The next day, I woke up very early.
Even when I have classes on weekdays, I don’t wake up so early.
Looking at the sunlight coming in through the window screen, I lost my sleepiness and got up to read. Like a naive high school student, I played the English listening program and read along with it loudly and clearly.
But after reading for less than ten minutes, I became discouraged.
Because I just can't sit still.
After washing my face, brushing my teeth and checking the time, I finally took out my makeup bag from the drawer.
This makeup bag contains all my makeup tools.
I don't wear makeup often, but I need to dress up occasionally for formal occasions. So, under Tang Tang's guidance, I gradually accumulated these treasures.
I took them out one by one, as if they were my treasures, and started to "show off" in front of the mirror.
After applying foundation, light eye makeup, a light lip gloss, and a little blush, the whole makeup was completely completed.
Then, I started to choose clothes for myself. Most of the clothes in my closet were dark in color. After choosing and choosing, I chose a ginger dress and a gray wool coat.
After curling my hair with a curling iron, it was almost eleven o'clock, but Chen Jialing had arranged to pick me up at half past eleven, so I continued to sit at my desk and read absent-mindedly for the remaining half an hour.
Fortunately, the half hour wasn’t that hard to endure.
Chen Jialing was also earlier than the agreed time. He called me and I hurried downstairs with my bag. He was leaning against the car to answer a call, and his eyes lit up when he saw me.
After a few brief words, he hung up the phone, leaned there and smiled gently at me.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked sheepishly.
"You are very beautiful." He said, and smiled even more happily.
I glared at him unhappily and got in the car.
Salem Western Food is nearby, less than 20 minutes' drive away.
Rather than asking me to treat him, it would be more like he took this opportunity to bring me here. He had already booked a table and even selected the dishes. But I have to say that the dishes in this restaurant are really expensive. I was shocked when I accidentally saw the price list.
"Don't worry, I'm a grown man, I won't really need you to treat me." He tapped my head gently.
"Then how can I eat there?" I looked at him puzzledly, "Why do we have to eat in such an expensive place?"
"If you want to eat, just come and eat. Why bother asking so many questions?" He said calmly.
Yes, rich people are arrogant. I don't bother with him.
He saw my expression, shook his head and smiled.
I drank ice water and looked around to relieve my nervousness. But by chance, I saw a familiar figure at this moment, it was Yu Bing.
She had her hair permed into big curls and wore a fur coat that looked elegant and luxurious. For some reason, this outfit made her look more worldly and her original temperament was gone.
Maybe I stared at her for too long, which attracted Chen Jialing to look in Yu Bing's direction, but who would have known that he saw Lu Mingyu who came in later.
But Lu Mingyu didn't see him at the first time, instead his eyes were fixed on me.
The four of us kept paying attention to each other until Yu Bing turned around and we were fully aware of each other's presence.
Just like that, I finally shifted my gaze to Lu Mingyu.
He was wearing an exquisite burgundy suit with his bangs combed up, revealing his smooth forehead. With his aggressive and handsome facial features, he looked energetic.
He was full of energy, looking at me from a distance, his eyes filled with indescribable emotions, which burned me like a heat wave and made me feel uncomfortable.
I came to my senses and quickly looked away.
Fortunately, the food was delivered at this time, easing the awkward atmosphere.
Chen Jialing helped me put the plate away. I looked up at him cautiously, feeling inexplicably upset. He remained calm and silent, and I couldn't figure out his emotions at all.
We all finished the meal with our own thoughts, and the words we wanted to say to each other were not really said.
When I was leaving, Lu Mingyu actually called me.
I suddenly stopped and turned around, and saw Yu Bing holding Lu Mingyu affectionately, her face full of protesting expression.
Lu Mingyu looked at me, and then couldn't help looking at Chen Jialing. Needless to say, the hostile look in his eyes was already vividly expressed.
"Long time no see." Lu Mingyu extended his hand to Chen Jialing.
Chen Jialing gave him a sophisticated smile and shook hands with him.
"Long time no see. I heard that you are getting married. Is this your fiancée?" Chen Jialing looked at Yu Bing seriously.
Yu Bing didn't intend to pay attention to him, after all, I was the one standing next to him.
