When I got home, I walked in carefully. There was some noise in the kitchen. Qin Fangrui got up. I quickly slipped into the room, luckily she didn't notice me.
Lin Jingxiang, who was applying hand cream, silently looked up at me, her eyes resting on the fruit I was carrying. She gloated and snorted, "You dare to spend so much money, you are so bold."
"Heh..." I threw the fruit on the table in annoyance, leaned against the table, kicked her with my foot, and teased, "Your Chen Jinmo is waiting for you downstairs. He sent the fruit."
"You want to die..." Lin Jingxiang raised her hand to hit my thigh, but when she heard the last sentence, a light flashed in her eyes, and her expression changed faster than the weather. "Really?"
Lin Jingxiang stood up, walked to the window, pulled aside the curtains and looked in secretly, with a shy attitude of a little girl. I looked at her with contempt and bent down to tidy up the quilt that was as messy as a doghouse.
"Lin Jingxiang, next time you get up so late, could you please be so kind as to make the bed?" No one answered. I turned around and saw her hurriedly changing her clothes and wiping her face in front of the mirror.
"All that glitters is not gold." I rolled my eyes. I always dress myself up and go out looking glamorous. Who would have thought that Lin Jingxiang, the beautiful and elegant goddess of academic excellence outside, is actually a slob at home?
It's not that I'm jealous of her and I say bad things about her. When I was cleaning the room, I swept out a few stinky socks from under the bed and threw them into the washing machine, and I found a pile of her dirty clothes, I really felt sorry for the man who would marry Lin Jingxiang in the future.
After washing the clothes and cleaning the dishes in the kitchen, she saw Qin Fangrui coming out of the room. She casually threw the pajamas she had just changed into on the sofa and walked to the entrance to change her shoes: "Remember to wash your pajamas. I'm going to wear them tomorrow."
"I just finished washing, you wash yourself." I looked at her steadily. Qin Fangrui was just trying to find something for me to do. It would be fine if I just worked as a servant for them, but no one was grateful. What was I getting out of it?
"Are you looking at me in disgrace again? I've raised you to this age, what's wrong with you doing some housework? Did you break an arm or a leg?" Qin Fangrui was very unhappy and kept pointing fingers at me.
"If you have the guts, ask Lin Jingxiang to wash you." I forced a sneer at her.
"Xiangxiang needs to study, she can't do these things." Qin Fangrui emphasized.
"I want to study too! I'm not your babysitter!" I yelled fiercely.
In her heart, it was as if I was not her biological child, and I should work hard. Lin Jingxiang needed to study, Lin Jingxiang needed to buy a new cell phone, Lin Jingxiang needed to buy new clothes... All the reasons were Lin Jingxiang's, and I was always the one who was ignored.
"With your terrible grades, it's a waste of money to continue studying. I'm counting on you." Qin Fangrui didn't realize how hurtful her words were. She changed her shoes and went out, slamming the door so loud that it shook the earth.
I looked at her as she walked out with a wronged look on my face, tears dropping down my cheeks. I stood there motionless for a few minutes, then wiped away my tears vigorously, blaming myself for being useless and being so easily angered by Qin Fangrui.
Lin Jingyuan, why are you crying? This is your mother and sister, you should be used to it.
After taking the cold medicine, I called Lin Dongming, but the call was always busy. I didn’t know if he was angry with his family or if something happened, and I didn’t bother to care.
During the two-day holiday, I didn't go out and stayed at home to recuperate.
When I went to school on Monday, I finally felt a little more energetic. While collecting homework during break, a boy who looked familiar came to my desk.
"Hi, don't you recognize me?" He held a pile of exercise books and gave a polite smile.
The national flag is going to be raised today and all students must wear school uniforms and school badges. There are no such strict requirements on clothing at other times. After he asked this question, my eyes moved from his face to the school badge on his chest, on which were three words written - Shen Xingmo.
If I pay more attention, I will find that this name is not unfamiliar. He is the monitor of Class 3 and the vice president of the Student Union. The nice name and the warm and handsome face destined him to be an extraordinary person.
It's a pity that I never paid attention to these things. I didn't make many friends and I only knew a handful of people. Chen Jinmo went to the school next door and Lin Jingxiang was in the science class. They spent little time together and would never bring me along when they rarely got together. As a result, I basically kept to myself and was almost isolated from the world.
