Chapter 5 Youth Will Eventually Pass Away 02
The days passed uneventfully, and I often heard rumors that Ji Chuan was having dinner and watching movies with some girls.
I don't want to verify the truth of the rumor. Perhaps, from the day we had an argument, he has become an irrelevant person to me.
There is a very popular movie recently, called "So Young". Yao Yizhou and I went to the cinema to watch it. After watching it, I couldn't help but cry secretly.
Yes, youth is short and will eventually pass away, but we squander our youth and hurt the people we care about... Maybe one day, when I think back to my youth, I will thank Ji Chuan, thank Ji Chuan for making me grow and become a better person.
For a month in a row, Yao Yizhou sent me home every day, and I had no choice but to stay at home and eat with my father and others.
During this time, I didn't deliberately provoke my father, nor did I quarrel with that woman, and my attitude towards Wen Shaoye became much gentler. I don't know if it was because of Yao Yizhou's influence, but my mentality became much calmer, and I was no longer like before, like dry firewood that would catch fire at the slightest touch.
My father seemed very satisfied with my performance this month, and his attitude became much softer. He no longer slammed the table like before.
Maybe sometimes, when you hate someone, you will feel annoyed no matter what he does, and you will not listen to a word he says. However, when I didn't deliberately think about the wrongs my father and stepmother had done to me, I could actually finish a meal with them quietly, which was something I could never imagine before.
For an average family, having a quiet meal at the dining table every day is a very common thing. However, for a reconstituted family like mine, such simple and ordinary little happiness is simply a luxury.
One day, when I was clearing the table after dinner, my father was sitting in the living room and told me loudly that he would restore my living expenses, and even said some words that he thought were encouraging me.
I don't know if my father's true thoughts about me are that he is very disappointed with me, so he is particularly pleased with my change. In fact, I didn't deliberately want to do anything to change my father's opinion of me. I just suddenly felt numb to these things and didn't have the energy to engage in endless quarrels.
When I was working in a milk tea shop on the weekend, Yao Yizhou suddenly walked up to me and asked me seriously, "Are you going to Happy Valley next Sunday?"
I didn't really want to go, but Yao Yizhou continued, "You've made yourself so tired, when can you really relax? Don't think too much, go and have a good time and change your mood."
Unable to resist his nagging, I had to agree to go to Happy Valley with him next Sunday.
I don't know if what Yao Yizhou said is right, and I don't know if I can really be happy just by going to Happy Valley once, but I can't help but think of Ji Chuan and I. Maybe it was too smooth when I was with Ji Chuan, so God arranged so many tests for us... Sometimes, I even began to reflect on my own words and deeds: Did I really say something too much that day?
Many boys hate it most when their girlfriends compare them with other boys. I know this, and I did say that day that any man is better than Ji Chuan. I admit that I said this very much, but what Ji Chuan did at that time was really hateful, and I just said it in anger.
Shen Xiaoyu once told me that the more people love each other, the easier it is to hurt each other. In fact, they are afraid of losing each other. I don't know how much Shen Xiaoyu's words are right, and I can't calm down to think about such a question. I only know that I am not sure whether I still love Ji Chuan. Perhaps, I don't regard Ji Chuan as the most important person in my life as I imagined.
In the following days, I went to see Shen Xiaoyu several times, but she was always too busy to spend time with me. She was always immersed in math books, saying that she had to review well before the competition. I had no choice but to go to Yao Yizhou and get some of the delicious food given to him by other girls.
Yesterday, a girl gave Yao Yizhou a big box of homemade cookies and a homemade lunch box. The lunch box contained both meat and vegetables, and was very delicately arranged to form a beautiful smiley face shape. When I received the lunch box, I was reluctant to pick up my chopsticks.
When I found Yao Yizhou, there were five or six lunch boxes on his table. I saw him looking at the lunch boxes in a dilemma and couldn't help but laugh while covering my mouth.
When Yao Yizhou saw me smiling, he frowned and waved at me, motioning me to come over.
There is no reason to refuse delicious food when it is delivered to my door. I swallowed and trotted over.
"Just look at it, and eat whatever you want. Just pick out what you like, and give me the rest."
Yao Yizhou opened all the lunch boxes on the table and placed them in a row in front of me for me to choose from.
I have always been thicker-skinned than a city wall, but at this moment, I actually felt a little embarrassed: "Yizhou, these are all specially made for you by those girls who adore you. Don't you feel bad for letting me eat them like this? Why do I feel that this is not good!"
"When did you become so formal? You don't have to think about whether I can finish these five or six lunch boxes. Besides, you haven't known what politeness is since the first year of high school. What's wrong with you today? Are you still the Wen Ya I know?"