"Yeah." Lu Mingyu said perfunctorily, and his gaze returned to me. He just looked at me steadily, as if he wanted to say something but couldn't.
I couldn't stand this weird atmosphere any longer, so I took Chen Jialing's arm and said, "He and I have something else to do, so we'll leave first. Lu Mingyu, you must tell me on the wedding day, and I'll go."
He seemed to have never expected me to say this, and he stood there in a daze.
Chen Jialing didn't seem to have expected that I would do this, and his body visibly stiffened for a moment.
I didn't care about their reactions, so I dragged Chen Jialing away. When we got back to the car, Chen Jialing didn't drive immediately. He just rolled down the window quietly and lit a cigarette.
He's controlling his emotions, I know.
But I didn’t know how to communicate with him, so I could only look at him quietly.
After a long while, he smiled and said, "You know, I only smoke when I'm upset."
I just looked at him quietly, as if I had done something wrong. I knew he had a lot to say to me, but it was put on hold because of Lu Mingyu's appearance.
"But coincidentally, every time I feel upset, it's because of you." He laughed at himself and flicked the ash off his cigarette, "So, you're the only one who always sees me smoking."
Looking at the flickering flame on the cigarette butt, my heart felt as if it had rained and was soaked.
A sour taste suddenly rushed up my nose, and I turned my head away gently, trying not to cry. Not just because of what he said, but because I started to feel sad for no reason.
I couldn't help but think of that man again in my mind, wearing a burgundy suit, holding another woman's hand. He had been as handsome as ever for ten years, but he was no longer in my life.
The person in front of me seemed to be me yesterday. He was waiting for me silently behind me, but I was still stubborn and refused to look back.
We suffer the same wounds, but we are unable to heal ourselves.
"Many years ago, I often thought about a question." He fell into a mood of reminiscence and spoke methodically, "I was thinking, I am so outstanding, why didn't that girl pay attention to me, not at all."
Of course I knew who that girl was, and I even felt a little ashamed of saying this.
"Until I saw Lu Mingyu." He flicked the ash off his cigarette. "You know, when I saw the way you looked at him, I knew I had lost."
"Sometimes, winning or losing is a matter of a split second, even if I'm not really inferior to this person. So, I almost gave up. But I still can't help but keep paying attention to you silently."
I just listened quietly, not intending to interrupt. I didn't know what to say, I just wanted to listen to him quietly. Maybe, this is all he wanted to say to me, isn't it?
"Over the years, I have traveled abroad and had some serious relationships. I have dumped people and been dumped, hurt people and been hurt. But these injuries can always be easily healed after I drink a little wine. None of them can compare to what you have brought me."
"Chen Jialing--" My heart was full of apology, as if I could empathize with him because I had experienced the same emotions.
"But this is all my own fault. I should be braver." He suddenly turned his head and looked at me and smiled, his eyes sparkling behind the lenses.
He put out his cigarette: "If I had been able to clearly express my attitude and feelings to you at the beginning, wouldn't we have been in such a mess?"
I just met his gaze, not knowing what to say.
Maybe, maybe not. If I knew that one day I would love that person so much, I would definitely stay away from him.
"Pei Jixing." He suddenly called me, then turned my body to face him.
His action made me inexplicably nervous, and I didn't even dare to look at his handsome face.
"You still haven't responded to what I told you last time. Should we discuss this issue today?" He looked at me with a smile, and the look in his eyes was like a blazing flame that could burn me at any time.
I was speechless and looked at him innocently. If we were in the temple that day, I would definitely agree to his request. But today, when I saw that person, my originally peaceful heart was disturbed again. Can I really agree to his request? Will this be another kind of hurt?
"Is it so difficult to fall in love with me? Am I a monster?" He asked, looking at my troubled expression.
"No." I answered honestly.
"Then why don't you agree. Tell me one thing, two things, and convince me." He took out the airs of a teacher, "A stupid student like you needs a wise man to teach you about life. And I happen to be that wise man." After saying that, he gently tapped my forehead with his index finger.
As if his words had touched my soft spot, I curled my lips and said willingly: "If I say that I haven't completely forgotten him, will you be angry?"
He looked like a listener and shook his head without any change in expression, as if he knew I would say that.
"Then, even if I'm with you and I can't fall in love with you in a short period of time, can you tolerate that?" I looked at him tentatively.