"I know him now." I pointed at his name and said calmly, "Shen Xingmo."
"Are you so unhappy when you pronounce my name?" He suddenly laughed.
"I—" I looked at his eyes as dark as the starry sky, wanting to say something, but I couldn't. After a long while, I came up with a more reasonable explanation, "No , it's just that I don't smile often."
Apart from quarreling with Qin Fangrui at home and showing my emotions towards Lin Jingxiang and Chen Jinmo, I consider myself to be very well behaved outside, especially towards strangers. I try not to provoke them if possible and I don't get emotional.
"How have you completed the homework assigned for the holiday?" God, he was nagging in my ear like a teacher. As the monitor and class representative, do I have to be so responsible?
"I tried my best to finish it. I don't know if it's right or wrong." I answered honestly, praying that he would take my homework and leave quickly. I wanted to talk to him for a few more words , but there were already girls nearby who were chattering and looking at us.
" Let me help you take a look." He sat down next to me. My deskmate had not come back yet, so he put down the thick notebook in his hand, sat in her seat, cleared a space on the desk, took my neatly stacked homework, and carefully flipped through them one by one.
"Don't bother." I was anxious and frowned as I tried to snatch the notebook from his hand. He suddenly leaned to the right to avoid me. I missed and fell towards him due to inertia.
Seeing that I was about to fall, he quickly hugged me. The physical contact made me shudder and I reflexively pushed away his arm.
"Be careful." He whispered with a somewhat grim expression.
"Give it back to me." I persisted.
"You win."
"I have to pay it back even if I serve you."
I looked into his eyes and turned my head away guiltily. He put my things back where they belonged, took only the one I was going to hand in, and stood up to go to the office.
"I mean no harm." He really had no idea what to do with me.
"...Yeah." I nodded. He looked at me with a wry smile, then turned and left.
I was helpless about my personality and afraid of being hurt, so I chose to stay away.
Thinking back to my childhood in kindergarten, I was not like this at that time. I was as cheerful and lively as Lin Jingxiang, and I didn’t feel that I was any different from others. Until one day a little boy pointed at my ear and cried and shouted, "Teacher, I'm scared." I ran into the bathroom in panic, stepped on the stool to look at my ears, and then I discovered the difference between me and them - the skin and flesh of my left ear were stuck together, and from a distance, it looked like a small butterfly with broken wings.
Later, when I went to school, some classmates would stare at my ears and whisper about me. I still remember those looks and harsh laughter. They were not out of kindness.
From that time on, I started to grow my hair long and have bangs, using the long hair and bangs to cover up my inferiority and protect my self-esteem.
Most of the time, I can comfort myself about my physical defects, but this world is never so kind. When I am powerless to resist, I can only stay away from it.
I have no choice but to escape.
After lunch, I walked out of the cafeteria and saw that the leaves of the plants had turned yellow and were falling in the autumn wind. For some reason, their falling touched my heart from time to time. Seeing the scattered and withered leaves in front of me, a chill pierced my heart, filling me with pity and pity.
The pace of the seasons has become so hurried that all the former splendor has fallen in this season, leaving no trace, but only reluctance and attachment.
Many years later, I think I will be like these plants, growing quietly, and then withering and dying.
After walking for a while, I saw a group of people gathered in front of the bulletin board from afar, making a lot of noise. After they dispersed like the tide, I couldn't resist my curiosity and walked over to see what was written on it.
There is a promotional poster on it. The poster is very beautifully made and the content is quite attractive. It is the Yuhua Stone Art Exhibition of the Municipal Museum. Of course, the dry stones are not very good, but the teacher who organized this exhibition is a famous painter in the city. I heard that he painted all the paintings on Yuhua Stone this time, which is quite a gimmick.
I stood there stupidly, leaning close to the poster, squinting to look at the picture on it, and a smile unconsciously appeared at the corner of my mouth.
"Hey, are you interested in this?" I turned around and saw Shen Xingmo looking at me. He took out two tickets from his trouser pocket, his eyes full of sincerity, "These are given by the student union. I want to show them to you."
I was stunned. The campus is so big and there is a line of girls who admire him, but he always likes to come to me. Isn't this very strange?
"Don't reject me, okay?" he seemed to beg.
"Why?" I said softly, not sure whether I was asking myself or him.
