I didn't tell anyone.
Recently, I have been having the same dream over and over again. I wake up from it again and again, sweating and in shock.
In my dreams, there were often only a few of us, me, Guan Yue, Dong Mingyang, and Qiao Nuo. The four of us were on an isolated island, hiding from a man whose face we couldn't see. Sometimes the four of us were running around, each of us separated, with fear, until we woke up in shock. Sometimes Guan Yue was thrown into the sea, and I couldn't save her until she woke up crying. Sometimes Qiao Nuo or Dong Mingyang took a knife for me, lying in front of me with blood dripping, or I was thrown into the sea, and the three people on the shore cried and screamed but couldn't save me.
And the last time, I was holding a knife in my hand, with bright red blood on it. I stood on the shore indifferently, watching three people struggling in the water, and the blood dyed the entire sea red.
Then I woke up screaming.
The stars were dim at night, the curtains were swaying gently, I curled up in the quilt, my clothes were soaked with sweat. All my sleepiness was gone, I turned on the bedside lamp, and my heart warmed up little by little. I glanced at my phone, in another six hours, the tough battle would begin.
I was so nervous that I was shaking in my quilt.
Since I was a child, I have believed in fate and the law of cause and effect and reincarnation.
I knew I was stupid, but I couldn't get rid of my stubbornness. After turning over and over, I finally got up, put on my coat, and walked quietly to the living room.
My mother is a Buddhist, and she has been worshipping Guanyin since she moved into this house. She has been strictly observing vegetarianism and chanting Buddhist scriptures for the past few days.
I didn't care whether it was the last minute or not. I took three incense sticks, lit them, then knelt down reverently in front of the Bodhisattva and prayed.
I know this is just psychological comfort.
Fate is written by your own hands, and no one can turn the tide for you.
But doing so helped me calm down to some extent, so that I wouldn't lose my composure when the sun rose. Maybe it was because I prayed to the Buddha that my heart finally calmed down, and I felt sleepy again. I returned to bed in my slippers and fell asleep again.
When I woke up the next day with heavy eyelids, the sun's rays were already bright enough to fill the entire room. Lin Fang urged me to get up and threw the ironed black dress to me.
"Hurry up, or it will be too late." She was wearing a navy blue suit with a white shirt underneath, and her hair, which was usually loose, was tied up into a bun. But in just a few days, she seemed to have matured ten years mentally and finally looked like a mother.
I got up from the bed and put on my clothes step by step. She murmured to herself, as if talking to me or to herself, saying that she must seek justice and don't think that everything will be fine if she just lies there unconscious.
I couldn't help but smile, and unconsciously felt a little bit of fighting spirit.
This hurdle has finally come. Well, after passing it, I won’t have to suffer every day anymore.
After packing everything, I waited for Guan Xia to pick me and my mother up with a solemn mood. That's right, Guan Xia was told by Qiao Nuo and Guan Yue to pay attention to these things. Before getting on the bus, I gave him the letter I had prepared and asked him to pass it to Qiao Nuo for me. He looked at the envelope and said with a smile, "How old are you two? You still write letters back and forth."
I just smiled and didn't tell him that it was a breakup letter.
I asked him why Guan Yue didn't come, and he told me that Guan Yue had gone to see Dong Mingyang off early in the morning. After saying that, he shook his head. I know that in his eyes, he really looked down on me and Dong Mingyang, after all, one of us was a burden to Qiao Nuo, and the other was driving Guan Yue crazy. But he couldn't blame us, after all, we were the ones who were played the most by fate.
As if she saw the anxiety and loneliness in my expression, Guan Xia rarely confronted me. She patted my shoulder and said, "After you get over this hurdle, your life will be bright."
"Don't worry, you're not alone."
I smiled back at him, really grateful for his comfort. I have to say, sometimes a warm word from your old enemy is more effective than the encouragement from those who love you day and night. I breathed a sigh of relief, felt more energetic, tidied my clothes, and got in the car.
At this time, I always thought that this was just a period of all my experiences. After the period, a new chapter can be opened. Whether it is good or bad, we have new hopes and continue to write. But I was too stupid and young after all, and I didn’t know that in the unknown destiny, fate had already written the ending for everyone, just waiting for that moment to come.
The three of us arrived at the court early and waited for the trial to begin.
Ai He was in the hospital, so Ai Qing attended the meeting on his behalf. I was not concerned about Ai Qing who came after me, but was worried about why Dong Mingyang and the others had not come yet.
