I began to suffer from insomnia all night long. Even when I did fall asleep, I would always be awakened by strange dreams. Then I could only stare at the ceiling with my eyes open until dawn. However, I would always feel surprisingly energetic the next morning.
The days passed by as quickly as flowing water, the only difference was that no one would turn around and say to me, who was walking slowly behind them, "Hurry up, idiot!"
Look, time is so magical that it will never change its speed because of people's retention or hatred. Therefore, those happy and beautiful things will always become the past, and those painful and sad things will always come.
I heard that the lotus flowers in Yuehu Lake have bloomed; I heard that Jian Chen picked the most beautiful one and gave it to Xu Xiye; I heard that they are very close...
It is said that it only takes thirty days to develop a habit. I have become accustomed to sending a text message to Jian Chen every morning. Sometimes I would tell him where I saw beautiful flowers; sometimes I would tell him what kind of math problems I encountered that made me rack my brains. But later, there was only a "Hi".
I had long lost the courage to stop him halfway. Sometimes I even subconsciously avoided him because I was afraid to see him and Xu Xiye together. I was even more afraid that he would look at me with disgust again.
What's more, the graduation exam is approaching, and I shouldn't bother him at this time. I told Long Xuan this reason, but in fact, I was more comforting myself.
When I have no classes, I like to take a comic book, sit on the wooden bridge leading to the pavilion in the middle of the lake, put my bare feet in the clear water of Moon Lake, and stare at the bright flowers and green leaves all over the pond.
Gu Xi, who is also a third-year student, seems to be very relaxed and often comes to talk to me. Sometimes Xiaoyu comes along too. She is no longer so hostile to me, but still refuses to talk to me. She always stands aside and quietly examines me with her big eyes. I don't know why, but I always feel that there is a hint of hostility in her eyes when she looks at me.
One day, I had just read a page of a novel when someone quietly approached me. She was wearing pink Crocs with all kinds of odd-shaped buckles on the uppers. It was Xiaoyu.
Without looking up, I patted the seat next to me and said, "Hi, Xiaoyu."
She stood beside me and said sullenly, "How did you know it was me?"
"So you can speak Chinese." I smiled and looked up at her and winked. "You don't know, right? I am a deity in heaven, um, what you call an angel, omnipotent and omniscient."
"You are not an angel." Xiaoyu stared at me, looking tense. "There are many things you don't know."
Xiaoyu's undisguised hostility aroused my curiosity, so I asked in a persuasive way: "Then tell me, is there anything I don't know?"
I looked at Xiaoyu in confusion.
She stared at me with her big eyes for a long time before she gritted her teeth and said angrily, "I won't tell you."
I guess she probably thought that I would snatch away Brother Gu Xi, whom she regarded as her idol, so she was so hostile to me.
I closed the book and said seriously, "Xiao Yu, he will always be your brother Gu Xi. No one can take him away from you. This will never change. And I regard him as my best friend, the kind of close friend who can talk about anything. So, like you, I will never hurt him. Please believe me."
Xiaoyu sat down beside me, took off her shoes and dipped her feet into the cold water like me. She just looked at me silently, as if she was thinking about the credibility of what I just said.
After a long time, she suddenly said to me in a begging tone: "Ai Banxia, ​​can you please stay away from Brother Gu Xi?"
I asked in surprise, "Why?"
"You will hurt Brother Gu Xi." Xiaoyu said with certainty.
"How could it be?" I don't know why she came to such a conclusion, "How could I hurt Gu Xi? I..."
Xiaoyu interrupted me and said, "You are already hurting him."
I was about to explain when I heard someone yelling, "Xiao Yu!"
I looked up and Gu Xi was already in front of me.
Gu Xi probably mistakenly thought that Xiaoyu had done something impolite to me again, so she stopped me so loudly.
I quickly explained: "Hey, relax, Xiaoyu and I were just chatting...um, Angel."
Xiaoyu made a face at me, and when she stood up, she quickly said something in Italian in my ear.
Gu Xi frowned almost imperceptibly, which showed that the foreign words that I couldn't understand were probably not something nice.
I looked at Xiaoyu's back and asked him, "What did this little girl say just now?"
"She said you are a beautiful angel." Gu Xi answered without changing her expression.
"You're lying!" I didn't fall for it. "From the way she spoke, she didn't sound like she was complimenting me."
