On the weekend, I accompanied Tang Tang to the Guanyin Temple.
She and I both believe in Guanyin, so we would occasionally make an appointment to go to the temple together to burn incense.
Although it was close to winter, there were still many people coming to the temple. They were all equally pious, fearing to disturb the sincere tranquility in the secular world.
Tang Tang prayed specifically for her exam this time. The certificate she was going to take had very high score requirements, so as a top student she was under a lot of pressure this time.
When we came down from the mountain, she suddenly asked me, "What did you pray for for so long?"
I put my hands in my coat pockets and thought for a long time before I whispered, "The future."
"Future? Your future with whose?" She smiled slyly.
"My own future, a wonderful, successful, harmless future." I let out a long sigh and raised my eyebrows. "I hope I can successfully obtain my diploma and have my own career!"
"The Bodhisattva will definitely fulfill your wish." A familiar male voice said behind me.
I turned around in surprise and found Chen Jialing appeared behind me. He was wearing a dark gray woolen coat, his glasses were changed to full-frame ones, and he was holding a woman's bag in his leather-gloved hands.
His sudden appearance was like an unexpected rain, but I was the one who didn't bring an umbrella.
The owner of the bag came up to me at this time, took his arm, looked me over and asked, "Xiao Ling, is this the girl you always mentioned to me?"
The woman was dressed stylishly and elegantly, and I recognized her as Chen Jialing's mother. I suddenly felt a little flustered, and stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
"Mom, go find uncle, I'll be back later." He returned the bag to her with a smile as gentle as the breeze.
"Okay, you guys have a good chat!" His mother was kinder than I thought, and she patted my arm with a smile when she left.
After she left, Tang Tang became more excited.
"Hey, I have something urgent to do, so I'll go downstairs first. Well, can you help me send her back?" Tang Tang raised his eyebrows and said to Chen Jialing.
"Okay, don't worry." He answered with a smile, but his eyes were always wandering on my face.
Before I could stop her, Tang Tang ran away, leaving Chen Jialing and I embarrassed.
"How have you been these past two days?" He took two steps down and walked side by side with me.
"fine."
"What do you think about what I said last time?" He said lightly, as if he was talking about someone else.
I had never thought about meeting him here, let alone responding to this matter. I had lived for more than 20 years and had never been in a relationship, so how could I know how to face him?
After a long silence, I finally said, "Chen Jialing, are you bored lately?"
I swear, I said this very carefully and sincerely, but even so, I think I still irritated him.
"What do you mean by bored? Do you think I have that much time to be bored?" His expression suddenly turned cold, and he looked at me seriously, "So you still don't think I really like you?"
At this moment, I knew that I was in big trouble.
Chen Jialing has always been a person who can control his emotions well, but at this moment, he was actually annoyed looked unhappy.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Just think of it as me being stupid for a moment." I apologized in a panic, really hoping that he would forgive me.
"Don't you often act foolishly? When I asked you to go abroad with me, weren't you also acting foolishly?"
His voice rose a notch, attracting the attention of passers-by coming down the mountain.
I subconsciously reached out and pulled his sleeve, hoping he would calm down.
He took advantage of the situation and grabbed my wrist, looked at me very seriously, and said word by word: "I have liked you since you were seventeen, but you said I was bored?"
These words were like an atomic bomb, blowing my panicked heart into countless pieces. I stared at him blankly, and my eyes suddenly became irresistibly sour.
"Why? I, I have no idea..." I heard myself asking stupidly and in disbelief.
"Of course you don't know! You didn't even have me in your eyes at that time! But I didn't expect that even now... Pei Jixing, you are a fool who is hopelessly in love with someone else but never pays attention to the person looking at you from behind!"
After Chen Jialing finished speaking, he threw away my hand, turned around and left with anger.
I stood stupidly on the steps and watched his back as he left, and suddenly I felt like the stupidest fool in the world.
Why do I always screw up.
Screw up my life.
Screw up my studies.
Even messed up my love.
I was never able to get the love I wanted, and I couldn't let go; now I'm cherished, but I don't know how to accept it. Countless fragments of memories suddenly surged in my mind, weaving into a huge net that locked me tightly. The more I struggled, the tighter they tied me.
Many years ago, Chen Jialing looked at me like this, many times, with that kind of look that was filled with anger at my lack of fighting spirit yet unwilling to ignore me.
All I did was follow Lu Mingyu foolishly and block out everything willfully.
It turns out that he really liked me, since I was seventeen.
It turns out that someone likes someone as ordinary and humble as me.
My eyes suddenly filled with tears.
During this period of time, I have been studying and working hard, filling every minute of my time, just because I want to forget the person who makes me heartbroken and stay away from the news that makes me feel cold.
However, Chen Jialing’s sudden confession just now was like a sudden hurricane, sweeping away the sadness and coldness in my heart.
It turns out that I am also a person who is liked by others.
I always felt that I was a failure, my family was unhappy, my mother not only didn't love me, but also resented me. The boy I liked for so many years finally chose to hold the hand of another girl and walk into marriage.
I have no job, no education...
I have accomplished nothing, a complete failure...
But unexpectedly, someone else said that he had liked me since I was seventeen years old.
A small flower finally bloomed in the sea of ​​bitter tears in my heart.
