After meeting Lan Yu, I fell into a vortex of inferiority and couldn't extricate myself.
She was so mature, beautiful and charming, but I was always crying and making a fuss, and even lied to Yu Xia that I had aborted the baby.
No wonder Yu Xia wanted to see her even when she was with me. If I were a man and had a woman like this around me, I wouldn’t be able to help but meet her all the time!
When I got home, my mother was busy. Seeing her increasingly tired face, I didn't say anything. I just accompanied her and did housework pretending nothing was wrong.
"Mom, I'm going to Beijing tomorrow," I said.
"Huh? Going to Beijing?" She was a little surprised. She stopped washing the dishes, wiped her hands on her apron, raised her hands to push her hair behind her ears, and asked, "What are you going there for?"
"There's an interview over there, it's a very good company, I want to give it a try."
I have been hesitating whether to go to Beijing. After being with Yu Xia, I wanted to give up, but now it seems that there is no reason to give up.
"Really? Then go ahead. Have you bought the ticket? Do you want me to buy it for you?" Although my mother was reluctant, she always supported any decision I made.
"It's okay. I've already bought it and booked a place to stay. Just go over there."
“Then you go and prepare first. I can clean up the kitchen myself. It’s not a big deal.” Mom pushed me out of the kitchen and asked me to find something to do.
Back in the room, I sat in front of the dressing table and looked at myself in the mirror. In such a short period of time, I had lost a lot of weight and my complexion was very ugly, like a yellow-faced woman.
But I can no longer be Yu Xia’s shrewd wife.
I was feeling sorry for myself in front of the mirror when Mo Zhun called me. When I saw the name on the phone screen, I slapped my face to cheer myself up before answering the phone.
"Su Bei, are you going to Beijing tomorrow for an interview the day after tomorrow?" Mo Zhun asked.
"How do you know?" I was a little surprised.
"Didn't you tell your senior before?" Mo Zhun replied.
Then I remembered that I needed some certificates from my previous company for the re-interview at a Beijing company. I met a senior student when I went to get the certificate a few days ago, and I mentioned it to her casually.
"Big companies have their own requirements. You may not have experience on your first visit. I'll ask my friends about some things and tell you. You can take notes."
"Okay." Mo Zhun told me the rules that I needed to pay attention to during the interview one by one. When he encountered something I didn't understand, he explained it to me carefully. By the time he finished everything, more than half an hour had passed .
I looked at the densely packed requirements and rules on the paper, and I felt extremely grateful: "Mo Zhun, thank you so much."
"I'm very happy to see you fighting for your ideal. I heard about what happened between you and Yu Xia. I don't know how to comfort you. Just work hard. It's the best medicine to forget unhappiness." He said with some entanglement.
"Well, I will adjust my mood to welcome a good future. You and senior sister should be well, get married soon and have a big fat boy, and then arrange a baby marriage with this guy from mine." I said jokingly.
"Your family? Su Bei, you are not..."
It seems that he has heard what Yu Xia said. It's no wonder. They are good friends and colleagues, so it's not surprising that they talk about this topic.
"The child is still here, Mo Zhun, please don't tell Yu Xia about this, okay? I don't want him to know about this."
"He's the father of the child, why can't he know?" Mo Zhun said helplessly, "Su Bei, Yu Xia was really sad after knowing that the child was gone, not only because of the child, but also because you hurt your body so recklessly. What is the knot between you two that has to be like this?"
"Mo Zhun, I'm tired." I didn't want to continue this topic, nor did I want to bring my negative energy to my friend. "Thank you for the work."
"When will you come back from Beijing this time?"
"I'll go tomorrow and come back the night after tomorrow. I might not be there until ten."
"So late? You alone?"
"Yes." "I'll pick you up!" His tone was firm, "Don't refuse. We don't want you to come back alone so late."
I knew that we were him and the senior, so after thinking about it, I agreed.
After hanging up the phone, I started to feel sleepy again. I touched my stomach and smiled bitterly. You are really a sleepy little guy. I wonder if you will become a lazy bug when you grow up.
The next day I went out early in the morning to start my trip to Beijing. Before leaving, my schedule was very full. I had no time to go out and play, and I was not in the mood to play.
