I want to break my world. I want to go outside, to the world where she is.
I can't selfishly drag her into a world where only I exist. She can't be with me forever - twenty-four hours a day, and I can't bear to deprive her of her freedom.
So I chose destruction.
I don't know how far I can go. Dr. Jiang told me that I must try to get used to those looks until the day when I no longer care about them. Even if I still can't hear sounds or see colors, at least I can overcome my psychological fear and be able to walk with her on the crowded streets.
If I can't even do this, I have no right to say "I like you" to her.
So I decided that, at least until I could stand those looks, I would not call her again, and would not rely on her as a loft to hide in. But I found that I really overestimated myself. I endured for several days, but I still couldn't stop myself from shaking.
Just this morning, I finally broke down. I was supposed to go to class, but as soon as I walked out of the apartment building, my mind began to be swallowed up. I felt anxious and uneasy. I wanted to run away, to hide, like I had hidden in the attic before, hiding forever and never coming out again.
I stood there for a long time, trying to adjust my breathing, but it was no use. I could hear my breathing getting more and more intense. I finally ran away. I think I must have been like a madman at that time. In everyone's eyes, I was abnormal. I was suffering from a disease. I think I was not strong enough. If I had been stronger, and had not chosen to escape and become a coward at that time, maybe I would not be like this now.
I ran all the way, looking for a place to hide, and finally I locked myself in a quiet little house in a daze.
The house was dark, which gave me a moment of peace of mind. I hid myself in a corner, but even though it was such a small room, it still felt too empty. In the darkness, it seemed like something hiding that made me tremble. I finally couldn't help it, so I took out my phone and called her like I was grasping at a lifeline.
She seemed very anxious on the other end of the phone. She asked me, "Where are you? I'll come to you right away."
I looked at the dark little house, then looked down at myself, and suddenly I didn't want her to see me like this.
I always want to see her when I am in the most embarrassing moment. If it is still like this, then what is the point of me trying so hard to change myself? Everything will return to the starting point again. I still regard her as the only safe haven in this world.
I don't want this to happen.
I hung up the phone and the world instantly returned to silence. I couldn't hear anything and everything in front of me was pitch black, I couldn't see anything.
Let's stay in the darkness forever. I can't drag her into the darkness just because I yearn for color. She has always been looking up at her sun, so let her stay with the dazzling Song Yan. It's enough for me to stay in the darkness alone.
The light in my heart is disappearing little by little.
As for colors and sounds, they seem to be disappearing bit by bit.
I don’t know how long I stayed in this darkness. I felt every muscle in my body was cramping. I thought this was probably the final limit.
But at this moment, a voice came into my ears, someone was calling my name.
She shouted: "Xu Minyou, where are you?"
who is she?
Who is calling me? Someone seemed to brush my face. In the darkness, I saw a layer of light white. My mother in her youth held my face with both hands and said, "Xu Minyou, you can't give up. You promised your mother that you would live well."
"Mom doesn't like children who don't keep their promises." She said to me with a sigh.
She loosened her hands, and her body floated away like a petal.
"Bang——" There was a loud noise at the door, and a large amount of light came in. I subconsciously wanted to cover my eyes, but if I covered my eyes, my mother would disappear.
I looked in her direction, and at that moment, I was stunned.
I saw the light golden sunlight shining in, and a light blue butterfly gently flew into the darkness. I instinctively wanted to catch it. I rushed over and grabbed it tightly, but before I could take a good look at what the butterfly flying in front of me looked like, I was pulled up, and then a pain made me almost faint.
At this moment, the world returned to black and white. The sunlight was white, the grass was light white, and the girl who was once the only color in my eyes was now only light blue, almost blending into the white.
She wanted to chase her sun. I wanted to let her go, but my hands held her tightly.
I am still a coward after all. I can't step out of my own world, but I don't want her to step out of my world either.
I don't know if I succeeded in catching this butterfly. When I regained my sanity and woke up from my chaotic thoughts, I opened my eyes and saw her back. She didn't leave, and I finally kept .
At this moment, my empty heart seemed to be finally filled.
She walked me back to the apartment building. I knew that for a boy to let a girl walk me back was a very bad behavior, but at that moment I didn't want to worry about it anymore. As long as she was still here, it was fine.
She said goodbye to me. Watching her walking farther and farther away in the rain, it was as if the last ray of light was slowly disappearing. This kind of torment was really too fatal for someone who had just walked out of the darkness.
At that moment, my body reacted faster than my mind. I rushed forward, braving the increasingly heavy rain, and threw myself desperately towards the light.
