After the bonfire dance, we found a restaurant to have dinner. Back at the villa, everyone was tired and went back to their rooms to sleep without much chatting.
Lying in bed, looking at the starry sky outside the window, I don’t know why, but I just can’t fall asleep.
Du Juan seemed to be talking in her sleep, and she didn't know whether Xu Chenxi, who was sleeping in the next room, was asleep or not.
After tossing and turning for a few times, I finally gave in. I sat up from the bed, opened the window, and the refreshing night breeze rushed towards me. The sea was not far from the villa. Standing here, I could see that the sea surface was as beautiful as if it was covered with a layer of gauze.
I gently pushed open the door and wanted to go out for a walk. Ever since I saw Jiang Huai at school that day, my heart has always felt like a sponge was pressing down on it, a sponge filled with memories and heavy.
I tiptoed to the staircase and walked down the stairs step by step. A ray of light came over me, and I realized that the lights in the hall downstairs were not turned off. I walked down a few steps and saw two people sitting in the hall.
I froze in place all of a sudden, as if I were frozen.
The two people sitting in the hall were Jiang Huai and Xu Chenxi.
Jiang Huai sat there, Xu Chenxi rested her head on his shoulder, the picture was so warm.
The big clock on the wall struck twelve o'clock midnight, like the nightmare that I least wanted to wake up from.
Cinderella’s princess dream only lasts until twelve o’clock, and it seems that my escape can only end there.
The things that I had been avoiding since that day appeared so clearly before my eyes at this moment.
I turned around and walked back, not wanting to ruin the scene.
I didn't go back to my room, but went to the rooftop. The night wind blew on my face, which was very astringent and painful. I touched my face with my hand and found that it was already wet.
I sat on the roof, my legs hanging over the railing, swaying in the night wind. I vaguely remember someone telling me that there are two reasons why people cry: the first is for themselves, and the second is for others.
Feeling pitiful and crying because you wronged is something only children would do.
I guess I must still be a little kid.
Because at this moment, my chest is clearly filled with grievance.
I don’t know how long I sat on the rooftop alone. When I felt less uncomfortable, I raised my hands and wiped my face hard.
When I went down the stairs, I found that there was no one in the hall. I pushed the door open and walked out, but as soon as I took a step, I heard a voice.
"It's so late, where are you going?" The man's voice seemed a little cold in the darkness. The three-year sense of estrangement was clearly conveyed to me at this moment.
No matter how well we pretend or how indifferent we appear to be, we cannot hide the fact that we have become strangers to each other to a degree that we cannot even imagine.
"I had a nightmare and couldn't fall asleep after waking up, so I wanted to go out for a walk," I said.
I didn't look back, and I didn't know why he didn't go to bed so late, and what he was doing in the dark hall. At this time, I was in no mood to think about this question.
I closed the door, walked out of the villa gate, and walked another 50 meters forward. The soft sandy beach was right under my feet. After I calmed down, I realized that even in the hot summer, the sea breeze in the second half of the night still felt cold.
I folded my arms and continued walking forward. There seemed to be someone on the beach. I hesitated for a moment and did not move forward. However, a burst of crying was blown into my ears by the sea breeze.
I was startled and my scalp went numb.
Who would be crying at this time?
I struggled for a long time, but finally couldn't resist curiosity and walked towards the direction where the crying sound came from. In fact, there is a very good saying that people are afraid because they can't see. If I don't go to see what's going on, then this crying sound tonight will definitely become a shadow in my heart.
I walked forward slowly, and the shadow got closer and closer to me. Finally, under the dim starlight, I could see clearly who was crying.
The girl squatting on the beach was long-haired. Her clothes and appearance looked familiar. When I got closer, I suddenly realized that this girl was the one who played the drums by the campfire before.
I was stunned for a moment, and my thoughts, which had finally calmed down, were instantly disrupted again.
Why is the girl crying?
At that time, she was so happy that she seemed like she would never be sad. She played the drums so vigorously, how could a girl like her squat on the beach crying like a madman in the dead of night?
