I don't remember how I got home. I sat on the sofa blankly and looked at everything around me. This is the wall hanging he liked, that is the ornament he liked, over there is the tablecloth he chose, and over here is the coffee table he decided on...
It took us more than a month to rent this originally simple house and decorate it into a cozy home. Every item was carefully selected by us.
At first I was a little resistant, after all, it was someone else's house, but Yu Xia said, this is our home.
Home, a simple word, gives me infinite warmth and motivation.
But now, I feel that all of this is ironic. I'm not sure whether the things he chose are what he likes or what the woman appreciates.
This was different from meeting them for a meal in a cafe. I clearly heard their conversation, saw every expression on the woman's face, and their final hug... I couldn't remain indifferent, and there was no way I could face it calmly.
I walked all the way, cried all the way, thought all the way, and finally decided to leave this place.
I staggered to pack my luggage, putting the things I was used to into my bag. I really wanted to take away everything that could be taken away, things that held our memories, but unfortunately I didn't have enough time and energy to do all of this.
Finally, I left this home carrying only some simple clothes and toiletries. When I closed the door, I looked at everything in the room reluctantly and burst into tears.
Yu Xia, I really want to believe you and want to hear your explanation. But I am also afraid that you will tell me that your relationship with that woman is ambiguous and goes beyond friendship. Just like you said, we finally got together, but because of this difficulty, my heart is more fragile and sensitive.
It's not that I hadn't thought about how we would part, I just didn't expect it to end this way.
The end. When I think of these two words, my heart feels like it's being pierced by thousands of needles. It hurts so much.
Yu Xia, I still want to hug you from behind when you cook noodles for me, say I love you, and say let’s get married; I still want to nestle beside you and watch those Korean dramas that you laugh at as old-fashioned; I still...
But I also know that I can't do it. I can't face everything that the video tells me. I can't ask you like a shrew what happened. If possible, let our beauty stay here and stay in this home.
"Bang." The door closed gently, and my love for Yu Xia was completely locked inside the door and would never be released.
When I returned home with my bag on my back, my mother took one look at my swollen eyes and the bag in my hand and asked me, "Have you eaten yet?"
I nodded and shook my head.
"You're so old, but you don't even know whether you have eaten or not. It's true that pregnancy makes people stupid for three years." The mother pretended to be calm, but her slightly red eyes betrayed her.
"Mom." I put down my luggage and hugged the woman in front of me whose hair was half white. The hard work over the years has made her age faster than her peers, and her hair has become more white. I have always wanted to hug her like this, just like this, to let her know that I love her.
"Silly girl, why are you crying? Go back to your room and have a rest. I'll call you when the meal is ready."
The less she asked, the sadder I felt: "Aren't you going to ask me why I came back?"
"Do you need to ask why you are going back to your own home?" She took out two tissues and gently wiped away my tears. "No matter what happens, it can't change the fact that you are my daughter and this is your home."
"But……"
"Xiaobei, Mom knows that you are a person with your own ideas. The decision you make may not be the right one, but no matter what it is, Mom supports you." She helped me put the luggage bag on the chair and said, "Okay, go to bed first, I'll call you for dinner later."
When I woke up, it was already dark. I took out my phone and checked it, only to remember that I had turned it off when I left that house, so I couldn't see the time at all. I pinched my forehead which was a little sore from sleeping and walked out of the room. My mother was sitting in front of the TV. When she heard the voice, she looked up and said, "Are you awake?" Her expression was the same as when I left, without any change.
"What time is it now?"
"It's half past eight. You slept for a long time. You must be hungry. I'll heat up the food for you."
“Yeah.” He sat at the dining table and turned on his cell phone. After he got a signal, missed call reminders popped up one by one. They all had the same name - Yu Xia.
WeChat, QQ, text messages, all kinds of messages were sent.
"Su Bei, where are you? Why are you not at home? Why is your phone turned off?"
"Su Bei, are you okay? Call me back if you see the message."
"Don't scare me. Where did you go? Auntie said you didn't go home either. Did something happen to you?"
"Su Bei, if you don't return my call I'm going to call the police."
"Su Bei, don't scare me. Can you please call me back?"
…
Many messages proved that he was worried about me, looking for me, and was afraid...