Thanks to Mo Zhun's help, the interview went smoothly. He mentioned in advance the details that needed attention and the key points that needed to be mentioned when answering questions. I can say that I completed the interview without any effort at all.
Only at the end, they asked a question: "Ms. Su, you are pregnant now and you are still single. Are you ready to get married?"
"No, I won't get married. I plan to raise this child alone."
The interviewers talked to each other and said to me, "We understand. You can go back first. You will be notified by email whether you pass or not."
"OK, thanks."
I knew this would be a self-destructive answer, but I still said it. I didn't want to live in anxiety and neglect my children in the future because of a lie at this time.
My child with Yu Xia.
It was already past ten in the evening when I got home. When I walked out of the station, Mo Zhun was already waiting there. When he saw me coming out, he came forward to help me carry my luggage, and we walked out of the station together.
I never thought that I would meet Yu Xia again at this time and in this occasion.
He was standing against the railing. When he heard the sound, he looked up at Mo Zhun and me, his eyes full of disbelief.
Mo Zhun and I both stopped, Yu Xia walked in front of us, looked at Mo Zhun, and finally stopped his gaze on me. He stared at me intently, his scorching eyes seemed to burn a hole in me.
"Is this why you left me?" Yu Xia looked at me, turned around, and punched Mo Zhun in the face. "As my good brother, you treat me like this?"
"Yu Xia, what are you doing?" I stood in front of Mo Zhun to stop him from hurting him. I knew he would not fight back. "This matter has nothing to do with Mo Zhun. It is my own choice to leave you."
"Then can you tell me why you went to Beijing? I know nothing. Was he the one who came to pick you up? Do you know how much effort I put in to get this news? I was thinking that I would come to pick you up, maybe we could have a chat. Hahaha, Su Bei, you really put on a good show. I wish you all the best!"
After saying that, Yu Xia turned around and left. No matter how Mo Zhun called his name behind him, he did not look back.
I felt a little sad. Was this how he saw me? Could I leave him for a man? If I could give up on him so easily, how could I have lived alone for so many years with only my memory?
Yu Xia, am I so superficial in your eyes? Or do you just want to use this opportunity to leave me without any guilt and be with Lan Yu?
Thinking of Lan Yu, my heart aches even more. Well, she is so outstanding, far beyond my reach. It is not surprising that Yu Xia made such a choice.
"Su Bei, are you okay? Do you need me to explain this to Yu Xia?"
"No need. Doesn't Yu Xia know about you and the senior?" I asked.
"He's in a bad mood because of the mess you guys made. I haven't found a chance to tell him." Mo Zhun sighed, "You guys obviously love each other so much, how could it end up like this?"
How did it become like this? I also want to know.
I forced a smile and said, "I don't know how it happened. I only know that I have to explain the injury on your face to Senior Sister when I go back. Also, you have to stop her and don't let her go and fight Yu Xia."
"Her!" Mo Zhun smiled when talking about his senior schoolmate. "I will definitely stop her, otherwise I'm afraid Yu Xia will be beaten black and blue."
“That’s right!”
A farce ended with such a joke. On the way back, sitting in Mo Zhun's car, looking at the brilliant neon lights outside the window, I kept thinking about the question he asked me.
You guys love each other so much, how could it end up like this?
Why?
When did things start to go off track?
I was a little surprised when I got the offer from the Beijing company. At first, I thought that the answer to the last question would definitely mean that I would never have the chance to get in.
When I told Mo Zhun about this, he was a little surprised. I laughed and said, it turns out there are things he can't control. I thought he was omnipotent!
The senior student echoed me, which made Mo Zhun laugh and cry, and he kept shouting, "Whose girlfriend are you?"
After hearing the news, my mother was very calm, but she was a little worried about the baby in my belly. What if no one took care of it after I went to Beijing? Although she kept complaining about it every day, she still started to prepare my luggage. When I didn't notice, I don't know how many times she sighed and shed tears. But in front of me, she has always been that slightly nagging old lady, no different from before.
I thought I would leave quietly, just like the poem says, waving my sleeves and not taking away a cloud.
Until…I saw that.
There were a lot of things to deal with before leaving. I had to go to the company to handle work handover procedures, attend my colleagues' farewell party, pack my luggage, and be busy with various information needed in Beijing. I also had to go for regular prenatal check-ups. There were so many things to do that I was exhausted.