Yao Yizhou pushed the lunch box containing braised pork with preserved vegetables and boiled fish to my side.
I smelled the aroma of the boiled fish, and suddenly remembered that Ji Chuan used to work part-time to earn money to buy boiled fish for me. As a result, faced with the boiled fish and braised pork with preserved vegetables that looked, smelled and tasted delicious, I suddenly lost my appetite, and I wilted like an eggplant hit by frost.
Yao Yizhou didn’t know that I thought of Ji Chuan because of the boiled fish, and thought that I really changed my personality, so he gave me a thumbs up.
But after a while, he frowned and asked me in a low voice: "Xiao Ya, if a person realizes that he was a mess in the past when he is almost 20 years old and wants to turn over a new leaf, is it too late? Isn't it too late?"
I heard the hidden meaning in Yao Yizhou's words, so I smiled and said nothing.
Not long after I got home in the evening, Shen Xiaoyu called me and asked me to go out on Sunday, but I had already promised Yao Yizhou, so how could I break the appointment? I had no choice but to politely reject Xiaoyu.
Originally, I wanted to talk to Shen Xiaoyu about something else, but after I rejected my invitation to go out together on Sunday, she was silent for a long time on the other end of the phone before she slowly said, "Xiaoya, there is something I want to tell you." Xiaoyu's tone was unusually serious.
"Xiaoya, I made an appointment with Yao Yizhou today. I wanted to go to a movie with him on Sunday, but Yao Yizhou said he already had an appointment and rejected me. In fact, there are some things I have never told you... I have made an appointment with Yao Yizhou several times during this period. I wanted to go to drink coffee or watch a drama with him after class, but he refused every time. Xiaoya, do you think there is no possibility for Yao Yizhou and me? Does he have no feelings for me at all?"
As Shen Xiaoyu spoke, she suddenly began to choke up.
But the more she was like this, the more I couldn't tell her what happened between Yao Yizhou and me. I couldn't tell her that Yao Yizhou refused her date because he already had an appointment with me.
"Xiaoya, I really like Yao Yizhou, what do you think I should do?"
I didn’t know how to answer Xiaoyu’s question, nor did I know what to say so that she wouldn’t be suspicious. I could only choose to remain silent.
Seeing that I didn't respond for a long time, Xiaoyu hung up the phone.
After a long time, I took the phone away from my ear. Thinking back to what Xiaoyu had just said, my originally calm heart could no longer calm down.
I suddenly felt a little guilty. Although I hadn't done anything to offend Shen Xiaoyu, I didn't know why I felt uneasy.
I told myself over and over again that I was just accepting an invitation from a long-time friend and that I had no other intentions or agenda.
Although I kept telling myself that I had not done anything to let Shen Xiaoyu down, I knew in my heart that my relationship with Yao Yizhou had long deviated from the track of normal friends and should be stopped.
But, I have already promised Yao Yizhou, so I can’t not go...
Forget it, this is the last time, and this must never happen again next time, I told myself.
In fact, even if something happened between Yao Yizhou and I, the result would not be what I wanted. It would be better to put the brakes on it as soon as possible before the relationship deteriorates, just in case.
Sunday arrived quickly and Yao Yizhou came to my house to pick me up. Yao Yizhou and I took a taxi and headed straight to Happy Valley.
I prefer exciting activities. Although Yao Yizhou doesn't like them, he always queues up to buy tickets to play with me. Yao Yizhou knows me very well. He knows what I want as long as I glance at him, which makes me feel very comfortable.
While Yao Yizhou was queuing up to buy tickets, I was eating a big bucket of popcorn.
In fact, I really cherish the days I spend with Yao Yizhou. In the past month, I have temporarily escaped from the quagmire of pain and anxiety because of his company. Yao Yizhou, who understands me, is like another pair of eyes for me. Many times, we understand each other. I don't need any words, just a look or a gesture, and he will handle what I want to do or intend to do. During this period of time, he and I have a tacit understanding, and we get along very naturally and comfortably.
There were so many people playing in Happy Valley that we spent most of our time queuing up to buy tickets. When Yao Yizhou was queuing for the fourth project, I pulled him back.
Yao Yizhou called a taxi and insisted on taking me home. I was going to refuse, but in the end I agreed in the hope of finishing the job well.
We arrived at my house. I got off the car and waved goodbye to Yao Yizhou. He suddenly stuck his head out of the window and said with a smile, "Xiaoya, there's a new cake shop in the alley near our school. They have your favorite cheesecake. I'll bring it to you tomorrow."
Feeling the tenderness in Yao Yizhou's eyes, I suddenly thought of Shen Xiaoyu and her feelings for Yao Yizhou. I suddenly didn't know how to respond. After a while, I frowned and said, "Okay."
