It was not until the last moment that I understood what Lin Xiaolun meant by what he said to me. Perhaps people will let go of everything before they die, whether it is love, hatred, or all the resentment. At the moment before death, life is at stake, and then you can seriously say to the world: Goodbye forever.

In March 2014, Guo Lu and I flew to the United States together.
On the plane, what happened in the supermarket and on the plane last August finally appeared in my mind scene by scene, as clear as could be .
Lin Xiaolun, you should give me an explanation. Please don't chase me away this time.
After getting off the plane, Guo Lu first accompanied me to the school to register, then found the dormitory and packed all the luggage.
I spent two hours dressing up carefully, and even my foreign friends in the dormitory praised me for being very beautiful.
With trepidation and anticipation, I rushed to the hospital Aunt Tang mentioned with Guo Lu, who had been waiting for me for half an hour.
I fantasized about meeting Lin Xiaolun again. I would give him an unexpected surprise and I couldn't wait to know what his expression would be when he saw me.
I thought of thousands of scenarios of meeting Lin Xiaolun again, but I never expected that I wouldn't be able to meet him smoothly.
Before taking the bus to the hospital, Ding Chuchu called me and asked me to go out and talk about Lin Xiaolun's condition.
I asked Guo Lu to go to the hospital first and told him not to tell Lin Xiaolun that I was already in Los Angeles, and then we went to the Chinese restaurant that Ding Chuchu mentioned.
Ding Chuchu was sitting by the window. I hesitated for a moment and then slowly walked over.
Ding Chuchu greeted me with a smile: "Lele, come and sit down."
She doesn't look very good. Ding Chuchu, who once told me that nude makeup is suitable for women, now has thick foundation on her face, and the carefully applied makeup covers up her haggard face.
But her eyes can't deceive me.
I sat down and said calmly, "Long time no see."
Ding Chuchu looked at me for a while before saying, "Lele, you have changed."
"You've said this before."
When I sat and chatted with Ding Chuchu again, I felt that everything had changed.
Ding Chuchu shook her head: "You have become better than before, full of vitality and confidence, but for me, all these have been burned to ashes."
"Really?" I smiled. "Thank you. "
Ding Chuchu could tell from my perfunctory response that she would stop talking about the past and asked me directly, "You know everything, right?"
I nodded.
Ding Chuchu asked again tentatively: "Including... the fact that I fell in love with Lin Xiaolun?"
I hesitated for a moment and said, "I was just guessing before, but seeing that you gave up your studies and came to Los Angeles for him, it proves that my guess is right."
Ding Chuchu smiled and said, "Yes."
She looked really tired. In just over half a year , she seemed to have turned from a 20-year-old girl into a 30-year-old woman.
"I'd better tell you everything I know." Ding Chuchu took a sip of tea, her eyes drifted out the window, and her thoughts gradually drifted away.
On the day when my confession of love was unsuccessful and Ding Chuchu blocked the ball for me, Lin Xiaolun took the first step in his plan.
That’s right, Lin Xiaolun deliberately threw the basketball at me so that Ding Chuchu had the opportunity to block it for me.
When I asked Ding Chuchu what her attitude towards Lin Xiaolun was, Ding Chuchu kept staring at the computer screen in a daze because she was reading the message sent by Lin Xiaolun.
When Lin Xiaolun told her that he had a heart disease, I just walked in from the balcony. Ding Chuchu closed the computer, and then she asked me for forgiveness.
Although Ding Chuchu and Lin Xiaolun went to the cinema for their first date, they did not watch a movie.
The other exit of the cinema is connected to the supermarket next to it. Lin Xiaolun took Ding Chuchu out from the other exit and went to the coffee shop together.
There was a cup of Blue Mountain in front of Lin Xiaolun and a cup of Mocha in front of Ding Chuchu.
The two people looked at each other in silence.
Finally, it was Ding Chuchu who broke the silence first: "Lin Xiaolun, do you know that what you did is too childish?"
Lin Xiaolun was stunned for a moment, then he smiled gently, his eyes as warm as the sunshine in March: "I also think I am quite childish."
"Then why do you still do this? Why do you let Guo Lu and I act with you?" Ding Chuchu asked puzzledly.
Lin Xiaolun shook his head and said, "I don't know why. I just thought of doing this and I just thought that I must not let Lele know about this. Lele and I are the same. We have only each other since we were young and have no other friends. Guo Lu is my brother, so I asked him for help, and you are Lele's friend, so..."
"What if I don't agree?" Ding Chuchu frowned, her voice a little bitter, "You know what? I didn't have many friends when I was a child. I grew up reading martial arts novels. People said I was whimsical and unrealistic. Although I haven't known Lele for a long time, she really treats me as a friend. Now asking me to help you do these things is actually hurting Lele, do you understand?"