I still couldn't help but drag her into the darkness.
"Wipe your hair." She handed me a clean towel, walked around, and finally stopped by the window. She exclaimed, "You can see the playground from here!"
I remember that time when she asked me to play basketball and her eyes glanced over at me inadvertently. I took several steps back guiltily. I thought she already knew I was there. Now it seems that I was overthinking at that time.
She walked up to me, bent down and looked at me for a while, and said, "Although I know it's not good to leave you here alone, but... it's late now , I need to go back."
I pursed my lips and wanted to say, don't go, just stay here and let me know that I'm not alone here.
But I know that this request is too willful and selfish.
I said, "I'm fine now, you can go back."
She squatted in front of me, looking at me with her dark eyes, as if she wanted to spy on something. She asked me, "Xu Minyou, are you crying?"
"No, it's just that the rain fell into my eyes and it hurts," I said.
"Is that so?" She looked at me. I was soaking wet and now only covered with a dry towel. "Are you cold? You'd better take a hot bath and change your clothes."
"I'm not cold." If your heart is warm, you won't feel cold.
She was silent for a long time, then stood up, walked to the door, turned around and said, "Then I'll go back. You should also take a shower and go to bed early. Good night."
"Yeah." I smiled at her, then looked at the closed door and hugged myself tightly as I shivered.
Actually, I lied. It wasn't the rain that hurt my eyes. I was very cold and my whole body was stiff.
I stood up, walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and the hot water poured down from my head. When my whole body was warm, my heart calmed down. For the first time, I felt at a loss, not knowing how to face tomorrow.
I used to shut myself up in a small attic, not looking forward to tomorrow, nor avoiding it. But later, because a girl accidentally broke in, I began to look forward to tomorrow.
Later, hoping to see her again, I came to the outside world, hoping to have the courage to face this world.
But now, I can’t tell whether I’m afraid of tomorrow or still have hope.
Will I still have tomorrow like this? You see, the rain is falling so hard, as if it will last until the day the world ends. Will the sun still rise tomorrow?
I looked at the water drops flowing down the shower head, they looked like human tears.
Tears make people vulnerable. I once told myself not to cry. How can a boy cry weakly in the dark?
I closed my eyes, and the things I didn't want to recall came to my mind.
At that time, I was locked in a dark house when I was young. I was shivering all over and wanted to escape, but I couldn’t go anywhere. I was too young at that time, so young that I didn’t have enough strength to protect myself.
I hate this world, I hate the world that made me like this.
What I feared most was the color of blood. There were large blood stains everywhere. I rushed to my mother and tried to wake her up, but she didn't wake up. All I was left with was a pool of bright red blood. I was afraid of this color. The reason this color exists is because someone has left forever.
I am afraid of this bloody world.
So my world was only black and white. I was a coward, I escaped, I no longer wanted to see people, I almost became an orphan, I had to face all kinds of eyes, some mocking, some pitying, some indifferent, some greedy. These eyes followed me everywhere, as long as there was a little gap, they would appear.
I hid myself away, and my grandfather found many doctors to treat me, but they all said that I was just sick, with a disease called autism. So my grandfather prescribed expensive consultation fees, hoping that someone could cure my autism.
From that day on, all kinds of noises filled my ears. They surrounded my room and never stopped no matter how I screamed or told them to shut up.
They said, "Come out, little kid, just be obedient. Come out, the world outside is much more beautiful than inside the house."
They said, "What a willful fellow! A young master who has never suffered any hardship, can't he bear such a small blow?"
They said, "Do you think I am here to accompany you because I am really bored? If your grandfather did not charge a high fee, who would be willing to treat you?"
…
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I covered my ears hard, pushed open the door, pushed away the housekeeper who was trying to stop me, and ran out regardless of anything.
I ran up to a small attic in one breath, closed the only door leading to the outside, and drew the curtains. This small place suddenly made me feel at ease.
I haven't felt such silence for a long time. I curled up in a corner and fell asleep. When I woke up again, there was no sound in my world anymore.
My grandfather found me. I watched his mouth opening and closing. I had no idea what he was saying. I only saw turbid tears flowing from his eyes and he hugged me and cried.
I closed my eyes and curled up in his arms and told him, "I like this place."
Later I stayed there. My grandfather sent me a lot of books, so I spent many years alone in that attic.
I turned off the shower, walked out wearing a bath towel, picked up my cell phone, and found the only phone number in it. My hand reached for the delete key, but I didn't.
I want to give it another try. If it doesn’t work this time, then I will go back to my own world and never come out.