Lin Dongming hasn't been home for a long time.
However, on the third day, when I opened the door, I smelled an unusual smell of gunpowder. The living room was in a mess, as if it had been bombarded by a cannon. The TV was smashed to pieces, and the smoke in the room was so bad that I couldn't open my eyes.
Beside the sofa, there were several pieces of glass broken on a pair of black leather shoes. Lin Dongming sat on the sofa, head down and silent, like a mushroom defeated by frost.
Qin Fangrui sat opposite him, her face, which was powdered, was as pale as a ghost, with two lines of tears streaming down it. She bulged her eyes as big as copper bells, and with trembling hands she held a few thin pieces of paper, staring at Lin Dongming who dared not say a word.
"Fang Rui, it's settled. Jingxiang will follow me from now on, and you live a good life with Jingyuan." Lin Dongming finally raised his head and spoke. He was not surprised to see me. He looked at me deeply, seeming a little guilty.
Only now did I understand what had happened. I forced myself not to cry, but my tears rolled down like pearls from a broken string.
"Fang Rui, I know you blame me. We have been at odds for a long time. We have been tied together for the sake of our two children for so many years. You've had enough, and so have I." Lin Dongming has never said so many words in his memory. He is like a pool full of water. The moment the floodgates are opened, all the long-accumulated resentment pours out. "Up to now, I have no intention of hiding it from you. Yes, as you think, I am with Yan Li. We are first love and old classmates for many years. You knew all these things when we were in college. She came to me after her divorce the year before last. She wanted to be with me, but I rejected her harshly for the sake of this family."
In this weird atmosphere, my nose gradually felt sour and my vision became more and more blurred. Qin Fangrui raised his head proudly, like a proud peacock, waiting for him to pour out all his grievances.
"I wanted to just make do with it like this, for Jingxiang and Jingyuan." Lin Dongming's eyes were red, and he whimpered like a wild animal in his throat, accusing uncomfortably, "But you, Fangrui, you despise me. You've despised me since we started dating. You despise me because I have no money and no future. You despise me like you despise a beggar on the street. For so many years, I let you beat and scold me in front of you. Even if you had a dog, you would feel bad for me."
He smiled bitterly.
"Since you have always looked down on me, why did you want to be with me? Why did you come to me when you were dumped by your rich boyfriend? Why did you marry me? You are humiliating yourself, Fangrui. I am a man and I have self-respect." Lin Dongming's cloudy eyes were filled with mist and his face was covered with a layer of dead despair, which was the powerlessness over the broken marriage and the disappointment with Qin Fangrui.
I felt depressed and it was difficult to breathe. Objectively speaking, I felt sorry for Lin Dongming, but this sympathy was not enough for me to forgive him. I felt deeply that I was about to become a child from a single-parent family, and I might have to live a painful life with Qin Fangrui in the future.
This feeling almost makes me despair.
"Go away! I don't want to live with you anymore!" Qin Fangrui stood up and threw the papers fiercely on Lin Dongming's face. Her expression was distorted and she roared loudly, "You took the divorce agreement and went to live a carefree life with that vixen of yours. Bah!"
Her tantrum made Lin Dongming frown. I watched my parents start to quarrel. They attacked each other with the most vicious words, without caring about the affection they had for sleeping in the same bed for so many years. They were like clowns.
My body felt as if it was dehydrated, but there was nothing I could do, nothing at all.
"Lin Dongming, I'm not afraid of breaking up with you. Okay, if you want to leave, no one can stop you. But there is one condition. It'd be best if you agree to it, but you have to agree even if you don't want to." Qin Fangrui folded her arms and walked around the living room. She kicked a stainless steel teacup with her feet. The gurgling sound made my eardrums hurt.
"I don't want this burden. I want Xiangxiang. As long as you agree that Xiangxiang will be with me, I won't fight for anything." Qin Fangrui didn't care about my emotions at all, and the words she said stabbed into my heart.