From childhood to adulthood, I was like a moss plant, growing in a dark and humid environment, so that when the sunlight shines on my body, the first thing I feel is not warmth, but fear.
I was afraid that he, who was so dazzling, would burn me.
"Because... I did something wrong." His voice became very soft, his eyes were filled with clear water, and his gaze fell on the side of my hair and became erratic. "She was so cute at that time, but her left ear was kissed by an angel, leaving a mark different from ours. I don't know why I was scared and reported it to the teacher, and let other people talk about her and hurt her."
"Now that I have the chance to get to know her again, I wonder if she will forgive me?" He looked at me seriously, and my heart suddenly became nervous.
He seemed to be saying the same thing I was thinking.
Was that little boy him? How could he recognize me after so many years? He stood in front of me, his tall stature blocking out much of the sunlight , his fiery gaze making me panic.
It's been so long since this happened, I can't say whether I forgive him or not. At that time, we were young and ignorant, so who would really blame him? It's just that different experiences have changed my personality and the trajectory of my life.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I played dumb, betting that after so long he would have recognized the wrong person.
"You can't be wrong . There is a small teardrop mole in the corner of your eye. I remember you, even though you have forgotten me." He spoke the last sentence softly, with a hint of loss.
"I forgive you, is that ok?"
Even if he remembers me, I am just one of many passers-by. Now he begs for my forgiveness just to make him feel better. In this case, there is nothing wrong with saying a few polite words to avoid future involvement.
"You agreed to go to the exhibition with me?" He was really good at changing the subject. I just said I forgave him, but I didn't agree to go to the museum with him. His self-righteousness disgusted me.
"No, these are two different things." I tried to make it clear to him, but he accepted my answer, stuffed a ticket into my arms, and walked a few meters away before I could refuse.
He took a few steps up the stairs, and I looked at him. He was smiling at me.
"See you next Saturday."
After he finished speaking, his figure disappeared under the osmanthus tree and gradually left my sight.
I thought to myself, I’ll find a chance to return it to him in the afternoon.
I still underestimated Shen Xingmo.
After classes in the afternoon, the last one was physical education. Most people in the classroom went to the playground. I held the hot ticket in my hand and waited until almost everyone had left before walking to Shen Xingmo's seat.
"Why don't you make an appointment with someone else? I have something to do next Saturday." It's such a poor excuse that I don't even believe it myself.
"I have something to do. It's okay. There are three exhibitions this time anyway. We can go at other times." He said seriously.
"Shen Xingmo." My eyes widened and I gritted my teeth.
"Oh, little puffer fish." He stood up with a smile and didn't intend to respond to my request.
“…What? Pufferfish?” I was confused.
"This is what you look like when a pufferfish gets angry."
He puffed up his cheeks, stared at me like me, then turned the book in his hand, threw it on the table, and walked out the door in a cool manner. My face turned red all of a sudden, and I swallowed my saliva, feeling so embarrassed.
I wanted to put the ticket between his books and imagined how he would come to find me tomorrow in a rage. I shrank my neck and accepted it resignedly. At worst, I could just go with him.
Halfway through the physical education class, the teacher announced free time. The boys in the class ran to the playground in groups of three or five, holding a basketball. I bought a bottle of drink, sat on the steps under a row of camphor trees, and watched them.
Shen Xingmo is a bookish boy, handsome and elegant. It was the first time I discovered that he had a kind of flamboyant good-looking appearance on the court, just like a teacher playing rock music on the stage. His usual gentleness and elegance disappeared, replaced by a roar of power. I looked at him running and suddenly thought of Chen Jinmo. Chen Jinmo was also flamboyant, but his arrogance was everywhere. His handsomeness was mixed with a bad-tempered temperament, which attracted the attention of many girls.
The two of them, one is warm, the other is fiery, I laugh at myself for comparing them. In their world, no matter what role I play, there will never be a special story.
Even if a sad person is just trying to live a strong life, he has already tried his best. What else can he hope for? I often think that people like me will never be able to talk about happiness in this life.
How ridiculous! I was only seventeen, but I had already imagined my entire life in darkness.
The school bell was about to ring, and the people playing on the court gradually dispersed. I clapped my hands and stood up, feeling a little disappointed. The dead leaves under my feet made a creaking sound when I stepped on them. The autumn atmosphere was getting stronger, and the strong wind made me feel cold all over.
