December 25th is Chen Jinmo’s birthday, and he asked me to go to Brother Lei’s billiard room.
I haven't been here for a long time.
The interior has been renovated, with abstract and exaggerated graffiti sprayed on the walls and ceiling, the floor has been knocked down and replaced with marble, the pool table is brand new, and even the people inside have become unfamiliar.
In Chen Jinmo's mind, people like Brother Lei should be very cool, especially since he is willing to play with Chen Jinmo. To Chen Jinmo, it might be like a reward.
Chen Jinmo said that when he gets old he will open a billiard room. It doesn’t have to be big, but it must have personality so that he can reminisce about his crazy youth.
I laughed at him for being so thoughtful.
Because it was Chen Jinmo's birthday, Brother Lei was not doing business today and decorated the place with a festive atmosphere. A group of grown men were standing on stools and hanging balloons and ribbons. The scene was very incongruous.
Yu Xinna took off her down jacket and played finger-guessing games with several men in a black lace base shirt. Her long legs were wrapped in black stockings. She crossed her legs and kicked the man next to her from time to time with her knee-high boots, shouting at him to "drink."
Just as I was standing at the door looking left and right, a hand suddenly reached out from the side, grabbed my collar, and pulled me up in front of him, his bright eyes almost close to my nose: "Hi, my Jing Yuanyuan."
I waved my hands to break free from his embrace, took a step back, smoothed my bangs, and walked away from him calmly.
He dyed his hair a light chestnut color and looked arrogant and unruly.
"Why are you shy?" Chen Jinmo approached me, held my face with both hands, and squeezed it hard, "You hide, but I'm going to catch you."
Behind us, there stood a slender figure with icy eyes staring at us. She was wearing a red woolen coat and a white beret. She had taken off her gloves and was holding them in her palms. She was holding a cake in one hand.
"Let go." I increased the strength of my hands and knocked Chen Jinmo's hand away.
"Mo Mo, what bad habits do you have? You're touching me again. Do you think everyone is me and I'm spoiling you?" Yu Xinna came to our side and stuck to Chen Jinmo like a boneless octopus.
"Qianqian, you're here." Chen Jinmo's tone suddenly dropped eight notes. He waved away Yu Xinna and went to take the cake from Guan Qianqian's hand.
Guan Qianqian didn't let him. She walked to a table, put it there silently, and then sat down quietly.
"Oh, another sister with a lover. I have nothing to do." Yu Xinna said sourly, twisted her butt, and went back to continue playing finger-guessing games with the group of men.
"Qianqian, you are so elegant even when you are angry." Chen Jinmo poured a cup of hot water and trotted to Guan Qianqian's table. Like an ancient servant, he bowed and nodded to his master. "Are you cold? Warm your hands."
Even I can't see through Chen Jinmo's feelings, who are they true for and who are they false for. The true ones are somewhat genuine, while the false ones are somewhat hypocritical.
My greatest ability is to adapt to the environment. After eating the cake and meal, Brother Lei booked a luxurious private room for Chen Jinmo and asked us to sing.
They played a crazy game of truth or dare, where men and women ate a cookie together with their mouths and the loser had to drink a penalty drink. Chen Jinmo still had a conscience. I didn't want to take part in such a boring game, so he let me go and didn't force me.
No one expected Guan Qianqian to play with them. When she lost, Chen Jinmo manfully helped her block all the wine. When Chen Jinmo screamed and laughed heartily, and hugged Guan Qianqian and took a bite, Guan Qianqian finally showed a shy smile.
I think Guan Qianqian really likes him.
After playing for a while, everyone started singing. The microphone was passed to me. Chen Jinmo raised his chin and asked me to give him face and sing a song. I couldn't refuse, so I ordered an old song "Lian Lian Feng Chen".

That evening, the snow began to fall.
Sadness fills the hills waiting for youth to end
Midnight movies are full of ancient romances
…

A low voice, lingering sadness, I remember going to school with him and Lin Jingxiang. The dusk at that time was always so quiet, with the setting sun half spread in the sky and half spread in the water, spreading in our innocent years.