"Didn't we agree that whoever takes Jingxiang away will not get the house? How can you go back on your word?" Lin Dongming shouted unwillingly, as if in their eyes, we had become bargaining chips for the transaction.
Bang—at this moment, the door was pushed open, and Lin Jingxiang ran out barefoot, covering her ears and screaming: "I won't follow anyone! I won't follow! Are you guys annoying all day long? When will there be no quarrels at home? Huh?!"
She roared at them angrily, her chest rising and falling with excitement and anger. Qin Fangrui was panicked, took the slippers and rushed over: "My aunt, there are broken glass here, put on your shoes before you come out, Lin Dongming is pissing me off to death, and you are going to piss off your mother to death too!"
Lin Dongming stood up quickly and said flatteringly: "Xiangxiang, Dad can give you a better future. Your Aunt Yan's uncle is the president of a bank. You are such a good seedling. You can study finance in the future. Dad..."
"Lin Dongming! If you keep talking nonsense, I will tear your mouth apart!" Qin Fangrui was like an angry tigress, opening her hands to hit someone.
The sound of tinnitus filled my mind, and gradually, I couldn't hear anything.
The looks on their faces as they fought for Lin Jingxiang were deeply imprinted in my mind. Even many years later, that night became a scar that I could not bear to uncover.
Neither my father nor my mother loves me. The little love they have is all poured into Lin Jingxiang. This cruel fact slapped me in the face.
My heart aches so much.
I don't know how I got out of the house, and when I realized it was cold, I was already outside.
There was a big temperature difference between day and night. The sweater I wore during the day to keep warm could not keep out the cold wind at night. I hadn't eaten and was starving. Qin Fangrui was busy divorcing Lin Dongming and had no time to take care of my dinner.
After eight o'clock, night market stalls started to open up in the community. I didn't have any extra money to eat out, so I walked towards a spicy hot pot stall.
"Boss, I'll eat here." I found a stool and sat down. The boss placed a disposable bowl and chopsticks in front of me. I picked a few strings of lotus root and took a few bites. The heat made me grimace.
I was blowing and eating the skewers in my hand when someone suddenly hit me on the back of my head. I thought someone walked by and bumped into me accidentally, so I raised my hand and rubbed it in frustration.
"Girl, why didn't you go home so late?" Chen Jinmo appeared and slapped me on the head. He ruffled my hair and sat down next to me.
"Didn't you eat?" He looked at me curiously.
"Hmm..." I ate lotus root slices and nodded vaguely.
"You can't eat these things. Come on, come on, I'll take you to a big meal." Chen Jinmo said as he pulled me up. I picked up my schoolbag and hesitantly shouted, "I haven't paid yet."
"Oh, it's just a few dollars, Boss Fang. I'll pay it to you later." Chen Jinmo seemed to be very familiar with the boss. He pulled me a few meters away and shouted at the boss.
"I'm familiar with this stall. It's so boring. What are you eating here?" He stood on the roadside and tried to hail a taxi.
I adjusted the straps of my schoolbag and muttered, "I don't know."
"Unhappy?"
"No."
"Oh my god, I don't even know you. You have the word 'unhappy' written all over your face. How can you fool me?"
Chen Jinmo stopped a car and stuffed me in. Before I could react, I sat up straight and looked at him nervously: "Where are we going?"
"I'll sell you out." Chen Jinmo got in next to me and slammed the door. "Master, please drop us off at the intersection of Ximen Street and Wuyi Road."
"It's so late, I'm not going. How about you let me go?" If I wasn't with Chen Jinmo, I would never come out to the city center so late at night.
"No, Jing Yuanyuan , I'll treat you to crayfish tonight."
"Ah? It's too expensive! I won't eat it."
"Why, do you look down on me?"
"No, I'm afraid you'll spend money recklessly."
"Silly boy, I'm happy with it."