Lin Xiaolun said anxiously, "I know, I know everything. But Chuchu, please believe me, if this happened to Lele, she would do the same. I have experienced it once, and I understand it in my heart."
"But have you let it go?" Ding Chuchu pressed.
Lin Xiaolun was stunned for a while before he slowly spoke: "I haven't let it go."
He closed his eyes and continued, "But if I hadn't known the situation and thought Lele liked someone else, I would have sincerely blessed her, no matter how painful it was. And Lele has a strong personality. If she knew I was dating another girl, she wouldn't come to ask for the truth. At most, she would make a fuss with me, and then she would let it go after she got tired of making a fuss."
"You are really selfish." Ding Chuchu said with a wry smile, wiped her face with her hand, and found that she was actually crying.
Lin Xiaolun suddenly couldn't breathe. He held on, his fingers tightly grasping the edge of the table, and said through gritted teeth: "It's best to leave a bad impression."
Ding Chuchu noticed Lin Xiaolun's abnormality, and quickly grabbed his hand, asking : "What's wrong? Do you feel uncomfortable?"
Lin Xiaolun's face was pale and he was sweating profusely. With trembling hands, he took out pills from his bag and the pills scattered all over the floor.
Ding Chuchu was startled by this scene, and hurriedly asked the waiter for a glass of warm water. Then she carefully read the instructions on the medicine bottle and fed the medicine to Lin Xiaolun.
After Lin Xiaolun took the medicine, it took him a long time to recover.
Ding Chuchu sat back in her seat and said to Lin Xiaolun, "Okay, I can give it a try with you."
Hearing this answer, Lin Xiaolun's eyes flashed, and then he lowered his head and said: "Thank you, Chuchu."
As she spoke, tears flashed in Ding Chuchu's eyes.
Ding Chuchu continued: "As an actor, I don't know when I started to be so deeply immersed in the play that I couldn't extricate myself."
"Later you really fell in love with Lin Xiaolun." I said with a wry smile.
Ding Chuchu nodded and said, "That's right. Maybe it was because I agreed to help him and you misunderstood me, so he couldn't bear it and treated me especially well, just like a real girlfriend. Holding hands, hugging, comforting, caring... he did everything for me generously. Except for kisses, he was willing to give me everything. Just when I..." Ding Chuchu couldn't help crying as she spoke, "Just when I thought our fake play had become real, I saw his attachment to you. He said that he was afraid that you would find out the flaw if he broke off the relationship with you all of a sudden, so he wanted to come over little by little. He was still so good to you, like a friend, except that he couldn't love you..."
I reached out and wiped away my tears.
Ding Chuchu was a little emotional, she burst into tears and said: "Lele, I don't know what Lin Xiaolun is thinking, do you know? Every time he sees you and Guo Lu together, he always covers his chest with heartache. He is simply pushing himself to death. But it has been so long, you are almost discouraged, but he still can't let you go. Not only can he not let you go, but his feelings for you are getting stronger and stronger. Lele, I hold Lin Xiaolun's hand every day, his hands are always cold, his hot heart is on you, leaving me with only the desolation I begged for... Why do we have to look at each other and miss others like this, and then be sad alone, why do we have to live so painfully... I really don't understand..."
Ding Chuchu became more and more sad as she spoke. She buried her head on the table, her shoulders shaking and she sobbed continuously.
I didn't know what to say, I could only mechanically wipe away the tears that kept flowing.
After an unknown amount of time, Ding Chuchu slowly raised her head, adjusted her emotions, and said, "I'm sorry."
I shook my head.
Ding Chuchu wiped away her tears, looked at me, smiled again, and asked me: "Do you know why I am still acting with Lin Xiaolun until now?"
I still shook my head.
Ding Chuchu took a sip of tea and said with a smile, "For more than half a year, Lin Xiaolun has been living in the hospital. Aunt Tang and I take care of him every day."
"And then?" I hoped Ding Chuchu would pick out the important things to say.
"I gave up my studies for Lin Xiaolun and came to Los Angeles alone, making a living by doing odd jobs. I was able to hold on until now because Lin Xiaolun promised me that if he was lucky enough to find a suitable heart, he would marry me after the operation was successful."
The last few words Ding Chuchu said were like a bolt of lightning, striking straight into my heart. I was startled and held the teacup tightly.
Ding Chuchu saw my reaction and asked, "Le Le, can't you bless us? Although I know Xiao Lun may not have completely let you go, but with this promise, I feel at ease. You know him well and you know he keeps his word."
Although my heart was broken, I still pretended to be unmoved and said calmly: "I won't believe your words unless Lin Xiaolun tells me in person."