His eyes flickered, but only for a moment, and then he let out a long sigh and nodded.
"Chen Jialing, please don't do this. This will make me feel really sorry for you."
"But if you reject me now, you are also hurting me. Long-term pain may not always hurt me, but short-term pain is too cruel to me now. After all, why did I return to China? I think you know better than anyone else."
I was so amazed by his well-reasoned words that I didn't know how to refute him.
I have always been a person who was suffocated by my family and fate. For so many years, I have had a hard time loving, but I have never been able to do so. I don't know what it feels like to be loved, so I expect others to love me more than others.
At this moment, he is like an oasis in the desert, and I am the traveler who is dying of thirst. I know I should run to his arms without hesitation. But I seem too selfish and shameless.
"You should learn to let yourself go, give yourself a chance, and give others a chance." He whispered in my ear, "This way, both you and I will be better off. Besides, I'm such a good person, what you should worry about is whether I will be favored by other women in the future."
I raised my head again and saw a bright light in his eyes, an irresistible look.
It was this look that made me feel like a kite unfurling, with breeze blowing in my ears. I stared at him in silence for a long time, and finally I smiled helplessly.
"Why did you show up so late?" I said.
"Yeah, I was thinking about this, too. I should at least be held responsible for my cowardice back then. It's terrible. So it seems that I won the negotiation!" He, who always kept his emotions to himself, slapped his thigh with some joy. Then, he reached out his hand and forcefully turned my face to face him.
"But don't worry, I will never let you go now." He spoke word by word, as if he was swearing.
Before she could say anything, Chen Jialing kissed her without hesitation.
This is the second kiss in my short life, a real kiss, a kiss given to me by someone who loves me.
It is unruly and overbearing, soft and warm. It is like a pair of gentle hands, trying its best to heal all the wounds in my heart.
If Lu Mingyu is my calamity, then I am probably also Chen Jialing's calamity.
But those who want to love don’t care about loving or being loved at all, because no matter what, they are trying hard to get love.
God is fair.
At this moment, I finally knew.
That day, Chen Jialing was not in a hurry to send me home, but stayed with me in Starbucks for the whole afternoon.
We didn't get affectionate like other couples. Instead, we held our exercise books with some awkwardness and did serious work for the entire afternoon.
Most of the time, I was doing the homework while he drank coffee and watched me do it. He seemed to enjoy it all, and there was always a faint smile on his usually cold and handsome face.
When I encountered something I didn't understand, I would gently touch his arm, and then he would come over and explain it to me in a very gentle voice.
It was almost dinner time when Chen Meihua called.
Looking at the caller ID, my nerves were tense as if they were stabbed. I didn't want Chen Jialing to know that my mother was such a person, so I chose to mute the phone and go back to see her as soon as possible.
"What's wrong?" Seeing me quickly packing up my books, he put down the coffee in his hand.
"My mother has something to do and asked me to go back urgently." I smiled perfunctorily.
This smile seemed too perfunctory, and as wise as he was, he guessed that something was wrong. But he didn't choose to expose me, but helped me clean up, saying "I'll take you there".
He whispered in my ear, "You still have to listen to your mother-in-law."
"Chen Jialing!" He made my face hot.
But he burst out laughing.
I couldn't get rid of him, so I obediently let him take me home. Before going upstairs, he walked towards me and hugged me tightly.
In his arms, I smelled that familiar, refreshing scent.
"Go back quickly."
I don’t know how long we hugged each other, but he finally let go of my hand and gently smoothed my bangs that were messed up by the wind.
"Okay." I grinned and gave him a big smile, then slowly went upstairs, looking back every few steps.
My heart was beating wildly and restlessly, and I gently covered my chest, like a bear that had just stolen some honey.
It turns out that this is what it feels like to be loved.
When I got home and opened the door, Chen Meihua saw me with a smile on my face. Without thinking, she picked up the cup of water and threw it at me.
But she didn't throw it accurately, and I dodged it in time, so the cup passed by me and broke into pieces on the ground.
I'm not surprised at all, it's just commonplace.
"Which man have you been fooling around with? How shameless of a little girl like you!" She glared at me unhappily, obviously encountering some bad thing.