Yes, the panic came back. I couldn't tell Guan Xia, he didn't trust intuition. He couldn't stand my restless back and forth, so he called Guan Yue, but like me, he couldn't get through. If Dong Mingyang was delayed on the way because of the procedure, it was understandable, but what about Guan Yue?
At such a critical moment, there was no reason for her not to answer the phone.
At this time, the lawyer Guan Xia found suddenly sent a message that Dong Mingyang and his team had an accident on the way here. The car Dong Mingyang was riding in was hit by a drunk driver and speeding, and several people were injured. When he said this, the man's tone became solemn, and he looked at us with a look of condolence and said that Dong Mingyang had a head injury, which was originally fine, but caused a recurrence of the old injury. He fell into a coma on the spot and has been sent to the operating room of the hospital. The situation... is not good.
He said Dong Mingyang had a lot of blood on his head.
He has been sent to the hospital emergency room for half an hour...
The first person to be stunned was Guan Xia. He rushed over and grabbed the lawyer by the collar, asking, "Are these facts true? Are you sure you are right? Where is Guan Yue? How is my sister?"
"Don't worry, Mr. Guan, Miss Guan Yue is fine. She went to the hospital with me."
I stood behind Guan Xia, my legs were already weak, because I didn't eat breakfast, my stomach was empty, my blood sugar was not enough, and my mind was blank. If my mother hadn't been there to support me, I would have fallen down and passed out.
Even though I have experienced a series of blows one after another over the past few days, I thought I had built up a strong body capable of facing all difficulties, but when faced with all these sudden things, I was still vulnerable.
I never expected that such complications would arise.
Recurrence of old injury?
I had no idea about these four words. I had known him for such a long time, but I only knew that he often beat others until they were pissed and dirty, and I had no idea that he had any old injuries.
"Su Jing'an, don't be stunned, go over there first."
Guan Xia dragged me into the car without thinking. I was dazed and felt like I was in a broken and blurry dream. But the hot tears that fell kept reminding me that this was not a dream.
This is a cruel and desperate fact.
Guan Xia drove the car at almost maximum speed, and soon we arrived at the hospital.
Following the instructions, we found the operating room where Dong Mingyang was. Guan Yue was sitting on a bench, with some dark red blood stains on her clothes and hands, which immediately stung my eyes.
How much blood did Dong Mingyang shed...
Guan Yue cried as if she had just been pulled out of the water.
Guan Xia strode over and looked at her from side to side, fearing that she might be hurt. But I knew that even if she had no scratches on her body, the crack in her heart that could not be healed was the only and most fatal injury. I walked slowly to her, trembling all over.
"Guan Yue, Dong Mingyang..."
Guan Yue suddenly looked up and looked at me with a strange and resentful look, then she stretched out her hand and slapped me loudly with great force.
I couldn't bear the force and took a few steps back before I could stand firm.
Everyone was frightened by her action except me.
To her disappointment, I gave her a blank expression in return. I am almost immune to physical pain, but mental pain is the real torture.
Moreover, I don’t know what expression I should put on to face everything I’m going through now.
Sadness? Depression? Despair? Pain? Guilt? No, none of them. All of them are inappropriate. My emotions contain all of them, but they do not completely belong to any of them. They occupy different proportions, intertwined, tormenting my spirit and my body.
When a person is tortured to a certain extent, he will not be able to cry.
It was not until now that I realized that this was not just nonsense.
"Why does he have an old injury?" Guan Yue stood up and asked me, aggressively, "Why didn't you tell me that he had an old injury?"
"He has old injuries. Even if he really goes to that kind of place in the future, he will inevitably be beaten and injured. Now if he gets a little bump, he will have intracranial hemorrhage and need major surgery. What will we do in the future?"
"I don't know. If I knew, I would never let him in. He didn't do anything. He is innocent..."
I told the truth with deep regret.
Yes, at this point, if I continue to hide the truth, I really am not a human being.
"Dong Mingyang is innocent?! So, Su Jingan, you just watch him sacrifice and die for you with a clear conscience! How can you be so shameless!"
If Guan Xia hadn't been holding me by the side, Guan Yue would have pounced on me and continued beating me.
I looked at her who was almost crazy . I couldn't utter a word, let alone a punctuation mark.
I'm not even qualified to apologize.
Dong Mingyang didn't tell me everything, and I didn't even know he had an old injury. But facing her criticism, I had no right to refute.