"You'll be asking for trouble."
"Really, Chuchu?" I looked up and smiled at her. "It's been so long since we last met. Have you forgotten that I am a person who never hesitates to face challenges? I am not willing to do anything that is not challenging."
Ding Chuchu's expression changed slightly, but she soon showed a confident smile: "Okay, then you give it a try."
I stood up, put the tea money on the table, and said, "It's my treat."
After saying that, I strode out of the restaurant.
How much emotion you have requires how much self-confidence you have to support it. Even if it is just a disguise, it must be done flawlessly and airtight.
I called Guo Lu to pick me up to the hospital, but Guo Lu told me that Lin Xiaolun was not in the hospital.
When I rushed to the hospital, Guo Lu was sitting at the hospital entrance waiting for me.
I asked anxiously, "Why isn't Lin Xiaolun in the hospital?"
Guo Lu stammered, "He went out with Aunt Tang and said that if you stay in the hospital for a moment, he will stay outside for a moment longer. If you don't leave, he won't come back."
"Childish!" I complained.
"He guessed you were here. Even though everything was exposed, he didn't seem nervous at all."
"I know." Even an idiot could see what Lin Xiaolun was thinking. Besides wanting me to give up, he didn't know how to face me.
But who am I, Qin Le? I am an indestructible little cockroach.
So I shouted, "Is Lin Xiaolun sick? Does he think I will give up? He can just dream on! I don't believe it. Los Angeles is just a place where he can hide when he is sick!"
After saying that, I left angrily.
When I was hiding outside and peeking into the hospital lobby, I actually saw the front desk nurse pick up the phone and look around.
Guo Lu asked me what to do next. I pointed to a street park not far from the hospital and said, "Wait."
At 5 o'clock in the evening, Aunt Tang came back from outside pushing Lin Xiaolun.
Lin Xiaolun was sitting in a wheelchair with his head lowered so low that I couldn't see the expression on his face.
I walked over slowly only after Aunt Tang and Lin Xiaolun entered the hospital.
Ding Chuchu also came over with an insulated box in her hand.
However, she goes her way and I go mine, and we have nothing to do with each other.
Lin Xiaolun's ward is on the 5th floor, with windows facing west, so he can see the sunset every day. This was something Ding Chuchu specifically requested from the nurse.
This is what she told me in the hallway.
When she arrived at the door of Lin Xiaolun's ward, Aunt Tang walked out of the ward quietly and closed the door carefully.
"Auntie." Ding Chuchu called softly and went to meet her. Auntie Tang wanted to say something to her, but her eyes fell on me.
Aunt Tang came over quickly and pulled me downstairs to the lobby before letting go of my hand: "Le Le, are you really here?"
I asked in confusion: "Auntie, do you think I'm lying?"
"No." Aunt Tang explained, "Xiao Lun doesn't want to see you now, and I can't take you to him."
I replied calmly, "It doesn't matter. I'm studying here now and I have plenty of time. But why doesn't Xiao Lun want to see me? I've seen through his tricks. How long will he keep pretending?"
Aunt Tang was also in a dilemma, not knowing what to say. She gently pushed me and whispered, "Le Le, you should go back to school first. I'll try to persuade Xiao Lun here. I'll call you when he's willing to see you, okay?"
"Auntie, please don't be perfunctory with me."
Ignoring Aunt Tang's obstruction, I resolutely walked to the elevator.
Aunt Tang couldn't stop me, and she shouted anxiously: "Le Le, just listen to me, don't go up, you will stimulate Xiao Lun, he can't stand the stimulation..."
Aunt Tang spoke in a crying tone, almost begging.
I suddenly burst into tears.
Aunt Tang choked up and said, "Xiao Lun said that he won't give you a future without an ending, and you'd better not have it. Lele, I know you're feeling miserable, but I beg you to understand my feelings as a mother. Xiao Lun has waited so long to receive treatment because of you, so don't provoke him anymore."
I slowly withdrew my hand from the elevator button and walked slowly to the hospital entrance like a puppet whose soul had been taken away.
I left the hospital like a zombie without saying goodbye to Aunt Tang. Aunt Tang called me from behind, but I didn't have the energy to answer.
My soul seemed to be hollowed out, without consciousness, reason, or any feeling.
If he wants me to wait, I can wait. If he wants me to forget, I can also forget.
But why is he so unwilling to see me?
I looked up at the sky, and it seemed that the sky in Los Angeles was no different from that in Tianjin. The clear sky was spotless, just like Lin Xiaolun and I at that time.
Lin Xiaolun said that the vast sky has infinite possibilities. There may be a rainbow or there may be a downpour.
There are so many people in the world, why did you meet me and why remember you?
It's really a headache.