Time flies, and in the blink of an eye, a year has passed.
Entering the third year of high school, I still chose a seat by the window, wanting to continue wandering in my little dream. However, within a few days of school, all the calm on the surface was broken, and the person who broke the calm was Shen Xiaoxi.
That morning, I couldn't find the diary that I always carried with me and only put under my pillow when I took a shower, so I went to school in a daze.
When I pushed open the door of the classroom, I heard a burst of laughter coming from inside. Shen Xiaoxi's voice sounded particularly harsh among the laughter.
"He is a prince, the perfect prince who only exists in my dreams." She said this in an exaggerated manner, without noticing my arrival at all.
The diary that I had been looking for the whole morning was now held in Shen Xiaoxi's hands, and was being read word by word in front of the whole class.
I was instantly overwhelmed by unprecedented embarrassment and humiliation.
I have never really hated anyone, but at this moment, at this second, I swear that I will never forgive Shen Xiaoxi.
Is it really that fun to trample on other people's concerns ?
In an instant, I understood what it felt like to be unable to move forward.
My legs seemed to be glued to the ground, my face must have looked very ugly, and my voice was also frozen at this time. I felt like I was in the oldest ice cave in the Arctic, the coldness spread from my feet up, blocking my heartbeat, breathing, and then my vision.
I just felt a buzzing sound in my head, and then, I felt dizzy and my body fell straight backwards.
At that moment, I saw everyone's eyes were looking towards me.
Their eyes were full of ridicule, sympathy, and sarcasm. I closed my eyes and didn't want to see, preparing myself for the pain that the earth was about to bring me.
However, no.
Someone walked past me from behind and gently caught me.
He has a face like a prince and a smile warmer than the sun. He is Shanuo.
It's Shano!
This was the last sentence that came to my mind before I lost consciousness.
When I woke up on the bed in the infirmary, it was already dusk. I had slept for so long.
Sitting on the bed, I laughed at myself. I was so useless! And I fainted in front of the person I cared about the most. This was terrible.
I climbed up to the windowsill and sat down on it. The wind blowing on my face felt very comfortable.
"Hey, move your feet away." A cold voice came from under the windowsill.
I looked under the window and saw a boy sitting with his back against the wall, with my feet hanging by his side.
"Ah! Sorry, sorry!" I quickly retracted my foot and apologized hurriedly.
I just didn't expect that there would be .
The boy looked up at me.
Facing the setting sun, I saw his face.
He had fair skin and beautiful eyes. Unlike Xia Nuo, his eyes were very sharp, with a hint of alienation and indifference hidden in his dark eyes. Under his high nose were thin lips, with a hint of mocking smile at the corners of his lips.
He was different from all the teenagers I had ever met, because he exuded an aura of "stay away, strangers please leave".
I suddenly felt that the young man in front of me looked familiar, as if I had seen him somewhere.
Where is it?
As I was thinking this, I lost my concentration and accidentally fell off the windowsill. The boy stepped aside and didn't catch me. So I fell heavily on the grass under the windowsill.
What a mess!
God is always like this. When I think I am already in a very miserable state, he makes me understand what is even more miserable.
I got up from the ground, and before I could brush off the grass debris stuck on my body , I felt a hot stream coming out of my nose. I reached out to touch it, and it was warm, sticky blood.
"What a hassle." There was a hint of impatience in the boy's pleasant voice, "It's rare for me to skip class and catch up on some sleep, but I still have to be disturbed."
I was a bit at a loss, trying to apologize to him while looking for something to plug my nose. I fell on my face first, so my nose was bleeding.
I have been trying my best to reduce my presence and not to cause trouble to anyone, because that is the only thing I can do.
But now, I still cause trouble to others.
"Here." The young man took out a pack of tissues from his pocket and threw it to me. His eyes were so cold that even if the sun shone on them, they could not bring any warmth.
I took the tissue he gave me in a daze and lowered my head to say "thank you".
But he suddenly shouted, "Hey, are you stupid? When you have a nosebleed, you should raise your head. If you lower your head, the nosebleed will flow more violently. You don't know this little common sense. Are you an idiot?"
"I'm sorry." I said hastily, looking up, but my hands couldn't tear open the tissue bag.
The boy grabbed the whole pack of tissues in annoyance, then took out a tissue and handed it to me. I quickly wiped it with the tissue and then stuffed it into my nose, but the nosebleed still didn't stop.