I squatted in front of her and there were a few cans on the ground.
I picked it up and saw that it was an empty beer can.
As if she felt someone was around, the girl who had been crying so hard finally raised her head. The faint starlight illuminated her wet face, and her eyes, washed by tears, were incredibly bright.
"Who are you?" She looked at me in confusion. "Why are you here?"
"I just came out for a walk." I smiled at her in a friendly manner. "I recognize you. You are the drummer of the band. I have seen you play the drums."
She was silent for a moment, then burst out laughing: "Really? I finally found a chance to be alone, but I can't even cry for a while?"
"No, no." I quickly waved my hands and said, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."
She was a little surprised, but didn't say anything, just nodded.
She picked up a can from the ground and handed it to me: "You are here alone so late at night, you must be unhappy about something! Meeting here is also a kind of fate, sit down and drink with me for a while."
"I don't drink." I said, not taking the food she handed me.
"Haha." She laughed, and that smile made it seem like she hadn't been crying just now. "Don't worry , this is Coke. I went to buy beer before, but the store owner took the wrong can. I thought it would be wasted, but I didn't expect to meet you."
Only then did I take it with confidence, opened the can, leaned in and smelled it, and it was indeed Coke.
"Are you curious about why I'm crying here?" She smiled, raised her head and took a big sip of wine, "Forget it, I might as well tell you about it. I have no one to talk to. Just listen, and be a trash can for once. The can of Coke is my payment to you."
"You talk, I'm listening." I said softly.
Her story began five years ago. The handsome uncle who played the horse-head fiddle in the band was once her lover. She thought she really loved him so much that she followed him everywhere regardless of everything. Yunnan, Tibet, Heilongjiang, they measured the length and width of the land with music.
The boy who plays the guxiao in the band is her friend who she has grown up with. They all love music, so they got together and formed such a unique band.
At the beginning, they were so happy, and she thought they would be happy forever. But later, all the balance was broken. The guitarist of the band stopped wandering and went home to get married. The new guitarist was a very beautiful woman. The woman was much older than her. From the day the woman joined, some things began to change.
But she didn't care about those subtle changes, because there were only two women in the band, so she got along well with the guitarist, and she regarded the guitarist as her sister. No matter what she did, she would always bring the guitarist with her, because she didn't want the new guitarist to feel left out or abandoned.
"I'm such an idiot." She laughed at herself.
One day, after the performance, the handsome uncle suddenly broke up with her. She was as confused as a child, not even knowing what she had done wrong. They had been together for a long time, and she didn't know what went wrong. He who loved her so much would say those two words to her so casually.
She didn't think much about it at that time, until one day, when she saw the guitarist snuggling in the arms of a handsome uncle through the half-open door, she knew why things had turned out like this.
She also thought about leaving, but she felt unwilling to do so, so she made herself a better person.
She thought, if one day she became more dazzling than the guitarist, would the handsome uncle look back at her?
"You know what?" she said. "He just told me that he and her are done and he wants to get back together with me. He likes the way I play drums and he still likes me."
"Huh?" I looked at her in surprise. "What you have always wanted... has come true?"
She wiped away her tears and shook her head: "I thought I would be happy this way, but it's not true. When this day really came, I was not happy at all. I was very sad, I was so sad that I couldn't bear it anymore."
"Why?" I was a little confused.
Why was she so unhappy even though her wish had been fulfilled?
She didn't answer my question, but staggered to her feet, stretched, and said, "I've finished my story, and I feel much better. Okay, I'm going back to sleep."
"You haven't told me your name yet!" I stood up and said this sentence without knowing why. "Can you tell me your name? How can the protagonist of the story have no name?"
She shook her head and said, "You don't need to know my name."
After saying that, she left without looking back, leaving me alone staring at the sea in a daze.
I am very confused. If she made herself better in order to get the handsome uncle back to her, and this was her wish and what she was working for, then why, when her wish came true, she felt more painful than if she had lost him?