Chen Jinmo took me to the busiest pedestrian street to eat a meal of crayfish. He ordered something extremely spicy, so spicy that it made me cry and have snot. Actually, I don’t like spicy food, but Lin Jingxiang loves spicy food. In order not to disappoint him, I ate up the plate of crayfish that cost three figures.
Then, Chen Jinmo said mysteriously that he would take me to a good place.
Ximen Street is a mixed crowd, and it is a paradise for nightlife at night. Chen Jinmo held my hand and took me through the alleys until we arrived at a store called "Si Ye".
I looked at the shop door with a skull mask and simulated bones hanging on it, and I felt disgusted. Chen Jinmo didn't notice my uneasiness, and pulled me in with inexplicable excitement.
A heat wave mixed with the smell of cheap perfume rushed towards me. The lights inside were dim, and there was screaming and loud music playing. Men were howling and women were laughing. They were dancing wildly, and the colorful lights were shining on their smiling faces, like a gathering of ghosts in hell.
Chen Jinmo led me through the crowd, through the noisy dance floor, and towards the stairs leading to the next floor. I followed his footsteps recklessly, fearing that I would get lost.
There was a billiard room in the basement. Some people were playing billiards, and some were gathered in the corner playing cards. When they saw Chen Jinmo come in, a man with glasses and earrings immediately came forward to greet him.
"Mozi, here you come." The man held a cigarette in his mouth and handed it to Chen Jinmo. Just when I thought Chen Jinmo would refuse, he took it skillfully and put it behind his ear.
"Brother Lei."
There was a flattering tone in his greeting. I hid behind Chen Jinmo and secretly looked at this man. He had tough features and ordinary looks, but there was a shallow scar on his chin, which became more obvious under the incandescent light and looked a little scary.
"Oh, someone changed people?" The man tilted his head and looked at me, and I quickly moved back.
"My sister, Lin Jingyuan, and my girlfriend are twins." Chen Jinmo smiled and asked me to call someone. I shouted "Brother Lei" in a muffled voice, just wanting Chen Jinmo to go home quickly.
"It's my sister-in-law. I was wondering why she looked so familiar." The man smiled ambiguously, which made me very uncomfortable. Chen Jinmo also smiled.
The man spit out his unfinished cigarette, grabbed a pool cue from the side, and raised his chin: "Old rules, how about a game?"
"Let's play a game." Chen Jinmo caught the club he threw to me, took off his coat and gave it to me. I honestly stepped back and stood aside to watch.
The sound of billiard balls colliding rang in my ears. I didn't know how to play billiards and felt very bored. I looked around this smoky billiard room, which was filled with noise, laughter, and scolding. Everyone was immersed in the joy of playing. I was like a wooden stake, an alien.
Time passed by bit by bit, the smell of smoke made my throat sore and I didn't dare to cough loudly for fear of attracting attention.
"Mozi, you're awesome! You win again!"
The pool cue was thrown onto the table with a loud "click". I turned around and saw Brother Lei punching Chen Jinmo. Chen Jinmo smiled, put down the cue, and touched the cigarette between his ears.
Brother Lei took out a lighter and lit a cigarette. Chen Jinmo turned his head over, borrowed the lighter, and started smoking.
"Brother Lei gave me face." Chen Jinmo blew out a smoke ring, and the familiar face I saw was not so clear in the smoke.
I was still wondering when he learned to smoke when Brother Lei took out a handful of banknotes from his trouser pocket, licked his fingers, tilted his head to count, pulled out a stack, and patted Chen Jinmo on the chest: "Boy, you deserve it."
"Brother Lei, this is against the rules. I can't accept it." Chen Jinmo repeatedly refused with his hands. The cigarette in his mouth trembled as if it would fall out.
"Take it, consider it as Brother Lei treating you and this beautiful lady to a midnight snack." Brother Lei stuffed the money into Chen Jinmo's chest pocket, patted his shoulder, glanced at me, and went to greet other guests with a smile.
After Brother Lei left, Chen Jinmo looked down at his pocket, the curve of his mouth growing wider and wider.