It is small and fragile, but it shakes its petals happily and calls for the sunshine.
Maybe I can give myself a chance and try it?
With the boy who said he liked me for a long time?
I couldn't bear it any longer and ran down the mountain.
I want to catch up with him. I don’t know what I will say to him. I only know that I have a lot of things in my heart. I want to say them to him, to the boy who said he liked me for a long time, and also to my past self who was lonely and liked someone for a long time.
Sorry, sorry, and thank you...
There are many, many ideas.
However, everything didn't go as smoothly as I thought.
Chen Jialing has long arms and legs, and he walks very fast. But I was wearing those Jimmy Choo high heels, and after running up two flights of stairs, I could no longer see him.
I stood on the flat platform and looked around. The cold wind blew up the yellow leaves around me. My chest felt like it was cut by a knife. There was no bleeding, but it hurt a little.
That night, I took a long bus ride alone before I got home.
As if possessed, I kept holding my phone, checking the screen from time to time to see if there were any new text messages. But in fact, there was nothing but spam messages.
I wanted to call Chen Jialing, but I couldn't muster the courage. I was so anxious that I felt sick the whole night.
I was absent-mindedly reading a book until night fell completely, the sky was full of stars, and the phone finally rang. I didn't even look at who was calling, and directly pressed the answer button.
When that familiar voice came, I was completely stunned.
"Little Star, how have you been lately?" Lu Mingyu's voice was cautious, as if he was afraid of scaring something away.
I stood there holding the phone, my stunned expression reflected in the window.
It was at that moment that everything I thought I would forget came rushing back, the joy that secretly blossomed because of liking him, the bitterness and pain that was squeezed in the bottom of my heart because of liking him...
I thought I was strong enough to let go and forget...
But a phone call and a voice from this person brought out all those memories and fierce emotions that I had deliberately ignored.
Because of Chen Jialing’s matter, the little flower that had just quietly blossomed was suddenly pushed very far away.
It turns out that Lu Mingyu’s influence on me is still so profound.
I thought somewhat sadly.
"Hey, little star, are you there?" he asked, pulling me back from my distraction.
"Yes, yes. What's wrong?" My fingers rubbed my eyebrows unconsciously.
"Oh, nothing, I just haven't contacted you for a long time, and I wonder how you've been doing recently." His tone was full of uneasiness.
Indeed, since that unpleasant incident, we gradually lost contact. As for him, Yu Bing probably kept a close watch on him, so he had no chance to meet me.
I also deleted my social network accounts, and in this big city, there is no chance for us to see each other unless we really want to.
"I'm fine, thank you for your concern." I replied in a deep voice.
"Oh, that's good. I saw you today... again. You were in the temple with a boy..." His tone was cautious and tentative.
"That's the teacher at the adult school I'm attending now..."
I don’t know why, but I subconsciously hid Chen Jialing’s name and didn’t say it.
Maybe he didn't want to have any more entanglements. I remember that when we were in high school, Lu Mingyu didn't like Chen Jialing very much. The two boys, one was willful and arrogant, the other was cold and introverted. They were both favored by heaven, but their relationship was very cold.
"So that's how it is." Lu Mingyu seemed relieved. He was silent for a while on the other end, as if waiting for me to say something.
I usually ask about his health, want to know how he is doing, whether he has a good appetite, and whether he is keeping warm...
But now someone else is worrying about those things for him, so I have kept silent.
After a long time, probably because there was really nothing to say, he hurriedly picked up a topic and said a few words, then said goodbye to me calmly and hung up the phone.
However, even through the phone, I seemed to be able to see his deep loneliness and regret at this moment.
He probably doesn't understand why he and I have become as cold as strangers.
It’s best not to understand.
Everyone around him knew and noticed it, except him. Or maybe he knew, but he just never wanted to reveal it.
Now, none of that means anything.
I want to fulfill his happiness, and I also want to let myself go, let go of myself who is so humble and pitiful.
At least, I don't want to refuse the approach of happiness anymore.
“Ding Ling Ling——”
The phone, which had just been quiet for a while, started ringing again.
I glanced down at the screen, and when I saw the caller ID, my calm heart suddenly skipped a beat.
It’s Chen Jialing.
He called.
I calmed myself down and then made the call.
"Hey - Pei Jixing, if I don't call you, will you ignore me?"
The voice over there was as cold as water.
I remembered the moment he turned and walked away today, so I closed my eyes and mustered up the courage to speak out in one breath: "No! You walked too fast today, I couldn't catch up with you, and when I reached the foot of the mountain, you had already left completely."
"Oh? You're pursuing me?" His voice finally sounded popular.
"Well, I didn't catch up with her." I answered, "I'm sorry about what happened today. I'm really sorry."
"You want to get rid of me with just an sorry?" He chuckled.
"Then...then I'll treat you to a meal." Hearing that voice, I felt my mood lightened up.
"Okay." His voice seemed to be filled with laughter. "Tomorrow at noon, Salem Western Restaurant."
" Ah? It's settled now?" I was stunned.
"Why, you want to deny it?"
"No, no, no, that's it." In order to calm him down, anything would do.
"Okay, I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon."
After saying that, he hung up the phone without waiting for my response.
I listened to the busy tone on the phone stupidly, and couldn't help but smile widely.