"Lin Jingyuan!"
I turned around and saw Shen Xingmo holding a basketball with her sleeves rolled up, walking up the slope at a casual pace, surrounded by a group of boys. Although the temperature was not high, their foreheads were covered with sweat. At this moment, because Shen Xingmo greeted me, the boys' interested eyes were all focused on me.
I stared at them blankly through the guardrail and forced an awkward smile.
"It's boring, right?" He threw the ball to a boy next to him, grabbed the railing with one hand, jumped onto the stairs, and stepped in front of me.
The looks from the group of people behind him made me feel very uncomfortable, and some people even whistled to stir up the atmosphere.
"Shen Xingmo, girlfriend?"
"Lu Zi, you are talking nonsense. Shen Xingmo, we want to eat wedding candy!"
"Eat wedding candy! Eat wedding candy!"
…
The boys started to make a noise, and I blushed like a big tomato. I always blush when I encounter something small, and I don't know what to do. I stared at Shen Xingmo blankly, and he used his eyes to tell me not to worry.
"Lu Zi, Wei Hai, you two haven't lost enough today, have you? You're the ones leading the trouble." Shen Xingmo kept a faint smile and turned to scold them, "I'll treat you to the cafeteria tomorrow, so eat as much as you want."
"Haha! Our handsome guy is shy. Forget it, let's stop making trouble and go play games together."
"Still open? Didn't your mom beat you to death when you came back so late yesterday?"
"You're kidding. As long as the player is in the tower, my mom is nothing compared to my teammates."
"Lu Zi, don't trust him. He is the worst."
…
The boys let us go, talking and walking away. I looked at Shen Xingmo strangely, I didn't quite understand what they were saying.
"They are talking about games." Shen Xingmo seemed to know my confusion and answered me directly.
"Oh." Boys' hobbies are always different from girls'. At this age, boys are keen on games and showing off. Ninety percent of the people criticized on the radio are those who climb over the wall to surf the Internet, smoke, fight and make trouble.
"Don't stand there like an idiot. Let's go home." Shen Xingmo tugged at my sleeve. I stared at his hand and he immediately retracted it, as if he was afraid of making me unhappy.
I walked behind him like a little follower. Shen Xingmo was about the same height as Chen Jinmo, but he was thinner and looked like he could be blown away by a gust of wind.
"Hey, you live in Tonghua Community, right?" He looked back as he walked.
"Hmm." I glanced at him and realized something was wrong. "How did you know?"
"I live not far from you. Take bus 907 and get off two stops after you." He said it casually, and my heart sank. He knew my route home so well. I didn't know whether it was a blessing or a curse.
"Don't think too much. I met you on the bus. I saw you get off the bus at the north intersection of the station. That's the Tonghua Community. I have a friend who lives there, so I'm quite familiar with it." He must be the worm in my stomach. I'm not good at hiding my emotions. My joy, anger, sorrow and happiness are all shown on my face. He must have seen why I was silent.
When I returned to the classroom and packed my schoolbag and was about to put it on my back, Shen Xingmo naturally took it and put it on her left shoulder.
"You're welcome." He smiled.
"Thank you." I lowered my head in panic and followed him out.
"You won't stand me up at the exhibition, will you?" he asked as he walked down the stairs, the straps of his backpack swinging on his back as he moved.
"I won't." I won't regret it since I promised him. Although I'm introverted and feel uncomfortable going with him, I'm very interested in this exhibition. Besides, he gave me the ticket, so there's nothing I can't figure out.
"Hey, you're so depressed all day long, so uncomfortable, you need to be more cheerful." He talked to himself like an old man. I looked up at the back of his head in a daze, feeling proud. If he knew how badly I treated Qin Fangrui at home, he would be surprised.
It seems that people are indeed changeable and multifaceted animals, and I am no exception.
We left the campus, waited for the bus at the bus stop, and took the bus back.
As soon as we got in the car, Shen Xingmo started talking to me non-stop as if he was wound up. The wind outside the car window made his bangs fly. His eyes curved into crescents, and his two small canine teeth occasionally showed when I put on a polite smile and answered him incoherently.
When we were almost at the North Station Road, I reached out to him and asked for his schoolbag: "I'm getting off the bus."
Unexpectedly, he stood up and walked to the back door. I looked at him in confusion, and he raised his eyebrows and smiled at me: "I'll take you there."
