In rainy weather like today, it's best to curl up on the sofa and watch tear-jerking cartoons like "We Still Don't Know the Name of the Flower We Saw That Summer". I remember the last time I cried so hard that I used up a whole roll of tissues.
At this moment, Gu Xi and I were curled up on the large sofa, covered with the same blanket. The tear-jerking movie was still playing on the computer, but I didn't shed a single tear. It was not because the cartoon was not touching, but because Gu Xi was by my side, because I was so happy.
When I thought about this, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Gu Xi looked at me sideways and said, "Silly, you actually laughed at such a heart-wrenching movie."
Then, he held my hand tightly and couldn't help laughing. The sound of the gurgling rain was instantly covered by our laughter.
At this moment, the door of the living room was suddenly pushed open from the outside, and a small angry red figure rushed in with wind and rain. It was Xiaoyu.
She glared at me and Gu Xi, and before we could react, she poured a large cup of cold water on my head. I was soaked, but Xiaoyu ran into the rain crying.
I was shocked by this series of sudden changes. When I turned to look at Gu Xi, he seemed to be also very scared. He stood there in a daze, his face as pale as paper. I thought he was worried about Xiaoyu, so I stood up from the sofa and comforted him: "Don't worry, I will go and find Xiaoyu now."
When I walked into the rain with an umbrella, I heard Gu Xi calling me from behind: "Banxia, ​​Banxia..." with an anxious and flustered tone.
He must have wanted to go with me, but there was no one to help him stand up from the sofa and put into the wheelchair. I didn't want him to go out in a wheelchair on a rainy day, so I just turned around and smiled at him, then rushed into the rain without hesitation.
Later, every time it rained heavily, I couldn't help but wonder, if time could go back to that time , would I still choose to rush into the rain without hesitation to uncover the secret that almost destroyed me? I think, probably not, because even the happiness of being "deceived" is also a kind of happiness.
When I found Xiaoyu in the corner of the garden, her whole body was soaked by the rain. She huddled in the bushes, biting her lips and crying silently. Her tears flowed more violently than the rain.
I have never seen someone cry so hard, I was shocked.
"Xiaoyu, why are you crying?" I walked over and hugged Xiaoyu, but she pushed me to the ground.
She stared at me viciously with her red and swollen eyes: "Ai Banxia, ​​how can you be so happy? Why don't you die? Why didn't you die? Why was it my brother Gu Xi who died instead of you?"
It was as if countless lightning bolts were striking my head and countless thunders were exploding in my ears. My head hurt so much that it felt like it was going to explode. I murmured unconsciously, "What do you mean? Gu Xi? Gu Xi is in the living room. We were just dancing and watching cartoons together. You saw it just now. When you pushed the door open, Gu Xi was still smiling at me... I don't know what you are talking about. I'm going to go back to accompany Gu Xi now..."
I used my hands to support myself and tried to stand up. I don't know why the ground was not too slippery, but I fell into the mud again and couldn't get up. Then, I heard Xiaoyu's almost cruel voice. She said, "Ai Banxia, ​​didn't you just ask me why I was crying? I'm telling you now, I'm crying for my dead brother Gu Xi. I don't think he deserves it. Why did he die for someone, but that person could chat and laugh with others as if nothing had happened after his death?"
I think the fall must have been too severe, so I cried in pain. What did she say? Her dead brother Gu Xi? How funny, Gu Xi was clearly waiting in the hall for me to go back and watch cartoons with him.
"Xiao Yu, such a joke is not funny at all!" I was very angry, stood up, turned around and left.
Xiaoyu sneered behind me: "Ai Banxia, ​​you are also suspicious in your heart, right? Otherwise, why did you leave so soon? In fact, you already know in your heart that the person who watched cartoons with you in the hall is not my brother Gu Xi..."
"You're talking nonsense!" I retorted to Xiaoyu loudly, like a cat whose tail was stepped on and its fur stood up. "There is only one Gu Xi in this world, and that's the Gu Xi who is waiting for me in the hall now. He knows everything about my past in the orphanage, he knows about the mandarin duck vine, he even remembers what flavor of fruit candy I like the most, how could he not be Gu Xi..."
