If you are the ripe purple grapes in summer, sweet with a hint of sourness, then I am the inconspicuous grass growing under the grape trellis, always looking up at you who is loved and surrounded by everyone.
So I tried my best to change myself, wanting to become like you, but I forgot that grass cannot grow into grapes.
I can't become you!
I'm not you!
——Xu Chenxi

Let me tell you why we have become like this.
Like the drummer, we were heartless at first.
I carefully protected everyone and wanted everyone to be happy. However, such days only lasted until the first semester of the third year of junior high school, one week before the midterm exam.
At first I didn’t notice anything wrong, but I suddenly felt that Xu Chenxi seemed to be more silent than before.
"Chenxi!" After school, I asked her with concern, "Are you worried about something recently? You don't seem very happy."
Du Juan was walking beside me, biting an ice cream. After hearing what I said, she was a little surprised and said, "Chenxi is unhappy? No, how come I can't see anything? Chenxi must be too tired from studying. Being the top student in the school is too hard, unlike you and me, Shan'er."
After hearing Du Juan say this, I suddenly hesitated. Am I really too sensitive and thinking too much?
"Well, the midterm exam is coming soon, and I've been under some pressure in my studies recently. It's okay, Shan'er, you don't have to worry about me, really." Xu Chenxi said, and in order to reassure me, he even smiled at me.
But I felt that there was a hint of sadness in her smile.
I didn't think much about it and chose to believe what Xu Chenxi said.
A week later, the midterm exam was over.
Coming out of the examination room, I noticed that Xu Chenxi's face was extremely pale , so I asked with concern, "Is it..."
"I'm fine!" She interrupted me. Xu Chenxi, who had always been quiet and weak, pushed me away for the first time and ran out of my sight.
I was very worried about her. Between Du Juan and Xu Chenxi, I always subconsciously focused my attention on Xu Chenxi, because Du Juan was always so happy, while Xu Chenxi was too quiet.
If even I can't see her, will she gradually be forgotten?
I chased after him, but I couldn't find Xu Chenxi. On the way, I ran into Jiang Huai.
Seeing me in a hurry, he grabbed me.
"Su Shan'er, you're running so fast in the corridor. Be careful or the teacher will ask you to write a self-criticism."
"I don't have time to explain to you. I want to find Xu Chenxi. Something is wrong with her." I pushed Jiang Huai away and continued to look for Xu Chenxi on campus.
Jiang Huai listened to me and became concerned, so we searched the whole school like fools, but we couldn't find Xu Chenxi. Later, the head teacher saw me in a hurry and learned that I was looking for Xu Chenxi, so he told me that Xu Chenxi asked for leave from him, saying that she was not feeling well and went home first.
After the exam, I had to go to school. Xu Chenxi, who was always a good student, rarely missed classes due to health reasons, which made me even more worried. I was a little absent-minded in the following classes. When the class was finally over, I quickly packed up my books and ran out with Du Juan.
"Shan'er, don't be so anxious." Dujuan shouted, "Chenxi is at home, she can't run away."
"But Chenxi has never been like this before. Wouldn't this be strange?" In my impression, Xu Chenxi would not be the kind of person who would just run away without saying anything.
Du Juan didn't say anything else and followed me in a run. When we finally arrived at Xu Chenxi's house, we were almost out of energy.
"Where is Chenxi? How is she, Auntie?" I ran into the flower shop. Xu Chenxi's mother was sorting the newly delivered flowers to the shop. She looked very happy to see us.
She replied, "Chenxi is fine, just feeling a little uncomfortable. She will be fine after a short sleep. You sit for a while, and Auntie will bring you something delicious."
"No, Auntie, I want to go see Chenxi." I had a hunch that Xu Chenxi's condition must be more than just unwell.
After hearing what I said, my aunt let us into the yard. Du Juan and I quietly pushed open Xu Chenxi's door and saw her lying on the bed, breathing evenly and slowly. She was really just asleep.
"I said it's okay." Du Juan said softly, "Let's go and don't disturb her."
When we came out of Xu Chenxi's house, we happened to meet Jiang Huai.