Gu Xi didn't respond. She took out a big box from behind her and handed it to me, saying, "This is for you."
"What is it?" I saw that the box was very delicate and he looked very serious. I was stunned for a moment, not knowing whether to take it or not.
"It's just a dress," he said casually, "Xiaoyu dragged me shopping the day before yesterday, and I thought this dress might suit you, so I bought it."
I leaned over and saw white French letters printed on the champagne-colored box. As far as I know, this brand obviously has no store in City C, so how could he have "bought it by the way" the day before yesterday?
But I didn't point it out. I just pointed at my washed-out jeans and said, "I already have too many clothes to wear. Besides, jeans are the most suitable for me. When I go to a place with mountains or water, I can just sit down. It's comfortable and free."
I gently shook my feet in the lake water, and water immediately splashed up. A few drops of water fell on his cheeks. He didn't wipe them off, but just smiled at me and said, "I already have a lot anyway, so I don't mind one more."
"Okay." I reached out to take it. He looked very calm and composed. It would seem awkward for me to refuse.
I opened the box and was stunned after taking a look. It was not an exaggerated and gorgeous dress, but just a simple dress of the simplest style. The only special thing was that it was a cornflower blue dress.
"How did you know I like cornflower blue?" I remember I didn't tell him I liked this color, or maybe he just happened to choose this color.
"This!" He smiled even more happily when I asked him this. "Anyone can guess it. Your Weibo background has always been this color."
"So that's how it is." I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't want to alienate him as a friend for any special reason.
"What else?" He smiled, crossing his arms.
I lowered my head and sighed, pretending to be frustrated and annoyed: "Please don't laugh at or tease those who are so sentimental. She is already ashamed of herself."
He suddenly stopped talking, silently lowered his head and looked at the rippleless water surface. After a long while, he said in a very low voice, "Nothing." Then, he immediately raised the corner of his mouth and said, "Did someone have wild thoughts just now?"
"How come there isn't one?" I shook the box in my hand and said unconvincedly, "This brand obviously doesn't have a store in City C, but you insisted that you just bought it the day before yesterday. Moreover, I saw this style in a magazine, and it's a spring model, so it's obvious that you bought it a long time ago. See, even if I'm being self-indulgent, I was probably misled by you."
He obviously didn't expect me to say that. He stood there, staring at me for a long time without saying a word.
I felt a little guilty when he looked at me. I began to doubt whether I was being too sentimental. I even thought about how to reject him tactfully.
Then, he suddenly chuckled and said , "Okay, I confess. Actually, I did buy this skirt a long time ago. It's just that I wanted to give it to someone else when I bought it, and then she... I couldn't give it to her. So, now I'm just reusing it. I don't mean to be so cruel."
What he meant was that I forced them to do it.
"So you thought I was a recycling bin." I patted my chest and sighed, "I was scared to death. I thought you... you know, I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"I'm not a fool. Everyone in Baisha College knows that you like Jian Chen." He paused, then said, "It's fine for me to be your friend."
I felt relieved when he said that. Then I remembered that he looked a little lonely when he talked about the skirt , so I asked, "What happened to her later?"
"who?"
"That's the person you wanted to give this dress to in the first place." Although he didn't say much, from what I observed, that person must be very important to him.
"Oh." He sat down next to me, put his hands on his sides, looked up at the sky, and the corners of his mouth slowly curved up, "Of course I will live happily forever."
It seems that he is also a sad person like me. I imitated him and sighed at the cotton candy-like clouds in the blue sky: "What about you? Are you sad?"
"Not upset."
"Why?"
"I just want her to be happy." After saying that, he actually laughed, as if this was not a sad thing.
I almost cried because of his words. How much do you have to love someone to say "as long as she is happy"?
Anyway, at least I can't do it now. Even if I just think about the scene of Jian Chen being with someone else, my heart will feel like being punched hard, and it hurts so much that I can hardly breathe.
"I can't have this dress," I said. "It means something to you."
"You wear the same thing." He looked at me softly and said, "I want you to be happy, too."
"Happiness?" I murmured, "It seems like a very distant thing."
He turned his head to look at me and said with certainty, "It's not far at all. You forgot that the 'White Sand Night' is in three days. I said I would help you."
It turns out that time flies when you are sad. Three days later, it will be the "White Sand Night". I was slightly surprised, but also a little bit expectant. Then, overwhelming despair came like the sea. I knew that this might be the last time I would stand by Jian Chen's side.
