I had long guessed that Shen Xiaoxi would come to see me privately.
Sure enough, after dinner in the evening, she pushed open my door like an angry little beast.
"Bai Xiaodie, why didn't you get out of the way during the day?" She yelled at me, "You actually embarrassed me in front of my classmates, why are you so annoying!"
I opened my mouth and wanted to say something, but after a long time I realized that I had nothing to say.
Say "sorry"?
I have always said sorry, and when I have nothing to say, I always use "I'm sorry" to get by. This time, I only need to say "I'm sorry" and Shen Xiaoxi will come down the stairs, at most say a few hurtful words to me, and then walk away as a winner.
But I just can't say "I'm sorry".
"Are you mute?" she kept chattering, but I couldn't respond, which seemed to make her even angrier and more annoyed.
Her voice suddenly increased, and her ferocious expression made her pretty face look ugly.
At this moment, I suddenly remembered what my mother said.
She said: "Xiaodie, a smile is the most beautiful expression of a girl . A smiling girl is the most beautiful. Once a girl loses her smile, she will never have true beauty."
Yes, what mom said really makes sense.
"Bai Xiaodie!" Perhaps sensing my absent-mindedness, she grabbed my collar and pushed me back hard, "Why do you want to live in this world? Your life is a waste, do you know that?
"This family actually doesn't need you at all. You should have known this clearly. Go to hell. Why don't you just die?" She strangled my neck hard. For a moment, her eyes really showed that she wanted to kill me.
This scares me a little.
I suddenly struggled and resisted.
After graduating from high school, my height grew like a sapling, and I was taller than Shen Xiaoxi in no time. So, if I really wanted to resist, Shen Xiaoxi would not be able to beat me.
"You dare to hit me!" Shen Xiaoxi looked at me in astonishment, and then she hit me with even greater force.
In a panic, I grabbed her hair and she slapped me twice loudly.
"Yes! So what if I hit you!" My mouth was filled with the taste of blood, and my reason completely collapsed at this moment.
I resisted with all my strength, as if I wanted to vent all the anger in my heart.
"That's enough, Shen Xiaoxi! You want others to know their own limitations, and you want them to die, so why don't you die yourself? You are really annoying, and you are also hypocritical!"
"I'm hypocritical?" Shen Xiaoxi screamed, reaching out to grab my hair. "How ridiculous! How can I compare to Bai Xiaodie, who shamelessly wrote about boys in her diary?"
"Then how dare you say with all your heart that you, Shen Xiaoxi, don't like Xia Nuo?" I asked loudly, and then I saw Shen Xiaoxi froze and looked at me with an incredible look, as if she didn't understand why I asked that question.
Only then did I realize what I had just said. I stood there for a moment, feeling a little overwhelmed.
Seeing her increasingly fierce eyes , I couldn't help but step back in fear.
Suddenly, with a loud bang, the bookshelf behind me, which had been tilted when we were fighting, could not bear the weight of my sudden step back and fell down, with the books on it falling heavily.
Shen Xiaoxi, who was approaching me and wanted to say something, suddenly screamed and covered her eyes: "My eyes, my eyes..."
"What happened?" Because the noise was so loud, my father and Aunt Chen, who were watching TV in the room, ran over. They looked at the mess, and Shen Xiaoxi and I in the mess, in astonishment.
"Uncle!" Shen Xiaoxi burst into tears, "My eyes hurt so much, my eyes hurt so much, Xiaodie hit me."
I was about to say something in my defense, but when I met my father's angry eyes, all my words were stuck in my throat. That look made me feel like I was falling into an icy cave.
I felt like a drowning person, just like the dream I had that night, I was struggling in the water, but no one saved me. Only cold water poured into my mouth and nose, making it impossible for me to breathe. Clusters of bubbles floated to the surface, so fragile that they would break at the slightest touch.
"Why did you hit Xiaoxi?" Aunt Chen slapped me without saying a word, and the look in her eyes was so terrifying.
It was a cold hatred, as if it could turn into a sharp blade and kill me with just the look in his eyes.
She had always ignored me as much as possible, and sometimes she had to smile at me, but her smile was always stiff. Now, her baby daughter was injured, which completely tore her disguise of smiling apart.
She stopped ignoring me, she looked at me with the angriest look and raised her hand to hit me.
"Bai Xianhe, your good daughter! She beats people at home at will and is lawless. The child born by that woman is really disappointing!" Aunt Chen comforted Shen Xiaoxi while pointing at her father and scolding.
"I don't allow you to talk about my mother!" I covered my face and looked at Aunt Chen angrily, "You bad woman, you ran into my house and took over something that originally belonged to my mother!"
"What did you say?" Aunt Chen's face turned pale and she was furious. "Bai Xianhe, listen to what she said. I took her mother's things? Tell her, who took whose things!"
"Shut up, everyone! Xiaodie, it's wrong for you to hit someone! Didn't dad teach you to be polite? How could you talk to Aunt Chen like that? Apologize to her quickly!" Dad's eyes were red, and I looked at him in a daze. I saw disappointment in his eyes.
“No…” That look finally brought back all my sanity.
You certainly didn't teach me to have manners, Dad.
Do you remember when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk with me?
Do you remember...you are my father?