He was also a little worried about Xu Chenxi. When he saw Du Juan and me, he asked , "How is Chenxi? Is he okay? I was scared by Shan'er's behavior before. I thought something happened to Chenxi."
"It's okay, Shan'er must have read so much for the exam that her brain got damaged." Du Juan couldn't help but say, "Really, Shan'er is always so concerned about Chenxi's affairs, it makes me jealous!"
"I'm glad you're okay." Jiang Huai also breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Look at how out of breath you two are. You must have run all the way here. Come on, I'll treat you to some milk tea."
"And some popcorn!" said Dujuan.
"Okay, let's go." Jiang Huai didn't mind.
Three days later, the midterm exam results came out. Xu Chenxi, who had always been ranked first in the school surprisingly dropped to 100th place. Only then did Du Juan believe that my worry was not just nervousness.
With such test results, the school teachers naturally couldn't just ignore it. Everyone wanted to know what happened to Xu Chenxi, but she seemed to have completely closed herself off overnight.
She was quieter than before.
At least we could communicate before. I could understand her mood and make her happy. But this time, all my concerns were blocked by her. I could even feel that she was rejecting me.
Not only me, Du Juan and Jiang Huai also had no way to get close to her.
Whether inside or outside the school, Xu Chenxi made himself completely alone.
"What happened?" Du Juan was a person who could not bear it any longer. This kind of life had lasted for a month and she could not stand it any longer. "No, I must ask clearly. I let it go, but Shan'er, you care about her so much, to the point that I am jealous. How can she ignore you? This is too much!"
I stopped her and said, "Don't be like this, Dujuan. Maybe Chenxi is upset because her grades dropped so much all of a sudden. We should understand her."
"Her grades dropped too much? We've always been together, but her grades didn't drop at that time. Why did they drop at this time? Besides, it's not our problem. She shouldn't ignore us."
Du Juan shook off my hand and dragged Xu Chenxi out of the classroom despite my attempts to stop her.
That was the first time something unpleasant happened between the three of us.
Before this, the three of us, Du Juan, Xu Chenxi and I, were like an iron triangle, indestructible.
Everyone firmly believes that the friendship between the three of us will last forever.
I thought so at first, but I was wrong because we were not three people.
We are not an iron triangle. There are five of us: me, Jiang Huai, Xu Chenxi, Du Juan, and Ming Qinghe. The pentagon is really an unstable shape.
Dujuan went to find Xu Chenxi to argue with her desperately. I don’t know what Dujuan said to her. After that, Xu Chenxi came back - at least on the surface, she was back to us like before.
Du Juan and I were relieved, but the next monthly exam made me realize that Xu Chenxi did not come back and she seemed to be getting farther and farther away from us.
Because of this monthly exam, her ranking dropped below 200 in the whole grade.
Everyone was shocked, and no one knew what happened to Xu Chenxi. This time, even Xu Chenxi's family felt something was wrong. If the midterm exam was due to poor condition, then how to explain this time?
I couldn't help but ask Du Juan loudly: "What did you say to Xu Chenxi?"
Du Juan stared at me in amazement, feeling incredible: "Su Shan'er, why are you yelling at me?"
"I didn't yell at you, I was just anxious." I apologized quickly, "I'm sorry, Dujuan."
Du Juan lowered her head, and after a while she looked up at me. Her expression had returned to normal, and she said, "It's okay, I was just kidding you. I didn't say anything that day, I just told her that Shan'er and I are her friends, and no matter what happens, please don't hide by yourself, otherwise everyone will worry."
"Just that?" I asked subconsciously.
"What else?" Du Juan looked at me with wide eyes, "You don't believe me?"
"No, it's just that Chenxi is too strange." I couldn't help but say, "She has returned to her past, but I always feel that there is something wrong with her."
"Huh? Can Shan'er tell fortunes? Then take a look, is there something wrong with me?" Du Juan looked at me with a smile and put her face in front of me, "Come and take a look."
I was a little absent-minded, so I gently pushed her away and said, "Stop it, Dujuan, let's think about how we can help Chenxi, okay?"
"No." Du Juan stood up and walked past me. "I remembered that my mother asked me to go home early, so I'm leaving now."