Doesn’t the fulfillment of a wish necessarily bring happiness?
I reached out and covered my chest with my hands. Just like me, I clearly wanted everyone to get together like we did when we were kids, happy and close, but now that everyone is really together, I am not as happy as I imagined.
I once thought that I had forgotten those unhappy things. I thought I could face any ending calmly, even if the ending would make me sad. In fact, I always overestimated myself.
I am not the Virgin Mary, I cannot forgive everyone.
Xu Chenxi, it’s not like I said I never blamed you.
"I hate myself so much."
I only drank Coke, but why do I feel like I'm drunk?
Because only when you are drunk can you dare to face the self that you dare not face when you are sober.
"Hypocrite, haha." I buried my face in my palms and looked at myself for the first time. "Su Shan'er, it turns out that you are just a hypocrite."
I picked up the cans scattered on the beach and put them in a trash can not far away. After doing this, I walked back to the villa.
"Su Shan'er."
Jiang Huai didn't leave. He was still in the lobby downstairs.
Hearing me open the door, he called me quickly.
I ignored him. In fact, Jiang Huai was the culprit of everything.
Because of JAC, we have become like this.
I went upstairs directly and wanted to go back to my room, but Jiang Huai suddenly strode over and grabbed my wrist forcefully.
In the darkness, I couldn't see his face clearly, I could only hear his rapid breathing.
"Su Shan'er, why are you ignoring me?" His voice was a little anxious and a little angry. "You know what? You are weird!"
"I'm not the weird one." I wanted to push his hand away, but he held it very tightly. For a while, I couldn't get him to let go. "Jiang Huai, I'm going to bed. I'm very tired."
"What are you thinking about? I don't seem to understand it." He whispered in my ear, "Whether it's when we were kids or now, Su Shan'er, why are you always like this?"
"What's the matter? Why do you mean I'm always like this? I don't even know what I am like now!" An inexplicable anger welled up in my heart. I couldn't shake off his hand, and in desperation, I lowered my head and bit him hard.
Jiang Huai didn't expect me to do this and let go in fright.
"Su Shan'er, you..."
"Why? What should I do? How could this happen? I've been thinking about this too." I sat on the steps and whispered, "I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to see others sad. Why can't we just stay together happily forever?"
"Idiot." Jiang Huai's voice was filled with helplessness.
He sat down next to me in the dark.
The sky and the earth seemed to have been taken away by darkness, which was so similar to the scene in my dream. The only difference was that there was an extra Jiang Huai next to it.
"Why should you think about it alone? Whether everyone is happy together is everyone's problem. Su Shan'er, have you noticed that you have always planned everything for everyone since childhood, as if everyone's emotions can be controlled by you... But, Shan'er, emotions are a very strange thing, invisible and intangible, and cannot be set in advance like a game. In this world, how can there be such an easy and once-and-for-all thing?" He said, sighing, "Human beings are very complex beings. We can't even control our own emotions, so how can we dominate others? You see, we can be happy for a very small thing, but we can also be hurt by a word."
I looked at Jiang Huai in astonishment. I couldn't see his face in the darkness, but I felt...
He must have said these to me with a smile.
"That day...you saw me, didn't you?" I asked softly.
Jiang Huai said: "I thought you would never ask."
I fell silent and instinctively wanted to escape again.
Why did Jiang Huai appear in Xu Chenxi's house that day?
Today, why did Jiang Huai snuggle with Xu Chenxi in the hall late at night?
After not seeing each other for three years, what is the relationship between him and Xu Chenxi now?
"Why don't you ask questions? Asking questions is a necessary condition for solving problems. If you don't ask, how can others answer you?" Jiang Huai said, "You should have a lot of questions to ask me, but whether it was three years ago or now, you are unwilling to ask."
I felt a little sad, so I stood up and walked up a few steps.
I said, "Because I am afraid of getting the answer. Sometimes not knowing anything is also a kind of happiness, even if it is just a kind of happiness of covering one's ears and stealing the bell."