"What an idiot!" He suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me forward.
"Classmate, where are you taking me?" I exclaimed.
"Snapped--"
A drop of blood hit his white shirt. My heart trembled and I became more and more flustered: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
I was so flustered that I couldn't think of anything else to say except "I'm sorry."
"Shut up!" he shouted coldly, "Look up."
I had no choice but to raise my head and let him pull me forward.
Time seemed to stretch out, and every minute and every second seemed to be stretched out. My palms were sweaty, and my face was sticky, which was very uncomfortable.
Finally, he stopped in the tea room on the first floor of the teaching building.
I heard the sound of flowing water in my ears, and then someone held the back of my head and pushed my face into the water.
I opened my eyes in the transparent water, tiny bubbles floated up in front of my eyes, and traces of red blood in the water looked like blooming red spider lilies, baring their fangs and claws, but with a different kind of beauty.
I was so stunned that I forgot I needed to breathe and that my head was submerged in the water until someone pulled me out of the water.
“Hey, are you really an idiot when I call you an idiot?” The boy who brought me here said in a rather unfriendly tone, “I’ve never seen anyone like you. If there’s news about someone drowning in a sink, there’s no doubt that the person who drowned must be you.”
"Yes, I'm sorry." I lowered my head and looked at my toes. Water dripped down my cheeks and onto the ground, forming two black spots on my toes.
"I've seen stupid people, but I've never seen anyone as stupid as you." His tone was not only impatient but also a little helpless. He took out a tissue and handed it to me, "Wipe your face and pat your forehead with cold water."
I took it silently, walked to the sink silently, scooped up some cold water and splashed it on my forehead.
"Where are your shoes?" When he lowered his head, he was surprised to see that I was barefoot.
After hearing what he said, I realized that I was not wearing any shoes.
I was not wearing shoes and he had been pulling me around for so long that I felt a dull pain in my feet. There was mud on my feet and I didn't know if they were scratched.
Then I remembered that after waking up, I climbed directly from the bed to the windowsill, and my shoes were still in the infirmary.
"With your IQ, how did you get to this level?" The young man standing aside had a mocking face and was harsh in his words. Every word he said was like a sharp blade that could peel off others' disguises and pierce into their hearts.
He turned and walked into a classroom, pulled out a chair and placed it in front of me. I sat on the chair and washed my muddy feet with cold running water.
The soles of his feet were indeed scratched in several places and blood was oozing out.
"You are from Class 5, right?" he suddenly asked. "I heard that there is a girl in Class 5 who secretly likes Xia Nuo. She even wrote her fantasies in her diary. When her classmates read it out in front of the whole class , she fainted. The weak guy they are talking about, can't it be you?"
My heart skipped a beat and I reached out to turn on the faucet.
"Only idiots and fools would write important things in a diary. Such things can be taken away by others too easily." He lowered his head to look at me, and at that moment, there was a sudden buzz in my mind.
This person is really familiar, even the words he says sound extremely familiar.
"But... I don't know who to tell except the diary!" I lowered my head and murmured, "Why blame me? Isn't it the fault of the person who stole the diary and pried into other people's minds?"
"Because when you start writing, you have to be prepared to be discovered. It's your own fault. If you don't want others to know the real secret, you should keep it in your heart, lock it up tightly, and never tell anyone," he said.
"So this is my fault?" I felt inexplicably irritated. The irritation that had been rising since he said that just now, I slowly suppressed it and finally couldn't help but burst out. "Why is it my fault? Why is it always my fault? I have tried my best not to cause trouble to anyone, I have tried to make myself a transparent person, why can I be wrong when I am like this?"
He was stunned for a moment, then raised the corner of his mouth and smiled: "So?"
"So?" What's wrong with this person?
I was speechless, so what?
Bai Xiaodie, you tried hard to become an invisible person and tried not to cause any trouble. Even when your only relative was taken away from you, you forced yourself not to care. You wrote down all those secret thoughts that no one could tell in your diary. When they were read out in public, you didn't dare to scold the other person loudly, but just fainted in shame.
So this kind of Bai Xiaodie——
"So, you're just a cowardly idiot," he said coldly.
I felt like a deflated ball. It was the first time someone said this to me, accusing me of cowardice and stupidity in the most direct way.
I was like a clown in the spotlight, with nowhere to hide.