Among Yu Xia's numerous WeChat messages and calls, there were also calls from several senior schoolmates and Mo Zhun. I guess Yu Xia couldn't find me and found them instead.
In order not to make them worry, I sent each of them a text message saying that I was fine. As soon as I replied, Yu Xia called me.
I was so scared that I threw my phone onto the table, and it continued to vibrate stubbornly on the table, over and over again.
"Answer it. Just say whatever you want to say clearly," said my mother.
"Hello." I picked up the phone and pressed the green answer button. As soon as I uttered a word, the person on the other end fired off a barrage of questions. Every question was expressed in worry and fear, and every sound was faintly filled with tears.
"Yu Xia, I'm fine. I'm fine now. I just want to tell you that we should calm down for a while. Don't meet or call each other during this period. I will contact you naturally after I think everything through."
"I won't allow it!"
"Can you please stop acting like a child? I don't want to argue with you. I just want a few days of quiet time. Please, please give me this chance?" As I said that, I also started crying, choking and sobbing.
"Okay, don't cry, I promise you, don't cry, it's not good for your health." He responded in a panic. The moment I hung up the phone, he was still repeating, I promise you, don't cry.
I couldn't believe that a man like this would betray me, but I couldn't help but believe my own eyes.
After staying at home for three days without contacting Yu Xia, he broke down again and started calling me non-stop and knocking on my door. After being reported again and again by the neighbors, he began to stand downstairs of my house for two hours every day after work, rain or shine.
I always stood in front of the window and looked at him standing below. Anyone who saw his affectionate look would feel distressed, let alone me who loved him deeply. But the knot in my heart could never be truly untied. I didn't dare to face him, afraid that I would hurt him and myself with the most sharp words.
My senior and Mo Zhun both asked me what had happened, but I didn't tell them. There were some things I didn't want my friends to worry about me. Only Xu Shihan, who knew everything, would often comfort me, but such comfort could never make me truly sober up.
Every Tuesday is the day for prenatal check-ups. Yu Xia accompanied me twice before we separated. After we separated, in order to prevent him from finding me, I changed to a hospital that was closer to home and more suitable for me to go alone.
When I came back, I was thinking about what the doctor said. He said that the child is currently developing well, but if the mother is depressed for a long time, it will also affect the child and may also cause miscarriage, so he asked me to pay attention.
Along the way, I was thinking about how to adjust my mood so that the baby could grow better in my belly, but I didn't expect to meet Yu Xia who was already waiting downstairs.
I originally thought that I would avoid him on weekdays, but I didn't expect to meet him like this.
It has been a long time since I stood face to face with him like this. He was wearing a neat suit, which was obviously an expensive suit he wore to work. I roughly guessed that he had skipped work.
"Long time no see." He looked at me, his eyes were bloodshot and his chin was covered with stubble. If it weren't for the suit he was wearing, I might have thought he was an internet addict.
It's a joke that a couple, who haven't broken up yet, said "Long time no see" to each other when they met.
"Well, long time no see." In fact, I can see him from the window every day, and every day I have to suppress the urge to run down and hug him.
"Did you go for the prenatal checkup?"
"No, I went to have an abortion." I don't know why I said such a thing. It was like a revenge for his words "I'm not ready to be a father." Since you are not ready, then don't be one!
"Su Bei, this joke is not funny at all." After he said that, he grinned. I noticed from the beginning that there were bloodstains on his cracked lips.
He must not have been drinking enough water and eating well these days!
"I'm not kidding. Here, this is my medical record." I took out a medical record from my bag and handed it to him. "Isn't this more worthy of your trust than anything I say?"
His fingers trembled slightly as he took the medical record book. When he opened it, a leaflet fell out. He bent down to pick it up. The four bold red characters "Painless Abortion" were particularly eye-catching.
Stimulated by these four words, his face turned even paler, and his fingers trembled even more violently. After he opened the medical record and saw the doctor's scribbled handwriting, he dropped the medical record to the ground. He looked at me, his eyes full of sadness and despair. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me, asking, " Why do this? Why?"
Facing Yu Xia like this, I couldn't harden my heart any more. I swallowed all the words of rejection that I had been preparing in my mind, and couldn't utter a single word.