Maybe it’s because of the season, there’s a thick layer of fallen leaves in the community. This is originally an old town, and now it looks even more desolate.
Shen Xingmo and I were walking on the road in silence when a man suddenly came towards us. When I saw him, I screamed in panic and quickly went to get my schoolbag: "Shen Xingmo, you can go back and take it here."
It was Chen Jinmo. He came out from the direction of my house and might have just sent Lin Jingxiang home.
I suddenly didn't want him to see another boy sending me back.
When Chen Jinmo saw me, surprise flashed in his eyes. Then he saw Shen Xingmo, and his eyes suddenly became complicated. While Shen Xingmo was still surprised by my reaction, Chen Jinmo had already quickened his pace.
"Hey, who are you?" Chen Jinmo showed an unfriendly expression, and his questioning tone was like a knife.
"He is my classmate." I answered first, with my hand still on Shen Xingmo's shoulder. I pulled him, but he refused to give me the schoolbag. When Chen Jinmo saw my hand, I took it back immediately as if I was on fire.
"Jing Yuanyuan, chasing you?" Chen Jinmo smiled maliciously.
"No, no." I was like a cat whose tail was stepped on. I almost jumped up to refute. I hate it most when others misunderstand me, especially when that person is Chen Jinmo.
Chen Jinmo walked up and hugged me. I looked at him with wide eyes, but he looked at Shen Xingmo provocatively and said coldly, "Boy, I want to remind you that my Jing Yuanyuan is not someone that anyone can chase. Look in the mirror before you come."
I wanted to struggle, but Chen Jinmo held me tighter. He glanced at me impatiently, and I was so scared that I didn't dare to breathe. I felt that he seemed angry.
"Lin Jingyuan, he is you..."
"I'm her brother."
Chen Jinmo interrupted Shen Xingmo and scratched his hair in annoyance. He acted nonchalant on purpose, like a little gangster. I held back my laughter, wondering how Shen Xingmo had provoke him.
"I'm asking her." Shen Xingmo's tone also became stronger.
"Shen Xingmo, this is Chen Jinmo. He has lived in our community for seven or eight years. If he is not my brother, he is half a brother." I slightly broke free from Chen Jinmo's control. While Shen Xingmo was in a daze, I took back my schoolbag, turned around and introduced Chen Jinmo, "Chen Jinmo, this is Shen Xingmo, the monitor of our class. He is kind and enthusiastic . He sent me back today."
I explained to them with good intentions, but it did not dispel their hostility towards each other. This was the first time this happened, and I felt at a loss.
"Your class monitor is so kind and enthusiastic." Chen Jinmo had a stern face and his voice was as cold as ice. He said this, turned around and left without even looking at him.
There is obviously no contradiction, but this makes me feel uneasy.
"Don't be like this, it's none of your business." Shen Xingmo saw how dejected I was and comforted me. After Chen Jinmo left, he heaved a long sigh of relief and said, "I was so scared, I thought he was really your brother."
"No, I only have one sister." I explained in a low voice.
"Lin Jingxiang from Class 1, right? I know you two are twins." Shen Xingmo looked at me with concern and smiled at me. "She 's a famous beauty in the science class. All the boys know her."
I felt a little lost. Yes, Lin Jingxiang was like a dazzling diamond, attracting everyone's attention. Her name had always been in the top ten on the red list. Who didn't know her?
"You live under her shadow, and the pressure must be very great." Shen Xingmo sighed softly.
I looked at him unexpectedly, his eyes were smiling. This sentence was not asked to me, but an exclamation. My dazed face was reflected in his pupils as dark as obsidian. I was speechless for a moment and nodded as if possessed by a ghost.
I am indeed Lin Jingxiang's shadow, or perhaps even worse than her shadow. She takes it for granted that she enjoys the praise of her teachers, the support of her classmates, and the love of her parents in the sun, while I have nothing but envy.
I envy Lin Jingxiang, but I have never told anyone about it.
This kind of envy that cannot be shown to others makes people angry.
"Don't stand there like an idiot and get cold. Go up quickly. I'm leaving." When I was lost in thought, Shen Xingmo said goodbye to me in a sincere tone, which made my heart palpitate a little.
I stood there, staring blankly at the receding figure, unable to stop being distracted.