"Huh?" I was stunned for a moment. "Is that so? Then be careful on the road."
Du Juan quickly turned her head, and I seemed to see disappointment in her eyes at that moment. But at that time , all I thought about was how to help Xu Chenxi, so I ignored Du Juan.
I thought a lively girl like Dujuan would never be lost, but it turned out that I was wrong.
Later, Dujuan no longer waited for me to finish school together. She seemed to have suddenly become busy.
"Is it really okay not to go look for Du Juan?" Xu Chenxi suddenly asked me when I was doing homework at her house on the weekend, "Why don't I call her and ask her to come here?"
"Okay, call her and ask her to do homework together," I said.
Xu Chenxi called Du Juan's home, and Du Juan said she would be there soon.
"Shan'er, has Dujuan been in a bad mood recently? I asked my mother, and she said that nothing special happened in Dujuan's family. There is no reason for Dujuan to be so busy." Xu Chenxi hesitated, as if considering whether to continue.
"That shouldn't be the case." I thought for a moment. "Dujuan never seems to remember things that make her sad, but it's really suspicious that she's suddenly busy."
"So..." Xu Chenxi continued when she heard me say that, "Shan'er, should you pay more attention to Du Juan?"
I was stunned for a moment and said, "But Chenxi, you..."
"What are you guys talking about?" Du Juan's voice came from the door. She came over with her schoolbag and sat down between Xu Chenxi and me. "It seems to be very interesting."
"No, I was wondering why you're so slow." I said, "Okay, let's start doing our homework."
"Okay, it feels like we haven't done homework together for a long time." Du Juan took the book out of her schoolbag. "By the way, I just met Jiang Huai, and he said he would come over to do homework with me later."
"Okay, it's better when there are more people. That guy hasn't played with us for a long time." I recalled that since he entered the third year of junior high school, Jiang Huai has spent significantly less time playing with us.
Xu Chenxi's expression changed, but she quickly recovered and said, "I suddenly remembered that I want to go to Uncle Zhang's greenhouse to pick flowers after I finish my homework."
"It's just right that we can go with you and bring Jiang Huai with us to work for you!" I laughed. "It's happily decided !"
Xu Chenxi opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, and Du Juan said at the right moment: "Not bad, picking flowers seems to be fun."
Xu Chenxi didn't say anything else.
When Jiang Huai arrived, we had finished our homework, and the four of us went straight to the flower shed.
Except for Xu Chenxi, none of the other three of us had ever been to a flower shed. It was our first time seeing one, and we were all very excited. When we walked into the flower shed, we saw lilies in full bloom.
"Wow, it's so beautiful!" Dujuan exclaimed, "I love it here so much!"
"Shan'er, Dujuan, you have never cut flowers before. Follow me later. If you cut the flowers badly, Uncle Zhang will be angry." Xu Chenxi said, and handed two sets of flower cutting tools to Dujuan and me. When she saw Jiang Huai, she seemed to hesitate for a moment, "Jiang Huai, you will be responsible for helping us put the flowers in the fresh-keeping box."
"Okay." Jiang Huai smiled and nodded.
I bent down and looked through the gaps between the branches. The red flowers made Jiang Huai's features even more delicate. I suddenly realized that Jiang Huai seemed to have quietly grown into a handsome boy without us noticing.
"Be careful, don't cut it!" Xu Chenxi quickly pulled Dujuan, only to see that Dujuan's scissors almost cut off a branch.
"Oh, what trouble!" After just a short while, Du Juan couldn't stand it anymore and screamed, "I quit. Jiang Huai and I will help you and Shan'er carry the flowers out."
"Shan'er, I'll go inside to cut roses, and you cut lilacs here." Xu Chenxi said, and walked inside with the basket.
Du Juan volunteered to help Xu Chenxi, and Jiang Huai followed me and walked slowly forward.
Nothing happened during the flower cutting process. After the flowers were cut, Du Juan and Xu Chenxi seemed to be talking about something, but when I got closer, they said nothing.
I only heard Du Juan say to Xu Chenxi: "You feel guilty, so you act as if nothing happened. Xu Chenxi, you are too cunning."