When Yao Yizhou saw that I agreed, he was in a very good mood. He smiled at me and turned to tell the driver to drive.
I stood at the door of my house, watching the taxi that Yao Yizhou was riding in disappear from the corner of the street, feeling very conflicted.
As a result, I still didn't express my original intention to end this dangerous time.
I think I still can't bear to reject him.
In the following week, in addition to accompanying me to class and working, Yao Yizhou called me almost every night at around nine o'clock on time to chat with me about all sorts of topics, and often told me some not-so-funny jokes.
That night, Yao Yizhou suddenly asked me, "Wen Ya, is it really over between you and Ji Chuan?"
I was silent for a long time and finally hung up the phone.
All of a sudden, I missed Ji Chuan more than ever before. I didn’t know what was going on, but from the moment Yao Yizhou mentioned Ji Chuan’s name, a strong longing suddenly exploded from the depths of my heart, filling every cell of my body.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know why I suddenly miss Ji Chuan so much at this time. So, I can only attribute this longing to the virus in my brain crashing.
Could it be that time is really the best medicine to heal wounds? During this period of time, I had unconsciously worn away all my hatred for Ji Chuan, and the only thing left in my mind was my longing for him.
Not long ago, the news reported a couple who were getting divorced. When they were getting divorced, everything was so chaotic that both of them thought they would never see each other again in this life, and even thought they were blind to marry each other. However, no one expected that the couple would remarry six months after the divorce, and even have a child that they had never .
Is love really like this? Will all hatred gradually fade away with the passage of time, just like I forgave my mother? Could it be that I have already forgiven Ji Chuan without realizing it?
I'm not sure if this is the case. However, it has been almost two months since the last quarrel with Ji Chuan. Maybe Ji Chuan is also waiting for my call, waiting for me to call him first?
Thinking of this possibility, I actually felt relieved and my mood became happier.
I picked up the phone, gritted my teeth and dialed Ji Chuan's number.
Unexpectedly, Ji Chuan's phone was busy. I called again half an hour later, and Ji Chuan's phone was still busy. I was a little puzzled, wondering if something happened to Ji Chuan, and he was talking on the phone with someone for such a long time.
I hesitated for a while and decided to take the initiative to find Ji Chuan tomorrow.
Maybe I was being unreasonable this time? If I make things clear with Ji Chuan tomorrow and never get angry about this kind of thing again, will Ji Chuan forgive me? After all, the words I said that day that belittled him were really hurtful... I thought to myself, and I felt very guilty.
Should I be more generous in the future?
I have never thought of another outcome. If Ji Chuan really had something to do with that girl, he wouldn't have been so ostentatious with her in public, right? Perhaps, he and that girl were really innocent?
I couldn't help but think back to the time when I was with Ji Chuan. I still felt that the youthful years that Ji Chuan and I had spent together were not something I could just give up.
Perhaps, girls are more emotional. When a relationship is about to come to an end, boys are often rational, while girls are more emotional. It is really easy for two people to love each other and want to be together, but when the relationship between two people comes to an end, boys are always the first to leave, and girls are usually the ones who are hurt the most. But, even if they are deeply hurt, what does it matter? Girls often only think about the good of boys, no matter what he did wrong, they are always reluctant to break up and reluctant to give up this relationship.
I seemed to be stuck in this mood for a long time and couldn't extricate myself.
After a sleepless night, around five or six in the morning, I decided to give Ji Chuan one last chance, to give myself one last chance, and to give our relationship one last chance.
I don’t know whether this choice is right or wrong. After all, it’s like a gamble. If I win, my love can continue in the most fragile way. If I lose, I will really be defeated.
However, after thinking for a long time, I still hope that this love that has long been swaying in the wind can continue, even if it has become fragile, even if continuing such a love will make me a pitiful weak person, deep in my heart I still don't want to give up.
Perhaps, I have an incurable disease... The root cause of this disease is Ji Chuan. He makes me sad, painful, and makes me unable to eat and sleep. I can only see him in my eyes, and there is only him in my heart. Even though he has hurt me, I still can't just give up, I can't just become the most familiar stranger with Ji Chuan, and I can't just forget Ji Chuan.
Because I know I can never forget him.
To me now, Ji Chuan is like air. Without Ji Chuan, I would feel like I couldn't breathe.
To me now, Ji Chuan is like water. Without water, I cannot survive.
During this period of time, without Ji Chuan's company, I feel every day is extremely difficult.
I really can't let go. I can't let go of the boy who once loved me so much and treated me like his treasure, the boy who once valued me more than himself, the boy who once did everything for me, the boy who said he would marry me and be with me forever.
I don’t know if the decision I made was right, but I don’t want to define it with regret and pity when I look back on this time many years later.