She was right. If I had known Dong Mingyang's physical condition, I would rather die than let him bear all this.
But what's the point of saying this now? Things that shouldn't have happened have already happened.
If I were Guan Yue, I would hate myself too. Not only does the person I love most in my life not love me, but I also love my best friend and even risk my life for her.
"Guan Yue, calm down!" Guan Xia couldn't stand his sister being like this, so he winked at me and told me to stay away. Guan Yue didn't understand why her brother was protecting , so she got even more upset, even sitting on the ground and crying at the top of her lungs.
She didn't know that every minute and every second she cried, I felt like I was walking on the edge of a knife, it was painful. If you have seen the rich and beautiful flowers in the world, if she withered one day, you would know how much it would be a pity.
This flower of wealth and splendor was ultimately destroyed by me. I watered her despair and made her dim and dull. She hated me, and it was right for her to do so.
But I feel sorry for her. I owe her too much debt and I am afraid I can't pay back any of it.
Yes, the doctor in surgical gown came out of the operating room during this interval.
The lights in the operating room went out, and he said to us with an apologetic look on his face, "Please accept my condolences."
For some reason, I feel these three words are so familiar.
It seemed as if I had heard it in a dream, so that at this moment, I still maintained the same posture and the same numb expression.
The world became quiet again. Everyone seemed to be in a different world from me. Some were crying, some were shaking their heads. They were all devastated, but no one was as cold as a mannequin as I was.
"Jing'an."
"Jing'an."
I vaguely heard someone calling me. His voice was very familiar, so familiar that I wanted to throw away my armor and burst into tears. But I didn't cry. I just held back my tears and walked forward towards the voice. What was waiting for me in front was a closed door with a faint light coming through. I couldn't help but speed up my pace because I knew he was inside.
"Jing'an, Jing'an." The voice still called me.
"I'm here, I'm here." I responded to the voice, tears wet my face without me noticing. I stretched out my hands, I wanted to push open the door, wanted to take a look at his face, wanted to ask him if he really didn't want me anymore and wanted to leave. But if he was going to leave, he should say goodbye to me seriously.
In fact, what I want to tell him most is, can you please not leave, can you please stay with me for a while longer.
I haven't grown up yet, and I haven't fully learned how to face this cold and cruel world.
I haven't had the chance to repay him for the warmth and love he has given me, not even a little bit.
He was still so young, he was still so good, and he had a loving elder waiting for him to come home. I still couldn't open the door after all. No one stopped me, but I didn't have the courage.
I sat on the ground, dazed like a lost idiot, my eyes had lost focus, my vision was blurred by tears, and I couldn't see clearly what was around me.
If possible, I wish this moment was a real dream.
Someone brave enough will give me a loud slap in the face to wake me up.
When I open my eyes again, I will find that I am still fifteen years old. I am wearing a haute couture dress, sitting in a warm and bright studio painting.
It's a sunny day outside and everything is so beautiful.
No one loves me, and no one hates me.
All suffering is a bubble, and all encounters are imagination.
There is no earth-shattering sense of guilt that cannot be erased in this lifetime, nor is there a mark of excruciating pain that cannot be erased for the rest of my life.
Three days later, Guan Yue was admitted to the hospital.
I heard that she fainted due to long-term malnutrition and anxiety, and she was seriously ill. During these three days, I ignored the world and hid at home alone, in a daze.
I bought a lot of snacks and ate them mechanically, then vomited after finishing them. When I felt sleepy, I just found a place to sleep. I was very sleepy, but I couldn't fall asleep at all. Later, I had no choice but to take medicine to help me sleep. Fortunately, I finally fell asleep.
Then, I had a long dream. In the dream, no one left, no one hated me, everyone was fine, and they lived every day of the rest of their lives in an ordinary but vivid way. But this good dream didn't last long. I woke up in pain. I opened my eyes and saw Lin Fang crying like a carrot. She cried and hit me.
I woke up without saying anything, but just numbly looked at the white pills spilled on the ground.
Seeing that I had finally regained consciousness, she began to hug me and cry.
But I didn't feel relieved after this sleep. I was really too tired. It was only less than 20 years, but I felt like I had rushed through my entire life.
It wasn't until she told me that Guan Yue was hospitalized that I felt a little better.
After a quick cleanup, I carried some fruit and came to the hospital. The first person I saw was Guan Xia.
At this time, Guan Xia was smoking at the corner of the corridor. He was very surprised to see me, and he didn't even notice the ash on his hand until he felt the pain.