At that time, I didn't understand this sentence at all.
I don't know why Du Juan said this to Xu Chenxi. Sure enough, Du Juan didn't tell me the truth. Xu Chenxi suddenly came back to us. Du Juan must have said something to her.
But...what could it be?
After picking up my schoolbag from Xu Chenxi's house and preparing to go home, Du Juan said she still had to go to the store to buy some things, so Jiang Huai and I were left alone.
"I say, has something happened to you three? I feel like something is wrong." Jiang Huai asked me suddenly.
I was stunned for a moment. Something was wrong?
Why didn't I notice?
In my eyes, Xu Chenxi has returned, and the three of us are still best friends. But Jiang Huai said that he felt something was wrong, and even he could see it, which meant that... nothing was okay.
"I can't really explain how I feel. The final exam will be in a few days. Can Xu Chenxi regain her ranking?" Jiang Huai said, a little worried, "Shan'er, you have to work hard too."
"Yeah, I will." I responded absentmindedly, my thoughts completely drifting away.
We have been together for so many years, why did everything go wrong suddenly when everything was fine before?
I didn't have much time to think about questions like that, because the footsteps of final exams were already within audible range.
After that, the three of us seemed to have really returned to the past, and no one mentioned the previous unpleasantness.
Those bad emotions were like a wrongly plucked string, soon to be replaced by a more beautiful note.
The first snow of winter finally arrived, and our final exams were taken in the heavy snow.
On the day the scores came out, we all breathed a sigh of relief, because Xu Chenxi's score was finally not outside the top 200, and she was back in the top 10 of the school. The teacher was relieved, her family was relieved, and Du Juan, Jiang Huai and I were finally relieved too.
No one deliberately cleaned the heavy snow on Qingtang Street, so in winter, everything was white. Mingqinghe came on the first sunny day after the snow. He carried a big backpack. He didn't study in our school, but spent every winter and summer vacation in Qingtang Street.
Ming Qinghe and Jiang Huai get along very well, and it's no wonder, because there are only three girls on the street who are the same age as Jiang Huai, and the others are either much older or much younger, and they can't play together at all.
"Little Apple!"
Ming Qinghe came to see me early in the morning. I dressed neatly and pushed open the door of the shop, and saw Du Juan and Ming Qinghe standing at the door of my shop.
"Mingqing River!" I was a little surprised. "When did you arrive?"
"I just arrived. I came to look for you guys because I was thinking about you guys." He said, holding my shoulders and patting my back hard. "Let's go find Jiang Huai and Chen Xi. Let's have some fun. I haven't seen you for half a year. You haven't forgotten me, have you?"
"No matter who you forget, you must not forget Mingqing River!" I said with a smile, "Let's go."
We walked a few steps forward, and I suddenly thought of Dujuan. I felt that she had not caught up with me, so I turned around to look at her and shouted, "Dujuan?"
Du Juan squatted on the ground, holding a super big snowball in her hand. When she heard my shout, she smiled slyly, and then quickly threw the snowball at Ming Qinghe. Ming Qinghe seemed to have eyes on his back, and pushed me away and dodged the snowball at the same time.
He looked at Du Juan with a playful smile, then made a face at her: "You can't hit me, you can't hit me!"
"You wait!" Dujuan squatted down, grabbed a handful of snow, and without even bothering to roll it into a snowball, threw it directly into the Mingqing River.
Ming Qinghe dodged while fighting back.
Watching them fighting back and forth, their energetic appearance seemed to sweep away all the bad mood I had been in for the past few days.
We played and joked along the way, and called Jiang Huai and Xu Chenxi along. On a snowy day like this, it seemed that the only fun was to have a snowball fight, but I always felt that it was a bit childish for us to still play this at such an age.
"Why don't we sweep the snow?" Xu Chenxi thought for a moment and said, "How about we help everyone sweep the snow? Otherwise, it would be bad if the elderly go out and slip."
"That's a good idea." I was the first to agree.
Although Dujuan still missed the snowball fight, she did not object to this proposal. So we each went home to get a shovel and started clearing the snow from the entrance of Qingtang Street.
