That night, I dreamed of Shanuo again.
It was a lavender field that bloomed like an ocean. When the hot wind blew through the field, the purple lavender was as light as dandelions, flying around me and carrying me into the air.
It is such a beautiful scene.
Such beautiful lavender.
I reached out my hand to grab one, but the moment my fingers touched the flower, the lavender field disappeared. The place where I was standing turned into the sea.
I fell into the sea, struggling, trying to open my mouth and scream, but my mouth and nose were submerged by the cold sea water. Countless flowers floated on the water, so beautiful, but with a gray smell of death.
Will I die?
Will I drown in this sea of ​​unknown depth, and then no one will find out, and no one will be sad about my disappearance, as if I have never appeared in this world, and will not leave any trace until I die?
I stopped struggling and let my body slowly sink into the water, then quietly raised my head and looked at the world above the water.
Shen Xiaoxi was chatting and laughing happily with everyone on the shore, as if celebrating my disappearance.
Xia Nuo walked by the water, with a warm smile on his face. His eyes swept towards me, but he seemed not to see me, just like a year ago when he passed by me in the corridor and whispered "thank you" to him, and passed by me who was sinking.
There was another person, who was squatting by the water with a big dog, showing a sneer, with a pair of black and bright eyes. He just watched me sink, and tiny bubbles floated up, like a drowning fish.
I also saw my father chatting and laughing with Aunt Chen, and my mother who had gone to heaven and was looking at me with sad eyes.
I stretched my hands upwards, trying to grab something, but they were all illusions and shattered with the bubbles in the water.
You can't catch anything!
As I am now, there is no way I can keep anything.
My chest felt so uncomfortable, as if a large sponge soaked with water was pressing on it, heavy and a little painful.
I closed my eyes and looked at nothing.
I don’t know how long this went on, but suddenly a hand grabbed mine, I opened my eyes suddenly, and sat up from the bed.
When I woke up from the dream, I was gasping for breath, and my head and body were covered in sweat.
Why do I have such a bad dream?
The despair of having no one to save you, the sorrow of having no one know you're dead, makes me unable to stop crying.
I put my hands up to cover my face, trying hard to keep them from spilling out.
In my dream, I still have a glimmer of expectation!
So who finally held the hand of the me living in the dream?
Who saved me from such a desperate situation?
Who do I subconsciously hope will save me?
In other words, in my opinion, who is most likely to come and save me?
I suddenly remembered that last year, Xia Nuo happened to pass by our classroom. He supported me when I fainted and carried me to the infirmary.
Could it be him?
That gentle boy, did he in my dream save me again?
Because no one else can come to save me!
In the dream, Shen Xiaoxi would only celebrate my death, and Shu Nian, that guy, would only watch coldly after he found me in the water from the beginning. Dad and Aunt Chen were chatting so happily that they almost forgot that I was their daughter!
Aunt Chen was even less likely to come to save me. Ever since she came into this family , she has tried her best to ignore my existence. Once I accidentally met her eyes, and I read a strong hatred there.
She hates me as much as I hate her.
Among so many people, only Xia Nuo is as gentle as the warm sun in winter.
I got up from the bed, went to the bathroom, took a shower, changed into pajamas, but couldn't fall asleep again. So I opened my diary and wrote down all my dreams and feelings.
I hesitated before writing this, because Shu Nian said that when you write your secrets on paper, you must be prepared to be exposed to everyone. But after that, Shen Xiaoxi never came into my room again. She completely ignored me. So I wrote it here, is it okay?
The next day, after I packed my things and went to school, Shen Xiaoxi had already left, but when I walked to the entrance of the alley, I met someone.
It was the girl who chased after Shu Nian yesterday but was left behind by Shu Nian.
She seemed to be waiting for someone. When she saw me, she was stunned for a moment, then walked towards me and greeted me with a smile: "Good morning."
"Morning." I quickly lowered my head.
I'm really not good at dealing with people, especially people I don't know.
"That's strange. You live here too, but why have I never seen you before?" She followed me and said in a very confused tone, "You and Shu Nian are in the same grade?"
"Yeah." I nodded gently, not wanting to answer any questions about Shu Nian.
"No wonder, she is one grade lower than me." She said with sudden enlightenment, "I am your senior, you have to call me senior from now on."
I quickly looked up at her, not really understanding why she was telling me this. Before yesterday, I didn't know her. Not even an acquaintance, and she looked at me with such a complicated look, so why was she so familiar with me and talking to me?
Or……
Was that look just my illusion, my imagination?
Are all normal people like this? Is it only an introverted, gloomy guy like me who is unwilling to take the initiative to talk to others?
When I was a child, I was ridiculed for not being cute. I felt that everyone was looking at me with strange eyes, which made me gradually develop an autistic personality that is quiet and always hides myself.
"Alas, if this child looked like you, she would be very beautiful. What a pity..." I vaguely remember that an aunt who was good friends with my mother once touched my head, looked at me with a look that made my heart cold, and said these words to my mother.
At the time, she had a beautiful daughter by her side, who said coquettishly, "She looks so weird and ugly. I don't want to play with her."
