I've always wanted to walk that beautiful mountain road with you
There is gentle wind, white clouds and you beside me
Listen to my happy and grateful heart
My request is actually very small, just to have a summer like that
Just go through that once
But the days and nights that greet me are all unexpected arrangements
There are so many trivial mistakes that slowly separate us
Let me finally understand tonight
All the sorrows and joys have turned to ashes. I can't choose any path in the world.
go with you

I love you, Jono.
But no matter which road in the world I take, I can no longer walk with you.
I hope you won’t think of me again for the rest of your life.
And Dong Mingyang, the boy who gave me so much warmth and love, I will never forget you for the rest of my life.
The weather in October is getting colder.
The number of customers in the cafe has gradually decreased. I wonder if it’s because the owner is reluctant to turn on the air conditioner.
I wrapped myself in a thick grey sweater, sat in the innermost seat, and ordered two cups of hot cocoa. Not long after, Guan Yue, wearing a new suit, pushed the door open and walked in, and the bell hanging on the door made a crisp sound.
In just a few days, she returned to her original appearance, with red lips, limited edition earrings, and a vigorous walk.
She sat down opposite me, and then I could smell that she had changed her perfume.
The little daisy who used to look a little childish has been replaced by the Berlin girl, and with her heavy-tasting lip color and nail polish, she has a complete aura of a queen.
She is her, and she is no longer herself.
Sometimes the relationships between people are so subtle that even one themselves sighs. We grew up together for so many years and were so familiar with each other, but now when we sit together again, we feel so unfamiliar that we don't even know how to start the conversation.
"Tell me what you want from me." She didn't raise her head or open her eyes, and she didn't even want to look at me.
In fact, I was quite surprised that she came.
It has been almost half a month since Dong Mingyang left.
During the past half month, she took on the responsibility of taking care of my grandmother, and I had no contact with her anymore.
I thought she would ignore me, but I was wrong.
"I came to you this time to say goodbye to you."
I smiled guiltily, and she stopped playing with the car keys, then finally raised her eyelids and looked at me.
"You're leaving?" She asked seemingly casually, but her expression was full of sarcasm. "Yes, you dumped my cousin too, it wouldn't make sense for you not to leave."
I guess Guan Xia told Guan Yue what happened between him and me.
I took a deep breath and said while thinking, "Actually, there's nothing much to say about asking you to come here. You've done everything you should have done, and you've also done things you shouldn't have done. I owe you too much."
As she listened to me, her expression remained cold.
"I know you hate me, but you've been my only friend for so many years. Before I leave, I still want to see you."
"Let's go?" This sentence attracted her attention, and her gaze returned to me.
"What are you doing? Are you leaving because your bipolar disorder has been cured?" She got angry and her voice got louder, attracting the attention of other guests. I know she hasn't forgiven me, but she still cares about me. People are inherently contradictory creatures. Guan Yue has both hatred and care for me.
So, I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm fine. The illness is not as serious as you think. Besides, I've had it before, so I know how to take care of myself. If I stay, I won't know how to take care of myself."
"Guan Yue, I know you hate me very much. I am sorry to Dong Mingyang. I will never be able to repay him in my lifetime. But there are some things I still want to tell you. You are my only friend and best friend in my life. I never thought that I would be separated from you one day. I thought I must see you get married, have children, and become a wealthy wife, but I never thought that things would develop to this point."
"I've never apologized to you in a serious way."
"All the happiness I had hoped for you was destroyed by my own hands."
"I am sorry for you and all of you. I don't know how to live well for the rest of my life. I know this is not a solution, so I have to leave. In the past, you said I was sullen and never said anything heartwarming to you, but now I want to tell you, Guan Yue, thank support and companionship over the years. Even if we can no longer be friends, your place in my heart is still irreplaceable."
"What's the point of you saying this now?" She threw the key ring away, leaned on the table and stared at me, "I just can't forgive you. If you leave, don't expect me to forgive you!"
"Do you know what Qiao Nuo is like now? He is like this because of you, but you just break up. Yes, you were wrong before, but you can get away with it now just by throwing it away?"
"Guan Yue, you don't understand." I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't. "Qiao Nuo and I are destined not to be together. He has lost too much for me, and I can't let him lose more. When he is in front of me, I will always think of the wrong things I did. We love each other, but we can't be together because we are not happy."
These words made Guan Yue silent. She seemed to vent all her anger and took a big sip of the hot cocoa.
"I have already applied for the place I want to go and bought the plane ticket." I gently held her wrist, "Please live a very good life in the future, otherwise I will never have peace for the rest of my life."
"You are so selfish. What does your life have to do with me?" She said harsh words, but her eyes began to turn red, and even eye makeup couldn't hide it.
"Also, can you please not tell Qiao Nuo about what I talked to you about today?"
"Just let him forget me. That's good. Let him forget his shameful past."
After saying that, I lowered my head and remained silent.
I waited for her reply. After a long while, she finally nodded as if she had given in.
"Okay, I promise."
When I came out of the cafe, I took a taxi, went back home and got my luggage.
No one would have thought that I would leave so hastily, not even my mother.
I didn't tell anyone where I was going, and I didn't know if I would stay there forever. But I knew I would leave.
If one day I can forgive myself, maybe I will come back.
But most likely, that day is a long way off.
After stuffing the last few things into the suitcase, I gently placed the letter on my mother's desk. The letter explained why I was leaving and asked her not to miss me. It was also an explanation to her. There was also a passbook in the envelope. The money was the last thing I could leave for her. No matter what, I hope she can live a good life. As a daughter, I feel guilty for not being able to fulfill my filial duty.
When I reached the door , I couldn't help but stop and look back at this house of less than 60 square meters. It carries more than three years of memories of my girlhood, most of which were like nightmares, but the last short period of time really gave me the feeling of an ideal home.
So this time when I leave, I want to say goodbye solemnly.
I am like a dandelion seed, floating in the air without knowing where I came from, and then landing and taking root.
When the spring comes next year, I will leave again.
In my life, I met two boys. One of them gave me love that he carried with his life, and the other taught me what it means to truly love someone.
They opened the skylight in my dark life, so that I was no longer afraid of wandering when I was stumbling.
I hope that when I land again, it will be a good day, the soil will be soft and comfortable, and the spring breeze will be warm and gentle. There will not be so much pain and separation.
Maybe one day, I will be able to smile and say to the sun that the rest of my life will be good days.