Chen Jinmo said, when I grow up, I want to be a superman and protect you.
However, he did not become a superman, and the people he wanted to protect were also scattered all over the world.

Take my love song and sing it in the wind
Dewdrops hang on the ends of my hair, filled with transparent melancholy
It was the first confusion of my life.
…

I have not lived a lifetime, but he is my initial confusion and melancholy. I held the microphone and sang melodiously, watching him holding a half-drunk bottle of beer and looking at me stupidly.
All the backgrounds faded away between us. There was only him in my eyes. But since when did his world become different?

When time and beauty have become sighs in the dust
There are old tears in your sentimental eyes
I believe in the songs that I couldn't sing to you at the age of love
Let me recall it often in my life
…

The chorus part of the song rang in my ears, and I looked at him, as if looking back at my youth, and a tear condensed into the corner of my eye.
The beauty of secret love has become a sigh in the dust. Looking at him at this moment, the old tears in my sad eyes flow mercilessly without a trace of warmth.
My young age, what a pity! At the age when I believe in love, I don’t have the songs or feelings to sing to you.
All I will remember in my life is just a goodbye.
He was stunned, obviously, because of a song and my tears.
"Does it sound nice?" I took out a small gift I carried with me. There was a whistle in the box. If he remembered, he would understand what I meant.
Happy birthday, I said in my heart.
At that time, Lin Jingxiang, Chen Jinmo and I were playing hide-and-seek . The loser would treat the loser to a hamburger. Lin Jingxiang played the blind man, and Chen Jinmo took me to hide on the roof. I stood on it but lost my footing and fell to the ground along the tiles.
I fell and broke my bones and stayed in the hospital for three months. Chen Jinmo felt very guilty. He said that in order to compensate me, he promised to do something for me after we turned 18 and he was able to do it. I said he was lying and had no evidence, but Chen Jinmo couldn't persuade me and asked me to remember to give him a whistle to remind him.
People often forget jokes after saying them, but after all these years, I still remember that he owed me something.
He opened the box and looked straight at the whistle. It seemed that he had not forgotten it.
I said, I have something else to do.
I put down the phone, made an excuse to leave, and walked out the door.
Don't look back, don't linger, don't make yourself suffer. People who are nostalgic always live more painfully than others. I hate myself. They left, and I was standing there alone, guarding our long-expired dream.
It's snowing outside again.
I can't tell which season it is snowing.
Looking up indifferently, the silent sky is vast and desolate, weakly waving its whiteness, like the tears of this winter, like a farewell to the last winter.
The fine snow began to dance like salt, and my heart rose and fell with it. The falling coldness kissed my cheeks, slid into my collar, and melted one by one in my heart.
"Lin Jingyuan." Chen Jinmo stumbled out, bent over in front of me, panting. I looked at him silently, watching the past pass by his brows and disappear.
Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye to myself.
"What should I do?" He stared at me with red eyes. My cold tears dried up and fine snow fell on my eyes, soft and wet.
"Whistle, what do you want me to do?" He seemed to be trying to find some clues from my eyes. But to his disappointment, apart from the ups and downs of emotions when singing and the tears I shed, I had no extra expressions from beginning to end.
"Anything?" I asked.
"Yes." His voice was firm.
"Be yourself again." The cold winter made my voice hoarse, and I looked at him motionlessly, "No matter why you became like this, I remember Chen Jinmo who said he would become a superman to protect me and Lin Jingxiang. I hope you can be that person again."
"Don't take what you said when you were a child seriously. Times are changing and people are changing too. You know we are all grown up." He pulled me hard as if he was possessed and looked into my eyes.
"I think so too." I laughed dryly, took his hand away and walked away .
Chen Jinmo, you disappoint me so much.
It turns out that all those foolish pasts were nothing but empty things.
With the final exam approaching, I quit my job as a receptionist at an Internet cafe.
And Chen Jinmo finally caught up with Guan Qianqian.