Dujuan was a restless person. After cleaning for a while, she became restless and suddenly threw the snow she was shoveling towards us. I didn't have time to dodge.
Maybe there was some mud and sand mixed in the snow, and the mud and sand fell into my eyes along with the cold snow. The pain made me cover my eyes quickly.
"Shan'er!" Ming Qinghe was the first to run over. He raised his hand to wipe the snow off my face. "Are you okay?"
"It's okay." I replied, but because a foreign object entered my eyes, tears flowed uncontrollably.
Du Juan was at a loss for words. She came over and asked me with concern, "Shan'er, did the snow fall into your eyes? I'm sorry, I was just joking."
"I'm really fine, I'll be fine in a while." I didn't dare to rub my eyes hard, I could only blink gently. I heard that if something falls into the eyes , blinking will make the foreign body come out faster.
"It's okay, your eyes are as red as a rabbit." Ming Qinghe did not forget to tease me at this time, but his voice was full of concern.
"Let me take a look." Jiang Huai also rushed over from the door of a shop not far away.
He held my cheeks with both hands and moved his face closer to mine. My heart suddenly started beating wildly. I subconsciously wanted to step back because I was afraid that he could hear my heartbeat.
"Don't move." Jiang Huai said, staring into my eyes, and then flipping my eyelids, "Ah, sand."
"Let's go get a doctor to check it out." Du Juan hadn't expected there to be sand in the snow, and was still a little at a loss, "Let the doctor get it out."
"Let me try." Jiang Huai came close to my eyes and blew hard, and a gust of dry warm wind blew into my eyes.
I instinctively wanted to close my eyes, but Jiang Huai's hand was pressing on my eyelids and I couldn't blink.
"Or let's go find a doctor. You see Shan'er is crying non-stop." Xu Chenxi took out a tissue and gently wiped my uncontrollable tears. "The sand can't be removed this way."
"It's okay, Shan'er. If you blink now, the sand will flow out with your tears." Jiang Huai's voice was close at hand, revealing a hint of concern.
He let go of my hand and I blinked hard.
After blinking for about two minutes, Du Juan shouted in surprise: "Ah! It's out!"
"Don't do this next time." Ming Qinghe tapped Du Juan's forehead, "This is not a joke."
"I know. I don't want Fan to get hurt. I won't do it again next time."
Perhaps because she felt that she had caused trouble, Dujuan hung her head and her originally lively face lost its luster.
"I'm really fine, Ming Qinghe, don't blame Du Juan." I couldn't help but say, "Okay, let's continue."
"Shan'er, go home and wash your face, or you'll get frostbite. Haha, you'll turn into a harlequin cat." Ming Qinghe finally stopped talking about Du Juan and said to me, "It's very uncomfortable to have tears on your face."
"It's okay." I wiped my face with a tissue, "Just clean it up for a while."
"I'm a little thirsty." Jiang Huai said, "Let's go to Shan'er's house and have a cup of hot tea."
Even Jiang Huai said so, so I couldn't say anything. After returning home, I washed my face and my grandfather made a cup of hot tea for each of us. We stood in the yard with tea in our hands. The yard was also covered in white, and it looked like the place was dominated by white.
"The grape vines at Shan'er's house are this big."
Dujuan looked up at the grape vines covered with snow on the grape racks. At this time of year, the grapes only had dry branches, and tender branches would not grow until the next spring.
"That's great. Next summer vacation, there will be plenty of grapes to eat." Ming Qinghe has already started to imagine, "What should I do? Winter vacation isn't over yet, and I'm already looking forward to the summer vacation. "
"If I don't come to Shan'er's house to pick grapes every summer vacation, it doesn't feel like summer vacation." Du Juan said, reaching out and patting the grape branches, "So, grapes, you have to keep growing forever."
I sat on a chair in the corridor and watched everyone gathered here. I always felt warm and peaceful in my heart.
I wish this scene and this mood could be frozen in time for eternity.
However, some things are slowly changing with the rising and setting of the sun every day.
Between Dujuan and me, Xu Chenxi and me, Dujuan and Xu Chenxi, an invisible crack slowly appeared, and finally in the second semester of the third year of junior high school, the crack became so big that even I could not save it.