Mom said, Xiaodie, the caterpillar will definitely turn into a white butterfly one day.
I once believed it and waited for it, but the miracle did not happen. All I waited for was a real white butterfly to fly into my home, snatch away my father, and everything I had, even the secrets hidden in my diary.
Give up, Bai Xiaodie.
At this moment, I felt inexplicably tired. Bai Xiaodie could never turn into a white butterfly, never.
I stood up, ignoring the injuries on my feet, and said, "Thank you for giving me the tissue, but I still want to say that I hate you!"
I hate you for using such words to peel off my disguise and make me realize that I am just a cowardly idiot.
"Haha." He suddenly laughed, and even his laughter was full of sarcasm. "But on the contrary, I quite like you! Because with a guy like you as a foil, I look smart and wise."
"How could someone be so hateful as you!" I yelled, then covered my nose and ran away from him.
Why do such people exist?
Others are obviously suffering enough, but he still has the condescending attitude to hurt others with such vicious words. Such a guy... is really, really annoying!
It was already dark, and I ran back to the infirmary in one breath.
When the school doctor saw me coming in from outside, he was very surprised and asked, "Student, aren't you resting in there?"
"I, I went out for a walk." I whispered, "Teacher, do you have iodine for disinfection?"
The school doctor was stunned for a moment and looked at me with some confusion.
I lowered my head, and she followed my line of sight and saw my bare feet. She asked with concern, "Why aren't you wearing shoes? Let me see."
I sat down on the chair, and the school doctor brought a basin of clean water. I soaked my feet in it, and the soles of my feet felt stinging. After washing the dirt off my feet, the school doctor cleaned the wound for me and applied medicine.
I put on my shoes, said "thank you" to the beautiful and kind school doctor, and started walking towards the teaching building.
Although I was very reluctant to go back to the classroom, I had missed a day's class. If I were absent from the evening self-study class as well, I would definitely be criticized by the head teacher!
When I pushed open the classroom door, the whispers inside suddenly disappeared, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me.
I lowered my head and walked quickly into the classroom.
Lying on the table, the whispers in the classroom began to sound again. My hearing was more sensitive than ever before.
"How shameless! She is the only one who dares to dream like that."
"That's right, she's a gloomy girl. I'm a little scared to stand next to her. I always feel like something bad is going to happen."
"I heard that it's bad luck to make eye contact with her."
…
I want to bury my head lower and make myself invisible more than ever.
But when I couldn't hide myself completely no matter how hard I shrank, I quickly stood up, hurriedly packed a few books, and rushed out of the classroom with my schoolbag.
"Bai Xiaodie!" Shen Xiaoxi called me from behind. I didn't stop , but instead endured the pain and quickened my pace.
She chased me from behind, grabbed my shoulders and pulled me hard: "Stop! "
I looked at Shen Xiaoxi without saying a word. Facing her, I didn't know what to say. I hated her, hated this girl who took away everything from me.
"Here you go." She slapped my diary against my chest, then let go. The diary slid down my chest and hit the ground with a "bang". "It was just a joke. Why are you like this? You act like I'm bullying you."
I just looked at her face quietly, watching her mouth opening and closing.
There are all kinds of people in this world. What proportion of them are like Shen Xiaoxi, who lives recklessly, does whatever he wants and doesn't care about other people's feelings?
I have no idea.
I bent down to pick up my diary and heard her ask me, "Hey, Bai Xiaodie, you're not going to tell your dad, are you? When kids in kindergarten quarrel or lose a fight, what they like to do most is to tell their parents and ask for their support."
I didn't answer her, I just held my diary and walked away from her.
She said this just to provoke me not to tell my father what happened today, but she was actually worrying too much. A father who doesn't even know how tall his daughter is and what size dress she should buy would not stand behind his daughter a long time ago.
I no longer have the slightest expectation for him, or rather, from the moment he couldn't wait to bring Shen Xiaoxi and her daughter into the house, I no longer had any expectations for him.
I walked out of the campus with my schoolbag on my back. As soon as I reached the school gate, I saw a boy standing under a street light, looking up at the sky full of shining stars.
His figure looked familiar, and when I got closer, I recognized him.
It was that annoying boy who was standing there not knowing what to do.
I pretended not to see him and walked past him.
"Hey." He called out, "Tsk, tsk, it's five minutes later than I calculated."