Two months ago, he stood beside me and sang the song "Girlfriend"; a month ago, he held my hand and said that tomorrow would only be better than today; even just half a month ago, he looked at me with an unprecedented tenderness and said that he would definitely help me find my biological mother.
But what about now?
Things remain the same, but people have changed.
I never went to Susan's store to pick up the two dresses. Before, I didn't have time, but later, I couldn't go. Even when I passed by a store with a similar window, I didn't dare to stop and look at it, for fear that the tears I tried so hard to hold back would burst out, that my efforts to pretend to be safe and sound would be exposed, and that Aisi would be sad to see me heartbroken and collapsed.
But I know that those tears that have not fallen have already turned into a river in my heart.
The rehearsal was the night before the "White Sand Night". Ai Xi accompanied me to the auditorium. The moist night air was filled with the faint fragrance of bamboo. The wind came out from the bleak bamboo forests on both sides, making a rustling sound, as if it was sobbing softly.
I couldn't help but wrap myself tightly, but I still felt cold.
When we were almost at the door of the auditorium, Ai Xi suddenly stopped and held my hand: "Sister."
He looked worried. I knew what he was worried about. He was afraid that I would lose control when I met Jian Chen.
I blinked my eyes and smiled at him, "Don't worry. I would never do such a sensational thing as hugging my ex-boyfriend's thigh and crying. Don't worry, I won't embarrass you."
I can say this with such certainty only because I know Jian Chen will not show up at the rehearsal tonight.
I think my smile must be uglier than my cry, so Aixi kept calling me from behind: "Sister..."
Although I already knew the answer in my heart , I couldn't help but search among the crowd. After searching back and forth twice, I finally gave up and accepted the fact that he refused to even see me.
Someone on the stage was singing "Blue and White Porcelain": "The sky is blue and waiting for the rain, and I am waiting for you..."
The music is long and distant.
I vaguely remember the first time I met him in City C. It was also in this season of apricot blossoms and mist. The Nara double cherry blossoms covered the ground, and the breeze blew up the bright red, pink and white flowers. He walked slowly from the misty sea of ​​flowers. I stood at the other end of the road, imagining his surprise when he recognized me. However, in the end, he just walked away without distraction.
It turns out that the ending of "passing by each other" was already destined.
When I heard the director calling my and Jian Chen's names, I stood up and slowly walked onto the stage. Amid the slightly surprised gazes of others, I focused on playing the song "Girlfriend" and sang silently in my heart with my head down.
I thought I wouldn't cry, but when I looked up I was surprised to find my face was wet and cold.
Under the bright lights of the auditorium, someone was leaning against a seat in the back row, his head slightly tilted. His smooth forehead was gradually exposed in the somewhat dazzling light. His dark eyes were quietly looking at me on the stage, calm and elegant.
I know he is Gu Xi, not Jian Chen.
There were a few moments when he lowered his head and hid his eyes that seemed like they would always smile in the shadow of his bangs, and I almost thought he was Jian Chen.
"White Sand Night" is divided into two parts. The performance time is from 8 to 10 pm, and the dance time is from 10 to 12 pm. My show and Jian Chen's show are the third to last, and the performance time is about 9:45. Therefore, I did not go backstage early, but hid on the roof of the auditorium to get some fresh air.
I was staring at the inky sky in the distance when Gu Xi came up to me. He had changed his usual dress style and was wearing a formal black tuxedo with a silver bow tie. He looked handsome and elegant, and when he wasn't smiling, he looked a lot like someone.
I was stunned by what I saw.
He came over, stopped a step away from me, tilted his head to look at me, and said, "Is it true enough to be mistaken for real?"
I knew he was trying to amuse me in this way, so I blinked and said seriously, "Did I remember it wrongly? Today doesn't seem to be 'Fancy Dress Night'. Do you want to play the game of changing into someone for a second?"
He was startled, then understood, reached out and tapped my forehead gently, saying, "Silly." Then he started laughing to himself. When he laughed, I felt that the bright stars in the sky behind him dimmed instantly.
I didn't say anything, I just stared at him intently. Except for the gentle smile that seemed to never disappear, I couldn't find any difference between this face and Jian Chen.
Although I had already got confirmation from Jian Chen, I still couldn't help but ask him again: "Are you sure you don't have a brother?"
He was stunned for a moment, and did not directly answer my question, but just said: "Why do you ask like that?"