"Why are you here, you—" He threw away the cigarette, his eyes full of pity, "Why have you lost so much weight."
"Ah, it's okay." I forced a smile, but the worry between his brows deepened. He gently held my shoulders, hesitated for a long time, and then asked, "Are you... okay? Do you want to--"
I knew what he wanted to ask me.
Not to mention him, I was scared by my half-human appearance when I woke up in the morning. Actually, Lin Fang wanted to send me here this morning. She saw that I was in a trance and walking unsteadily, and she was very worried. But I still didn't let her come. I didn't want her to be involved again.
"I'm fine, really. I'll just take a look at Guan Yue and then leave."
"She's awake... and she's not in a good mood." He stammered, and I stopped in my tracks.
"Since she's awake, please help me take these fruits. They're all her favorites." I handed the things to Guan Xia.
Guan Xia nodded and didn't try to persuade me to stay. After all, we all knew that Guan Yue didn't want to see me at all. She hated me and she would never forgive me in her life.
There is probably no hatred in this world that can compare to the hatred she has for me now, even though we used to be so close.
She wouldn't want to see me, and I didn't dare to see her. We were both bleeding and couldn't , so how could we meet?
"I have arranged Dong Mingyang's funeral. It will be held in Nanshan Garden in two days. You will definitely come to see him off."
His voice was very gentle, I had never heard him speak to me in such a gentle tone.
In fact, I should be the one who does this for Dong Mingyang. After all, apart from his grandmother, I am the closest person to him.
But Guan Yue almost roared at me, "Don't touch him, you are not qualified to touch him." And I was kneeling in front of Dong Mingyang at that time, and I really didn't dare to touch him.
I do not deserve.
I'm not even worthy of seeing him off for the last time.
"Okay, I will go to see him off. Even if Guan Yue hits me or scolds me, I will go." I said with a smile, my voice trembling uncontrollably.
I’m sorry, Guan Yue.
I still want to see him off for the last time.
Two days later, Dong Mingyang's funeral was held as scheduled.
At his funeral, there was no rain, but a gentle breeze and a clear sky. I wore a white shirt dress with a black windbreaker on the outside, and a white silk flower pinned on my chest.
Lin Fang came with me, and she bought a big bunch of white flowers for Dong Mingyang. I think if she hadn't been with me, Guan Yue would have abused me or even expelled me from the country.
Not many people came to the funeral.
Because it was Guan Yue who arranged the funeral, only a few close friends of Dong Mingyang were present. I also knew those friends, and even knew them well, but they all ignored me and were indifferent to me, just like Guan Yue.
I'm not surprised, they should be like this.
After the ceremony, when everyone else had left, only the four of us stayed. Dong Mingyang was not a person who liked to be in a crowd, so the four of us coming to see him off was not too noisy.
There is a black and white photo of him on the tombstone. This photo was taken by me as his ID photo when I just learned how to use a SLR camera. Unexpectedly, it later became his posthumous portrait.
It was at this moment that I finally understood what adults often lamented about the impermanence of life.
Guan Yue gently stroked Dong Mingyang's photo, her movements gentle and affectionate.
I often think that I should have added the guilt of breaking up a couple. If these things had not happened, Dong Mingyang would have been moved by Guan Yue. Guan Yue is more affectionate than I thought, so every time I face her, I feel more guilty.
"Don't you have anything to say to him?" Guan Xia asked me softly, and I shook my head.
Dong Mingyang and I have known each other for many years and have said a lot of things to each other. Now there is nothing more to say.
I know that even if I hurt him, he would only wish me the best in his grave. He is always like this, always putting me first.
I also want to be well, but I think I don’t deserve it.
After Guan Yue finished speaking what was on her mind, she finally stood up and walked towards us.
But she didn't look at me or talk to me, as if she had never known me.
She gently held Guan Xia's arm, and the two of them slowly left. But I stayed. Although I didn't say anything, Lin Fang and Dong Mingyang talked a lot, expressing their gratitude and apology to him. Like me, she felt deeply guilty.
However, the sin she felt was not the same as mine. She could still express her guilt, but I probably didn't know where the words came from, and I will carry the guilt for the rest of my life.
I think if I hadn't met Dong Mingyang, I probably wouldn't be alive today.
He showed up at the first disaster in my life and saved me with his love and patience. But in the end, he got nothing in return, but lost his life.
Dong Mingyang, I'm really, really sorry.