"Su Bei, I don't know what I did wrong to make you hate me so much that you didn't even want to look at me for such a long time." Pain came from my shoulder, and he held me tighter and tighter. "You left me suddenly without any warning. I began to think that there must be some misunderstanding between us. As long as we talk it out and resolve the misunderstanding, then everything will be fine. So I come to wait for you every day, hoping that you will give me a chance to redeem myself and give me a chance to explain to you. It's the same today. I roughly calculated the time of your prenatal check-up and took a leave of absence to wait for you here. I hope to see you, tell you how much I miss you, tell you how much I love you, and hope that you will give me a chance to explain all the misunderstandings between us, and give me a chance to continue to love you and the child."
Seeing me frowning in pain, he loosened his hand, staggered back two steps, and left two lines of tears: "What did I do wrong to make you so heartless that you don't even want the child?"
"No..." Seeing him in such pain, my heart ached. I wanted to tell him that no, I didn't abort the baby. I had this thought for a moment, so I asked the doctor to write an operation order, so there was a word in the medical record, but I immediately regretted it. I didn't go for the operation. Our child is still growing healthily in my belly. I even want to hold his hand and touch my slightly bulging belly. But his next words made me fall into the abyss. My outstretched hand was frozen there, as if it was frozen, and I could hear the sound of bones breaking.
He said.
"Su Bei, let's break up!"
"Okay." I don't need to think about how we will end, nor do I need to hug him and say let's get married, say I love you, because it's all over. He and I ended on such a sunny and slightly hot afternoon.
He turned around, opened the car door and got in directly, then turned around and drove out straight away, as if he had no regrets and left resolutely.
Watching the car going farther and farther away until I could no longer see it, I squatted on the ground and burst into tears without caring about my image. I lost my boy just like that because of my ridiculous self-esteem and pathetic doubt.
I really wanted to tell him that I had just lied.
I really want to tell him that the baby is still growing alive in my belly.
But, it's all impossible now.
I know Yu Xia too well. The breakup he said was not a minor quarrel like that of ordinary couples, which could be overcome by acting coquettishly and cutely. Instead, it meant that we can never go back.
After the breakup, I was in a daze. People around me sent me messages asking me what happened, but I said nothing.
At the same time, an idea in my mind was expanding rapidly, getting bigger and bigger.
When I sat in front of the woman named Lan Yu, I felt a little inferior.
Lan Yu, 28 years old, returned from overseas and a well-known psychologist in this city.
These titles are not surprising to me. It is not uncommon to see female academic masters these days. What makes me feel uncomfortable is that when I sit in front of her, I feel like a maid standing next to a princess, so inferior.
"Hello, I'm Lan Yu." After entering the room, she greeted me with a smile, extremely elegant, "Can I ask you a few simple questions?"
"Can I ask you a few questions?" I asked back.
She was stunned for a moment, but the smile on her face was not damaged at all by her surprise: "Of course ."
"Dr. Lan is so beautiful, she must have a lot of suitors around her. I wonder if any of these suitors have a girlfriend or a wife?"
"I spend most of my time in the hospital and have no time to deal with emotional matters. As for the suitors you mentioned, maybe there are some, maybe not. I'm not sure because my boyfriend is only working."
"So what you mean is that there is, but you don't care?" Every word I said was full of thorns. I just wanted to know how far this woman could endure.
"I devote most of my time to work. I don't have the energy to check whether those people are married or not. To me, they are no different from passers-by."
"Yeah?"
"certainly."
The more indifferent she was, the angrier I got. I couldn't accept that this woman who had ruined my life could work here so calmly and without being affected at all.
When I thought of this, my tone became even sharper: "Has Dr. Lan never been a mistress?"
"No."
"No or you dare not say it?"
"Ma'am, now is the time for your scheduled psychological consultation. Are you sure you want to waste your money and time on gossip about my personal problems?" she asked with a smile, without a trace of displeasure.
"I would, if I could."
"In that case, you can continue to ask, and I will answer you truthfully."
I felt a little uncomfortable with her frankness and didn't know what to ask next. After thinking for a long time, I stood up and said goodbye to her without asking any more questions.
After leaving the hospital, I briefly sent a text message to Xu Shihan, telling her about the whole process and thanking her for telling me how to meet Lan Yu.
That’s right, Lan Yu is the woman who had dinner with Yu Xia, the woman who made me collapse.