"Because they look so alike." I murmured, "How can there be two people in the world who are not related by blood but look so alike? It's simply a miracle."
He smiled and said nonchalantly, "Maybe this miracle is a gift from God to you."
I was stunned for a moment, and suddenly said with emotion: "It would be great if you were him."
He didn't say anything, just lowered his head and smiled. In a trance, I seemed to hear a soft sigh. But when I looked at him again, his face was full of smiles.
I guessed he must have been thinking I was a fool again, so I said, "Unfortunately, I know you are not him."
The wind on the roof was very strong, blowing my hair into disarray and covering my eyes. I heard Gu Xi say, "He's downstairs, aren't you going down?"
I almost blurted out, "No."
Then I was startled by my own sharp and strange voice. Yes, I was afraid, I was avoiding, I thought I could pretend that I didn't see anything just now by not facing Jian Chen and Xu Xiye's smiling faces. But in fact, just now, I was standing here, watching him open the car door for Xu Xiye, and then holding her hand and walking into the auditorium step by step.
He even kept smiling at her, whereas he never smiled at me like that.
I forced myself not to think about it, but my brain was out of control. His smile was like a sharp sword, piercing my heart, and the bone-chilling coldness slowly eroded my limbs from my left chest.
I hugged my arms tightly, but still couldn't suppress the slight trembling of my body.
My shoulders felt heavy, and then I felt warmth. In a trance, I heard Gu Xi calling me anxiously, "Banxia."
I looked up blankly and smiled bitterly at him: "See, I am just useless."
Gu Xi wrapped me tightly with his dress: "Banxia, ​​you shouldn't make yourself suffer like this."
"Then what should I do? What should I do?" I looked at him, at a loss, like a child who has lost his way and can't find his way home.
"Go find him and ask him clearly." Gu Xi held my shoulders with both hands, as if trying to wake me up from a nightmare, "You can't torture yourself like this anymore."
"No!" I broke free from him, took a step back in horror and said, "No, I don't want to see him. He doesn't like me anymore, he even hates me, the way he looks at me is full of hatred..."
"Banxia," Gu Xi grabbed my shoulders, lowered her head, and stared into my eyes for a long time, as if to give me courage, "Ask your own heart, doesn't it want to know? Doesn't it want to know why Jian Chen proposed to break up, and why he suddenly got together with Xu Xiye? Does it really not want to know? Are you really willing to let go like this?"
His tone was very soft, and I gradually calmed down after hearing his whisper-like questions.
Yes, how could I give up willingly? If I could, why would I be so embarrassed right now? Escaping can only bring endless torture. Taking a step forward, whether there is light at the end of the tunnel or complete despair, it would be better than now, right?
However, whenever I thought of the look of hatred in Jian Chen's eyes when he looked at me, my heart seemed to be suddenly hollowed out, and I truly experienced what it meant to be disheartened.
"Does it matter why? No matter what the reason is, the result is the same, that is, he has begun to hate me. Gu Xi, you know it's useless. When he looked at me like that, I knew it was useless."
"Banxia!" Gu Xi patted my back gently, "Don't just look with your eyes, feel with your heart. Eyes can sometimes deceive people, but the heart will never. If his heart likes you, no matter what he does, his heart can't deceive you. Therefore, only by feeling with your heart can you feel a person's true intentions."
"But..." I still hesitated.
Gu Xi said again: "There is one thing, don't you find it strange? Why did Jian Chen choose Xu Xiye who had targeted you before?"
I was stunned, then I understood what he meant: "You mean..."
I knew that Gu Xi said this to comfort me, but I still hoped it was true. Maybe Jian Chen was with Xu Xiye just to make me angry.
It's not that he doesn't like me anymore, he's just mad at me.
But why was he angry with me? I couldn't figure it out. Maybe, as Gu Xi said, it's time to untie all the knots.
I returned Gu Xi's dress to him, then took a long breath towards the starry sky and said, "Gu Xi, you are right. People always have to learn to face reality. Come, let's go downstairs and relax. Cold wind? To hell with it."
After hearing what I said, Gu Xi seemed to be greatly relieved and finally smiled.
After a long while, I heard him say very solemnly behind me: "Banxia, ​​I will always be by your side."
I knew he wanted to give me courage and strength in this way . I didn't look back, but just stretched out my hand to the back and made a gesture of "everything is fine".