If I could go back to that day, I would definitely not make such a stupid decision.
It is right and proper for no one to take the blame for anyone else's sins.
All incorrect decisions and actions will eventually lead to the most tragic consequences.
Later, Lin Fang also left.
I was the only one left in front of Dong Mingyang's tombstone.
I can't leave yet because I have to wait for someone else.
Until the sun gradually became scorching, the figure of that person finally appeared in my sight and slowly walked towards me.
He had lost a lot of weight, which made him look even taller. He was wearing a light blue shirt with wrinkles that had not been smoothed out, and there was a green stubble on his chin. His hands were handcuffed, but he still looked optimistic and calm.
The terrible thing is, even though he looks much more disheveled now, he is still as charming as ever.
I stood in front of the tombstone, smiling and looking at him with tears in my eyes. He looked at me in the same way, until he walked towards me step by step.
Two days ago, Jono took the opportunity to escape his father's control and turned himself in.
Like me, he couldn't face Dong Mingyang's departure. Guilt, anxiety, and grief made him try his best to escape and reveal the truth. This time, I didn't stop him. Because we all have to learn to grow up and learn to pay the price for our sins.
"Time is running out, hurry up." Two men in police uniforms next to him reminded him. Qiao Nuo nodded to show his gratitude.
This boy I love, even in such a situation, is well-educated. But such an excellent boy, because of a sinner like me, has ruined his entire wonderful life.
Thinking of this, I couldn't help but burst into tears. I hurriedly wiped away my tears and grinned, trying hard to smile brightly at him.
He looked at me lovingly and stroked my cheek gently.
"Jing'an, I still feel sorry for you."
"Why should I feel sorry for you, a sinner like me?" I shook my head. "How I wish I had never confessed my feelings to you. How I wish I had never met you——"
"Fate has arranged it this way, and there is nothing you and I can do about it." He said to me in a tone like coaxing a child, turning around and looking at Dong Mingyang solemnly.
"I'm here today to see you off for the last time." He walked forward slowly, as if bidding farewell to an old friend. "From childhood to adulthood, I have never felt that I owe anyone anything, but I feel the most sorry for you. From childhood to adulthood, I have been taught to correct mistakes and take responsibility. I thought I would do very well in this regard, but I didn't expect that in the end it would be so shameful."
"I'm sorry, really. I know it's too late to make any difference, but no matter what, I have to take responsibility for this crime that belongs to me."
"Thank you for appearing in Jing'an's life for so many years and protecting her."
"Thank you for making us what we once were."
I stood behind him and listened to him quietly.
After Qiao Nuo spoke out his true feelings, he heaved a sigh of relief, walked back to me, and gently held my hand: "The matter with him is settled. Next, it's our turn. I received your letter."
"Jing'an, you said you would wait for me. I believed you, I really believed you." He said with a smile, but tears kept welling up in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Qiao Nuo." I shook my head gently, and those burning tears dripped onto the back of my hand. "I don't deserve to wait for anyone. I don't deserve it."
"I have already destroyed him, I cannot destroy you again."
"I can't think about emotional matters, because my mind is filled with guilt. Carrying this kind of life, I don't deserve your love, nor do I deserve happiness. If I am happy, what about Dong Mingyang and Guan Yue?"
"Jing'an——"
"Qiao Nuo, you deserve a better girl. Your family must hate me to death. Even if you regain your freedom in the future, they will not allow me to exist in your world. What will you do then? Are you going to ruin your future for me? No, I don't want you to do anything for me anymore. I can't afford it."
I said these words almost in tears.
After listening to me, he swallowed back the words on his lips and looked at me quietly. The clouds on his brows grew darker and darker, until tears came out.
"So..." His voice trembled uncontrollably.
"So, let's just stop here."
I gently pulled my hand out, as if I had shattered the entire happy life I had once hoped for with my own hands.
"I hope that when you regain your freedom, you can start a new, beautiful and happy life." I raised the corners of my mouth and tried to give him the brightest smile.
He doesn't know how much courage it took me to say these words.
I could obviously wait for him, I could obviously keep him - the happiness I want most in my life. But I know I can't, I can't.
Let me withdraw from these people's world.
Give them back those truly happy and beautiful days.
After saying that, I walked away without looking back. He still stood in the same place, calling my name softly.
"Jing'an——"
"Jing'an——"
Just like when you first saw me, you recited it so beautifully. But I know that I can never turn back. It was not until this moment that I understood Xi Murong's poem "Walking with You".