I sat by the window and looked at the black car outside. In the dim light, I could see Yu Xia standing by the car with a cigarette in his hand. He would occasionally take a puff, but most of the time he would let it burn freely on his fingertips.
He doesn't smoke, but he keeps his cigarette lit perhaps to refresh himself.
It is now one o'clock in the morning, and he has been standing there for more than five hours. When the car drove downstairs, he sent me a text message saying, "I'm waiting for you to come down and talk to you. If you don't show up, I'll keep waiting."
I thought that after leaving Xu Shihan's house, our relationship was completely over and we would never have any intersection again. However, his appearance here now makes me waver again.
The notepad on my phone clearly reminded me that in three days I would leave this city for Beijing and live there permanently. I didn’t know what the point of our meeting was now.
He just kept waiting like that, and I just kept watching him like that, until my neck became stiff, but I still couldn't fall asleep.
Finally, I couldn't help but go downstairs.
It was still a bit cold at night after it had just rained, and he was only wearing a thin shirt. I took out a coat that could be worn by both men and women from the closet and brought it downstairs.
"You finally came down." His voice was trembling because it was too cold. When I approached him, I found that his lips were slightly purple and his hands were rubbing his arms.
"Put it on!" I handed him the coat. "Actually, you don't have to wait."
"You finally came down, didn't you? That means my wait was worth it." He put on his coat, turned around and opened the car door, "It's cold outside, let's talk in the car!"
"Yeah." I got into the passenger seat. I hadn't sat in this position for a long time, and I actually felt a little warm. However, this warmth couldn't make my heart warm again. After leaving Xu Shihan's house, I had already given up hope on Yu Xia, and I knew that no matter whether what happened with Blue Rain was true or false, we couldn't go back.
"I heard you are leaving? Going to Beijing?" he asked.
"Well, I'm leaving in two days. The company over there asked me to go to work as soon as possible , and I also need to go there in advance to look for an apartment. Time is quite tight." I tried my best to control my emotions and spoke to him as if he was an ordinary friend.
"Su Bei, can you please not leave?"
"I have decided. I don't want to stay in this city anymore, and I don't want to continue to be sad because of you." I looked at him, "Yu Xia, we are both very tired, so let's not torture each other anymore."
"I don't understand what I did wrong." He was a little upset, and his tone was much higher. "One day when I got off work, I found you missing, and then I looked for you for a long time. You told me that you needed to calm down. Su Bei, I really don't know what I did wrong to make you leave me suddenly, and I don't know why we have come to this point today. I am so innocent, and the child is so innocent."
"I don't want to talk about the past anymore."
"Since you are leaving, you want me to die knowingly, right? I don't want to leave you and lose you without knowing why."
"Do you remember Christmas day?"
He nodded.
"That day I made an appointment with Xu Shihan to go shopping but you went home early. After you came home, I asked you what you did and what you ate all day. You told me that you had been working overtime at the company and had lunch in the cafeteria." I recalled everything that happened that day, and sadness spread to every part of my body. I had to try hard to suppress it so as not to cry in pain.
"I remember that day, so? Is that why you left me?"
"But I saw you in the mall that day. You and a woman I didn't know appeared in a coffee shop. The two of you were talking and laughing, and seemed very intimate."
"That person..."
"After I went back, I struggled for a long time about whether or not to ask you about this matter. After thinking about it, I decided to ask you indirectly. If you told me that you went out to eat with a woman, whether she was a client or a friend, I would not care. I would continue to be with you as if nothing happened, but you didn't. You lied to me." I calmed down and continued, "If there was nothing between you two, why did you lie to me? Why couldn't you tell me the truth? Yu Xia, do you know that from that day on, my heart has been hanging and I have been worried."
"Because of her, you decided to leave me? Because of your inexplicable speculation, you regarded me as a betrayer, so you aborted the child? So you want to go to Beijing to start over? Su Bei, don't you think you are very selfish?"
The word "selfish" touched my sensitive nerves. Xu Shihan said the same thing to me that day. I couldn't help but think of the look Yu Xia gave me when Xu Shihan fell to the ground. It was distrust... and blame.
He doesn't believe me, does he?
"I'm selfish? Did Xu Shihan tell you that? What else did she tell you? That I'm a narrow-minded woman? That I'm not worthy of your love? Or that she could stay with you forever, never leave you, so that you can forget me quickly?" When I mentioned her, my anger burned and I couldn't help but sneer.