"Isn't it amazing?" Chen Jinmo took a step forward in front of me, pointed at his trophy, grabbed my cheek and rubbed it, with an incredible look on his face.
"Ha, that's awesome." I reached out and snatched his cigarette, waved away his claws, covered his head with the coat in my hand, and turned and left.
I don't want to stay in this place for even a second.
"Lin Jingyuan, you've become so bold!" He tore off his coat in a rage and was about to catch me. I was furious, and my mind was full of his servile appearance of smoking to win money and dealing with those gangsters .
He learned bad things, he learned bad things, Chen Jinmo learned bad things from that person.
I quickly walked up the stairs and passed the chaotic first floor. I was almost knocked down by those people who were twisting their bodies all over the place. As soon as I walked out of the store, the fresh air rushed into my nose and I felt like I was alive again.
"Lin Jingyuan, don't do that. Are you running so fast? Are you in a hurry to be reincarnated?" Chen Jinmo followed me closely. I just came out to take a breath and he followed me one step behind. He put his hand on my shoulder and tried to twist my body.
I awkwardly shook off his hand, and Chen Jinmo increased his strength, pulled me over, and yelled at me, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so angry for no reason? You want to leave as soon as I get here. Are you deliberately going against me?"
"Yes." I didn't want to look at him, so I answered coldly. The pleasant lemon scent on his body was gone, and the faint smell of tobacco reminded me of his change. I felt nauseous when I smelled it.
"Are you sick? I treated you to a meal and you insulted me." He shouted, and the anger on his handsome face was so scary. I was in a bad mood to begin with, and when he was so angry with me, tears started to flow down my cheeks.
"What, what's wrong? Crying...why are you crying?" Chen Jinmo was stunned for a moment, and his tone suddenly dropped. His soft and gentle voice made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I thought that after the quarrel between Lin Dongming and Qin Fangrui tonight, they would not want me anymore. I thought that the days that still had some warmth now would be gone forever, and I would spend every day in Qin Fangrui's disgust and scolding, and I couldn't help but feel a chill in my heart.
Why are they so biased? My grades are just slightly worse than Lin Jingxiang's, and my body is weaker than Lin Jingxiang's. Am I destined to endure all this? What am I to them?
"Hey, hey, hey... don't cry, I don't mean to blame you, I just have a bad temper, I'm wrong, I'm wrong, okay?" Chen Jinmo was at a loss, clumsily helped me wipe my tears, "I'm most afraid of you crying, you've been a crybaby since you were a child, I'm afraid of you."
He kept stamping his feet in frustration. I looked at him blankly. His palms were a little rough and his hands were covered with tears. I gently pushed him away and wiped my nose with a tissue.
"Your sister is not like you. When will you grow up?" He put his hand down and wiped it on his clothes carelessly. It seemed like a joke, but it hurt my nerves.
"Well, I can never compare to her." I can't compare to her excellence, her status in her parents' hearts, and your love for her. I raised a fake smile to reassure him.
"Don't be discouraged. Keep working hard and you will eventually catch up with your sister." Chen Jinmo whistled to cheer me up. I burst into laughter and in order to prevent him from noticing anything unusual, I nodded, pretending to be very encouraged.
"After hearing you cry like this, I'm no longer in the mood to play. Let's go." Chen Jinmo wanted to hold my hand, but I shrank back in disgust. He thought I was still in a bad mood, so he scratched his hair awkwardly and went to stop a car before me.
Chen Jinmo, do you know that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to catch up with Lin Jingxiang?
In this chess game between the three of us , you and she have already started playing. Winning or losing is ultimately a matter between you two. I have no right to participate and can only be a spectator.
Because she already had a preconceived idea.
So please stay away from me, I am afraid that I only want to take, and I am greedy for the warmth you occasionally give me, and I will never be satisfied. As long as you smile at me, I want to spend my whole life with you.
Look how shameful I am.