However, these words lingered on my lips for a long time and were ultimately not spoken.
"Bai Xianhe, why are you still standing there? Take Xiaoxi to the hospital quickly! If anything happens to Xiaoxi's eyes, I will not let your daughter go!" Aunt Chen yelled loudly, then helped the crying Shen Xiaoxi out of my room, and my father chased after her as if he had woken up from a dream.
"I'll drive!" he said hastily.
I stood in the messy room, facing the mess on the floor, and regardless of the burning pain on my face or the pain on my shoulder which was also hit by the book, I bent down to pick up the fallen book.
My mind is full of “whys”.
Why does my dad hate me so much even though I haven't done anything wrong?
I try my best to be sensible and suppress my emotions, but if I don't bully others, others will bully me.
As I was picking up the trash, I squatted down, put my hands over my face, and forced myself not to cry, not to cry, definitely not to cry. Anyway, even if I cried, no one would comfort me, no one would coax me.
But how could there be such a father in this world?
And Aunt Chen, why can she be so confident to blame my father? It was she who occupied everything that originally belonged to my mother! Even if my mother is gone, this place will always belong to my mother!
What is Dad thinking?
Does he remember my dead mother?
What am I in his eyes?
And what is this home?
"Mom, where are you?" I murmured, stepping on the messy books on the floor and walked out woodenly.
Standing at the door of my house, I suddenly felt very strange. This place where I was born and raised should be very kind and familiar, but ever since Shen Xiaoxi and her daughter moved in, the only emotion I have towards this place is hatred.
I sat down on the steps at the door of my house, resting my chin on my hands and looking at the starry sky.
The sky is like a curtain woven by the Weaver Girl with the finest clouds, and the twinkling stars are the tears that drip from her eyes when she misses her lover.
One drop, two drops, three drops, come together to form a sky full of stars.
Just like my longing for my mother, all is hidden in these stars.
"Hello." Suddenly, a familiar voice came into my ears.
I looked up subconsciously.
Just like when I was sixteen, a young man walked in the night, leading his St. Bernard dog, and walked up to me. He still looked at me with cold and slightly mocking eyes.
At that moment, I thought time had gone back, and I went from nineteen back to sixteen, the same starry night, the same desperate and painful mood.
Also met Shu Nian.
"How did you get yourself into this state? Did you come back from the war in Iraq?" He patted the big dog's head and sat down next to me. "Or did you suffer domestic violence?"
"It's none of your business." My voice was a little stiff. "If you plan to laugh at me or ridicule me, then don't do that, because I'm already very miserable."
"Yeah." He rummaged through his pockets, found a tissue and handed it to me. "Since you're already in such a miserable state, do you still mind if I ridicule you?"
I was stunned because I thought he was going to laugh at me, but he just handed me a tissue.
Suddenly I found it a little funny. Since I met him, including this time, he has handed me tissues three times. And it seemed that each time was when I was in a very embarrassing and miserable situation.
I took the tissue and was about to wipe my face, but when the tissue touched my nose, the strong pungent smell made me sneeze, and along with the sneeze came out my tears.
The tears that I had been trying hard to hold back fell because of a sneeze.
"You..." I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand, but as soon as I wiped them away, new tears slid down the corners of my eyes. "How can you be so annoying?"
The tissue he handed me was coated with medicated oil, but I was absent-minded and didn't notice it at all when I took it.
He looked at my funny appearance with snot and tears, and smiled widely: "Little Butterfly, you are hopelessly stupid. Do you know? You look like a rag doll abandoned in a garbage dump, ragged, dirty, and no one wants you. You are left alone in the garbage dump."
I looked down and realized that my clothes were torn when I fought with Shen Xiaoxi. I looked not much better than the beggars begging on the street.
Shu Nian is right, I am just an abandoned rag doll, tattered and no one wants me.
Thinking of this , my tears couldn't stop flowing.
The grievance of being misunderstood by my father and the loneliness of being left alone instantly turned into bitter tears, which rushed down from the corners of my eyes.
The big dog sitting next to Shu Nian came over whimpering, sticking out its big tongue and licking my face.
Warm and itchy.
I opened my arms and hugged the big dog's head, crying my heart out.
Shu Nian didn't say anything, just sat there quietly. The annoying Shu Nian also remained silent at this time.
I don't know how long I cried while hugging the big dog. When I couldn't cry anymore, I let go of the big dog's head. It gently rubbed my face and returned to sit next to its owner.
"Here you go." He handed me a new tissue, but I didn't dare take it.
When he saw that I didn't reach out to take it, he came closer to me and wiped my eyes with a tissue. There was no pungent smell on it.
He said softly, "What are you afraid of? If you don't want to cry, you won't cry even if the pepper gets into your eyes. You just used the tissue with the wind oil as an excuse to let yourself cry freely. You are a coward, you don't even dare to cry with a clear conscience!"
I didn't refute him. No matter what he said, I thought, at least today I wouldn't blame him.
Because he was here when I was most lonely!
Here, even if he is covered with thorns and pierces me with blood, at least——
He's here.
"Thank you, you always give me tissues in a timely manner," I said.
He was stunned for a moment, then he smiled shyly, patted the big dog on the head and said, "You're welcome."