"Su Bei, could you please stop being unreasonable? What does this matter have to do with Shihan?" He was also a little angry and raised his voice.
"It has nothing to do with her? Do you know that she has made a great contribution to our success today? Do you know how scheming this woman is?" I really wanted to tell her everything Xu Shihan had done, but I couldn't bear to do it. After all, she had been with him for five years.
"Su Bei, we have already been sorry enough to Shihan. She is a good girl. Can you please stop hurting her?" Yu Xia was almost begging me not to continue.
"Oh, she's a good girl, but I'm not. You've already made up your mind, so why did you come to me? Just like that day, you clearly didn't know the whole story, but you still made up your mind that I was a bad person, and I pushed poor Xu Shihan to the ground. Yu Xia, do you know that sometimes what you see with your eyes is not necessarily true? People always believe their own eyes too blindly, and they will miss a lot."
"Since you know this, why do you think there is something going on between me and Lan Yu?" He asked me back. Seeing that I was silent, he continued, "Su Bei, the person I feel most sorry for these years is Shi Han. I hope you won't hurt her anymore, okay?"
"Okay... okay..." I suddenly laughed, my mouth stretched to the maximum, my eyes narrowed, "Okay, I promise you, I will never hurt that poor Xu Shihan again, so Yu Xia, can I go now? I think we have nothing to talk about anymore."
"I have one last question for you."
"Okay." "Is there any specific reason why you broke up with me?"
"If you think there is, then there is!" Throwing down this ambiguous answer, I opened the car door and trotted upstairs, afraid that he would see my tears by accident.
Yu Xia, I know I missed our last chance.
Perhaps many years later, when I think of you again, I will still feel sad. We grew up together under the banner of childhood sweethearts. You have been my sunshine since we were young. I feel bright wherever you are. I thought it would continue like this until we grow old together.
But we still broke up, again and again.
I have thought that maybe I am too stubborn and unwilling to give you a chance, which is why we are like this, but I still can't give myself an answer. We are both too sensitive, afraid of hurting each other and being cautious, maybe it is this cautiousness that destroyed our relationship!
Later, Yu Xia's car remained parked downstairs of my house and did not leave until after dawn. He probably didn't know how long his car had been parked, or how long I had been standing in front of the window. He may never know.
When I heard the news that Yu Xia had been in a car accident, I was packing my things at home to leave for Beijing two days later. It was my senior schoolmate who called. She was crying and gasping for breath, “Su Bei…Su Bei…what should I do…Yu Xia and Mo Zhun were in a car accident, they were all in a car accident…”
"Car accident? Don't scare me. What happened?"
These two words are a curse to me. They took away Sheng Yinuo, who loved me the most, when I was eighteen years old.
I suddenly felt very scared and panicked, afraid that it would once again take away the person who was most important to me.
"Su Bei, where are you going?"
After hanging up the phone, I ran out the door in my home clothes, not caring that I was still wearing slippers. My mother called my name several times behind me, but I didn't stop. I just kept shouting in my heart: "Yu Xia, please don't be in trouble, please don't be in trouble, I beg you, please."
"Ah--" I live on the third floor of an old building without an elevator. I was rushing down the stairs in my slippers, my foot slipped, and I rolled over on the stairs. Every part of my body was hit by the steps, and there was no way to stop.
My head was hit several times. I wanted to get up in a daze, but I had no strength left in my body. My eyelids felt very heavy, as if they were weighed down by a weight, and I couldn't open them.
"Yu Xia..." I called out the name weakly and passed out.
When I woke up again, I was already in the hospital. The smell of disinfectant made my stomach churn and I felt nauseous. My mother sat by the bed and watched me wake up. Tears fell from her red eyes: "You finally woke up. You scared me to death."
"Mom, where's Yu Xia? How's Yu Xia?" I wanted to sit up, and every part of my body was in great pain. I subconsciously touched my belly, and my eyes widened. How could this be possible? Why is my belly so flat? Why is there nothing there? "Mom, did I fall and hurt my brain? Why is my belly so flat? Where's my child? Where's my child with Yu Xia?"
"Su Bei, don't get excited, don't get excited." Mom pressed my shoulders and let me lie back on the bed.