I asked him, what is Yu Xinna?
Chen Jinmo said, it's nothing, Yu Xinna has a boyfriend and they live in different places. When he said this, his expression was very matter-of-fact, but I felt bad listening to it.
For some people, love is a lifetime, for some people, love can be a game.
After Guan Qianqian and Chen Jinmo started dating, her personality became more unpredictable. I don’t know what went wrong between them, but Chen Jinmo is no longer so concerned about her.
What you can’t get will always make you restless, but when you get it, you don’t know how to cherish it.
God seemed to know that I like to meddle in other people's affairs. When I was mopping the floor in the dormitory, Guan Qianqian stood in front of me. I moved in one direction to mop, and she moved in the other direction to block me.
"Is there something?" I tilted my head to look at her. Guan Qianqian's face was pale and her lips were covered with dry dead skin. She looked like a flower that lacked water. I felt pity for her.
"Let's talk." She was still hostile to me, and I still don't know how I offended her.
I put down the mop, wiped my hands, changed my shoes, combed my hair casually, and walked in front of her: "Let's go."
Guan Qianqian dressed up simply, and ten minutes later, she asked me to meet her on the rooftop of the library.
The wind blew the snow into flowers, which fell in large clusters. She walked to the edge of the railing. There were more than a dozen steps down. There was an aerial garden under the roof. Most of the flowers in the small garden withered in winter, leaving only a few red plum trees, standing proudly against the wind and snow.
"How long have you known Chen Jinmo?" Guan Qianqian leaned against the railing with her elbows on it, and no emotion could be heard in her tone.
"Eight years and eleven months." I walked up to her and answered calmly.
"Remember it so clearly?" Hearing this answer, she paused subconsciously and turned her head to look at me.
I smiled and said nothing.
"What do you think of Chen Jinmo's attitude towards me?" The hot air she exhaled dissipated in the air. I looked at her. Snowflakes fell on our heads and shoulders. After a long silence, she turned her gaze to me.
"That's a matter between you two. Shouldn't you know it better than me?" I had no intention of becoming her "imaginary enemy" nor did I want to put myself in an embarrassing situation. Guan Qianqian had resentment in her heart, and she shouldn't have vented it to me.
"I know? Yeah, I thought I knew, until I found this--" Guan Qianqian took out a stack of photos. The one facing me was a screenshot from a cell phone. She spread them out, and they were all printed photos. The protagonist... was me?
The photos were obviously taken secretly. There were solo photos of me and group photos with Lin Jingxiang. The photos were taken at different times. The ages of the "me" in the photos ranged from thirteen or fourteen to seventeen or eighteen. I was surprised myself. Where did Guan Qianqian get these photos?
"Surprised, right? I was surprised too." Guan Qianqian casually placed the photos on the guardrail. The wind blew over, and a few photos fell down like snowflakes. My heart suddenly rose to my throat, and I didn't dare to grab them.
"Chen Jinmo and my sister used to be a couple." I said honestly. It was understandable that Chen Jinmo kept Lin Jingxiang's photo and occasionally reminisced about it.
"But the name of his space album is 'Quiet Abyss'! I looked at his phone and found that it was set up five years ago. Lin Jingyuan, are you still going to install it?" Guan Qianqian looked at me with red eyes, "What kind of existence do you have to him? I really don't understand."
She doesn't understand, and I understand even less than she does.
In this world, the most special person to me is probably Chen Jinmo.
But he doesn't like me. He likes Lin Jingxiang, Yu Xinna, Guan Qianqian, and every girl who is prettier and better than me. I never expected his love for me. What Guan Qianqian questioned me about was an emotion that even I couldn't explain. How could I stay out of it and explain it to her?
"He treats me as his sister." I cleared my throat, and the cold winter wind blew into my throat. I really admire Guan Qianqian. She was wearing such thin clothes and standing in the wind, but she was not afraid of the cold.
"That's enough!" Guan Qianqian's face turned red and white, staring at me with disdain, "Are you disgusting? Brother and sister, what a cliché excuse you have, do you think I'm a fool?"