I finally found a chance to say goodbye to Xu Shihan, but no one answered my phone calls. I had no choice but to go to her place to look for her.
Xu Shihan shared a room with someone else. When I went there, a girl in a baggy T-shirt opened the door for me sleepily. We had met twice. She knew I was looking for Xu Shihan, so she pointed to the room and said, "She just left. Go to her room and wait. I'm going to sleep."
"Thanks."
This was the first time I entered her room. Her room was just like her, very clean and tidy. Everything was arranged in an orderly manner, completely different from mine which was a mess.
I sat at the desk, looking through the latest news on my phone. I felt a little confused and couldn't concentrate on anything. I could only look around the room. Finally, my eyes stopped on her computer screen.
It's rude to look at other people's computers, but after I accidentally glanced and saw something familiar, there was no way I could pretend I didn't see anything, the content written on the social software in the laptop.
These contents, like diaries, novels, and essays, record things that have happened around us.
Those familiar names were replaced one by one with letters, and people who didn't know would certainly not know who they referred to.
I moved the mouse back and forth, and my heart grew colder with every entry I read.
"Today I met a boy named Y. He stood in the crowd and looked at the girl he liked and boy N lovingly, with the corners of his mouth slightly upturned, forming a handsome arc. Looking at him like that, I suddenly felt very jealous of the girl. How happy I would be if I could be looked at like that by such a boy. I swear, I must be the person next to boy Y, no matter what it takes."
"I was quite surprised when S girl took the initiative to say hello to me. I thought she wouldn't notice me who was inconspicuous in the corner. If she wasn't the one that Y boy liked, I might like this girl very much. She has something that I don't have. She can always be seen at a glance in the crowd. I know I will never be such a person in my life, but I still want to stand beside Y boy."
"I was nervous and uneasy when I finished this. I used my own way to trick L into framing S. I really couldn't accept being in the same space with S for a long time, listening to her nagging about her love for Y. Every time she said it, I hated her a little more. I knew I had started to become twisted, but I didn't care. As long as I could stay with Y, I didn't care about anything else."
"I didn't expect N to die. I did so many things just to make Y stop liking S, but I didn't expect that it would indirectly harm N. Maybe I shouldn't have thought of using C from the beginning. He is an uncontrollable factor. I have no way of predicting what crazy things he can do."
"S finally left. When she hugged me, I wanted to fire a salute to celebrate, but I still had to pretend to be a sister and bid her farewell. After she left, Y was a little broken, and I wanted to see him like this. The more he was broken, the more my presence could fill the emptiness in his heart. I seemed to have seen Y hugging me and saying he loved me. I was really a little excited!"
"Why? Why is it like this? We are clearly boyfriend and girlfriend, why is he still so distant to me? Working together, eating together, occasionally holding hands, is this what he considers a relationship? Why doesn't he even want to kiss? Can't he forget that woman? It turns out that humans are lustful animals. The more they get, the more they want. I have changed from a woman who simply wanted to stand by his side to a person who wants everything from him. I must make this man belong to me completely, I must!"
"When that woman showed up, I knew there would be a day like this. They stood in front of me holding hands, begging me to forgive them. How ridiculous. Okay, I forgive you. I'll let you be together. I'll make you suffer a thousand times more than I am feeling today! One day, you'll come back to me, for sure!"
"Hahaha, that silly woman really believes that Lan Yu is the third party. She really believes it!"
"Why don't you accept me even though she has left you?"
"Why do you still refuse to let go even though you've seen her and Mo Zhun hanging out together?"
…
The sentences became shorter and shorter, and at the end the letter codes simply became names without any disguise, and the words were filled with her questions to Yu Xia.
These are all things that happened to me. Yu Xia was watching when Sheng Yinuo and I were playing around; I took the initiative to say hello to her and became friends with her; I went to the radio station to partner with her, but someone played a strange voice message when I was in the bathroom, and she blamed everything on Yan Anyan, causing Yu Xia and I to have our first quarrel; she didn't explain the part about Lin Momo and Chen Hao so clearly, but I guess Chen Hao knew where my home was and where I hid when I cried, and why Yu Xia showed up at such a perfect time, all of this was part of Xu Shihan's plan, including Blue Rain and my breakup with Yu Xia...