I racked my brains to come up with all kinds of evidence, trying to prove how ridiculous Xiaoyu's remarks were. However, when I thought about the end, my heart started beating out of rhythm with panic.
Would Gu Xi forget what I said? No, he definitely wouldn't forget. He definitely remembered what color clothes I liked, and he definitely remembered the name of my favorite cartoon. Was he really just pretending not to remember these things because he wanted to do this third thing with me again? I suddenly felt a little unsure.
I could feel my hands shaking, and I could hear my voice trembling, but I still stubbornly denied Xiaoyu, but I no longer had the firmness I had just now: "You're talking nonsense... You're talking nonsense... Gu Xi is here, he has always been here, he said he will be with me from now on..."
The doubts, speculations and fears in my heart almost made me collapse. I knew that the only way to make myself feel at ease was to ask Gu Xi for confirmation, and then hear him say in person that he was the Gu Xi who once said that he would always protect me like an angel.
Yes, he must be my Gu Xi, there is nothing to worry about, I just, just need to confirm it again. I just want to prove to Xiaoyu that she is wrong.
I almost ran all the way back to the hall. The moment I stepped into the hall, I couldn't help but shudder. The atmosphere in the hall was so weird that it made people jump with fear. Everyone was there, including the nanny, Xiaoyu's mother, and even Gu Xi's mother who rarely showed up after I came. They all looked at me with nervous and worried eyes, but I only looked at Gu Xi.
I thought this must be just a joke between Xiaoyu and me, and I didn't understand why they all looked at me in such a fuss. I even smiled at Gu Xi, and then I asked slowly, word by word: "Gu Xi, are you Gu Xi?"
I think, within a second, Gu Xi would smile and answer me, silly, of course I am Gu Xi, who else am I?
However, I waited for a long time and did not hear him say anything like that. He just sat in the wheelchair with a pale face, looking at me with such sad eyes. He kept looking at me but did not speak.
"Gu Xi." I walked towards him slowly, squatted down, and gently placed my hand on his empty left trouser leg. I looked straight into his eyes and begged him, "Gu Xi, why don't you answer me? Let's not make such jokes, okay? You are Gu Xi, right?"
He just nodded but said nothing, his eyes quickly avoiding her.
My heart kept sinking, as if it was about to sink into an endless abyss. I could hardly hear my own hoarse voice: "Gu Xi, what color do I like?"
This was such a simple question for Gu Xi, but he never answered it.
During the long and unbearable wait, I seemed to hear the despair in my heart, the sound of "clatter, clatter"...
All the beautiful dreams collapsed into a mess.
"No, no, no, you guys colluded to trick me, right?" I pointed at the person in the wheelchair, mumbling to each of them, and seemed to be comforting and convincing myself, "He is Gu Xi, how could he not be Gu Xi? He even knows that I like to use banana-flavored fruit candy with orange soda, how could he not be Gu Xi? You must have made a mistake."
The silent air was like a thin but sharp knife that easily cut through my last bit of hope. I knew clearly what the expressions of pity and evasion on each of their faces meant.
But, but, if, if the person in front of me is not Gu Xi, then where is my Gu Xi?
I grabbed everyone's hand one by one, the nanny, Gu Xi's mother... I stared into their eyes and asked over and over again: "Tell me, where is Gu Xi, where did you hide him? He is angry with me, so he deliberately hid to scare me, right? Please, tell me where Gu Xi is. I want to find him, I must find him, I want to find him now, I have a lot to say to him, and I have a lot of things to do with him."
However, no matter how I begged, cried, and yelled, they just looked at me with pity and remained silent. I grabbed their collars like a madman and shook each of their bodies with all my strength, as if that would make them tell me that everything was just a nightmare; as if that would make the real Gu Xi appear in front of me in the next second...
I was hoarse and exhausted, and then I saw Xiaoyu pushing the door open angrily.
I rushed over and begged her, "Xiao Yu, tell me, where is Gu Xi now? He is fine now, right? He told me before that he wanted me to accompany him to his new book signing event. He is so trustworthy that he will definitely not break the promise. So, he is fine now, right? Xiao Yu , you must know where he is, right? Can you take me to see him?"
Xiaoyu didn't say anything, but dragged me with great strength, all the way out of the hall. Then she pushed me hard, and I fell into the dazzling sunshine after the rain.