Guan Qianqian stood up straight and took a step forward. I took a step back timidly. She took another step forward, and I retreated to the edge of the stairs. I looked at her in confusion.
"Are you also curious about what kind of existence you have towards Chen Jinmo? Let me help you?" Guan Qianqian sneered at me, which made my heart creep. Her eyes became sharp and her face moved closer to me. "Tell me, if Chen Jinmo saw me pushing you down from here, what would he do?"
This woman must be crazy!
"One, two, three..." Guan Qianqian suddenly grabbed my shoulders. I saw the phone in her pocket, vibrating like crazy. I pulled her, hoping she wouldn't be impulsive. "Before I asked you out, I sent a text message to Chen Jinmo, betting on whether he would come."
"Guan Qianqian, you must have misunderstood." Her face gradually turned cold. I raised my head back and tried my best to persuade her. A jealous woman should not be messed with. I don't want to die unjustly in her hands.
"You really want him to come, right? Huh?" Guan Qianqian's madness made me nervous. She was emotionally unstable now. I was not afraid that she would hurt me, but I was afraid that she would fall from here. Just a few steps forward, we had reached the edge of the stairs, and there was no guardrail behind us.
Her cell phone was screaming in her pocket. Guan Qianqian had a smug smile on her face, forcing me to lean back as far as I could. She counted like a death sentence, "Ten, nine, eight, seven..."
"...Four, three, two...Get lost!"
"Lin Jingyuan!"
I heard a soul-destroying scream and saw Guan Qianqian's victorious smile. In order to prevent her from being pulled down by me subconsciously, I plucked up the courage to open my arms in the opposite direction at the moment Guan Qianqian pushed me down the stairs.
I thought to myself, Chen Jinmo wouldn’t want to see her get hurt.
I rolled down the stairs like a watermelon, and the second before I regained consciousness, Chen Jinmo's panicked face flashed before my eyes.
As he rolled to the ground, Chen Jinmo quickly ran down the stairs with a frighteningly ugly face. He squatted in front of me at a loss, took out his mobile phone in a panic and dialed "120", but his hand touched me and then retracted.
"How is it? How are you? Lin Jingyuan, please don't be in trouble, I beg you..." Snowflakes fell on his brows, but could not dispel his anxiety and fear.
Would I make you so panicked?
There was something sticky under my body. When my fingers touched the warm blood, my calves felt numb at first. After the numbness , I felt a piercing pain that made me sweat profusely.
Guan Qianqian stood on the steps condescendingly, picked up the stack of photos, scattered them into the sky, and then left without mercy.
The snow-white photos were like fluttering butterflies, and one of them fell into my hands. It was the midsummer when I was sixteen years old. I was wearing a blue pleated skirt, strolling on the way home.
But I didn't know that there was a boy sitting on the roof. He looked at me as I walked with my head down. The fragmented light of the setting sun dyed half of my melancholy face. He raised his camera and captured this scene without anyone noticing.
I look peaceful and beautiful in the photo.
Before I passed out, I heard Chen Jinmo's desperate howl. He picked me up, hurried back to the rooftop, and ran downstairs. I heard people around me gasping for air and girls screaming.
His heartbeat pressed against my eardrum, heavy and powerful.
Chen Jinmo, it turns out that meeting you brings so many hardships...
While I was sleeping on the hospital bed in the No. 1 Municipal Hospital, Xu Xiaoran called me more than a dozen times. Chen Jinmo finally answered the phone and said that something had happened to me. Xu Xiaoran brought everyone in the dormitory and rushed to the hospital.
The moment I opened my eyes, I saw Shen Xingmo.
I can't describe the expression on his face, maybe he worked all night and woke up in the morning looking like that.
My eyes moved to my suspended leg, which was covered with thick plaster. I tried to move, but there was no feeling.
"It's not broken, is it?" I suddenly felt unsure. If Qin Fangrui knew that my leg was broken, she would definitely not help me with the medical expenses. My living expenses are a problem, so how could I have the money to be hospitalized?