The only things she might have overlooked were Sheng Yinuo's death and Yu Xia's determination not to reconcile with her.
I couldn't believe that the girl I had known for so many years was such a scheming person. She always smiled at me and she was always by my side to comfort me when I was sad...
Was this all part of the calculation?
Should I say I was too naive or she was too profound? Or maybe both.
"Did you see everything?" Xu Shihan stood behind me at some point.
I turned around and was met with an extremely unfamiliar face. She was leaning against the door, with her arms folded across her chest, looking at me with a sneer that was extremely cold.
"I saw it. I just didn't expect that I would meet such a heartless person." I forced myself to calm down. Now that I knew everything, I couldn't act on impulse and put myself at a disadvantage.
"Wicked heart? Su Bei, are you talking about yourself?" She walked to the bed and sat down, took out a cigarette from her bag and put it to her lips, lit it skillfully, and blew a shapeless circle under her eyes, "Don't look at me with such a sad expression, your pitiful tricks don't work on me."
"You did all this just to get Yu Xia?" I asked.
" What do you think?" She asked with a smile, "I like Yu Xia, and I like him no less than you do. Why should you be the only one who is loved? I will definitely get what I want, and the same goes for people. You have read all the content and you know what I did, right? I instigated Lin Momo to frame you, kept providing information to Chen Hao so that he would pester you, and always pretended not to care and told Sheng Yinuo about your affairs, so that he would always be by your side before Yu Xia. Do you remember your birthday? It was also me who pretended not to care and told Sheng Yinuo about it, asking him to use friendship as a threat to get Yu Xia to withdraw from your sad love triangle. That fool really did it."
"Is all this about you?"
"It's all my fault. My original plan was to make Yu Xia disappointed in you little by little and leave you. I didn't expect Sheng Yinuo to die. Because of his death, Yu Xia blamed all the mistakes on herself, and naturally it was impossible for her to be with you. While I was cheering and jumping for joy, you were leaving again. I couldn't tell you how happy I was. After you left, I tried my best to stay with Yu Xia and let him become my boyfriend. Su Bei, why did you appear in front of me again? If you hadn't appeared, maybe I would have married Yu Xia and lived a happy world of two people. Why did you appear again?" Her voice became sharp, and her eyes wanted to cut me into pieces. "Your appearance disrupted all my plans, and I had to plan again. Yan Anyan is right, you are a selfish person. You can only see your own joys and sorrows, and then immerse yourself in them and ignore everyone around you. I can just make good use of them."
"So, you pretended to let me see Lan Yu and Yu Xia together by accident, and you pretended that you didn't want me to know and showed me that video?" All the truth was in front of me. I felt pain, but I could only be strong. "If I'm not mistaken, that video was just faked by you, right?"
"Fake? Su Bei, don't you know if it's Yu Xia in the video? I can create opportunities for you to see them, but I can't control every word they say to each other." She stood up with a smile and put out the cigarette in the ashtray. "Su Bei, do you hate me very much? I tell you, I hate you even more!"
"Just because you like Yu Xia, you want to hurt so many people?" I couldn't believe it. I stood up and wanted to leave. I didn't want to be in the same space with such a vicious woman.
She stood in front of me, sneering, and refused to move aside.
"Get out of the way!" I pushed her over. I didn't use much force, but she screamed and fell heavily to the ground.
"Su Bei, why do you treat me like this? I admit that I still like Yu Xia. You have already broken up. Why don't you agree to me going back to Yu Xia after the breakup? Why? Aren't we good friends?" She lay on the ground and said tears in her eyes, words that I couldn't understand.
After Yu Xia came in, I realized that all this was performed for Yu Xia.
"Su Bei, what are you doing!" Yu Xia stepped forward to help Xu Shihan up and asked worriedly, "Are you okay? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"
"I'm fine," she said weakly.
"Yu Xia, even if I say it wasn't me, you won't believe it?" I looked at his nervous look and the bomb buried in my heart exploded.
"I saw you push her down with my own eyes, how can I believe it?"
"Oh, I saw it with my own eyes, I know, I wish you happiness."
I grabbed my bag and left, ignoring the fact that Yu Xia and Xu Shihan continued to care for each other. I used to think that seeing is believing, but now I understand that what you see is not necessarily the truth.
What about Yu Xia and Lan Yu? How much of what I saw was real?