"How can I not be excited? Mom, that's Yu Xia and I's child, how can I not be excited?" Knowing that losing the child was inevitable, I lay on the bed and sobbed like a child who had not grown up. My child, the child I carefully cared for and wanted to accompany him to grow up, is gone just like that? I don't believe it, I don't believe it, "Mom, tell me, did I hurt my brain and have an illusion? In fact, the child is still there, he is still well in my belly, right? Right? Right, right, mom, tell me, he is still alive, right?"
"Su Bei, the child is gone."
there is none left……
The child is gone...
The last bit of contact between me and Yu Xia is gone...
"Yu Xia, by the way, where is Yu Xia? How is Yu Xia?" I still remember that before he lost consciousness, the senior said that he had a car accident. "Mom, is Yu Xia okay?"
"Don't worry, don't worry, Yu Xia is fine, he just hurt his leg and can't get out of bed for a while. When you have recovered, I will take you to see him. He is fine."
"I'm glad you're okay." I was really afraid of the word "car accident". I was really afraid that he would take another Yu Xia away from me. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to bear the double blow of losing my child and him. "But the child is really gone, right?"
Mom nodded sadly.
"Mom, can you help me get some hot water? I want to drink something hot." I said.
"Okay, okay, Mom will buy you some porridge right away. Don't be sad anymore." When my mother heard me say that I wanted to drink something, her expression relaxed a little and there was some joy on her face. After telling me a few words, she went out with the thermos.
I lay in bed, thinking about my child, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I thought that even if I couldn't be with Yu Xia, I could at least live with our child. But God was so cruel that he wanted to deprive me of my last bit of happiness.
"Auntie, are you crying?" A girl in a pink princess dress came up to me, took out a handkerchief from her pocket and carefully wiped my tears. "Auntie, is it because the injection hurts too much?"
After putting the handkerchief into her pocket, she took out a candy from her other pocket, carefully peeled off the sugar coating and put it to my mouth: "Mom said that if you eat a piece of candy when you are in pain, the pain will go away! Let me tell you, this candy was brought back for me by Dad from abroad, it is very delicious."
It seems like a long time ago , I also had candy brought back from abroad. It was a strange candy called devil candy. It tasted terrible when I first put it in my mouth, but it tasted sweet after the outermost layer of sugar coating melted.
I still remember that after eating, Sheng Yinuo pointed at me and called me mom, saying that Su Bei was poisoned. I was also scared to tears because I saw his tongue when he opened his mouth and shouted, and I also thought he was poisoned.
The two children, who had only seen poisoning scenes in TV dramas, were so scared that they started crying loudly. Yu Xia looked at us as if we were fools, with a helpless expression.
"Thank you." I said, choking with sobs while holding the candy in my mouth.
"You're welcome. Mom said good things should be shared with others." When she smiled, her eyes curved into a beautiful crescent shape.
"Dongdong, why are you running around again?" A woman's voice shouted in the corridor.
"Oh, my mother found out that I ran away. Auntie, I'm leaving first. I'll come to see you in two days." The girl smiled, waved to me, and trotted away.
Looking at her cheerful figure, I couldn't help but wonder, if my child was still alive, would he be as lively and cute as Dongdong after he was born, would he have beautiful dimples when he smiled, would he...
There is no maybe, and there will be no possible.
"Xiaobei, I bought some millet porridge." Mom walked in quickly with a thermos in one hand and millet porridge in the other. She was relieved to see that I didn't run around. "You've been unconscious for a day and a night and have n't eaten anything. Drink some warm water first, and then some porridge."
She took out the water cup , slowly poured hot water into it, and then blew the hot air on it to make the water warmer little by little.
During the time I was in a coma, she must have suffered more than me. When she found out that the child was gone, she must have cried more than I did. She was obviously sad, but she had to put on a smile in front of me, just to prevent me from getting even sadder.
During the days of preparing to become a mother, I gradually began to understand my mother's good intentions. Over the years, I was too willful and made her sad.
"Thank you, Mom."
"What are you talking about, silly girl? I'm your mother. If I don't take care of you, who will?" She smiled at me, her face full of fatigue.
In order not to make my mother sad, I suppressed the discomfort in my stomach, drank the whole bowl of millet porridge, and then forced a smile to reassure her.
She has done so much for me, I really can't bear to let her continue to be sad for me.
I am an unfilial daughter, and I have always known it.