"It's broken." Shen Xingmo dismissed me with just one sentence. Seeing the subtle change in my expression, he seemed to feel sorry for me and stood up and handed a pillow behind me.
"Is it really broken?" I looked at him nervously.
"It would be better if it really broke, then you wouldn't run around." Shen Xingmo was like a little complaining woman, the pain in her eyes was real, "Does it hurt? How did you fall? Are you stupid?"
Oh, Chen Jinmo told them that I fell by myself.
"I fell accidentally." I just went with the flow. Chen Jinmo wanted to help Guan Qianqian cover up the truth, but I didn't expose him.
At this moment, the sound of the door being pushed open was heard. Chen Jinmo looked at me and brought back a takeaway bag. He seemed to feel guilty. He put the takeaway down, saw Shen Xingmo there, and prepared to leave.
"I'll go get some hot water." Shen Xingmo grinned at me. Just like that, Chen Jinmo hadn't left yet. Shen Xingmo left the space for the two of us, and the air suddenly became quiet.
Come to think of it, we haven't seen each other since his birthday.
There are some things that he doesn't ask and I won't say.
"You shouldn't have messed with Guan Qianqian." He suddenly threw a sentence at me.
"Yeah." I feel more and more that my love for him is about to run out. Maybe he is right. Time is changing and people are changing. My heart cannot lie.
Why should people be obsessed with the same mistake until death?
"Yuanyuan, you know I'm like a contradiction. I want to pursue the beauty in the distance, but I also crave the warmth around me. You are a friend like my family. In the most difficult times, the first person I think of is you. I don't want to see you being hurt by someone I care about." He stood condescendingly beside my bed. At that moment, Guan Qianqian's face overlapped with his.
This sounds a bit disgusting to me.
Yes, I have changed too. I have always believed in him, but one day, I finally became disgusted with him.
"I don't blame Guan Qianqian."
A friend who is like a family? I don’t know whether I should cry or laugh.
He wasn't going to explain the photo, and I didn't want to know.
"Take good care of yourself, I will pay for the medical expenses." He said as he lowered his eyes to glance at my legs.
I didn't say much. It was only natural for him to help solve the trouble caused by Guan Qianqian.
After Chen Jinmo went out, Xu Xiaoran came in with Tian Ye.
"What happened? You know, if you didn't fall well, you would be disabled." Xu Xiaoran opened his eyes wide and looked at my leg in plaster. "Tsk, you're almost like a mummy."
Tian Ye, with a lukewarm attitude, put the supplements she brought on the table and said with a smile: "This is my living expenses for one month. You'd better get better soon."
"Where is Guan Qianqian?" I asked them.
"She's putting on makeup, of course she's trying to attract a lot of attention." Xu Xiaoran rolled her eyes, "What roommate? She didn't even come to see you after you fell like that. She's really an 'iceberg', she has no conscience."
I listened expressionlessly as Xu Xiaoran and Tian Ye spoke up for me. After they left, Shen Xingmo came in carrying a thermos.
"Eat something. The porridge is hot and the water is hot too. Which one do you want?" Shen Xingmo served the porridge, poured the water, and asked me attentively.
"Drink some water first." I pointed to the glass in his hand.
"The doctor said that your injuries don't seem to be caused by falling, but more like being pushed by external force." I blew away the cold water and Shen Xingmo said coldly. I looked up at him and his expression was very serious.
"No, I was reading in the library and went out for some fresh air, and my foot slipped." I made up an excuse.
"Chen Jinmo is with you? Didn't he hold you back?" He didn't quite believe it.
"No, I called him after I fell. After all, he is closer to me and Xiaoran and the others are not in school." I hummed softly and smiled at him.
"A Yuan." He seemed a little frustrated, his eye sockets were sunken and his complexion was not very good. Seeing me like this, he couldn't help but sigh.
I could feel his care and concern every second, but I subconsciously wanted to reject his kindness.