I squatted down with my head lowered to pick up the broken pieces on the ground, and just after I heard the words "That bastard's mother is here and has sent a wedding invitation", I was caught off guard and cut my hand.
I froze, my eyes fixed on the red post on the shoe cabinet. Ignoring the pain in my hand, I stood up straight and flipped open the wedding invitation. It read "Yu Bing, Lu Mingyu - May you be happily married forever."
For a second, I felt like I was suffocating.
But this second passed quickly, and was followed by a dull pain in my chest. The pain overlapped with the pain in my hand, making my breathing irregular.
Even if I try to start over with someone else calmly, I still need time to accept it the moment I see the wedding invitation.
"Really? Just get married, what does it have to do with me?" Chen Meihua lit a cigarette and smoked it viciously. Her hand involuntarily covered the burned area. "You are such a money-loser. What's the point of chasing ? He just walked away! Scum!"
"Don't think I don't know that when I couldn't find you, you were with him! You went to the police station to bail him out, right? His mother told me about it and even thanked me. What's the use! My face is burned like this, I have his ancestors to thank!" As she said that, she threw the lighter to the ground.
I stood there feeling guilty, took a deep breath, gently put the wedding invitation back to its original place, and said dejectedly: "Mom, I have done all this to myself, I deserve it, and I am sorry for you. Don't worry, I will take care of you for the rest of my life."
What I didn’t expect was that Chen Meihua burst into tears at this moment. She covered her entire face, looking as fragile as a child.
I walked up to her, squatted down in front of her, gently held her hand, and my voice couldn't stop trembling: "Mom, I'm sorry, it's my fault, it's all my fault."
Without thinking, she shook my hand off.
I was pushed by the sudden force and sat on the ground.
"You are just like your father, you are born with a screw loose in your brain. No one likes you anymore, but you stick to it like a dog-skin plaster. Why did I give birth to a child like you? It's such a sin!"
"You have never learned your lesson since you were little. You always follow men around. You are shameless, shameless!"
"I raised you up, but in the end, you are not as important as a man. I am so unlucky to have given birth to you!"
She cried and kept cursing me, as if she was pouring out all the resentment she had towards me over the years since the accident.
I sat on the ground numbly, watching her endless venting, and felt that the night was exceptionally long.
I don't know how long it took, but her crying finally became more normal. I don't know if it was because I looked too desolate, but she actually came over and tried to pull me up. I pushed her hand away, and finally I couldn't stop crying, and my tears flowed down like water from a tap.
"Mom, I'm sorry. It's all my fault."
"I should never have ignored your call back then."
"I know I'm not in a position to ask for your forgiveness, but I hope we can put this behind us and live our lives again."
"I have cut off contact with him a long time ago. I will never love him again. I beg you, please stop scolding me, okay..."
After hearing what I said, Chen Meihua's face, which was originally distorted by crying, suddenly became shocked. Then, she showed an expression of pity that I had not seen in all these years. Then, she said something that I had never thought of.
"Everything is your fault. What did you do wrong? Is it wrong to like someone else? We are just unlucky! Fate doesn't favor us! You said you suffered so much for him. You couldn't even go to school to make money, so you had to work and distribute flyers in the cold winter. Did he ever feel sorry for you? After so many years, even a piece of stone would be warmed up! And he, he turned around and got together with another rich kid!"
"Mom, mom, please stop talking. It's all my fault." I tried desperately to comfort her, but I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop myself from crying. It felt like someone had finally spoken out the grievances I'd suffered for years. The sadness and grief were like a torrential rain that kept falling in my heart.
"It's good that he got married! Let him go away and stop harassing you!" She clumsily picked up the tissue on the table next to me and roughly wiped my tears.
I don't know why, but I suddenly felt that Chen Meihua was somewhat normal. Maybe she felt that I was as pitiful as she was.
As for this kind of sad and heartbroken feeling, I think I will never have it again. Never again. Lu Mingyu, from now on, you and I will part ways, live happily, and no one will bother each other.
I thought of Chen Jialing again, the man who always cared about me and protected me.
Although he looks cold, he is actually so gentle. He is like a fire that never goes out, trying his best to warm me.
Although I don’t know what will happen to us in the future, I know that I will cherish him and cherish him even more.
I will love him like I have never been hurt.
I think I will be happy.