It was not until this moment that I understood the reason for Xiaoyu's hostility towards me. The sunlight hurt my eyes, but I just looked at Xiaoyu without blinking, not wanting to miss any subtle expression on her face.
I said, "Xiaoyu, you and Gu Xi are teasing me, right? Gu Xi must be hiding somewhere in this room right now. You just want to see me crying in anxiety, right? Xiaoyu, call Gu Xi out. I give up. This is not fun at all."
I said, "Gu Xi, please come out. I will never mistake you for someone else again. Please come out."
However, Xiaoyu stared at me as if she wanted to burn me with such hatred.
She said, "Ai Banxia, ​​you are happy now. My brother Gu Xi, my poor brother Gu Xi died three months ago because of you. It was you, you who killed him!"
I shook my head desperately. I didn't understand what she was saying, and I didn't want to understand what she was saying.
However, those voices, those voices that were enough to eat away at my heart and bones, kept ringing in my ears. They clamored and cruelly told me a fact.
Gu Xi...is dead.
But, but, my Gu Xi, my little stone, the little stone I had been looking for for ten years, how could he die? How could it be possible that when I just knew that Gu Xi was the little stone, when I didn't have time to tell him that I liked him, he had already been separated from me forever?
No, God would not be so cruel.
Xiaoyu's tears fell down like that, and each drop seemed to hit my numb and painful heart heavily, and when it fell again, it had turned into bright red.
I clutched my clothes tightly, and only one meaningless word remained in my mouth and heart: "Gu Xi, why, why... didn't you tell me who you are from the beginning?"
"Didn't he try to tell you? Or is it because you always said that you only love Jian Chen?" Xiaoyu stared at me with tears in her eyes, "My brother Gu Xi just loves you too much. What did he do wrong to be hurt so badly by you?"
Because I claimed to be "in love with someone", he never mentioned his love.
I just like Jian Chen, I only like Jian Chen, and I just can’t stop thinking about Jian Chen.
My true feelings are, in the past, present and future, I only like Jian Chen.
…
I recalled almost self-harmingly those cruel sentences I had said in front of him, word by word, about loving only one other person, over and over again, feeling so heartbroken that I could hardly breathe, not for myself, but for Gu Xi.
At that time, when I said that to him, how sad must he have felt? He must have felt a thousand or ten thousand times sadder than I do now, but at that time he just smiled at me and said that he could be anyone's shadow for me.
Damn it. I was determined that the person I was waiting for, looking for, and liking must be the one with the title of "Little Stone". I was determined that Jian Chen was the only little stone that existed like a ray of sunshine in my dark childhood, so I stubbornly thought that I, Ai Banxia, ​​should like Jian Chen as a matter of course, and I, Ai Banxia, ​​could not like anyone other than Jian Chen, so I stubbornly turned a blind eye to Gu Xi's love and dedication, and ignored the many touches he brought to me, just because I determined from the beginning that he was not the person I was looking for.
But, until this moment, when tears silently fell, I realized that what was important was not who was the "little stone" in my memory, but who had been like the little stone that had been infiltrating the sunshine into my dark life, silently warming me. I also finally understood that for a long time, the person who played this role had always been Gu Xi, only Gu Xi.
But he would never know all of this again.
Xiaoyu was right, it was all my fault, I killed Gu Xi. I know that I will never be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life. I cannot forgive myself for hurting him with every word I said; I cannot forgive myself for being obsessed with only loving Jian Chen; I cannot forgive myself for not saying "I like" him until he left; I cannot forgive myself for not recognizing him or feeling his love even though I was so close to him.
But what's the use? What's the use?
Gu Xi, he will never come back.
Once, I thought it was still in time for everything; once, I was so lucky that God was so kind to give me a chance to make up for it; once, I was so sure that we, Gu Xi and I, would have many, many futures. But now, I know that there is no chance anymore, it is too late for everything, I will never have the chance to tell him, "I love you".
I like you, Gu Xi. The girl you have always liked, she also likes you.
You know, Gu Xi, I'm not actually sad for myself because this is all the punishment I deserve. I'm just, I'm just sad that you left with so many regrets, I'm just sad that you didn't know I loved you when you left. I know, if you knew, you would definitely be very happy, would you smile because of this?