"What do you mean?" I turned around and glared at him.
This person just has a way of making people automatically switch to an angry state when they see him.
He looked down at his watch and said sarcastically, "I thought you would run out of the classroom as soon as you entered it, but you actually lasted five minutes."
"Is that a compliment?" I asked him, feeling terrible.
"You can take it as a compliment, since you don't seem to have anything else to be praised for." He looked at me coldly, then slowly followed me, "What's your name?"
"Why should I tell you?" I quickened my pace, not wanting to say another word to this annoying guy.
"Because I said..." His tone became very innocent, as innocent as if those vicious words did not come from his mouth, "I like guys like you!"
"That would make you look smarter, right?" I couldn't help but continue. "But I'm sorry, I don't intend to highlight your intelligence."
"Tsk tsk." He was a little more than a head taller than me, and his legs were naturally much longer than mine, so he caught up with me in just a few steps. He turned his head to glance at my clothes and said, "You remember what I said so clearly, are you interested in me?"
"Are you annoying?" I was getting more and more annoyed. In front of this person, all the forbearance I had endured for so many years was completely useless. "Can you please shut up? Can you please stop following me?"
"Speaking is a right that everyone has, and you can't take it away. As for following you... is this the only path you can take?" He shrugged and said calmly, "Don't be so self-indulgent. I just happen to be taking this path as well."
I don't want to say anything else. I'm afraid this guy will get mad at me if I say another word.
He looks so indifferent, and his whole body exudes the aura of "keep away from strangers, don't disturb me", as if he is a person who sits there without saying a word all day, but he talks a lot, and what he says is very annoying.
I walked home as fast as I could in my life, and he just followed me all the way to the corner of the alley.
"Goodbye, little butterfly." He said as he walked around to me, took my hand regardless of whether I was willing or not, put a small thing in my palm, then waved and turned into the fork in the road.
I was a little stunned. This guy actually lives in this alley?
I was born here, grew up here, but I have never seen him!
I looked down at the palm of my hand. In the dim light of the street lamp, I could see clearly that in my palm was a small leaf dog made of leaves.
A figure suddenly appeared before my eyes——
When I was sixteen, the night Shen Xiaoxi came to my house for the first time, I couldn't help but run away from home. I sat at the door crying so sadly, and then I met a young man.
The boy's eyes, which seemed to contain countless stars, his cold expression, and the mocking smile at the corner of his mouth were all very impressive.
That day he was walking a big dog, throwing me a pack of tissues, and said to me: "You are very noisy, do you know that? In the middle of the night, people who don't know would think there is a ghost."
I finally remembered. No wonder I felt he looked familiar before. Turns out he was the boy from that night!
Thinking of this, I immediately turned around to look, but the annoying boy had disappeared.
In my mind, the boy just now clearly overlaps with that young man.
He appeared when I was at my saddest and most embarrassed, and threw me a pack of tissues with his body temperature . Although it was only a faint warmth and the words he said were not very pleasant, it really warmed my heart that had fallen into an icy cellar at that time.
I stared at the leaf dog in my hand in a daze. Two years later, I still remember that night when the stars were as numerous as dust, and even every detail was so clear.
"Really..." My voice was a little choked, "What an annoying guy!"
He was annoying then, and he's still annoying two years later.
Although it was so disgusting, I did not throw away the leaf dog he placed in my palm. Instead, I held it carefully in my hand and walked towards home.
When I opened the door, Shen Xiaoxi's mother asked me, "Why are you back so early? Is the evening study session over? Where's Xiaoxi?"
"I feel a little unwell." I said this and locked myself in the room.
I put the leaf dog on the windowsill, put the diary on the desk and opened it. The diary was not damaged, and my handwriting was so familiar, but the thoughts recorded in it became so strange.
My fingertips brushed over the name Xia Nuo, and just by brushing it like that, my heart, which had been beating panickily, seemed to suddenly calm down.
Will that gentle boy still smile at me when he knows that I have written about him in my diary?
Will he hate me?
Do you hate being haunted by a gloomy guy like me?
Shano, Shano——
I didn't dare shout it out loud, I could only repeat his name silently between my lips.
Until the tears fell, soaking the fragile paper, his name became blurred. I knew that when the tears dried, there would be two water stains on the page, which could not be wiped away no matter what method was used.
Just like some injuries, once they are done, they cannot be repaired.