It has been so long since the incident that I can't even remember what they looked like. The only things that remain vivid in my mind are those two sentences.
What a pity... She looks so weird and ugly...
These words entangled me like a magic sound, so I became even less talkative and didn't want to play with others. My mother always took me out of the house so that I could meet more friends, but unfortunately I always sat aside with my head down, and the laughter of other children was in my ears. I felt like a creature from another dimension and couldn't fit in at all.
"It's okay, Xiaodie. One day, you will transform into a beautiful butterfly. You have to believe in your mother!" Mom looked at me and made a decision that would influence my life. "Xiaodie, go learn to dance. Girls who can dance are the most beautiful."
So she sent me to ballet class when I was four years old, and from then on, I had no chance to get to know other children in the community.
But, mom, do you know?
Bai Xiaodie, who has learned ballet, still can't fly.
"Hey, I'm asking your name!" I felt a force pulling on my arm, and then the girl's impatient voice rang in my ear, her eyes were very angry, "I asked you many times, what are you thinking about?"
"Oh, yes, sorry." I apologized quickly, "My name is Bai Xiaodie, I didn't mean to be distracted just now."
"Why are you like this?" Her tone was a little unhappy . "You look aggrieved, as if I'm bullying you. Can you not be like this? If you are always like this, people who get close to you will become as annoying as you! Do you know that Shu Nian..."
"Luo Yuxin, shut up and stay away from her from now on!"
At this moment, an even more unpleasant voice came over and interrupted the senior sister's words. That voice carried a rare hint of anger.
I turned around in shock, and saw Shu Nian walking towards me in a hurry with his schoolbag on his shoulders. He walked between me and the senior schoolmate, and looked at me with cold eyes. His eyes only swept across my face, and then quickly moved away, and then turned to look at Luo Yuxin. I could only see his profile.
"Let's go, we'll be late if we don't leave now." He said coldly, grabbed my arm and pulled me forward.
I was a little angry and tried to shake off his hand, but he held it tightly and dragged me forward with an unresistable momentum.
I looked back at Luo Yuxin in panic, she was standing there with a gloomy face. This time I was sure that I saw strong disgust in her eyes.
Luo Yuxin hates me and doesn't even mind letting me know it.
Why? Is it because Shu Nian dragged me away twice and ignored her?
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't. It was not a good feeling to be the target of anger.
"You actually go with someone you don't know!" He smiled sarcastically, his handsome thin lips slightly raised, looking extremely mean, but it is undeniable that he does have a perfect face.
If he was willing to smile with a normal expression, if he was willing to talk to people nicely, he would definitely become more popular than Shanuo!
"What does it have to do with you? Don't you think you are meddling in other people's business? We are not that familiar with each other. We are classmates at most! Why do you care who I go with?" I said to him coldly.
Facing this guy, I have been angry and resisted fiercely, but unfortunately, this person never knows how to read 's faces, so I can only respond with indifference.
"Tsk tsk, little butterfly." He sounded as if he had discovered a new world, with exaggerated surprise in his tone, "You actually said such a thorny word. If you keep going like this, maybe I will really fall in love with you!"
I felt inexplicably irritated - like me?
Are you kidding?
No one will like me, Bai Xiaodie!
His words were a great irony to me. Even my biological father doesn't love me, so how could I possibly be liked by others?
"Don't say that again." I whispered, shaking off Shu Nian's hand, quickening my pace and walking a few steps forward, leaving the annoying him behind, "Please don't say that again."
After saying this, I ran away in disgrace.
I ran all the way to school before I dared to look back. Fortunately, Shu Nian was not in my sight. I guess I ran too fast and finally got rid of him.
I leaned against the pillar in the corridor, breathing heavily, my heart beating faster than ever. Touching my burning cheeks, I suddenly realized that I hadn't run like this for a long time.
"A good dog doesn't block the road, get out of the way!" Shen Xiaoxi stood in front of me and said to me coldly.
I then realized that I was blocking someone else's way. I subconsciously wanted to move aside, but before I could even lift my foot, I heard Shu Nian's voice: "Don't move aside."
"Huh?" Shen Xiaoxi was stunned for a moment, and looked at Shu Nian in surprise, "Student Shu Nian, if you don't get out of the way, I can't get out!"
"That's your business. There are so many channels, you can choose another one." Shu Nian glanced at Shen Xiaoxi calmly, then turned to look at me. He stretched out his hand and supported himself on the pillar. The mottled red paint made his hand look particularly slender and white.
The smile on Shen Xiaoxi's face froze for a moment, but because Shu Nian was there, she didn't say anything excessive to me or do anything excessive.
The atmosphere was frozen. I wanted to get away from here, but my legs felt like they were filled with lead and I couldn't take the first step.
"What are you doing?" Just when I was extremely nervous, a voice full of energy and laughter came over.
I suddenly breathed a sigh of relief and looked at the girl who was talking. It was Su Nan. Her seat was right in front of me. She was very nice and would often turn around to talk to me.
She smiled and reminded them: "Hurry up and go into the classroom . Morning reading class will start soon."
The original awkwardness collapsed in her smile. We walked into the classroom and had just sat down in our seats when the teacher came in with a book.