Too bad you'll never know.
My tears fell, one drop after another, just like the sadness in my heart, endless.
"Did he...say...anything...at the end?" My voice was intermittent and unable to form a sentence.
"Ai Banxia, ​​I won't tell you. The moment Brother Gu Xi left, I swore that I would never tell you what he said. I want... I want you to feel guilty for the rest of your life... But, I know that Brother Gu Xi will be unhappy in heaven, and I don't want him to be unhappy..." Xiaoyu cried and threw a book heavily on my face.
I picked it up and read it. It was a typed manuscript of Gu Xi's upcoming novel. He wrote on the first page:
"City C, January 2011, the thirteenth city I've been looking for her in, the tenth year since I left her. I raced against time to keep her appointment for ten years, even God was moved with pity. In the noisy streets, I caught a glimpse of her face pressed against the car window. I almost lost all my thinking ability, I couldn't see any people or scenery, I just followed the car, chasing and chasing, and then, I fell into the endless darkness. At the moment I lost consciousness, I was just afraid that she would blame me for being so stupid and missing the opportunity to meet her.
"When I woke up, I was already in Italy. Fortunately, I only lost my left leg. I am still alive and I have a chance to see her again. Everyone in my ward was secretly wiping tears, but I just wanted to laugh. If every gain has a price, then, merciful God, I have already given my left leg. Now, should you return my Pinellia ternata to me?"
…
It turned out that before I met Jian Chen, before all the misunderstandings began, we had a chance to meet, but we missed each other like this; it turned out that he lost his left leg because of me, and the moment he met me in Baisha, he just said nonchalantly, "It was just a car accident."
Gu Xi, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you to be so nice to me.
I held back my tears and read carefully word by word. I wished he would say something to blame me. Even just one sentence would make me feel better. However, there was not a single word.
I couldn't imagine how he could write a story about "the girl he likes likes someone else" with a faint sense of happiness between the lines. I believed that he must have felt very painful when he wrote it like that. However, when I saw how he described his three wishes, I realized that I was wrong.
Regarding his three wishes, he wrote:
"Yes. After God fulfilled my greatest wish in life and let me find her, I greedily added three more wishes.
"The first thing is to go with her to see the mandarin duck vine on a picturesque sunset. If she asks when it first bloomed, tell her that it was on the seventh day of the seventh month of the second year after she left. If she doesn't ask, still tell her that the mandarin duck vine bloomed on the seventh day of the seventh month, because I have owed her this answer for ten years.
"The second thing is to dance with her. Love her and pamper her like a real gentleman, and make her feel like she is the only princess in the world.
"The third thing is to give her her favorite cornflower blue dress, and snuggle up on the sofa with her while we watch her favorite cartoon. No matter whether the cartoon is good or not, I have to say it is good because I watched it with her.
"I hope that one day, someone can do the above three things for her. Someone can hold her hand and dance with her; someone can watch cartoons with her all day and hold her hand tightly when she cries or laughs; someone can point her to the mandarin duck vine and tell her that the answer to the question she asked many years ago is the seventh day of the seventh month.
“Even if that person isn’t me, it doesn’t matter.
"Because these three wishes are all for her, because her happiness is my greatest happiness."
I looked at the lines of words that gradually became blurred, and my heart ached so much that I couldn't breathe.
Gu Xi, I don't want to do these three things with anyone else. If there must be such a person, I only hope that person is you. But why, why can't I do these three simple and ordinary things with you anymore?
In the end, I couldn't even help you realize such a humble wish.
I'm sorry, Gu Xi.
When my eyesight was completely blurred by tears, I closed the book almost frantically, cried hysterically, and could not bear to read any more. I was afraid that he would not forgive me in the very end; I was even more afraid that he would not blame me at all in the very end. I knew that he would definitely not blame me, just because he was Xiao Shitou, he was Gu Xi who "would never ignore me, let alone hate me".
But, dear Gu Xi, you know, that would only make me more miserable, regretful, and hopeless.
Do you know that I now remember every word you said to me. I remember your tolerance, love and doting on me. I remember every promise you made to me. You are a person who values ​​promises so much. But why did you break the most important promise in the end?
You said it. You said, I wanted her to be happy.
But, my dear Gu Xi, how can I be happy when you are gone?