I always feel that as long as I am persistent and resolute enough, Shen Xingmo will give up one day. When he gives up, I will feel relieved.
"You're really torturing me, every minute of every second," he said.
"Oh, sorry." I was heartless.
"Don't say these three words." He didn't appreciate it at all. He grinned and smiled sarcastically. He took the cup from my hand, put the bowl of porridge in my hand, and said firmly, "You know what I want. It's not an apology, but your sincerity."
But my true heart is shattered and has nowhere to go.
Shen Xingmo, if there is still time, would you be willing to repair it and bring it back to life?
After lying in the hospital for half a month, Qin Fangrui called me and asked me to give her some money.
I thought I had heard it wrong, but after confirming it three times, I found out that Qin Fangrui was indeed addicted to playing cards and was in debt. I said I still had to study and had no money.
Qin Fangrui said that she raised me until I was 18 years old, and I should respect her. Lin Jingxiang gave her 2,000 yuan every month and asked me to learn from her.
So I transferred all my salary savings to her.
Chen Jinmo has already paid all the medical expenses, and I don’t want to owe him, so I plan to be discharged from the hospital next week.
"Are you stupid?" After hearing about this, Xu Xiaoran rushed to my ward and was so angry that she wanted to pull me out of bed. "You're going to be discharged from the hospital next Monday? You still have to go to work on crutches? You want to be on the headlines?"
I laugh while saying nothing.
No matter how they dissuaded me, I was discharged from the hospital on Monday at my request. The doctor said it would take another half a month to remove the plaster, and I usually rely on a cane to walk.
When we got back to the dormitory, there was an envelope on the table with a thick stack of banknotes inside. Guan Qianqian acted as if nothing had happened, but I wanted to throw the money in her face.
"Return it to you." I handed the envelope to her.
"Don't you need money?" She didn't answer and looked at me.
"I have to have self-respect too." Sharp thorns stood up on my body, and my voice became a little colder.
"Self-esteem?" She looked at me slowly, her venomous eyes sizing me up from head to toe. "Your total self-esteem is no more than three hundred yuan?"
"Guan Qianqian, don't be so rude. I'm still standing here gasping for breath!" Xu Xiaoran snatched the envelope from me and threw it at her without even looking at it. The envelope brushed Guan Qianqian's cheek and fell to the ground.
Guan Qianqian stepped on the envelope, as if she was stepping on my self-esteem and humiliation, and walked out without looking back.
"Why are you putting on so much airs?" Xu Xiaoran cursed.
I leaned on my crutches, thanked Xu Xiaoran for her kindness, filled a large basin with warm water, and closed the bathroom door. I suppressed my hoarse tears and buried my head in the water.
The water flooded over my chin, my cheeks, and my eyes. Bitter tears merged with the water. I closed my eyes and saw the darkness of the abyss.
Xiangxiang, Yuanyuan, the three of us will be good friends .
Chen Jinmo, you are not allowed to regret it.
How long is a lifetime?
I was the only one who listened carefully to what was said.
The three of us will be good friends for life...
Good friends for life.
These words are like they are engraved deeply in the deepest part of my heart.
Can we still walk together forever?
My eyes suddenly felt sore.
I raised my head from the suffocating warm water and looked at the wet person in the mirror. I had a pale, dull oval face, so pale and frightening, and so thin that I was almost unrecognizable.
The girl in the mirror was looking at me with bright and clear eyes. She had a half-smile on her face, and a hint of resentment at the corners of her mouth.
Time passes by like water. Yesterday's road is already very long. I am a lonely white dove. I cannot fly over this cold winter. I hover in Chen Jinmo's world, feeling anxious all day long.
In the distance, lights were dimming, snowflakes were crushed under the dim street lights, I poured out the cold water, replaced it with scalding hot water, carefully wiped the water stains on my face, rubbed my stiff cheeks, and smiled slightly. No longer was the bone-chilling coldness.
The sparks that light up the darkness are the tears that flow. I don’t belong to anyone, and I should be proud.
I should be my own.
When I realize it, I hope it won't be too late.