became transparent.
Perhaps from the beginning to now, Nanxi and I are not the only cowards. Song Yan, who looks energetic, sunny and cheerful, is just a coward like us.